AIBU about DH’s privacy after he cheated years ago

[OhSoLost]

DH visited a prostitute one night around 6 years ago. I couldn’t get hold of him and he had obviously lied about where he was. I found out because of some suspect phone activity, including checking his bank statement and dialled numbers a few weeks later (yes I snooped) and then he came clean and said that he had done it once. I went back through his bank statements and accepted he could only have done it the one time. Put it down to one disgusting mistake rather than a pattern of behaviour.

The only way I was able to forgive him was because he gave me full access to everything, his location (allowed me to use the life360 app to track his whereabouts if I was ever feeling anxious) his bank statements (no large sums of money taken out ever), and his phone and email passwords were always shared and he would let me use his phone whenever. Slowly I got to the point of not having to check up on him.

I think I know deep down IABU on several fronts. ie. Why did I stay with him. Why did I need to track him and have access to everything, it all sounds very unhealthy I know. But it’s the only way I was able to get past it and trust him again. Or so I thought.

Fast forward 6 years and he’s now all of a sudden saying he feels “suffocated” because I have access to everything. I’ve read online about how awful it is to spy on partners but while he was willing and while I was able to I had reached the point where I didn’t need to anymore.

He also mentioned he would be changing his banking and email and phone password because he’s sick of having no privacy. FWIW he has full access to everything of mine too and was able to track my location with the same app. Often asking where I was or why my tracker wasn’t working for example, even though I’ve never cheated. AIBU to feel suspicious about this sudden change? It was accompanied by him saying he needs to take a large sum of cash out to give to his church. I’m feeling so uncomfortable about all of it, and obviously it’s shown me that I don’t trust him at all. I think he’s up to something again.

But I’m fully prepared to be told I’m batshit, either for taking him back in the first place or for needing access to everything or for now not trusting him despite the fact he clearly hasn’t done anything in 6 years. Actually think it will help me to be told YABU because it might make me cut him some slack and try to have a “normal” marriage from now on.

So AIBU?

But wow the fact that no one here could ever forgive such a transgression saddens me. But I think from reading other threads I’m not the only one who has forgiven something like this and then been able to move on from it and have a happy marriage.

Dripping with judgement of other posters there despite the fact they feel protective of you as a woman whose husband is complicit in misogyny and the abuse of women. Nice.

If you've read other threads about forgiving / not forgiving, you'll have seen how many who forgive say they've ended up being happy. Barely any. Most say "I was you xx years ago, the resentment built and / or he did it again and now I feel too old to start again." Unless you've seen loads I've missed where people have ended up happy?

As for it being his first time... yes I'm sure that prostitute just found him so charming and handsome and wonderful that she couldn't wait to see him again. Not that she could tell once a punter always a punter and he is one through and through.

You're defending him and judging other women on this thread for wanting more for you. I would be sickened by him. How will you sleep with him again knowing he has paid money to get a woman to give him blow jobs and sex? He booked, went to hers, undressed, likely had oral and vaginal sex with her at minimum, paid her, dressed himself up and came home without you knowing he'd done it. He's vile.

I wouldn't have been so harsh if you hadn't turned on posters basically supporting you but that's what he's done, that's why people are saying it's unforgivable. And it is for you too, or you wouldn't be struggling with it so much down the line. It's ok to change your mind about being able to move on from it. You've tried. It's too hard.

This is on him, not you. Stop making it your problem to fix when he isn't making the same effort. Good luck, I really do hope you can find happiness.

What I’m not yet willing to accept is that a flawed person must still be flawed years later and that one night of paid sex (when I wasn’t sleeping with him) is unforgivable.

You've blamed yourself there in brackets. Can you see how unfair on you that is? He didn't have a RIGHT to sex that means if you didn't have sex with him, it was fair game to pay for it from a prostitute.

He’s even blaming his own wife because they weren’t sleeping together at the time 😂😂

What an absolute prince.

Her age is available online and it’s very obvious from looking at her how old she is, she’s definitely no spring chicken. She’s not abused or trafficked and I think to suggest that is the case for every hooker is ridiculous. Don’t think I’d be able to forgive an affair because there might be emotions involved that there definitely weren’t in this case. I actually feel a bit sorry for anyone who thinks people who do a bad thing are just bad people, not worthy of love or forgiveness. How sad.

OP it seem like you're determined to see things through any bias, by grabbing onto anything that's an unknown and using it to think there is still a chance he isn't completely a dick, because you don't want him to be.

The relationship can't ever have been that good or he wouldn't be out paying for prostitutes, he knew plenty about doing so since he managed it successfully. He has no respect for you then, didn't care about your physical health or your feelings or mental health. He's a proven liar, who only admitted the bare minimum when he has no other choice and went along with your desire to minimise anything that couldn't be proven on paper.

He is the one who has made your life hell since it happened and it's unfortunate you are so normalised to it you can't see that. Forgiving and staying someone doesn't make you a bigger person if that person has damaged and abused you by causing you this level of distress. It usually makes you a victim. A successful marriage is defined by how happy and content each party is, in healthy ways,not simply the fact it's still going on after some years.

It isn't your responsibility to provide the entire role model for your kids, who's father is a cheat and a liar who slept with a sex worker and then gaslit you. It doesn't seem like he ever needs to to anything here, since you are willing to pick up all the slack. You shouldn't have to check, or feel the need the check on him. You can make yourself stop checking but as for the latter- I doubt it will go. You're already stressed and grill ing him. It isn't either OP, any of it and you deserve better.

No not blaming myself for it and neither did he actually. Just put it there for context - he wanted sex - it was a sleazy twattish move - to suggest that anyone who uses a hooker must immediately be aware that they are abused and trafficked and deserve our sympathy - and so should their families be aware of it - is bizarre.

@OhSoLost

Her age is available online and it’s very obvious from looking at her how old she is, she’s definitely no spring chicken. She’s not abused or trafficked and I think to suggest that is the case for every hooker is ridiculous. Don’t think I’d be able to forgive an affair because there might be emotions involved that there definitely weren’t in this case. I actually feel a bit sorry for anyone who thinks people who do a bad thing are just bad people, not worthy of love or forgiveness. How sad.

Of course, you don’t know she’s not abused. Quite a lot of contempt for the woman your pathetic husband (or you) had to pay to fuck him because his own wife couldn’t stand it.

@Handsoffisback

ohsolost he sounds like a total idiot tbh and you both sound ridiculous for ‘tracking eachother’ Etc. Split up if you want. Stay if you want. Be aware it’ll eat up at you if you do though. FWIW, I also hate this MN thing that all sex workers are abused, trafficked and incapable of making their own decisions. It’s offensive.

Hang on, I’m about to phone a prostitute. Quick! How can I guarantee 100% that she’s not abused or trafficked? What’s the series of questions I have to ask? Will she have a special badge?

@OhSoLost

Her age is available online and it’s very obvious from looking at her how old she is, she’s definitely no spring chicken. She’s not abused or trafficked and I think to suggest that is the case for every hooker is ridiculous. Don’t think I’d be able to forgive an affair because there might be emotions involved that there definitely weren’t in this case. I actually feel a bit sorry for anyone who thinks people who do a bad thing are just bad people, not worthy of love or forgiveness. How sad.

Don't feel sorry for people who wouldn't forgive their partner paying to have sex with another woman, there's really no need to. You have really turned and showed such vitriol for those who have a strong moral compass and expressed their beliefs. You started a thread about your husband paying to have sex with a prostitute, you've got more on your plate than pitying women like me who would say that's a dealbreaker.

@Handsoffisback

pumper what on earth are you on about? You sound unhinged! I didn’t suggest anything about the OPs ‘DH’ knowing or not knowing that the prostitute in question was abused or trafficked, I made a general remark that I find it offensive that most people on MN seem to follow that narrative when it’s not the case. There are sex workers out there making their own decisions to do what they do, it wouldn’t be my choice but you cannot say that every sex worker is trafficked and abused. That is offensive to the person that willingly participates in this industry.

I’m not saying that - I’m saying you can’t know. You can’t guarantee they’re not abused. So ignoring that they might be and fucking them anyway takes a particular type of person - one who sees their right to access to a hole that happens to have a person attached to it as more important than that actual person.

Lol. Thank you all. Some of these replies are giving me a good laugh this morning! I think people on AIBU seem to detest when people either try to work at their marriage (because a marriage can’t have low times or shouldn’t need work or some other bizarre reason) or can’t stand when someone forgives a man they couldn’t. Leaving someone might show you have an immaculate moral compass but one final note from me, forgiveness shows strength too.

All sex workers ARE abused, either by their pimps, or by punters. There are plenty of testimonials of punters abusing the sex worker, they feel that because they're paying for sex, they can do what they want.

@OhSoLost

Lol. Thank you all. Some of these replies are giving me a good laugh this morning! I think people on AIBU seem to detest when people either try to work at their marriage (because a marriage can’t have low times or shouldn’t need work or some other bizarre reason) or can’t stand when someone forgives a man they couldn’t. Leaving someone might show you have an immaculate moral compass but one final note from me, forgiveness shows strength too.

I don’t think you have to have an immaculate moral compass to stop yourself fucking a young, potentially abused woman who wouldn’t give you a second glance otherwise because you’re so repulsive even your wife doesn’t want you anywhere near her.

Glad you have had a laugh. Posters use their own experiences sometimes to try and help others, and this can be painful for them to revisit it. But some have done this to help and support you - going from your OP, not your latest victim blaming posts (the victim being the woman he slept with who may have been in a desperate situation)

But as long as you have had a laugh @OhSoLost then good for you. Jog on love.

Lol. Thank you all. Some of these replies are giving me a good laugh this morning!

This is so cringe. It's painfully obvious you aren't laughing at all, you're lashing out because you're hurt people have said they believe you're naive and foolish to think your husband is a decent man. Saying lol and calling people bizarre doesn't kid anyone into thinking you actually think anything on this thread is amusing.

I’m so pleased to know that I’ve given you a laugh OP. You might think you are funny but I think it’s just really sad.

So many women conditioned to think that they are worthless and accept any shitty treatment to ‘keep their man’.

So many women abused for money.

And so many women turn on other women rather than see the man involved for who they really are.

No punters would want their daughter to be a prostitute, despite being happy to pay to have sex with one themselves. Open hypocrisy.

Yet it's always at least in part a woman's fault. OP felt a defence of him was that she wasn't sleeping with him at the time. And mentioned the prostitute had called her husband.

Always a woman responsible for a man's behaviour.

It's sad, especially when these things are said by a woman. Burn the witches, protect the men.

Op, if this is still rearing its head and causing you anxiety six years later, your claim to be able to forgive it seems a little - shall we say - unfounded. Unrealistic. Unlikely.

You can say forgiveness shows strength, but you're not there yet, are you? And why should you be? I guess the church donation thing means you're a religious couple and that plays into it all. His hypocrisy must stick in your throat a bit.

I hope you get some peace of mind.

Ah well, you deserve what's coming to you. Your children don't and it's a shame you won't protect them.

@OhSoLost

Lol. Thank you all. Some of these replies are giving me a good laugh this morning! I think people on AIBU seem to detest when people either try to work at their marriage (because a marriage can’t have low times or shouldn’t need work or some other bizarre reason) or can’t stand when someone forgives a man they couldn’t. Leaving someone might show you have an immaculate moral compass but one final note from me, forgiveness shows strength too.

Leaving aside the hollow laughter, which I assume comes from a place of pain, it seems to me that you're trying to square your feelings of mistrust and revulsion for this man with your Christian faith. While this isn't my bag personally, I'm sure many of us can respect it. Have you considered the possibility that forgiving him doesn't mean you have to stay with him? Indeed, that it might be easier to forgive him if you don't? Your capacity for Christian forgiveness and your duty to yourself as a human being with needs and feelings are not mutually exclusive, you know.

It seems to me that you're under a lot of pressure, both internal and external, to preserve your marriage and family at all costs, and that you've been taught to be dismissive of any new-fangled ideas about self-actualisation and -fulfilment that might threaten that ideal. I would really like to think you could talk this through in RL with someone you trust but who isn't part of your church. If it's OK for him to pay for sex, would it be OK for you to pay a counsellor? It sounds as though it could really help.

What I’m not yet willing to accept is that a flawed person must still be flawed years later and that one night of paid sex (when I wasn’t sleeping with him) is unforgivable.

Ohhh, so you blame yourself (as he did, I expect) so no wonder you can accept it.

How did you find out, op?

Also, I could give an affair more than I could sleeping with a prostitute. Why? An affair usually means feelings are involved, and the two parties at least think they have their feelings in common. It signals a bond of sorts, and usually builds over time. (Not excusing it)

Paying for sex is using someone for your own instant gratification, when the decent act of waiting for your wife to be ready to resume sexual contact is "too hard", and you cannot "wait" for her to be ready again, and your wants overtake everyone else's needs.

It's a huge fuck you to whatever YOU were going through at the time. He couldn't be bothered to wait it out, he had to seek out instant gratification. Urgh.

When a man sleeps with a prostitute he is showing you what he really thinks of women - and that is that they are disposable, good only for sex and instant gratification, as long as you pay enough.

forgiveness shows strength too. Forgiving someone who put you at risk of STIs, and wasted family money on his own gratification, probably while you were doing the wife/mum duties at home, is shit. I am sorry that you think you need to forgive this, but please stop insulting the woman your husband used.

It shows your own moral compass is a little shady itself. Also, if not trafficked and abused, many women end up selling sex to pay their bills/debts/addictions etc. Not all no, but thinking you know that this woman does what she does freely/happily is naive, at best!

Forgiving him doesn't mean that you need to stay in your marriage or else you're letting him down. You can still forgive him and leave. You can still love him and leave. You don't ever need to give someone a second chance.

This is a man who betrayed you once and has now, for a second time, caused you to look at him and wonder. If he's suffocating it's his own guilt that is doing that to him and rather than talk to you, he's laid down the rules as to how it's going to be and what you're going to have to accept. That's what has set your anxiety off. not your own behaviour.