To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

Well, to fuck with that noise. Men don't get shot down for showing pride in what they do, for owning decisions they make, for plain-speaking, or for not offering a ready-made support system on no other basis than the fact they're also men. Women tend to take on the emotional labour, and this is why you don't hear fathers giving a sun-blushed crap who works, who stays at home, and where and what other families feed their kids. And in the meantime, medical services and support for things like infertility, BF, etc., are woefully underfunded and seriously inadequate. (Would that be anything to do with the fact that they're geared toward women)?

This really resonates with a discussion I was having with my husband the other day about a different matter but one that women on here have been talking a LOT about (no prizes for guessing)

He said, “The thing is Olympic, men probably get accused of being ‘phobic’ or bigots or whatever on line and by groups of people. Probably about lots of different topics. Do you know what the only difference between men and women is? Men just don’t give a shit.”

@unmarkedbythat Except in the thread title OP asked 'Is breastfeeding not something to be proud of anymore?'
Why would you post on a wide-reaching, public group about how proud you are, unless you want others to congratulate you for it?
What would be the other reasons for posting?

[quote MrsMcTats]@Vivi0 All the issues I had meant I was missing the newborn days because everything became about breastfeeding. By moving onto formula I could finally enjoy being a mum. Other women are able to battle through and come out the other side. I didn't say they don't enjoy their babies at the same time. We all have different stress, patience and pain thresholds.[/quote]
THIS. And the other comment which got slated about being a breastfeeding martyr and wanting a medal.

I really wanted to breastfeed and tried everything. But I didn't want it to take over my life (which it seemed to be doing). It does sometimes feel like many people see breastfeeding as the goal in itself rather than just a happy mother and baby (expect that viewpoint to be denied and slated).

OP, congratulations on getting to three months. Don't be frightened off, and keep telling people what you're doing. I breastfed dd for four years three months, she grew up and breastfed her own dd for four years nine months. Maybe dgd will breastfeed her own baby - one day - for five years, if it suits her. Ignore the people who object or sneer, you are doing a good thing and have every right to be proud.

I'm formula feeding and if I'd seen that post I wouldn't have felt anything other than happy for you. Not because you are BFeeding but because you'd stuck at something you wanted to do, something that was really difficult for you and you'd got there in the end. There is certainly a lot of negativity out there about formula feeding (I've had a lot of negative comments from relatives...elderly male relatives no less!) so these women are probably lashing out because they feel inadequate and that's not your problem.

[quote TinkersTailor]@unmarkedbythat Except in the thread title OP asked 'Is breastfeeding not something to be proud of anymore?'
Why would you post on a wide-reaching, public group about how proud you are, unless you want others to congratulate you for it?
What would be the other reasons for posting?
[/quote]
Uh, to find out whether other people thought breastfeeding was something to be proud of? To find out whether people here agreed that she was in the wrong and deserved the abuse that came her way?

Do you honestly think she posted here, on fucking AIBU on Mumsnet, hoping to get congratulations? Really?

Personally it seems like a weird thing to be proud about. Breastfeeding is the most natural and normal thing in the world we're told, so why make a big fanfare and start awarding yourself 'diamond boob' medals? It's what mammals do.

@TheSoapyFrog - why award medals for anything, come to that? We all just do what we do. Why fawn over someone who can run a bit faster than others, either? Or in fact, why be nice to anybody or proud of anyone for anything? We’re all just mammals doing mammaly things.

I'm really sad to see how many people wasted their precious newborn months in the grip of breastfeeding obsession. It reads like being able to lift the breastfeeding 'trophy' was more important than enjoying their new baby & making sure they were full and contented

I've known two mums do this - and their babies went hungry multiple times because of the desire to lift the breast feeding trophy, too.

That's why I take a rather dim view of motherhood - for quite a few it's about appearing to be 'the best mum', rather than actually being a good one.

You're damned if you breast feed
You're damned if you don't
You're dammed if you're proud of what you did
And if you breastfeed beyond a year you're a hippie
And if you're breast feed at 19 months (like me) you're labelled a certified lunatic

You do you

That's why I take a rather dim view of motherhood - for quite a few it's about appearing to be 'the best mum', rather than actually being a good one.<

that's such a strange combative thing to say on a parenting support forum. Did you have a poor relationship with your mother by any chance?

@whereorwhere again with the belittling of people's struggles. I'm happy you found it easy but please don't bring your 'whoop-di-doo' attitude anywhere near my posts.

@unmarkedbythat thank you. I've been on Mumsnet long enough to know you're not likely to find universally kind words on a controversial post

that's such a strange combative thing to say on a parenting support forum. Did you have a poor relationship with your mother by any chance?

Not particularly. I've just seen motherhood turn a lot of my friends from nice people into people who are kind of knobheads.

Congrats OP and be proud of what you did.
Yes breastfeeding isn't 'exceptional" but it's still something to be proud of. Indeed many women are proud of just being a mother, having given birth, their child's achievements etc. Many people are proud of doing a job they value, of having a relationship they're happy with, of sporting achievements etc. We're all proud of many small things and we should be!
I've breastfed my first 3 children for 5 yrs each (well still going for my 3yrs old). I'm proud of that though it's not what I consider a major achievement by any stretch but I'm happy and yes proud. My 4th child was born recently with some serious issues so unfortunately I am not able to breastfeed her but I've not given up trying at some point in the future and I am proud that I am expressing milk for her in the meanwhile. I feel pretty useless at the moment not being able to take my child home so expressing for her has helped focus my mind on more positive things. Again it's nothing major but I am still proud of this little thing.

Men don't get shot down for showing pride in what they do, for owning decisions they make, for plain-speaking, or for not offering a ready-made support system on no other basis than the fact they're also men.

Definitely. Approval from other men isn't an issue because they are confident in their decisions and know that if it's wrong then "oh well" Many women (including me) would do well to accept OP is happy at face value and not use her "accomplishment" to self inspect and feel bad and like men perhaps we should stop sharing our accomplishments on SM looking for approval.

OP you're happy and that's all that matters. You should try and care less what other people think as how you feed your child isn't affected them or their child.

I've always been proud that I had as close to a natural birth as possible. No pain relief and with 2 and 3 home within a few hours. Mention that on a forum (including here) and you are shot down for daring to not want pain relief, putting yourself and baby at risk. There's nothing wrong with being proud of our bodies or for persevering with something as difficult as breastfeeding, especially when you chuck a bit of tongue tie in there. Fair play to you.

@unmarkedbythat Are you being deliberately obtuse? I'm not talking about Mumsnet. I'm taking about the group.

Why would OP post on the Facebook group (in such a way to have caused upset to several other members) about how proud she was? You post because you want people to comment.

If you wanted to mark how proud you are (just for you!) there's plenty of ways to do so without posting on a public forum.

'It started off well, messages of congrats and others successful stories' from the OP.

@whereorwhere

Wow you fed a baby - well done. You are not special we all do it. What a ridiculous post - you would get up my nose tbh

No, your post was ridiculous. Not to mention you're completely missing the point, intentionally or otherwise. Yes, everyone feeds their babies....but no, not everyone fulfills their wish to breastfeed their baby. In fact, only the minority do, as the statistics show. The majority feel unable to continue with their original choice. Hence why people feel proud of their achievement when, with support, they are able to.

YANBU - breastfeeding really gets some women's backs up. It's tough (I had a similar experience as you with my first and it came close to breaking me!) and nothing wrong with being proud of yourself for perseverance because it was what felt right for you and your baby. Just like there's nothing wrong with a woman stopping and switching exclusively to formula if she feels like it's the right thing for her and her baby (or, for that matter, not BF at all).

If it was easy then I'd guess more women would do it. But evidence indicates that it's actually really not (and support is woeful which doesn't help).

I'm sorry that you got picked on by people for sharing your experience. That clearly says more about them and their issues IMO. Bitterness in the face of another's success is a really unattractive way to behave.

People feel defensive about their parenting decisions. We all do it. We dont all publically condemn others for their choices though.

If someone had posted how happy they were to be formula feeding and loving the freedom you'd have been torn apart for saying they should.have breastfed.
Whilst some people choose to formula feed, others don't feel they actually made the choice/had the support and those tend to be the ones that tear others down. Let them shout, it's their way of handling it.

I personally wouldn't have posted as I'd have anticipated a backlash. Which in if itself is sad.

@ChipOffTheOldMock

I have read so many accounts like that on MN, and even on this thread! I just couldn't let my baby go hungry and cry for food, it would go against every maternal instinct.

I think women that have persevered with breastfeeding at the cost of their mental health & the baby's comfort choose to believe other women are 'jealous' because they don't want to confront the fact they may have wasted their precious newborn days for what is a negligible benefit.

DD's first meal was SMA because she was struggling to latch I had zero qualms about giving it to her, & actually think this relaxed attitude was what made bfing 'work out' for us in the end.

The first few weeks of having a newborn are magic, you need to savour every second.

First- many ‘basic bodily functions’ are difficult for people. Yes bf is a bodily function but many women really struggle. Walking, running, sleeping, eating and even taking a shit are ‘basic bodily functions’ but many struggle with those also! If someone has managed to jog 3K after struggling, and is proud of it you don’t say so?? Big deal it’s a basic bodily function and actually you are pretty insensitive to those who can’t run.
Second, I’m sorry ff is not as good or easy as bf. I know that is going to make many of you hopping mad but pretending it is the same is just political bullshit. Milk is for for baby calves not human babies. It will sustain them or course and in most cases do no harm, but it is not the milk intended by nature and evolution for your baby. I have both ff and bf and ff is far far easier if you or your baby don’t take easily to bf. It can be shared, the feeds are normally shorter and fill baby up for longer. It’s not all down to one person to be solely responsible for feeding baby, latched on for hours. Just no comparison.

Some people don't read the OP, I'm convinced. The reason OP posted about her BF was because it was in a mother and baby group! If you can't post about feeding your baby in a mother and baby group, where can you? People giving her shit for that are grasping at straws.

OP, I'm on your side all the way. But honestly, FB is a breeding ground and a nest for those types of bitches. At least on here you'll get a bit of balance. Yeah, there's some idiotic and pernickety little trogmogs on here...but it's largely in your favour.

Make a new post on there and just troll the shit out of them. They're not worth your time. Not. A. Second.

Well done OP. Like you, I’ve done both. It didn’t work out for me the first time around so stopped after a few months. Even despite the constant ‘breast is best’ being force fed down my throat, the support was massively lacking and I felt like a complete and utter failure for trying something and also giving up. The second time around I’d done my homework more carefully. The support was even worse than the first time around but I was equipped for it and held my own. I breastfed my second child for 2 years. I’ve felt like an utter failure for formula feeding but I’ve also felt the very real and very harsh judgment for breastfeeding. The small glances when feeding outside of the home, the ‘surely she shouldn’t be having breast still?’ The cutting ‘this is just plain wrong’ comments from people who think they can dictate when toddlers shouldn’t be having breast at all.

The way I see it - if you’ve got nothing nice to say shut the fuck up. If people ask my opinion on breast vs formula I say ‘I’ve done both and they both come with their challenges’. Anything I say beyond that is met with hardcore criticism.

For those who think only formula feeding mothers are met with criticism, think again. We all feel it. The second you become mum you are judged every day, on everything you do from sleep patterns, feeding, behaviour of child, how you do it etc etc.

If you make a decision that’s best for your family, own that decision. Be happy with it. Don’t listen to anyone telling you to do it differently. You did what’s best for you in your circumstances. End of discussion.

Op - well done on your achievement. I remember how hard I fought and how many tears I cried getting breastfeeding established. It is a huge accomplishment. Just remember that it is one of ‘those’ topics, so be very careful when and where you voice it.