AIBU about DH’s privacy after he cheated years ago

[OhSoLost]

DH visited a prostitute one night around 6 years ago. I couldn’t get hold of him and he had obviously lied about where he was. I found out because of some suspect phone activity, including checking his bank statement and dialled numbers a few weeks later (yes I snooped) and then he came clean and said that he had done it once. I went back through his bank statements and accepted he could only have done it the one time. Put it down to one disgusting mistake rather than a pattern of behaviour.

The only way I was able to forgive him was because he gave me full access to everything, his location (allowed me to use the life360 app to track his whereabouts if I was ever feeling anxious) his bank statements (no large sums of money taken out ever), and his phone and email passwords were always shared and he would let me use his phone whenever. Slowly I got to the point of not having to check up on him.

I think I know deep down IABU on several fronts. ie. Why did I stay with him. Why did I need to track him and have access to everything, it all sounds very unhealthy I know. But it’s the only way I was able to get past it and trust him again. Or so I thought.

Fast forward 6 years and he’s now all of a sudden saying he feels “suffocated” because I have access to everything. I’ve read online about how awful it is to spy on partners but while he was willing and while I was able to I had reached the point where I didn’t need to anymore.

He also mentioned he would be changing his banking and email and phone password because he’s sick of having no privacy. FWIW he has full access to everything of mine too and was able to track my location with the same app. Often asking where I was or why my tracker wasn’t working for example, even though I’ve never cheated. AIBU to feel suspicious about this sudden change? It was accompanied by him saying he needs to take a large sum of cash out to give to his church. I’m feeling so uncomfortable about all of it, and obviously it’s shown me that I don’t trust him at all. I think he’s up to something again.

But I’m fully prepared to be told I’m batshit, either for taking him back in the first place or for needing access to everything or for now not trusting him despite the fact he clearly hasn’t done anything in 6 years. Actually think it will help me to be told YABU because it might make me cut him some slack and try to have a “normal” marriage from now on.

So AIBU?

Your marriage will never be normal or healthy because you don't trust him. Why live like this?

You still don’t trust him; and it doesn’t sound like he trusts you, either. It isn’t about whether you’re unreasonable or not - to be honest, au doubt I’d trust him either. But you don’t have a relationship worth saving and all this tracking and knowing each of you can monitor the other’s whereabouts at all about just sounds ridiculously miserable for you both.

I honestly don't know how you were able to forgive this....
You're more of a woman than me....
He'd have no balls I'm afraid.

Seriously though I'm.not sure what's going on but I'd trust my gut. Check with the church what funds are actually needed might be a start.

@Aquamarine1029

Your marriage will never be normal or healthy because you don't trust him. Why live like this?

Agree. And you don't trust him for good reason. Because he's a cheat who believes consent can be purchased and women are commodities. Surely you know you should want more than someone like that?

I was like this following my dh affair. We limped on for 3 years (so kudos for you for lasting 6) but I could never trust him again, it was either me checking on his every activity or for us to split. We split and I've never been happier. Such a relief

None of this sounds healthy.

What an awful way to live.

And the hypocro6sy of a man that pays a woman to ignore her consent but eants to give a large sum of money to a church ?

It's complete bollocks and you would have to be idiotic to believe it

Living with a partner who doesn't trust you is not the way to a happy marriage. It would be normal to have pretty good knowledge of how any money is spent, but not in the sense of one partner overseeing the other's spending to make sure it's not going on banned activities.

However, in my experience "I feel suffocated" means "I am lusting after someone else".

YABU...If you can't trust him after 6 years of having complete access to his info thats a you issue. You need to leave him

I think you need to cut your losses. I could not forgive this a s it's not got better has it?

@MereDintofPandiculation

Living with a partner who doesn't trust you is not the way to a happy marriage. It would be normal to have pretty good knowledge of how any money is spent, but not in the sense of one partner overseeing the other's spending to make sure it's not going on banned activities.

However, in my experience "I feel suffocated" means "I am lusting after someone else".

But if you have someone who refuses to give you any privacy for 6 years wouldn't you feel suffocated? I would and I would be filing for divorce

Hi OP

I think the damage that an affair does can last for ever and your husband is unreasonable after agreeing to being completely open, to suddenly saying it's not acceptable any more. And yes accompanied by wanting to give a sum of money away I think most people would find suspicious. I'm not sure where you go from here though sorry if he isnt willing to change back

You know he’s the kind of man who thinks it’s fine to pay a woman to use her body. That’s plenty.

He needs to change all his passwords just as he needs to start spending large sums of money (is that joint money? Have you agreed with a large church donation?)? Suspicious as hell.

I'd walk away if I was you. You don't trust him with good cause

Do you even want to remain married to him? Because it sounds like you’d quite like it to be over.

But it’s the only way I was able to get past it and trust him again.

You haven't got past it and you don't trust him.

Torn. You should trust him, but he does not deserve your trust. FWIW, I think the sudden change, along with the withdrawal of cash, is suspicious also.

My dh and I have access to all of each other’s accounts, logins etc, just as a result of being together so long. We have often used each other’s phones, tablets and laptops when our own batteries have run out or if we don’t have them to hand and we share all bank accounts. We both spend what we want without seeking permission and just use whichever debit card is to hand as we have each other’s PIN numbers. I don’t think dh is spying on me in any way and I am certainly not spying on him. But if he suddenly decided to change all of his passwords I would be very suspicious because it has never been an issue.

You can't continue doing this to yourself, you can't continue doing this to him. I'm afraid he is right about being suffocated.

If you don't trust him you need to lean him. Move on and start to build the trust you have in yourself back up before you consider dating again.

Thank you all. I guess the general consensus is that this was doomed when he cheated. I honestly thought we had been able to rebuild something but you’re all right: deep down I hate living like this and so does he. He has damaged me irreparably and I don’t think any amount of tracking and snooping ever undoes that. Thank you all for your honest opinions.

Seriously?

Suddenly wanting to reclaim his privacy and needs money for a church donation?

You need proof of this donation for a start.

Most churches are registered charities so would want any donations to be made through the bank and for the person donating to claim gift aid. They never want large donations in cash.

And he's a misogynist who believes he can purchase consent and women are commodities. Hardly the behaviour of someone with a decent moral compass.

Oh OP what a horrible shitty situation for you... I totally understand why you felt you needed all that access, but as it seems, it hasn't really helped.
6 years is a very long time- if you haven't forgiven him now (and in my opinion you shouldn't have at all) I don't think you will.
You might find once you split that actually this has made you very unhappy and you will be better off without him .

Ugh the hypocrisy of a prostitute-using church goer.

Ltb. He sounds awful. How you can have respect for him, I don’t know.

I found it hard to vote because, although I do think yabu, so is he and you have good cause to be suspicious. The problem is that once the trust is gone, you won't get that back and he will never be the man you thought you knew.
He shouldn't have to live his life being monitored and tracked and you shouldn't feel like you have to.
Personally I would be ending this relationship.

This relationship has been over for five years. You deserve more than this!