AIBU about DH’s privacy after he cheated years ago

[OhSoLost]

DH visited a prostitute one night around 6 years ago. I couldn’t get hold of him and he had obviously lied about where he was. I found out because of some suspect phone activity, including checking his bank statement and dialled numbers a few weeks later (yes I snooped) and then he came clean and said that he had done it once. I went back through his bank statements and accepted he could only have done it the one time. Put it down to one disgusting mistake rather than a pattern of behaviour.

The only way I was able to forgive him was because he gave me full access to everything, his location (allowed me to use the life360 app to track his whereabouts if I was ever feeling anxious) his bank statements (no large sums of money taken out ever), and his phone and email passwords were always shared and he would let me use his phone whenever. Slowly I got to the point of not having to check up on him.

I think I know deep down IABU on several fronts. ie. Why did I stay with him. Why did I need to track him and have access to everything, it all sounds very unhealthy I know. But it’s the only way I was able to get past it and trust him again. Or so I thought.

Fast forward 6 years and he’s now all of a sudden saying he feels “suffocated” because I have access to everything. I’ve read online about how awful it is to spy on partners but while he was willing and while I was able to I had reached the point where I didn’t need to anymore.

He also mentioned he would be changing his banking and email and phone password because he’s sick of having no privacy. FWIW he has full access to everything of mine too and was able to track my location with the same app. Often asking where I was or why my tracker wasn’t working for example, even though I’ve never cheated. AIBU to feel suspicious about this sudden change? It was accompanied by him saying he needs to take a large sum of cash out to give to his church. I’m feeling so uncomfortable about all of it, and obviously it’s shown me that I don’t trust him at all. I think he’s up to something again.

But I’m fully prepared to be told I’m batshit, either for taking him back in the first place or for needing access to everything or for now not trusting him despite the fact he clearly hasn’t done anything in 6 years. Actually think it will help me to be told YABU because it might make me cut him some slack and try to have a “normal” marriage from now on.

So AIBU?

You now recognise that your relationship isn't ok. What happens next is whatever you need and want. It isn't about him now; what he has or hasn't done, what he does or doesn't want. Make yourself the focus. Take the tracker off his phone, delete anything that's his private stuff and work out where you go next because this sounds like it's destroying your soul.

@OhSoLost

Thank you all. I guess the general consensus is that this was doomed when he cheated. I honestly thought we had been able to rebuild something but you’re all right: deep down I hate living like this and so does he. He has damaged me irreparably and I don’t think any amount of tracking and snooping ever undoes that. Thank you all for your honest opinions.

I don't agree. People can do stupid things or make mistakes in life. Nobody is perfect or infallible. I don't condone what he did. But the condition of "forgiveness" was that you controlled his life. You never forgave him at all. Which was your prerogative, but you should have ended it there and then. I don't think either of your are being unreasonable, but equally I think you both are right. Your marriage died the moment you couldn't move past a stupid mistake. And there was no reason you had to. But equally got are condoning his life unreasonably, and he has a right to be trusted. If you can't you that, it's over.

Thank you all. I guess the general consensus is that this was doomed when he cheated.

The only way it could have been not doomed is if you have been able to trust him and take the risk of trusting him.

Living with an electronic tag is unsustainable and he should never have agreed to it.

But then again, I really don't think it sounds like you should trust him either. That story about the church donation sounds dodgy as anything.

For the trust-rebuilding to have worked, I suspect he would have needed to be quite a different person.

" you are controlling" not condoning

@ALLIS0N

Most churches are registered charities so would want any donations to be made through the bank and for the person donating to claim gift aid. They never want large donations in cash.

This.

I assume the 'church' will issue a proper receipt, right?

Screenshot all the accounts and find a lawyer. Sorry

People can do stupid things or make mistakes in life.

I agree. Someone drinks too much at an event and says something stupid. Someone breaks something special of someone's. Someone forgets an anniversary. Stupid and mistakes. Even up to, maybe, possibly, a drunken snog with a coworker at a Christmas party. Maybe.

But someone deciding to get money, find a prostitute, arrange to meet them, pay them and fuck them. Buying consent from a woman who could be trafficked, pimped, addicted or abused (I'm assuming he didn't bother checking). And he lied the entire time. That's not a mistake. That premeditated betrayal and abuse. Not forgivable in my book.

@ALLIS0N

Most churches are registered charities so would want any donations to be made through the bank and for the person donating to claim gift aid. They never want large donations in cash.

Exactly this. Any donations would get gift aid so why would they want cash, which would mean it would be difficult for them to claim it?

Leave him, my partner and I have access to each other’s phones/banking etc. I’ve never looked at his phone as I’ve no need but he uses it for internet etc if his is charging and vice versa. Sounds like he’s planning on having another affair/prostitute

Haven't you posted about this guy before, OP? Maybe I'm thinking of your original thread.

He has royally fucked over your marriage. I can see why you put all the measures in place that you did back then but it was a sticking plaster only and it is frayed around the edges, the glue has 90% gone and a light wind will blow it away.

Divorce him. Accept that the wound will never heal and move on. You are a better man than me Gunga Din. I would have had his balls on a shovel and divorced him back when he gave me just cause.

Not that it would really make a difference to me but what was his reason for paying for sex?

Staying has turned you into someone you don't really want to be.

I think it's time to call it a day, tbh.

@MrsTerryPratchett

People can do stupid things or make mistakes in life.

I agree. Someone drinks too much at an event and says something stupid. Someone breaks something special of someone's. Someone forgets an anniversary. Stupid and mistakes. Even up to, maybe, possibly, a drunken snog with a coworker at a Christmas party. Maybe.

But someone deciding to get money, find a prostitute, arrange to meet them, pay them and fuck them. Buying consent from a woman who could be trafficked, pimped, addicted or abused (I'm assuming he didn't bother checking). And he lied the entire time. That's not a mistake. That premeditated betrayal and abuse. Not forgivable in my book.

Exactly this. Couldn't agree more.

What he did was disgusting. The condition for you and he staying together was full access to his info. He wants to go back on that? Fine he backs out of the arrangement and you back out of the marriage.

I probably did post about the infidelity back when it happened, though I can’t remember what my username was back then.

The church thing is suspect merely because of the timing. I now can’t remember if he said cash donation or was just checking whether I was ok with a large sum of money being donated to the church. If it’s the latter then not so suspect obviously, as there’d be a trail if it was donated electronically. And maybe he was just checking with me first. But of course now that he’s changed the banking password I don’t even know if he has sent it via a bank transfer or taken out cash which I agree he’d be stupid to do - I did mention the gift aid element so I assume he was going to pay it electronically and my judgment has been clouded by the changing of passwords so I’m confusing the two. Need to ask him.

No, I wouldn't trust him. I'd be angry that he dared complain about feeling "suffocated", when it was his own idiotic, cheating behaviour that had caused you not to trust him.

I think that when you cross certain lines in a relationship, you effectively permanently give up a degree of your autonomy or power in that relationship. You likely can't earn it back, no matter how many years have passed. You won't ever be fully trusted, because you've proven you don't deserve full trust. If he can't live with that, maybe you can't live with him.

If you were still regularly checking everything six years on, I feel he may have a point.

However, you said you no longer check and felt you had rebuilt the relationship, and had moved on. Consequently, this sudden u-turn in dp’s behaviour is suspicious.

Has he said what the large donation is for? Are you part of the church? If not, look on their website/social media to see if there are any projects they are fundraising for. How large is large?

Did he tell his church about how he thinks women are a purchasable commodity for the purpose of him emptying his ball-sack?

Bin him off. You deserve so much better than him x

I'm sorry but you have to draw a line under it move on or get out . It unhealthy for both of you the current setup

Also, maybe I'm weird, but I wouldn't care if my husband had a way to track my every move. He probably can, if he tries, because he's more tech savvy than I am. We share accounts. There's a box with all our passwords at my desk, unguarded. We have access to one another's phones and computers.

He has no reason to suspect me of anything, so I'd be shocked if he were tracking me, but if I'd cheated on him in the past and he liked to know that he could keep close tabs on me to prove to himself that I wasn't lying again, I don't think I'd have the "right" to complain. Certainly not if I wanted him to stay with me.

When someone shouts about needing more privacy from their spouse or partner, I can't help but wonder what they're hiding.

@Aquamarine1029
Spot on! You cannot have a marriage without trust. If you're never gunna be able to trust him, when he's out and constantly wondering and thinking what he may be up to etc no point in living like that! NOT a marriage.

Just feel so shit. I know it’s over because I have realised I don’t trust him now. But we have genuinely had a good marriage since the worst happened. The first year after the cheating - not so much. It was hell. But I honestly thought we moved past it and we all seemed happy for at least the last 5 years or so. We have two children. I stayed with him because I believe in forgiveness when someone genuinely says they are sorry and tries to show it, he really grovelled for ages. I also didn’t want to break up the family because, despite everything, they adore him and he is a very loving father who dotes on them despite what he may have done once in his life when he says he was suffering from depression/ having a breakdown. I know I was an idiot to stay with him, but I did it for the kids. Now I have to consider whether I want to hurt them just because the adults can’t seem to sort themselves out (well mainly him!) but I would see leaving him as punishing my kids as well as him and that’s not fair on them.

OP you are doing yourself such a disservice in life by staying with him. He wrecked your marriage, trust, and everything else. He doesnt deserve a second chance.

It sounds like a pack of lies to me, sorry. After 6 years of scrutiny that arises directly from his own scummy behaviour, he only now feels suffocated, just as he'd like to start making large cash donations to his church? He must think you came down with the last shower. Chapeau to you for making a spirited stab at saving your marriage singlehanded, but if ever there was a time to LTB, this is it.

WIW he has full access to everything of mine too and was able to track my location with the same app. Often asking where I was or why my tracker wasn’t working for example, even though I’ve never cheated.

Hmm

So he can keep tabs on you, but it's "stifling" for you to have access to his stuff. And he recently withdrew a lot of money from his bank account?

You don't trust him. You have every right not to. And that's no limit on making decisions. It's not the case that you stayed for 6 years so he's done his time, you can end the marriage tomorrow because of that infidelity if you want to.