AIBU about DH’s privacy after he cheated years ago

[OhSoLost]

DH visited a prostitute one night around 6 years ago. I couldn’t get hold of him and he had obviously lied about where he was. I found out because of some suspect phone activity, including checking his bank statement and dialled numbers a few weeks later (yes I snooped) and then he came clean and said that he had done it once. I went back through his bank statements and accepted he could only have done it the one time. Put it down to one disgusting mistake rather than a pattern of behaviour.

The only way I was able to forgive him was because he gave me full access to everything, his location (allowed me to use the life360 app to track his whereabouts if I was ever feeling anxious) his bank statements (no large sums of money taken out ever), and his phone and email passwords were always shared and he would let me use his phone whenever. Slowly I got to the point of not having to check up on him.

I think I know deep down IABU on several fronts. ie. Why did I stay with him. Why did I need to track him and have access to everything, it all sounds very unhealthy I know. But it’s the only way I was able to get past it and trust him again. Or so I thought.

Fast forward 6 years and he’s now all of a sudden saying he feels “suffocated” because I have access to everything. I’ve read online about how awful it is to spy on partners but while he was willing and while I was able to I had reached the point where I didn’t need to anymore.

He also mentioned he would be changing his banking and email and phone password because he’s sick of having no privacy. FWIW he has full access to everything of mine too and was able to track my location with the same app. Often asking where I was or why my tracker wasn’t working for example, even though I’ve never cheated. AIBU to feel suspicious about this sudden change? It was accompanied by him saying he needs to take a large sum of cash out to give to his church. I’m feeling so uncomfortable about all of it, and obviously it’s shown me that I don’t trust him at all. I think he’s up to something again.

But I’m fully prepared to be told I’m batshit, either for taking him back in the first place or for needing access to everything or for now not trusting him despite the fact he clearly hasn’t done anything in 6 years. Actually think it will help me to be told YABU because it might make me cut him some slack and try to have a “normal” marriage from now on.

So AIBU?

Money for the church of Mary Magdalene perhaps?

I could not live like this, we have never checked each others technology either. You either trust or you don`t. Sorry

What a way to live your life

Leave. You will never really trust him.

But if you have someone who refuses to give you any privacy for 6 years wouldn't you feel suffocated? I would and I would be filing for divorce

You didn't read it properly. The one whose been keeping tabs for six years is him. And he had no reason. She stopped a good while ago.

In future, before you file for any divorces, do make sure you've read everything properly

Who gives large donations to the Church ? Are you in the USA?

Tell him you’ll take the money to his church for him.

What a horrible, wretched way to live your life.

Surely you'd be happier without him.

I don't even know how you could look at him after that. I would never trust him

this is no marriage, OP you need to end it.

Well, all I can say is that dh and I have complete transparency with our phones/email accounts/banks etc and neither one of us feels remotely suffocated because we have nothing to hide.

Why the (apparent) sudden change?

YABU. Four marriage isn’t healthy, and you haven’t forgiven him truly if you’ve had to control everything.

You have suffocated him and controlled him, which is tantamount to abuse. His actions were awful, but you had a choice to leave or forgive and get over it. You did neither, and your behaviour since is abhorrent. His actions don’t justify it.

Could he not have said something more believable than church, really?

Fucking hell, I would've believed it more if he said he needed money for new clothes or something

He showed you what he was 6 years ago. A liar and a cheat, now he thinks he deserves his freedom again, but you will never have the freedom of peace of mind.

I don’t think you can site his adulatory now either. Did you leave him last time? Or promise him that if he ever cheats again he will have lost you? Because that’s all you can do now, you must make him understand that there is no second chance. He knows you don’t trust him so he will be even more sly should he cheat again.

I read somewhere “if you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship”
You’ll have to trust him until he proves otherwise but I think you let him off too lightly last time.

My previous partner (before I met DH) regularly used prostitutes. He also had a violent temper. He kept saying that he would change, but of course he couldn’t (or wouldn’t)

I stayed because I was too scared to imagine a future that was anything different or better.
Paying for sex is such a definitive action - easy for the man to compartmentalise and say well, it’s ok as there’s no emotion involved, it is only transactional - but it blows the trust completely.
Looking back now I find it hard to understand why I stayed as long as I did, but at the time I just couldn’t see a way out.

Please do think on a life ahead on your own terms. What you are living right now is not a life, it is purely survival. He won’t change.

This is never going to work, I could not be with someone who I did not trust to this extent. Once you leave you will wonder why you spent so long doing this! Take care and please leave

Timing is suspect.

You barely checked on him now anyway.
But he checked on you.
And he announces that now he needs to change ALL his passwords because he's sick of you notchecking up on him.
AND he wants to make a substantial donation to his church that you are not privvy to?

Cherchez la femme OP.
It's more than an hour with prostitute this time OP - this is someone he's laying elaborate plans to fund spending time with. Either on the side or permanently.

I'm going to repeat what I just read on another thread a minute ago, no trust=no relationship. And after what he did, I wouldn't be able to ever trust him fully again either, it's not just the cheating, it's the health implications (the chance of him passing on an sti, as god only knows how many other clients these women would, and condoms don't stop them all).

*would have

He made the choice to break your trust in him when he slept with a prostitute and he doesn’t get to say whether it’s time he’s regained it or not - you do. It’s such a massive, massive thing that I don’t blame you at all for feeling that your trust in him is gone permanently. If it’s suffocating for him, that’s understandable, but he can’t expect your unwavering faith in him ever again and now he has to understand that if you have questions and doubts, you need to be able to put yourself at ease every single time.

That’s why cheating is so often the final nail in the coffin - it can’t be undone and there’s no way you can ever think ‘he’s not like that - he wouldn’t do that to me’ ever again.

It sounds like his actions aren’t something you can get past and you’re making yourself unhappy simply because you’re with a man that can’t be trusted to be faithful so you are never at peace. All his own fault.

I think 6 yrs is long enough to prove himself trustworthy.

If you cannot still forgive and move on normally, then you are just punishing him and yourself at this point.

Well, he's a liar and that tends never to change.
I hope you sent him for some excruciating sex tests at the time.
He doesn't sound much like someone I would wish in my life.I hope that you can leave him.

I would have ended it in the first place, and I think you have every right to do that now. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed.
How can you share your life with a person you don’t trust.
You need to get your ducks in a row pretty damn quick as it sounds like he might be doing. Get screen shots of all back accounts to start with - his, yours and joint.
Good luck 💐

Argh ok so I’ve just asked him about the donation. He hasn’t made it. He says the person he spoke to (a mutual acquaintance at the church) was trying to get him to send it to his personal bank account rather than to the registered charity account (and this acquaintance has been known to ask us for money before in the same way) so that’s what stopped him as he thought it was very dodgy. DH had wanted to pay for some repairs due to water damage because the acquaintance came up with a long winded story about how it was for an outbuilding used for Sunday school and the Sunday school is not actually registered apparently. So the guy said that’s why he preferred the money into his account. DH never paid it. So I probably imagined the worst when I’m feeling slightly better about it now. The story checks out. But it has raised some vital questions about whether I want to continue living my life like this. I don’t, obviously. At the crossroads now...and I think I want to give this one last shot. See if I can actually learn to trust now that I have no access to anything. I’ll see what he’s like with subtle things, like leaving his phone around me, unlocked etc. That used to be something he did all the time. If I see any red flags I’ll let you all know. But essentially you’re all correct, I probably should have ditched him, but I’m also glad I gave the marriage a shot for the sake of the family. Now I need to see if I can do that in a more “normal” setting where we aren’t checking up on each other. Hoping for the best but prepared for the worst.

You may believe in forgiveness op but you certainly didn’t grant it.

You agreed to stay because it benefitted you to do so but on the understanding you could effectively monitor and stalk his every move as and when you saw fit and that he had no right to privacy ever again.

What he did was bad, but Christ, I think the punishment didn’t match it, what a way to have to live. What horrific conditions he agreed to

And now he’s said he won’t live like this any more, he won’t allow you to monitor and stalk him, you will threaten to end it or will end it. Your condition for being there now is the same as it was then.

There was no forgiveness. There was simply control. I think you need to own that. If he conceded he would continue to allow you to monitor and stalk him to continue to give up all rights to privacy then I suspect you’d stay.

So as much as what he did was awful the punishment he’s taken for six years for it is just as bad, if not worse, I would not want my husband tracking me, checking my bank accounts, my phone logs etc.

But I think you need to be honest, you didn’t forgive and still don’t and you are in the same position now as then, you will stay if it benefits you and if you can continue to Monitor and stalk his activities, as you will never trust him again.

I wouldn't trust him either. Esp not when he suddenly says that he feels suffocated and also tries to fling in the excuse/emotional blackmail of needing to donate a large sum to the church. I would tell him that he can change his passwords but I would ask him how much he intends to donate to the church and then, I would offer/insist on delivering it on his behalf. That will annoy him because I bet that he has no intention of giving his money to the church. And I highly doubt that it was just the once. He could have had previous affairs or paid a sex worker cash that he had drawn out in stages. I think that I would just tell him that it was wrong of you to suffocate him, apologize, but explain that you can't move on and then end it.

It’s not impossible to stay together op despite all the LTB posts. Only you know him well enough and whether, excepting the cheating episode, your relationship is worth going on with.

If you still love him and want to stay together, here’s what I would do:

1. Smile sweetly and agree that you no longer need access to xyz. Lull him into a complete false sense of security. Be nice, very nice.

1. Spend the next few weeks/months snooping like fuck. Unless he’s James Bond, he’ll slip at some point and leave his phone at home/account details open etc ESPECIALLY if you are acting fine about everything.

1. It will go either one or two ways:

A) You find out he’s cheating. You can kick him out without any lingering doubts about what if you were wrong etc. I think with this confirmation he’s a scum bag you’d find it easier to move on. B) You’ll find he’s been as honest as the day is long and you’re paranoid due to the history. In this case, tell him what you’ve been doing and move forward together with some serious counselling to help you both move on. If he’s innocent but won’t forgive you for lying and snooping, kick him out - he owes you a bit of give considering HIS history and if he’s unwilling to give it to save your relationship, there’s your answer.

So as much as what he did was awful the punishment he’s taken for six years for it is just as bad, if not worse, I would not want my husband tracking me, checking my bank accounts, my phone logs etc.

Don’t pay to fuck a woman then. Although nobody actually believes that checking someone’s email is anywhere near as bad as paying to use a woman’s body for sex.