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Original poster

To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

999 replies

TheatreJunkie84 · 25/08/2020 10:32

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

OP posts:
MrsMcTats · 25/08/2020 18:40

@Givemlala of course it's not the act of the baby feeding in the photo that's a bit much, it's the fact the OP was so blind to the reaction she might get to such a post, that she chose to hammer home her message by including a picture as well. If all she wanted to do was to help fellow mums and not boast, a simple line of information and a link was all that was needed.

supaloops · 25/08/2020 18:53

Well done OP. You should be proud of yourself for achieving something that was important to you, and for overcoming the hurdles. I also had an awful time with both of mine, and I am SO proud of myself for persevering through so much pain, for something that I felt was the right thing for me and my family. I wanted to sing it from the rooftops (I didn't) and I also am saddened that I feel I cannot share this achievement, due to the things you have sadly experienced. I think it's such an emotive topic, and one that people can get very defensive about. I do find it sad. Well done you 👏

Wolfgirrl · 25/08/2020 18:53

@unmarkedbythat

The thing is, neither op nor anyone else asked others to be proud for them.

Why post it on a public group then?

Wolfgirrl · 25/08/2020 18:56

Just curious, but for those saying bf rates are 'tragically low' in this country, what rate would you deem acceptable to indicate that everyone has made an informed choice and is receiving help to follow the feeding path they chose?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/08/2020 18:59

I think there's a very fine line between pride and boasting. And unfortunately breastfeeding is such an emotive issue that proud posts can be construed as boasting or veiled jibes at anyone who couldn't/wouldn't/didn't.

There's also the very real lack of real life support immediately after birth for women in the UK; when I had DS1 we stayed in hospital for 4 days. My Midwife was an incredible woman who came in day after day to help me learn to position him correctly, how to look for the right latch, how to eat and drink and she even took him to sit by her desk in his little trolley when I needed sleep. That's what women need. They don't need to see other women's lovely breastfeeding photos (and they are lovely - when it's working, breastfeeding is truly a gorgeous thing). They need actual, physical, practical support that revolves around their needs and their recovery. Without that, all the congratulatory selfies in the world won't improve breastfeeding rates.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/08/2020 19:01

And when I say help after giving birth, I don't just mean the women who breastfeed. I mean every woman who gives birth. No judgement, no limited support for bottle feeders, just greater support, greater recovery time and greater effort put in to help women recover from labour before we chuck them back into their usual routines.

MangoFeverDream · 25/08/2020 19:03

Just curious, but for those saying bf rates are 'tragically low' in this country, what rate would you deem acceptable

I don’t have a good answer for this, but the UK (and Ireland for that matter) is actually markedly low compared to other industrialised countries, which kind of invites this conversation.

Wfhwith3yearold · 25/08/2020 19:04

I hate all the breast is best v fed is best nonsense out there.

Informed is what is best, however you choose to feed. Making sure support is there for those who choose to breastfeed or formula feed. I have seen posts here where health visitors have refused to give advice to mums who are struggling to breastfeed when they have asked for help with formula feeding. The pressure to breastfeed is so high it can be detrimental to the mothers.

Why can't we just help and support each other? Why do we need to turn everything into a competition?

Twizbe · 25/08/2020 19:04

@Wolfgirrl

Just curious, but for those saying bf rates are 'tragically low' in this country, what rate would you deem acceptable to indicate that everyone has made an informed choice and is receiving help to follow the feeding path they chose?
I think it comes from the comparison between the proportion of women who want to breastfeed before birth and how many are doing so at 1,3 and 6 months. It's also looking at how many of those who stop self report as regretting that decision or feel they could have continued with better support
Babs709 · 25/08/2020 19:10

Just curious, but for those saying bf rates are 'tragically low' in this country, what rate would you deem acceptable to indicate that everyone has made an informed choice and is receiving help to follow the feeding path they chose?

Hello. I said breastfeeding rates were low (15:36) albeit didn’t use the word “tragically”.

You raise an interesting question. I think some research suggested somewhere between 2-5% of women couldn’t physically breastfeed, but I don’t think we should ignore women who either don’t want to or where it can’t logistically work for them. I suppose I would like to see us benchmark with other western countries? This information suggests around 25% of babies in the UK are breastfed at 6 months whereas the number is 45% for USA, just as an example.

mumtobabygilrl · 25/08/2020 19:11

You should be proud! Well done - it's not always an easy journey. And I hear what you are saying. I BF my DD for 15 months it wasn't always easy and I'm really proud of myself for how long we managed. All of my close friends formula fed (their choice and that's ok) but I almost feel unable to ever mention breastfeeding when with the. I'm not preaching and never would but they make me feel like I am and its hurtful

Be proud - fed is best - but formula feeding shouldn't make BF mums feel shit for choosing that option in the same way I wouldn't judge a mum for formula feeding. I feel this silence we almost have to take part in now through fear of upsetting and it's a real shame

Babs709 · 25/08/2020 19:12

I think it comes from the comparison between the proportion of women who want to breastfeed before birth and how many are doing so at 1,3 and 6 months. It's also looking at how many of those who stop self report as regretting that decision or feel they could have continued with better support

I agree with this. Some research suggests that figure could be as high as 80%.

bmcpregnancychildbirth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12884-015-0581-5

Babs709 · 25/08/2020 19:13

You raise an interesting question. I think some research suggested somewhere between 2-5% of women couldn’t physically breastfeed, but I don’t think we should ignore women who either don’t want to or where it can’t logistically work for them. I suppose I would like to see us benchmark with other western countries? This information suggests around 25% of babies in the UK are breastfed at 6 months whereas the number is 45% for USA, just as an example.

Sorry I didn’t include link...

kellymom.com/fun/trivia/bf-rates-2004/

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 25/08/2020 19:17

I'm proud of having breastfed my two, but I could not give the tiniest fuck what others do, as long as the baby is fed and loved...

isadoradancing123 · 25/08/2020 19:20

I am proud to formula feed my baby, wow, So what

Somethingsnappy · 25/08/2020 19:22

@Wolfgirrl

Just curious, but for those saying bf rates are 'tragically low' in this country, what rate would you deem acceptable to indicate that everyone has made an informed choice and is receiving help to follow the feeding path they chose?
Anything up to about 80% as this is the percentage of women who initiate breastfeeding in this country. The percentage drops rapidly by 3 months and even more so by 6 months. But the initiation rate reflects the number of women who set out wanting to breastfeed. Of course, plenty of women will make an informed decision to stop shortly after initiation and be happy with their decision, but many will stop simply through difficulties and/or lack of support.
LuaDipa · 25/08/2020 19:23

I think you have done really well op. The best piece of advice I ever received is that someone else success does not have to
equal your failure. There is enough to go around and we should celebrate every one. Their reactions unfortunately say more about them than you. You have done great and have every right to be proud.

funinthesun19 · 25/08/2020 19:24

What a nasty group of bitches.

I formula fed three of my children and breast fed one. When I formula fed, I never once thought I was doing anything wrong or that I was inadequate as a mother. These mums need to get a bloody grip and stop being so defensive like everything to do with feeding is an attack on them Hmm It’s so tedious. If you were saying you were better than them because you breastfeed then yes they would grounds to have a go but this wasn’t the case! How irritating. And I say this as mum who has formula fed 3 babies.
Nobody is taking anything away from them and their feeding journey so they need to pipe down and be happy for others when they feed happy and positive.

funinthesun19 · 25/08/2020 19:25

*feel happy and positive

InFiveMins · 25/08/2020 19:25

Why would you be 'proud' of breastfeeding? Confused Your post comes across as though you expect a gold star for being able to breastfeed...bizarre.

Babs709 · 25/08/2020 19:30

Why would you be 'proud' of breastfeeding?
Did you read the original post? And all the issues she’s overcome to keep going?

Proud: “feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one's own achievements”

She feels deep pleasure and satisfaction because she feels that overcoming the obstacles to breastfeed an achievement”. HTH?

sqirrelfriends · 25/08/2020 19:38

They're horrible OP, ignore them. It's a lot to overcome and you should feel proud.

I do feel it's a sore subject for a lot of people, in real life I just pretend to be unaware of any differences between breastmilk and formula. No risk of offending anyone that way.

Mollycat88 · 25/08/2020 19:40

Hi OP,
I felt compelled to join mumsnet so I could reply to this.
YOU have done absolutely nothing wrong by saying thank you and revelling in the knowledge that you persevered and succeeded with breastfeeding. Those who have an issue with it have a concern themselves which although sad isn’t your fault. You clearly haven’t done anything wrong and I for one think the more people talk about the difficulties faced with breastfeeding may actually help with those who go into it thinking it’s going to be easy and wonder why it’s so hard.
I’m with you 100% and well done you and great job on combo feeding too. Fuck the haters, you only have one life and you have every right to be proud 😘😘😘

PrincessBuggerPants · 25/08/2020 19:40

I think it comes from the comparison between the proportion of women who want to breastfeed before birth and how many are doing so at 1,3 and 6 months. It's also looking at how many of those who stop self report as regretting that decision or feel they could have continued with better support

I really agree with this. I think the obsession with breast vs formula is nothing short of a moral panic, and we need to consider focusing on changing the rates of women breastfeeding for as long as they want to, to make real, radical improvements to the attitude we have towards breastfeeding babies and women's bodies.

Many women end up formula feeding because they fell for the false binary presented prenatally that you will either breastfeed or formula feed. Breastfeeding not going well? Give them a bottle instead, the narrative goes.

As the OP has demonstrated it is entirely possible in many cases to preserve breastfeeding while mix feeding, with the right education and support. I did.

Mollycat88 · 25/08/2020 19:44

@InFiveMins

Why would you be 'proud' of breastfeeding? Confused Your post comes across as though you expect a gold star for being able to breastfeed...bizarre.
Nothing wrong with feeling proud of ones achievements and certainly nothing wrong with other women supporting that feeling. What’s your issue with it?