To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

@Isadora2007

Yanbu But some people can’t handle their own Negative emotions about their own experiences and so will project them on to You as a result. It speaks volumes about them and is not about you. Some people don’t struggle to maintain a healthy BMI and have normal relationships with food. Others struggle a lot and for them losing weight is a battle they will feel strong to have overcome- and we see many people “celebrate” being slimmer etc. This might trigger some fat people to feel inferior or jealous or rubbish as they’re still overweight or have failed at dieting or have some medical issues keeping them overweight. They might get defensive and nasty rather than be able to be pleased for you. Breastfeeding IS an achievement as it means you’re the one doing it all and there is a relentlessness to it that FF just doesn’t have. I’ve yet to meet anyone FFing who hasn’t ever had someone else give their baby a bottle. Which is fair enough- but then can’t be equated to BFing. And it’s not just a delivery of milk either- BFing is like a form of communication and becomes a relationship for many BFing mums and babies. Yes some may just feed to schedule and keep it as just delivering milk but IME it’s far more for most BFing mums and other people just don’t get it and feel threatened. Don’t know why 🤷🏻‍♀️But it’s always about their own issues.

No, we do get it. It's posts like yours about how special BF is that put FF mums on the defensive. It's rammed down every pregnant/ new mum's throat that BF is best and special. Everyone is aware of this. When it's difficult, however, there is no support available unless you're able to go private. So for a lot of mums it feels like they've been set up to fail: you have to do this, but don't expect to get any help. Oh, now you've failed?

I agree that it was extremely unfair that the OP was slated for being proud for persevering, people should have congratulated her or not commented. I congratulate mums who manage to EBF for their efforts. However, your post literally says the kind of thing that gets people's backs up. My son is almost 2 and I wish I was still breastfeeding him. I stuck with it for 10 weeks and had one (yes, one) feed that wasn't painful in that time. I gave up when the paediatrician got involved and told me to FF. I just feel bloody fortunate that safe formula is available. He'd have been dead or malnourished otherwise. So please jog on with your "FF mums don't understand us"

A lot of people talk about being proud of having children. Even though such comments are unlikely to be intended as any sort of a dig, they can feel like a real kick in the teeth to childless/infertile women.

When it's difficult, however, there is no support available unless you're able to go private.

This is not entirely true. There are huge variations in support depending on postcode and yes some people have very poor experiences with NHS breastfeeding support services, but some are brilliant.

Spreading this message is giving women an overly negative understanding of support available to them and what it can achieve. Women should be encouraged to seek out and plan post natal breastfeeding support when pregnant.

YANBU! I’m 24 and have been breastfeeding dd for two years next month. I never expected or planned on breastfeeding past six months but it’s going great so why stop? I constantly get faces of disgust when I say I’m still feeding her - I don’t bring it up but am honest when asked - I often get told I’m ‘lucky’ I could breastfeed which I feel massively undermines my determination and perseverance! I am proud of myself, I don’t have lots of support from friends and being a young mum I think most people expected me to give up at the first hurdle. Ive never posted about it on a public forum but I’ve often wanted to, mainly because I want to put people straight on the fact I wasn’t just ‘lucky’ I worked bloody hard and I deserve to be proud of myself.
The UK has one of the lowest breastfeeding rates in the world, but it’s not really a big surprise when instead of supporting women who want to breastfeed other mother’s put them down.

@SnuggyBuggy

Breastmilk in of itself is better than formula.

How is this a helpful comment to anyone? You're absolutely right, but I think you'd struggle to find anyone who didn't know this. I also think you'll find that formula is a heck of a lot better than a dehydrated/ malnourished/ dead baby.

Good on you for sticking with your plan @TheatreJunkie84 I imagine it would have been really hard to overcome some of the things you mentioned. I’m an happy for you and wish you all the very best on the journey.

My DD is formula fed because I have PCOS so no supply. Not a shock so we pretty much knew we would be formula feeding. I wanted to try breastfeeding but nature said no. It doesn’t make me unhappy to see other people enjoying their booby success and certainly doesn’t make me feel like a failure!
Until we can all stop tearing each other down and not take things so personally, this topic will always be a sh*it fight.

People who get upset by someone being proud of themselves for overcoming difficulties and making a post to thank the people who have helped them seriously need to calm down just a little bit. It sucks that you couldn’t when you wanted to for sure. Is it the end of the world... hardly! How about be there to support those who have gone through the same as you and help to support those who are lucky enough to be able to do it?
No point dragging them down just because you couldn’t!
I wanted to be a doctor but turns out, I didn’t achieve the grades. Now I’m a paramedic but my little sister is due to graduate uni next year... she will be a doctor. Do I tear her down or make her down play her success because I couldn’t do it? No way! I cheer her on, support her and tell her how proud I am of her.
Same thing I will do to anyone parent. No matter how their baby is fed.

@PrincessBuggerPants

When it's difficult, however, there is no support available unless you're able to go private.

This is not entirely true. There are huge variations in support depending on postcode and yes some people have very poor experiences with NHS breastfeeding support services, but some are brilliant.

Spreading this message is giving women an overly negative understanding of support available to them and what it can achieve. Women should be encouraged to seek out and plan post natal breastfeeding support when pregnant.

It was my experience that there was next to nothing available. I could've just pressed my boob into my sleeping baby's face and the midwives would've been happy. The HV showed me how to latch him but it was still painful, nothing else she could suggest. He had his tongue tie divided but it made no difference, nothing else that mw could suggest. The private consultant also said I was doing it right. But he wasn't growing, and the support then was being told to FF, by a paediatrician. I don't find that very supportive. I am not spreading any message, I think I'm reflecting what a lot of women have experienced. In the same way that I could be said to be wrong as there is support available sometimes, I could say there was no expert support available to me on the NHS. We're both right, but lack of support is often given as the main reason for stopping ebf. The thing that really made me doubt I'd manage even before he was born was the constant emphasis on how few women bf in the UK and how there's no reason for it. IME, there is.

@Letmegetthisrightasawoman there has already been a poster on this thread stating that formula is better than breastmilk.

It is often cited that insufficient support is the reason a lot of women stop bf before they are ready and therefore there are low rates.

A lot of women talk about how BF is forced upon them but that doesn’t appear to be common in my local area. My midwives never discussed it with me. I’ve had friends ask me about breastfeeding because it hasn’t been covered that well in their antenatal appointments and their midwives won’t offer an opinion. My SIL had no idea breast milk offered protection against infections let alone the other health benefits (and she is a mother). No one had told her 🤷🏼‍♀️

Comments such as this:
It's rammed down every pregnant/ new mum's throat that BF is best and special. Everyone is aware of this.

There must be such a difference depending on which particular midwife you get let alone which hospital trust.

I think the problem is that while breastfeeding is great and definitely something you can / should be proud of as a personal achievement, it can be a sore point to point out how well you’ve done on a forum which isn’t specifically for pro-breastfeeding stories. So many women end up formula feeding because despite their best efforts they struggled with breastfeeding to the point where it wasn’t possible for them anymore. So saying ‘I’m so proud I persevered’ or similar can appear to imply ‘unlike the mothers who gave up and now formula feed’. It’s not your intention, but it can seem that way.

There are lots of online forums which are specifically pro breastfeeding so I would try to stick to those for sharing your story. That way you know the audience is definitely there for it.

BFing is like a form of communication and becomes a relationship for many BFing mums and babies. Yes some may just feed to schedule and keep it as just delivering milk but IME it’s far more for most BFing mums and other people just don’t get it and feel threatened. Don’t know why 🤷🏻‍♀️But it’s always about their own issues.

This is a great example of a really hurtful and unhelpful post. What FFing mum wants to hear that she’s missing out on a special form of communication and relationship with her baby because she’s ‘just’ feeding them instead? It’s so cruel and judgmental. There are so many forums where you could express this view to women who are breastfeeding and that’s fine, but to post it where a formula feeding mum might see it and be left feeling inadequate and miserable is just cruel.

Going on about the relationship with bf mums and their babies is incorrect. The bonding relationship is no different in bf and ff cases.

Well done
Breastfeeding isnt better, it is normal. Breastmilk is made for babies. It is called white blood for a reason. It is a living substance full of antibodies and hormones for our children. Formula is reconstitited cows milk made so babies can digest it
Whilst you have given baby human milk which is and should be the norm, whilst others for their own reasons choose formula, does not undermine the absolute dedication and effort it takes to breastfeed for 3 months. It is absolutely something to be proud of. It does not mean those who FF should not be proud. It sounds like they are projecting some guilt onto your post.
Post all you like
Well done

Well done OP, if you're happy with your breastfeeding choices and your baby is happy and healthy that's wonderful! Breastfeeding isn't easy for anyone everyone so well done for persevering. May your journey continue as long as you want it to!

Wouldn't it be great if everyone could be supportive of each other, rather than shoot them down.

I don't understand why some women feel the need to get defensive and have a go at breastfeeding mothers. I breastfed mine and couldn't care less what others thought of my choices. I also have no interest in other parents feeding choices.

I hate 'breast is best' AND the counter argument 'fed is best'.

Fed isn't best. Fed is absolute minimum human requirement. Breast feeding is biologically normal. If someone chooses to formula feed that's ok, but scientifically it's not 'best'. There doesn't need to be a competition.

Not unreasonable at all. What is wrong with being proud of something you personally wanted to accomplish and is important to you? You’d be allowed to be proud of nearly anything else on SM - baby sleeping through, weaning going well, in their own room etc etc so why not this?
I’m proud I breastfed my son for nearly 2 years. Damn proud, actually.

Of course you can be proud of bf but you can be equally proud of ff - neither mean you are a better parent. We are very lucky to have a choice both of which give an excellent start in life

My DC are now 17 and 15 and I'm proud of a lot of things but bf doesn't even register, although I did it successfully twice for several months. I'm proud I knew when it was time to call it a day though, and I actually think I was a better parent and more 'bonded' when I switched to ff because we all got a lot more sleep!

You decided to persevere - that's your choice but you aren't going to get a medal for it. I have equal respect for someone who decided to give baby a happy mum that formula feeds rather than one that's miserably continuing to breastfeed. You posted in a way that made you look as though you were trying to be superior. Think about it next time

As you’re in AIBU, I’ll be honest. I think it’s a personal success for you and not really something that other mums will feel any need to congratulate or applaud you for. The fact that some did is nice of them. However, posting about it is going to result in a disinterested shrug and no reply from the majority of people OR, as you unfortunately discovered, irritation that you are so publicly proud of something that they find hard. It’s not personal and you did nothing wrong except maybe not quite think about who exactly you were expecting to respond.

Ps I know you were trying to encourage others btw, but it doesn’t look like some of them felt that way, unfortunately

I don't think that it's that other mothers can't BF and so are upset by BF mothers talking about it - I think it's the smugness of some BF mothers that comes across as though they think they are better parents because of their dedication and perseverance - see Jane's comment a few posts ago. It's not I chose to BF - so what - it's the "I have persevered and when other lesser mortals gave up I continued because I am a far better mother". Being a good Mum is a lot more than a few months of boob or bottle - in ten years time no one will know how your baby was fed.

Well done getting through all that OP- I would feel proud too. Try not to worry about other people's reactions to your post on the baby group, or to dwell on it generally. As pp have said, parenting stuff gets mired in angst and projected feelings, and more so on a baby forum where people are often sleep deprived and a bit tetchy. I remember getting really pissed off about stuff on a Facebook baby group that I wouldn't think twice about now I'm through that time of life.

How did you get that from Janes post?!

Yanbu, but years ago we just got on and did it. No need to share or receive praise or criticism of What we do.

Why should we have to pretend that breastmilk and formula are the same? It's not passing judgement on any individuals situation to talk about the benefits of breastmilk.

If we could manufacture human breastmilk in the same way we manufacture human insulin we'd obviously be using that instead of formula.

No one is saying its better not to feed babies at all. Formula isn't bad it just doesn't have everything breastmilk has.