To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

I didn’t. I kept my name and gave DC my name. XH kept his name. We often got called Mr and Mrs waves or his name, I didn’t feel the need to correct them.

So many women who didn't like their birth surname and were happy (almost relieved) to have another name option! I find this so bizarre because it's not something I've ever heard a man saying.

I don't particularly like my birth surname. It's awkward to pronounce and spell, and it makes me very easy to find as my name combo is extremely rare. But I have no intention of changing it because it's my name.

I have also never had any issues having a different surname to my children (we went with his surname. Our names could never be paired). If people address me by the wrong name, I just say 'oh my surname is x. Now as we were discussing...' I've never taken a letter or birth cert while travelling alone with them and I've never been challenged. Perhaps unwise if I ever encounter an issue, but I don't think sharing a name is an essential identifier for a parent. That would suggest that any 'Smith' could take a couple of random 'Smith' children and its fine because they share a surname. I strongly believe that children's passports should include their parents details, but that's another issue!

Rather a long winded way of making my point, which is that I don't like my surname but don't see any reason to change it.

I was bullied for my surname at school and I despised it. Being able to change it was turning over a new leaf in my eyes as I snd no longer that girl. It’s also easier to change your name on marriage as a woman as your marriage certificate is accepted. A deed poll is more complex.

I really didn’t like my surname so was more than happy to change it. also, we’ve moved around and it seemed easier to have the same name on visas.

I wanted too. It felt romantic at the time.

I wanted our future kids to have the same name as me and my husband wouldn't change.

@BubblyBarbara

what I don't get is why that is determined purely on the basis your husband is a man so everyone takes his name?

What point would there be for a man to hang around long term without an heir or dynasty that is why they have children biologically, that’s the whole reason for the name issue in the first place

Our children have my surname. My husband must've hung around because he loves us. Go figure, huh?

I absolutely won’t be changing my surname when I marry.

For me it’s a really archaic, problematic patriarchal thing which stems from the days when women were seen as men’s property and the whole concept genuinely gives me the creeps.

I also refuse to be a Mrs, I will stay Ms Kansas, as I’m known now. Because why should my prefix change based on my relationship status, when a male prefix doesn’t?

I was very proud to take my husbands name. I couldn't wait!!!

Easier to spell
The hassles of having a hard to spell name shouldn't be underestimated.

I kept my name as I didn’t want to change it and my husband wasn’t fussed. In fact he said he would change his surname to mine as we wanted to have the same one, but he hasn’t got round to it yet as we live abroad and it will be a real faff and expensive with all of the paperwork for visas & passports etc. We have a daughter and she has my surname. It’s up to him if he ever changes his to match ours but after four years it doesn’t feel like a big deal.

@DorothygohometoKansas good for you, I did the same on marriage

Just be prepared for EVERY fucker in the whole wide world to expect you to have changed your surname and to now be called Mrs Husbandsname.

No one actually has the imagination to ask you if you've changed your name, absolutely everybody just assumes you have and this is what makes it so depressing.

It was helped by the fact that I really like DH's surname and didn't like my own (like a PP, a name that led to some childhood mocking and I was always a little embarrassed of it). But honestly, even if that wasn't the case I would've changed mine on marriage. My family is traditional and it was expected anyway. I like that we now have our 'family' surname and my DS shares the same surname as both parents. I get that I'm antiquated or whatever, but in the same way I would never have proposed to my husband, I would never have kept my maiden name on marriage (rightly or wrongly - just how I've been raised).

I changed mine because we both wanted to share a family name, we are proud of being together (I’m not implying people who don’t change are not proud before anyone starts).

His name is nicer than my maiden name, it also meant that the children’s names have been influenced by my side of the family which I like (eg DF’s name is DS middle name).

Lastly, whatever anyone says we are mid 40s and he would have had no end of (friendly) banter from his mates about taking mine if we’d done it the other way around. Like it or not that’s just how things are and neither of us felt the need to go on a crusade to change people’s minds.

Not married, but have a child with him who has his name.

I reluctantly allowed him to give our daughter his surname. His reasoning is that my surname is too ethnic and it would disadvantage our DD when she leaves home and goes out in to the big world.

We wanted a shared family name. If it was now, I’d have pushed for us to use mine, just because I think it was a better name.

I kept my surname. DS has his dad's surname and DD has mine. It did get remarked on slightly and my aunt continues, after 12 years, to address my cards to Mrs Husband'sName rather than Ms Myname.

My reason for keeping my name was to refuse to go along with yet another patriarchal tradition that I don't agree with. I actually would have liked for us all to choose a new family name but It didn't happen for various reasons.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.
I don’t understand this and it doesn’t make sense to me! Can you expand on why?

DP, DD and I all have different surnames. Still a family.

Preferred husband's name. Initially he thought about taking mine - it's Scottish and he is a Scottophile ( is that a word?!)

It's not tradition in the whole world to change to your husband's name though - Iceland (you're not allowed to I believe) and Mexico do it differently. I am sure there are others.

I know couples where the man has taken the woman’s name. Minority obviously, but it happens.

We wanted all three of us (DH, me, and DD who was born a few months after the wedding), to have the same name.
I genuinely did not mind changing my name, I've never really understood people who felt like it effected their identity - I'm not criticising feeling like that, just saying that I really don't. It honestly meant nothing to me to change it. But my DH is one of those people who feels a strong connection to his name, so it would have been silly to change his name when I didn't care.

I always assumed I would keep mine, but that name was given to me via the same system of patriarchy that being expected to change it comes from. Totally different if you have your mothers name, or a lost maiden name from your family but keeping your fathers, and his fathers, and his fathers name seems a bit pointless. So on a purely feminist point I'm a bit meh about it but totally see it is the owness on the woman to give hers up without discussion that needs to change.

If you don't like your name, have negative relationships attached it then changing it seems pretty fair. In fact doing whatever you want seems fair.

Ideally you both have a chat and choose a new name to mark the creation of your family or just choose which one you prefer between you.

Totally agree that the assumption it is the woman dropping her name needs to change is not fair and can only be altered through it becoming more common for women to keep their name or the family changing to hers/creating a new one though.

Never even considered keeping my maiden name. It was what you did when I got married (1998). I was more than happy to take his name.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and people are having to be saved my name will be a hell of a lot higher up the list thanks to my married name

You do you.

I took DH’s name because it is an absolute blinder and goes perfectly with my first name. I have a really beautiful name now which I love.

His sisters didn’t change their names because they wanted to hold on to the name. One of the sister’s DH has changed his name to hers.

Before DH, I was in a long term relationship with a man with a really dull surname. I always said at that point that I would NEVER give up my maiden name because it was my identity. 🤷‍♀️ Turned out I was happy to give it up for a better one! 😂

I got married 16 years ago and it just seemed like the easiest thing, after the initial admin, to change my name, and so we all have the same family name when we had an children. I was 28 and only just qualified in my job so there was no particular professional association with my maiden name. It was just the normal thing to do and I had no good reason not to.

I double barrelled my surname so I have both our names which I am happy with. The problem is it’s long and hard to spell so we have given our dc just my husbands surname which is much easier!