AIBU about DH’s privacy after he cheated years ago

[OhSoLost]

DH visited a prostitute one night around 6 years ago. I couldn’t get hold of him and he had obviously lied about where he was. I found out because of some suspect phone activity, including checking his bank statement and dialled numbers a few weeks later (yes I snooped) and then he came clean and said that he had done it once. I went back through his bank statements and accepted he could only have done it the one time. Put it down to one disgusting mistake rather than a pattern of behaviour.

The only way I was able to forgive him was because he gave me full access to everything, his location (allowed me to use the life360 app to track his whereabouts if I was ever feeling anxious) his bank statements (no large sums of money taken out ever), and his phone and email passwords were always shared and he would let me use his phone whenever. Slowly I got to the point of not having to check up on him.

I think I know deep down IABU on several fronts. ie. Why did I stay with him. Why did I need to track him and have access to everything, it all sounds very unhealthy I know. But it’s the only way I was able to get past it and trust him again. Or so I thought.

Fast forward 6 years and he’s now all of a sudden saying he feels “suffocated” because I have access to everything. I’ve read online about how awful it is to spy on partners but while he was willing and while I was able to I had reached the point where I didn’t need to anymore.

He also mentioned he would be changing his banking and email and phone password because he’s sick of having no privacy. FWIW he has full access to everything of mine too and was able to track my location with the same app. Often asking where I was or why my tracker wasn’t working for example, even though I’ve never cheated. AIBU to feel suspicious about this sudden change? It was accompanied by him saying he needs to take a large sum of cash out to give to his church. I’m feeling so uncomfortable about all of it, and obviously it’s shown me that I don’t trust him at all. I think he’s up to something again.

But I’m fully prepared to be told I’m batshit, either for taking him back in the first place or for needing access to everything or for now not trusting him despite the fact he clearly hasn’t done anything in 6 years. Actually think it will help me to be told YABU because it might make me cut him some slack and try to have a “normal” marriage from now on.

So AIBU?

His story about the church out building being used for the Sunday school Therefore not a charity is complete and utter nonsense. All the buildings will be owned by the church. As a registered charity they wil have to be scrupulous with accounts, which will be carefully audited.

The suggestion that he take out cash and pay it to an acquaintance of his rather than make a bank transfer to the church’s building fund is just laughable and an insult to your intelligence. Someone is telling porky pies here.

What he did was bad, but Christ, I think the punishment didn’t match it, what a way to have to live. What horrific conditions he agreed to

It was a natural consequence of his actions. He proved himself untrustworthy (and sleazy, repulsive and misogynist) and wasn't trusted.

Now he's behaving in a dodgy, untrustworthy way again.

I think he is gaslighting you, putting the blame on you for suffocating him. Get out while you still have your sanity.

I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett. It’s not a punishment, it’s a logical consequence.

You eat loads of junk food, you get fat. No one is punishing you. It’s science.

You drop your phone from a great height on a hard surface, it breaks. It’s called gravity.

You cheat in a horrible way and abuse a prostituted woman - your wife doesn’t trust you.

You tell the most ridiculous lies and want to hide where you’ve been - your wife doesn’t trust you.

Lack of trust destroys love. It’s a natural law.

I am bemused by how many people here are calling his use of a prostituted woman simply "cheating"

Having a quick bunk up with Consenting Cathy from the office as opposed to paying for a prostituted woman to suspend her contempt so he can enjoy penetrating her

Really not the same

@AnyFucker

I am bemused by how many people here are calling his use of a prostituted woman simply "cheating"

Having a quick bunk up with Consenting Cathy from the office as opposed to paying for a prostituted woman to suspend her contempt so he can enjoy penetrating her

Really not the same

Same. She discovered her husband is a misogynist who believes if he pays he has the right not to care if it's consenting or not. It's vile. As far as I'm concerned, men who pay for sex with women hate women on some level, they hold them in contempt to a way and see them as lesser than men. And yet how many of them would want their daughters to do it, or their wife to have done it? Almost none. So they're hypocrites too.

Wow I really hadn’t thought of his paying for sex that one time in the sorts of terms everyone here is referring to. It bothers me that he lied and cheated. I know who the escort was as I googled her number. Yuck. After the initial year of vomit inducing thoughts we genuinely had a good marriage. Lots of good times and no reference to the illicit encounter. So I feel like I did forgive but I was still hurting. Anyway I like the way @DinoDeb has put it - though I definitely won’t be snooping. He also no longer has access to any of my stuff, location, emails etc. Since I believe the church story (and I think I must have confused things as he was never planning to give cash, just donate a large sum by bank transfer) I’m going to try and actually trust him now! Wish me luck!

@OhSoLost

Wow I really hadn’t thought of his paying for sex that one time in the sorts of terms everyone here is referring to. It bothers me that he lied and cheated. I know who the escort was as I googled her number. Yuck. After the initial year of vomit inducing thoughts we genuinely had a good marriage. Lots of good times and no reference to the illicit encounter. So I feel like I did forgive but I was still hurting. Anyway I like the way *@DinoDeb* has put it - though I definitely won’t be snooping. He also no longer has access to any of my stuff, location, emails etc. Since I believe the church story (and I think I must have confused things as he was never planning to give cash, just donate a large sum by bank transfer) I’m going to try and actually trust him now! Wish me luck!

Now your eyes have been a bit opened to the way many of us think about what men who pay for sex really think of women, do you still feel able to view him as a decent man?

Decent men don't, IMO, want to pay for a woman to shag. Because to do so says so much about how they see women and how they see themselves.

Trust him to what ? Morph into a decent person not a disgusting punter ?

You will need luck with that one

I think your own misogyny is showing, op. Perhaps you are destined to be together after all.

Hey OP, I've been in the same situation and although we didn't have trackers involved, I can't trust him as far as I can throw him..! we're going through counselling right now.. honestly, the heartache, sleepless night after night aren't worth it.. I'm going to leave after our session today, as on a whim I asked to see him phone infront of the counsellor- he didn't give it to me and gave me a sorry excuse of why I'm insecure (he cheated me 15 times over, emotionally and physically, that I'm aware of !) That was it for me, and there's a child involved here too..
Leave my love - otherwise, this will be your life, and you and your kids deserve better.. lots of hugs xx

I’m going to try and actually trust him now! Wish me luck!

There are no words. Trust a man who has no issues with using prostitutes. Ok. Prepare for history repeating itself.

Sorry crossed messages with yours .. wow, if you trust me again, it's doomed ! Don't be lie to yourself ! It won't end well.. but good luck with whatever you decide xx

Sorry, meant trust him again, and don't lie to yourself. Damn predictive text...
you honestly deserve more -I know !! I'm leaving after 4 years of this crap and heartache !!!!

I’m prepared to be flamed for this but no I don’t think shagging an escort in her late 30s who then repeatedly texted him after the event telling him she was free, despite him showing me the messages, not responding to her and deleting them, to the point where I had to eventually pick up the phone and tell her to F off, made me think at all that she wasn’t a consenting adult. I’m sure many of them are trafficked/abused but believe me that is not how this one came across.

The question about whether I can see him as a decent man, well when I think about what he did, no. Still vomit inducing. But then when I think about the past 6 years and his redeeming qualities as a husband/father I think I can probably still move on from that one night.

I guess a lot of people think men like him aren’t capable of change. I think people are. And I think it was seeing how hurt I was that made him change. Obviously I wouldn’t think that if he had been getting up to no good over the past 6 years. And maybe I wouldn’t believe he’s capable of it if I hadn’t been watching his every move all that time. It actually feels liberating not to have the option to do that anymore. Maybe this is the kick up the backside I needed to actually trust him properly with no snooping involved.

@tough2019 I’m so sorry to hear that. 15 times what a prize prick. I’m not surprised you are leaving. Well done for giving it a go. I did give him the ultimatum that one time is a mistake but if he ever did it again he would never be forgiven. So I’m going to stick by that as he hasn’t once slipped up in 6 years...so I think I should cut him some slack. I don’t think there will be a second time and I guess that’s what trust is! Good luck to you x

I guess a lot of people think men like him aren’t capable of change. I think people are.

It's not that I don't believe people can change. I think they can. However, I do believe that there are some men who fundamentally think of women as things. Using a prostitute is a fairly good indication of that. As is cheating and lying but the prostitution thing is deeper. It is basic. He wanted sex and decided to get it, regardless of anyone's feelings. Including the human being he was having sex with.

There's something not right about that, at a primal level. It's like someone hurting an animal. There's something fundamentally wrong with someone who lacks empathy in that way.

Thank-you ! Xx
And it's bloody hard - my ex has just got issues with got issues with infidelity ..! Only you can decide what to do.. but honestly, now making the decision to leave (as heartbreaking as it is for me and my son), you'll feel free and not have to worry about where he is 24/7.. I used to feel secure when my ex was at home to the point where we had arguments if he went out, as I didn't trust him..
I hate to say this, but you said once as that's what you're only aware of.. think about what you haven't found out.. great, he's at a local pub/ restaurant as you've tracked - but have they got hotel rooms attached (like a travel lodge/ room a above the premises)
Men like this are smart, and will jump hoops to make you feel secure they're too calculated !!!
I'm here if you want to message me xx

I’m sure many of them are trafficked/abused but believe me that is not how this one came across.

And of course you would know.

You caught him once. Don't be stupid enough to think this was his first time, or last time, being a punter. That you would "cut him some slack" for using a prostitute is truly unbelievable.

Just to add, he was sorry the first time, and I found out everything else by chance x

that is not how this one came across. whereas of course if she was trafficked/ abused she would be sure to let you know

This is a hard one. I think you are both reasonable and unreasonable.

I don’t think I could have forgiven my husband or partner for doing what he did. I don’t think I’d even attempt it. You have a reason not to trust him.

However, you did chose to stay and work on rebuilding your relationship- but neither of you really worked on it in a meaningful way. Instead you just kept tabs on him and denied him any privacy (and tbf, he agreed to it). For 6 years you found nothing more. Whether they was because he has been faithful to you or just better at hiding it, who knows?

Your relationship is failing because you don’t trust him. You have your reasons for that mistrust, but your way of trying to cope is not healthy for either if you and is quite controlling. I would feel suffocated in his shoes too. I think it’s clear you haven’t forgiven or forgotten and you don’t trust him. He sounds hypocritical (religious man using ptostirutes) and untrustworthy. I think you need to call time in this relationship.

I’m sure many of them are trafficked/abused but believe me that is not how this one came across.

Some sex workers are happy with their choices, obviously.

The point is he didn't know that. There's no way of knowing that. And he took the risk of it being the case because he wanted to pay to shag someone.

For a decent man, wanting to pay for sex isn't enough to risk the chance of paying for sex from a trafficked / abused / vulnerable woman.

Not decent, no. Not at all.

Ok I do see the point but as I’m pleading ignorance here (had no idea about what the escort industry is really like) I probably wouldn’t be way off the mark to think he didn’t either. Six years ago, no way were either of us clued up enough to know anything about that industry...he probably just googled it and there you go... doubt he read numerous articles about it before making his incredibly bad choice... in fact it’s only today on this thread that I’ve seen how deep this thing goes.

You're at the denial phase. Making excuses for him. That's OK you want to stay so you have to or your mind would struggle.

We'll still be here in future.

I'm out for now though because support would be supporting you to stay, which is a bad idea. And anything else would be kicking a woman when she's down. Which I'm not doing.

Good luck.

Six years ago, no way were either of us clued up enough to know anything about that industry...he probably just googled it and there you go...

You mean 2014. Not 1914. "Not clued up" about prostitution? Really? That's yet another excuse you're going with? Jesus Christ. Come the fuck on.