To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

If BF mums are continued to be treated as 'gloating' and 'smug' then BF rates will dip. By posting about it .. at least you are normalising it.

If BF mums feel they can't share their positive experiences and pride than there will be no positive experiences for new mums to draw upon. I heard so much as a new mum about how hard BF was and how few women 'succeed'. I did choose to BF and I am pleased with how well it has gone and I suppose I am proud because I do think there is a level of commitment required... my personal space, diet and ability to leave the house for any amount of time without my baby have all been affected... but I still feel uncomfortable saying that I'm proud outside of my immediate circle of family because I know it will likely upset/offend others.

I think FF mums are just as wonderful as BF mums... some mums tried and experienced pain, tongue ties, low milk supply, some felt touched out and some just didn't want to. I think they are doing what is best for them and their babies. I admire the organisation, time and prep needed for FF. And I admire that so many of those mums had to sacrifice what their ideal feeding journey might have initially been to ensure their baby got the nourishment they needed. I also admire that some mums simply were not comfortable with BF for whatever reason and choose confidently to FF.

Funnily enough in my experience, and I know this is not a universal experience, FF mums often talk more openly about feeding... 'fed is best'. I am in a circle of friends where I am the only one left EBF and I actually feel less able to share my experiences because I am so worried about being perceived as judgy simply because I am still BF and some might think that I look down my nose at formula. It's a shame... as I said, I feel for new mums there is a lack of women who feel comfortable to step forward and share their positive BF experiences. Therefore FF becomes the norm rather the positives and negatives of each being shared in a balanced way.

Really don't understand people who post pics of themselves breastfeeding this to me is boasty

I dunno, I suffer through a lot of gym bro photos and while it gets old, one should be proud of their achievements, however small and mundane.

I mean, I am not the type that posts pics but plenty of people who do

OP let it go and find another group. People are weirdly defensive when they or their baby can't learn this particular skill and it does have to be learned and it's not easy for either.

If you had said you had nailed the mixed feeding after a very bumpy start people probably wouldn't have pushed their issues on you. Which is all what they did. It wasn't about you. Mother's get squished especially by other mother's. It's a weird time babyhood.

@Thisismytimetoshine

Hope about say something nice or don't bother posting? A few congratulations, a few people sharing their experiences, someone saying oh great, I'll try them. Honestly anyone who sees someone saying "I'm proud I've stick to do this" as a personal insult, need to deal with their issues Personal insult?! I don't see it as an insult (), just ridiculously boastful and needy.

I meant the people posting on ops FB thread who have clearly taken HER achievement as a personal dig ie big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

"YANBU- It's like telling an athlete they can't celebrate their medal because people without legs will be made to feel not good enough."
Sorry, not the same at all. That's like saying those that dont breastfeed dont have the right parts or are disabled in some way.

@squidgebum

In your eyes, you are a better mother than me because you bf and I didnt

I absolutely do not. That is what you are reading in because of your own insecurity with your outcome.

My post is nothing to do with you. It's about what I achieved for me that I wouldn't have if I hadn't put my all into it. In other ways it may have made me a less good mother. I was exhausted for much of the early weeks of my daughter's life because I had to wake every 20 mins or so to feed her; I cried a lot because I was in pain from her bad latch. I dragged us out of our nest before I would have liked to to get to bf groups and to see a counsellor; I had her tongue tie snipped in hospital because I thought that would help us feed (it didn't and putting her through that was and remains one of my biggest guilts and regrets as a parent). She also turned out to have CMPA, which I think would have been a lot more obvious if I had put her on formula and would therefore have been resolved a lot sooner. So no, bf has not made me a 'better mother'. I am under no illusions about that.

But, especially after the medicalised and traumatic birth we had (the total opposite of what I had hoped for for us) bf meant a lot to me. It was so important to me to be able to have that connection with her, because that was what we as a dyad needed to bond.

After my birth I felt like she wasn't mine/like I didn't deserve her (this was in my head and about me, before anyone jumps down my throat for dissing those who choose or end up with medicalised births). If I hadn't been able to bf I know without a doubt I would have had extreme PND. And that would not have been my fault; but it would have inhibited my ability to look after my child. It could have spiralled out of my control for years.

Instead I was lucky enough to be supported to achieve my bf goal, feeding settled in after 6 mths or so, and I fed her until she was 2.5 yo. And took my fair share of stick for that once she was over 1, when people instantly start treating you like a deviant for feeding even though the WHO recommend it until 2 and beyond.

This is just the problem. People are unable to just see their own journey, and then see others' journeys as something completely different. The urge to compare and rank is so strong, and the defensiveness follows.

I am a good enough mother who happened to bf. That is good enough for me. I do not for a second believe it makes me a better mother than other mothers. But it did make ME a better mother than I would have been otherwise. If you can't understand the distinction that is on you, not on me.

Feed your kid how you like. I don't care.

I will not hand over to others the power of 'allowing' me to feel either proud or ashamed of any parenting decision I make. WOHM -v- SAHM, breast -v- bottle are treadmills to nowhere. There's nothing constructive to be gained out of any such debate.

Someone is always waiting on the sidelines to tell you your parenting choices are 'wrong' (largely because if you've made different decisions to theirs it's taken as a personal affront). I suspect if this constant interference and judgement were to cease, the low UK breastfeeding rate would probably go up. I never fed conspicuously but I did so in public and without hiding behind shawls or in toilets, and I never experienced so much as a cross-look.

People are far too concerned with what other people think of them. Don't be.

Really don't understand people who post pics of themselves breastfeeding this to me is boasty

Why is it boasty? If you believe it to be so, that's your issue to be honest.

I breastfed but tbh it wasn't the magical experiwnce i hoped for...tbh it was pretty awful at times. Am i proud? No....i am a bit annoyed that feeding baby is a stick with which to beat women with.

Breast is potentially better if you take supplements" doesn't have quite the same ring

If people had a good diet in the first place then the need for supplements wouldn't be so great. And weaning at 6 months rather than 4 obviously leaves a gap than needs to be filled with iron supplements. Breast milk does have other benefits too, so sometimes that compromise is worth it. But people make their own choices what they want to do. It's best to have all the facts though, rather than just some of them from one perspective only.

@Givemlala my opinion not my issue

@TheatreJunkie84 I suppose you could have just posted a ‘review’ type thing saying this group were an invaluable support to me in helping me establish breast feeding when I was experiencing issues’ rather than a look at me feeding isn’t it great. I suppose you need to think about what you wanted from it - was it really to say how good the group were or was it to get praised for your decisions in which case a general baby group with a diverse range of mothers was probably not the correct audience and likely led to upset for other mothers.

YANBU The fact other people see posts like yours and think it is any reflection on them and their life is not your problem, it is theirs. Yes they may have had a struggle, as you did, but that does not mean they get to dictate what breastfeeding mums can talk about, or where and when. It is really ridiculous to suggest you shouldn't have posted it. Its a form of manipulation I find really distasteful and far too many women do it. We need to support each other in good times and bad, and cheer each other on rather than make everyone else's choices, trumps or failures about ourselves. Its self absorbed childish behaviour. Well done to you, it isn't always easy, or even possible, so when it happens we have every reason to feel good about it and seek support and share our stories with other women. The best advice I can give now mine are adults is, try not to take onboard other peoples insecurities or pay attention to their nastiness, it happens a lot when you are a parent and its good to get a thick skin to it early!

It is an issue because you're assuming something about the person posting, no wonder BFing rates are dire in this country, you cannot talk about it without being boasty, smug, apparently insinuating that FFing mums are shit.

Damn straight you should be proud. Its hard, it has required huge personal sacrifice & perseverance on your part so yep, go right ahead and be proud. And there people who don't want you to do that publicly, they've got their own issues and that is not your problem.

I had loads of issues. Very tiny tiny P
Prem baby, several weeks of NICU, PICU and HDU her first winter, including feeding tubes etc. Tongue tie, struggling getting off shields, bad reflux. I fed her myself to nearly 6m and pumped exclusively another 6.

Yes I'm bloody proud and I will NOT let anyone from the anti-bf brigade take that away from me. Most of the people who have an issue with me, nope, they did not persevere like I did, I don't give two shits about that or how they fed their baby, so if they have a hang up, its THEIR hang up.

likely led to upset for other mothers <

But why? Just because someone is upset does not mean the post was wrong. It is a form of emotional manipulation.

I think considering how many women struggle with breast feeding, it is an achievement and there's nothing wrong with being proud!

I formula fed by choice and have no negative feelings about doing so.

@AlviesMam

Really don't understand people who post pics of themselves breastfeeding this to me is boasty. Fair enough positing in a relevant group your achievement and thanking people for their support, but people who post pictures on social media to me is just a step too far. I'm currently pregnant and not sure how I want to feed yet I don't think either is better than the other just what works for the individual, but I am very against flaunting this all over social media it's so cringe

But surely this goes for everything. Really don't understand people who post pics of themselves

• breastfeeding
• having children
• at the zoo / museum / pub etc
• on nights out
• celebrating their 100th birthday
• getting the all clear from cancer
• celebrating weight loss
• completing a marathon
• volunteering in an orphanage in Ethiopia
• raising £1m for charity
• solo circumnavigating the globe by foot and boat

this to me is boasty.

no wonder BFing rates are dire in this country, you cannot talk about it without being boasty, smug, apparently insinuating that FFing mums are shit

No one says a proud uni graduate is making a successful plumber feel like shit.

Some women don't like to lift other women up, they like to tear them down.

Your success isn't their failure like other pp said, and any rational woman would be able to support you and your feeding choices, and share your pride even if they weren't able to do the same themselves.

Unfortunately many women postpartum aren't rational. That's their problem entirely, but when you put them all together on a forum or website they start an echo chamber.

Personally I think the only way to normalise breastfeeding is if more people post pictures and success stories. Not every one who reads will be so sour.

Life is like this. My fertility isn't someone else's infertility, that doesn't mean I couldn't be ecstatic that I was pregnant.

My career success isn't someone else's career failure. That doesn't mean I can't be vocally proud of the graft I'd put in to get to where I want to be.

Someone else's financial success isn't my financial downfall, but that doesn't mean I have the right to be offended if my neighbour hit the jackpot, and I was still on my average salary.

Unfortunately the people who do make it an issue refuse to see the issue is them, and will blame every one else for their feelings, instead of trying to validate themselves.

I'm currently pregnant <

Have you told anyone or posted a picture? I hope not because that is boasty.

@AlviesMam

Really don't understand people who post pics of themselves breastfeeding this to me is boasty. Fair enough positing in a relevant group your achievement and thanking people for their support, but people who post pictures on social media to me is just a step too far. I'm currently pregnant and not sure how I want to feed yet I don't think either is better than the other just what works for the individual, but I am very against flaunting this all over social media it's so cringe

But I see pictures or babies being bottle fed (maybe expressed or formula) ALL the time on social media.

So is that boasty too? You're as bad as those who side eye mums for daring to breastfeed in public places. BF is completely NATURAL... women's bodies are MEANT to do it. God forbid you EVER put up a picture of yourself or others enjoying an icecream or out for a meal in social media.

And what exactly about feeding your baby is 'flaunting'? This is an awful choice of word and shame on you for making mums feel that they should hide their feeding choices... whatever they may be. YOU are cringe.

@Workerbee80

You should be proud of yourself. There's so much negativity about breast-feeding usually from woman who didn't breast-feed themselves, many seem to have a real complex about it and are usually the ones shouting "fed is best".

Right so as I mentioned previously in this thread my child WOULD NOT latch, so yeah in our case fed is best. Would you rather I kept persevering at breastfeeding when I’d been told by specialists to stop? I think those that didn’t struggle have absolutely no idea just how hard it is and make us feel like shit. I FORMULA FEED AND I AM PROUD TO DO SO

There is often an element of defensiveness amongst those who FF for whatever reason. I EBF for 6 months but couldn’t care less what other mums do, and never mention I bf unless asked as I don’t think it’s anyone’s business - ‘fed is best,’ as the saying goes.

Women shouldn’t tear each other down over their feeding choices, and you did nothing wrong, but I’d say your post would have been better received on an exclusively bf group.

I'm proud because to some women it isn't a 'basic human function' It's something I managed to do after months of pain, sleepless nights, peer support and counselling. Nothing about it was 'basic'

I understand - I had different issues with first two babies - actually second was worse and had to be very pro active when I felt like crap to find help and fully aware how lucky I was to find any. Third was a dream no issues at all.

Yet I was surround by people who were vocally embarrassed or disapproving of my choice to BF while frequently claiming to be supportive about it to others - that included family and HCP.

I only had DH on side and he was a bit didn't see what the big deal was really.

So well done.

I am glad I did it even though it was decade ago now and despite one of mine developing astham which to some in my family means it was all not worth it and wasn't I to silly to bother .

Incidentally I've never cared what choices other people made about feeding or weaning or made judgements- but I was proud of myself for managing to bf depite so many obstacles so I do get the pride bit.