AIBU about DH’s privacy after he cheated years ago

[OhSoLost]

DH visited a prostitute one night around 6 years ago. I couldn’t get hold of him and he had obviously lied about where he was. I found out because of some suspect phone activity, including checking his bank statement and dialled numbers a few weeks later (yes I snooped) and then he came clean and said that he had done it once. I went back through his bank statements and accepted he could only have done it the one time. Put it down to one disgusting mistake rather than a pattern of behaviour.

The only way I was able to forgive him was because he gave me full access to everything, his location (allowed me to use the life360 app to track his whereabouts if I was ever feeling anxious) his bank statements (no large sums of money taken out ever), and his phone and email passwords were always shared and he would let me use his phone whenever. Slowly I got to the point of not having to check up on him.

I think I know deep down IABU on several fronts. ie. Why did I stay with him. Why did I need to track him and have access to everything, it all sounds very unhealthy I know. But it’s the only way I was able to get past it and trust him again. Or so I thought.

Fast forward 6 years and he’s now all of a sudden saying he feels “suffocated” because I have access to everything. I’ve read online about how awful it is to spy on partners but while he was willing and while I was able to I had reached the point where I didn’t need to anymore.

He also mentioned he would be changing his banking and email and phone password because he’s sick of having no privacy. FWIW he has full access to everything of mine too and was able to track my location with the same app. Often asking where I was or why my tracker wasn’t working for example, even though I’ve never cheated. AIBU to feel suspicious about this sudden change? It was accompanied by him saying he needs to take a large sum of cash out to give to his church. I’m feeling so uncomfortable about all of it, and obviously it’s shown me that I don’t trust him at all. I think he’s up to something again.

But I’m fully prepared to be told I’m batshit, either for taking him back in the first place or for needing access to everything or for now not trusting him despite the fact he clearly hasn’t done anything in 6 years. Actually think it will help me to be told YABU because it might make me cut him some slack and try to have a “normal” marriage from now on.

So AIBU?

I guess a lot of people think men like him aren’t capable of change. I think people are. And I think it was seeing how hurt I was that made him change.

He hasn't changed though, has he? Six years on, he's kicking off because of your suffocating scrutiny, despite the fact that he's been monitoring you far more than you've been monitoring him, and proposing to spend a large amount of money on something that may or not have to do with his church but you "must have confused things" as his story keeps changing. He's lying to you, OP. You don't have to be a genius to figure out what about.

I guess I'm with @MrsTerryPratchett. Once you can bear to look at things clearly, the only thing left to do is leave, and if you're not ready to do that nothing anyone else says will make a difference. You asked for good luck, and I'm sure everyone here wishes you some.

The church 😂😂😂 come on girl you already know. LTB

A relationship revolves around trust. You have no trust therefore you have no proper relationship. Either trust him again and stop snooping. Or just break up already . Both of you are miserable now. No happiness at all. Just controlling and being controlled.

This doesn't sound healthy OP 😫

Speak to the church re the money

No Yabu and I if I was your husband I would not like to live like this either. He made a mistake, you chose to stay, the constant checking is just shocking. Either trust him and move on, or separate.

@Californiastreaming

No Yabu and I if I was your husband I would not like to live like this either. He made a mistake, you chose to stay, the constant checking is just shocking. Either trust him and move on, or separate.

Would agree if it wasn't for the sudden untraced money and locked bank accounts. There's trust but there is also practicality. It sounds like divorce prepping.

Spoke to his mum and dad about the donation. The guy was round their house asking for the money. DH offered, but later retracted as the guy was asking for it to be transferred to his account. So no money has changed hands AFAIK.

Going to just trust him and let it go. I appreciate all the replies and I know I’m a mug for staying despite the infidelity and all the other stuff I’m being told it shows. But I guess I’ll know in time if it was the right or wrong decision. For now my kids are happy and I think that trumps my happiness...

I’m sure I’m not the first and won’t be the last to stay in a marriage mainly for the sake of the little ones.

Once a cheat..they just find sneakier ways of doing things and become complete masters of duplicity. Trust your instincts-this is not a "proper marriage" -that ended when he used a prostitute. Why the f@ck anyone(you or him)would want to live within the confines,restrictions,suspicions and second-guessing hell of this relationship i just dont understand? It sounds like a living nightmare.

What about you, OP ? Don't you deserve a chance to be happy ? You've given it six years and it's still there festering away.

Your children will cope, be happy and thrive if you are in a good place. I doubt that being with a man who betrays you and his children and uses prostituted woman is a good place to be.

Six years have passed that you can't get back and those years haven't made you happy with your relationship. Do you really need to lose another six years ? Life doesn't have to be this hard.

Wow OhSoLost your husband must be the unluckiest man alive; to be caught paying for sex the very first time he cheated on you, your marriage, and your children

If you have a daughter would your husband be happy for her to be a ‘happy hooker’ and meet punters like him?

I know what you’re doing OP, I really hope it actually works out for you, although I’m not sure it will.

It sounds like an awful way to live for both of you.

He threw your marriage away when he paid a woman for sex. And you don't trust him (for good reason). It also sounds like he's planning on doing it again.

I know it's hard to hear, but I think things would be much better for YOU by ending this. Fuck him. Horrible hypocrite of a cheating church-going bastard.

For now my kids are happy and I think that trumps my happiness...

Please don't fool yourself. As they grow older, they will think that this is a healthy relationship, and model their own behaviour and relationships on your mistrust and his resentment.

If YOU are happy, they will be happy.

You know there's lots of people on earth right?

You don't just have to stick with the one you picked first.

I don't think a relationship necessarily had to end if one person cheats. But this wasn't a drunken one-night-stand or a flirtation with a co-worker that went too far.

He sought out this woman with the intent to cheat. All cheaters make a conscious choice in the moment, but he planned it. I couldn't live with that. Without even taking into consideration what using a prostitute says about his attitude towards women, I could never forgive it.

@Moondust001 Your marriage died the moment you couldn't move past a stupid mistake

Wow... nice to see there are some who will blame the woman no matter what!! Her marriage was over the moment her husband paid a women to use her body, not because the op couldn't move on.

A mistake is not paying for sex. That is a calculated deception on his part. Stop minimising.

@OhSoLost

I’m prepared to be flamed for this but no I don’t think shagging an escort in her late 30s who then repeatedly texted him after the event telling him she was free, despite him showing me the messages, not responding to her and deleting them, to the point where I had to eventually pick up the phone and tell her to F off, made me think at all that she wasn’t a consenting adult. I’m sure many of them are trafficked/abused but believe me that is not how this one came across.

The question about whether I can see him as a decent man, well when I think about what he did, no. Still vomit inducing. But then when I think about the past 6 years and his redeeming qualities as a husband/father I think I can probably still move on from that one night.

I guess a lot of people think men like him aren’t capable of change. I think people are. And I think it was seeing how hurt I was that made him change. Obviously I wouldn’t think that if he had been getting up to no good over the past 6 years. And maybe I wouldn’t believe he’s capable of it if I hadn’t been watching his every move all that time. It actually feels liberating not to have the option to do that anymore. Maybe this is the kick up the backside I needed to actually trust him properly with no snooping involved.

He cheated and hired a prostitute to have sex with him for money and you're still managing to spin this like so many other women do and make out that she did the chasing!

Maybe she was just nice to her (not that that makes it ok)...seeing as he's a man of the church and everything....so he stood out to her as some kind of nice guy out of all the scumbag men she had slept with at that time. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if he went on like some kind of religious deeply torn man to her who wanted to save her......if you ever read any interviews with prostitutes they've nearly all encountered weird men like that who act like they want to save them because they're good guys deep down and not like the rest (even though they just paid them for sex not knowing if they were abused or trafficked).

If he didn't cheat over the past 6 years then for all you know that's only because he knew you were checking up on him all the time, not because he genuinely wanted to stay faithful.

I think it's absolute madness to live like this!

Christ. Not only are you willing to sweep his punting under the carpet but you actually stepped in and saw off the evil, predatory Jezebel for him as well.

Over and out.

Pretty shocked that one evil action by a person in their life can define them! For those doubting it was his first time I did look back through his banking history at the time, he literally never took out cash. Paid by card everywhere he went and so yes I think he was dumb enough to get caught the first time. Like I said he was always very open with his phone not expecting to be caught but that’s how I got him: believe me I made his life hell for a long time because of it, sounds from some of these replies like I must have made his life hell for the past 6 years. But wow the fact that no one here could ever forgive such a transgression saddens me. But I think from reading other threads I’m not the only one who has forgiven something like this and then been able to move on from it and have a happy marriage. Hopefully what our kids will see now is more of a normal marriage, with no snooping and no suffocation. It’s basically still a lockdown where we live apart from occasional visitors to our home and he barely leaves the house so not sure when he’s planning this deception but I really don’t think he is now. Thank you for all your comments.

Is this a reverse OP? Are you actually the husband who was hoping that we would all say how bad your wife is for checking up on you?

So if you are so happy to see his side of it from the nasty OW who wont leave diddums alone, what is the point of this thread?

No not a reverse. Lol. The point of this thread was to see if people agreed it was dodgy that he had stopped all the tracking and whether the church payment seemed dodgy too. I think having read some of the replies I’ve realised I didn’t handle the infidelity as I probably should’ve. I could’ve either forgiven him and moved on or just left him. But the tracking was what I needed to feel like he was genuinely sorry. I think that was the only way I could have moved past it. But the thread has helped me to see that if I want to have a normal marriage I have to let all that checking up on him go which I’m happy to do having read all the replies. What I’m not yet willing to accept is that a flawed person must still be flawed years later and that one night of paid sex (when I wasn’t sleeping with him) is unforgivable.

Definitely a reverse. An affair is one thing, I’d hate it but I can see why people would try to get over it. Your husband paying a potentially abused woman (with a magical voice that gives away her age) to use her holes for a few minutes is a totally different ball game.