To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

We both double barrelled and both kept our original surnames for work. It was important to me to have the same name as my child and equally important to DS, our names have a good rhythm together so it works. I was asked in the bank why my husband was changing his name, when I asked whether they needed my original marriage certificate or a copy, and explained DH also needed to take it to his bank. I told the man working for the bank that penis doesn't equal privilege in our house, and commented that it was funny he didn't ask me why I was changing mine. The misogyny is real.
What I would say is that this is common practice in my friendship circle is really not a given that the woman will give up her name, other than one friend who really hated her surname because it was difficult to spell and people thought it was pronounced similarly to diarrhoea.

Owlinatree makes a very good point. My maiden name was forrin and very unusual. All the people who commented on it (usually negatively) were usually women. Mostly teachers and nurses. It still makes me cringe. Paradoxically my married name is more complex and harder to spell but very English. People comment, again mostly women, because of the pronunciation or that it is charming but they don't smirk or say anything negative.

Strange

I took my husbands name because I didn't want to keep my maiden name. My absent father remarried when I was very young, to a woman with the same first name as me, so then we both had the same first and surname, which I hated. I happily took my husbands name as I love him and his family, and it's a much nicer name and has no bad memories for me

Married very young and probably was quite naive and didn't think much about it. Didn't want to upset extremely traditional in-laws. I have slight regret about it but no big deal. I had not yet established a career when I got married, so I did not lose my professional identity.

I took exdh name because for me it was a fresh start and a transition to a new part of my life. If I'm honest I had struggled with my DP and their behaviour to me so it gave me an option in my eyes at the time of making an obvious tangible break with them so really exdh name was more of a convenience to cross a visible line away from them.
I'm about to be officially divorced and if I exclude the fact that I'd still like to have the same name as DC (have not decided what to do yet ) I feel differently about my maiden name as now it feels mine rather than my families or anyone elses , not really sure why , age maybe? At 41 it's hard to see anyone as having ownership over me really.

Have no idea what I will do if DP decides to propose after the divorce is final (sneaking suspicion I may have to stop that before it starts) but if we ever decide to get married in the future (huge massive if) I suspect I would be less likely to take his name. Again I think the older I've got the more I've claimed my moniker as mine rather than an attachment to someone else.

I wanted the same name as our children. My husband also wanted the same name as our children.
It’s easier to go the traditional route.
I have no relationship with my dad so there was no emotional tie to my name.

We both changed, both wanted the same name, but felt weird one of us changing to the other, so we made up one!

I tried to fight the cause for both of us choosing a completely new name but I don't think DH thought I was serious!

I went with his, because I preferred it to mine. If I liked mine better I would have kept it but I never really liked my surname.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I wanted the same name as our children. My husband also wanted the same name as our children. It’s easier to go the traditional route. I have no relationship with my dad so there was no emotional tie to my name.

Although, I don’t wear my rings so maybe I’m not such a stickler for tradition?

I double-barrelled but the children took dh's name. My name is foreign and difficult to pronounce, dh's is a very common English name. If I use that, I can pass as English, as my accent is very slight. There are times when that makes life a lot easier. This was purely my decision: I don't think dh cared either way.
As for the children, it made sense for them to have a surname that worked well in the culture they were growing up in.
If we had lived in my country, I think we might have gone the other way and used my surname, though I doubt dh would have bothered to double-barrell and keep his old name- it is a bit on the boring side.
Dd is looking to change her name when she graduates from drama school but she won't take my name (for reasons above) but use either her grandmother's maiden name or her greatgrandfather's name.

Because my surname was ridiculous. Couldn't get shot of it soon enough.

I changed mine because my married name is easy to spell, my maiden name isn't and it used to drive me batshit.

Well, it was a few years ago now, but I had a horrible maiden name.

To be completely honest, I changed my name because it's ‘what you do when you get married’. I had literally no reason not to, and it never occurred to me not to. Nothing more than that. I wasn’t particularly young, it just was what it was. I didn’t realise so many people kept their maiden name, or double-barrelled their surnames.

It doesn't matter how many times you say "I'm not being judgemental", your other comments have judgement shining though..

Sad, archaic, depressing "Just another way to keep us down and oppressed IMO"

Yeah, you're not fooling anyone.

DD has her father’s surname. DS has his father’s surname. I’m marrying DS’s father and am not changing my name. Partly because I don’t want Dd to be the odd one out. Mostly because I enjoy taking the kids to the dentist and giving them 3 different surnames.

Team spirit, nothing more than that

I changed my name to my (now ex) husband's name, because I had the adopted surname of an abusive stepfather. My birth surname was from a man whom I'd never met, so I had no attachment to any surname that I'd been given since birth. The only reason I keep my married surname now, is because a) it's easier to have the same name as your children and b) neither of my pre-marriage names hold any affection and I currently couldn't be arsed with the faff of changing it until my kids don't need to have the same surname as me.
Once my youngest turns 18 (only 6 more years) I may change my surname to Consuela Bananahammock 😂

My surname was unpronounceable, so it was easier to change it to dhs surname. When I tell people I speak X language as my parents are from X Country, they’re shocked because of my normal English sounding name.
My dm gave me an Anglicised version of my name, so dhs English surname went with it years later, at least people can spell it now 🎉

I've never felt like a part of a family until DH. When we got married I wanted my name to be the same as his because it gave me a sense of belonging.

I didnt want to continue being "tumble" any moral I'd heard for years was "those tumbles are bad" "oh I didnt know that the tumbles had x amount of children, you dont really fit with them do you" or the oh your last name is tumble, do you know the tumbles on x road? And they were my family that never really had much to do with me.

Now I dont have any link to them that is obvious.

I feel like I belong now.

And my new last name is cool.

It is interesting to note that even if, as women, we choose not to adopt our spouse's name, almost everyone has endure their children have their father's name. I don't think it's judgemental to wonder why that is.

Ensured not endure, sorry

I changed mine because I hated my own surname.

After being separated and divorced for 18 years I've still kept my married surname, it's very unusual where I come from, I also wanted my name to stay the same as my DC.

I changed mine because I like tradition and I like 'belonging' to my husband. We married in 2009 when we were both 20, but it was never even a question if I would change my name. I like being a Mrs.

Imo getting married is a pretty archaic concept...