To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

My name is only 2 generations old where DHs goes back a lot further so I thought i would use it

Because I just wanted all 4 of us to have the same name. I prefer his surname to my maiden name. I don't have a good relationship with my dad so didnt feel compelled to hold onto his name.

I kept my name. Would never change it. It’s mine. Why would I take my husband’s name just because he’s a man? I felt sure about since I was really young. I hate the idea behind a woman taking on the name of her husband. I hate what it stands for.

Our children have both of our names. It’s fine. It wasn’t up for discussion! They are part of both of us and that needs to be reflected in their names.

My mom took a while to get her head around it. My dad was pleased. My auntie still send me birthday card to Mrs Husband’s Surname and created a mix up when she booked me into a hotel for my cousin’s wedding under my husband’s name instead of mine. When we arrived at the hotel, I gave my name to reception and ended up with my mom and dad’s room! Which was much nicer than our intended room!

1. it's tradition
2. I don't like my maiden name and wanted to get rid of it
3. I liked the idea of being a Mrs

Just to add, I have friends who’s children take the man’s surname, not theirs. I find that harder to understand. If I hadn’t changed my name, my son would have my name, not my husbands. I did the hard work

I always think a more telling question might be “why did your husband not change his name to yours?” Because I’d put money down that in almost every case that was just never an option.

I have no judgement over any individual’s choice. But on a societal level I can’t stand that this is such an accepted thing - women changing their identity to fit their husband’s. It smacks of ownership and misogyny. I’d have no problem with women changing their name if roughly half the time men changed theirs!

(And apologies for committing the cardinal sin of not reading the full thread...)

Because my maiden name is really rare and unusual and my married name is very common. Growing up there was a famous entertainer with the same surname and I had 20 years of "Oh, are you related?"

We are not, as far as we know but since found out, the name is that rare that we all descended from a single village. The name also "evolved" when people emigrated as "apparently" no one was sure of the actual spelling.

We then went and gave our kids unique first names instead .

I did consider keeping my own name but I took my husband's name because I wanted to. Happy to correct anybody that refers to me as Ms too.

Personally for me, it benefits me to have a bit of an alias for personal and work life. I would also want the same surname as my children. If I double barrelled, I feel it would leave my same children with a massively long surname if they chose to do the same. There are pros and cons for me, I like to keep my maiden name for work but also have my married name for our of work.

I'm engaged and I wanted to double barrel our names, but DP felt it was pretentious, which upset me. We had some pretty heated discussions about the whys and how's, and what our children would be called but I couldn't understand why he thought it was okay for me to lose my name, which I really like, but he should keep his.
We've agreed for now to combine our names into one name which takes the best of both. Our parents aren't happy about it, but I refuse to have my name rubbed out just because that's what has happened in the past.
It's my name.
It's me.
I exist.

I like traditions and I am not woke or a feminist.

My married name and maiden name double barrelled would be absolutely hideous.

I am for individual choice.

One very good reason why we wouldn't have dreamt of giving our children both names: xxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It would have been an act of cruelty to saddle them with that lot.

I changed my name when I got married. I had a double barreled surname growing up and hated it, it was always commented on by teachers etc and on occasion people were quite rude about it saying I was posh or snobby. It's more common now to be double barrelled but there were hardly any other people I met with double barrelled names growing up.

Considered keeping it on marriage but knew I didn't want to give it to any children, and am so relieved now to have a normal straightforward name and not one that is commented on.

I quite agree that women shouldn't feel compelled to change their names - however I don't think changing your name means your are a rubbish feminist. There are so many other ways to work towards equality and supporting women, this is not a big deal in the big scheme of things imho.

@AnotherEmma as I mentioned in my earlier post, it’s not just my husband, I have conservative in-laws. I don’t want to fight every little thing, I don’t have the energy to fight every little thing and that probably makes me a bad feminist but tough shit. I’ve fought over my name with people with no vested interest in my name. This is without all the other sexism that is experienced daily. I’m probably going to let this one slide because I also expect sticking points with my in-laws in the future, which I will fight on. Despite their old fashioned views, my in-laws are nice people and I don’t want to argue with them over everything. I would much rather save my energy for a fight on gender roles and ensure my child isn’t bound by in-laws perception of things, than their surname. Which my child can change by deed poll. They won’t have a double-barrelled name because our names both start with the same letter and it’s very clumsy. They will have my surname as a middle name.

I’m choosing for this not to be the hill I die on. It doesn’t mean I don’t recognise the sexism but I’m picking my battles.

Another one who hated her maiden name here. Had dc before getting married, DH likes his surname so they had his. By the time we did get married I was used to being addressed by his and the dc surname anyway.

This would have been a different matter had I liked my surname though and DH was up for double barrelling the DC surname had I wanted to.

I do insist on being Ms though. I've been a Ms as long as I was able to put my title down on forms. No one knows a man's marital status from his title so no one needs to know mine without me bringing it up.

I got married 30 years ago. It was still usual to change your name then but I changed mine because, quite honestly, his surname is so much nicer than mine. It's also unusual, which I like. My DC are delighted we didn't give them both surnames as they think mine is embarrassing.

I like tradition where it suits me. I am a feminist. I believe in individual choice. I will neither bully nor be bullied. Each to their own.
Woke is a pile of crap.

It's my name.
It's me.
I exist.

These are things that went through my head. However, changing my surname hasn't altered anything but my surname. I'm still me and I still exist.

Didn’t change my name. It’s my name and I’d had it for 30 years. Didn’t want admin hassle of having a professional and personal name.

Before my DD was born, I had said I was fine with children having father’s name. When she was due I felt like I wanted her to have my name too so we went double barrelled. So whoever she is with, she has part of our name. But I don’t think it would have been a big deal to have different names. She’s my daughter, it’s not the name that makes a difference.

I was annoyed to get an invoice from a trademan to Mrs (husband’s name). My MIL had let him in on second visit and the presumptuousness that she ‘changed’ my name really wound me up.

I wanted a family name that we shared with our children. DH wasn't arsed either way, and his is much easier to spell.

Because I wanted to. That’s it.

I didn't change mine, just kept my own name.

Seems such a hassle to change everything and I just couldn't be bothered

double barreled, that’s what I did. My two close friends did the same.
I have a really long surname because of it but I don’t care. My DH couldn’t care less if I took his name or not.

@RaspberryToupee - it’s not just my husband, I have conservative in-laws. I don’t want to fight every little thing,

But why would you even discuss this with your in-laws? I know my in-laws think I'm a raging feminist (and that's not a compliment from them) and disapprove of much of my attitudes. However, I would never have entertained a discussion with them over my surname. Thankfully, they didn't attempt to discuss it but if they had, I would simply have told them it was not up for discussion and refused to engage.