To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

@missyB1 I never said I needed a pat on the back for feeding my child. I just said I felt proud for succeeding through all the trials I faced. Is that genuinely not allowed? Am I a bad person for feeling happy that I got through all my challenges?

I'm sorry your son had reflux - but I'm intrigued as to what thought process goes through your head where you would think less of another woman for fighting challenges and feeling happy that she pulled through.

It truly is baffling to me that any woman here feels they have a right to tell some-one they shouldn't be proud because they succeeded where others might not have. I won't repeat any of the thousands of analogies as there's plenty on here....but the arrogance of it astounds me.

Sorry. I started this post being nice and understanding and trying to hear other points of view but I honestly think this thread has turned out worse than the facebook group. Thank you to the supportive few of you.

YANBU, I am terrified to talk about my BF journey IRL because apparently I’m “shaming” people who didn’t/couldn’t. It’s fucking hard, of course I’m proud. And I have zero judgement towards other mothers. However, I do have judgement about the culture: there is a reason OP has been piled upon and left feeling like shit and it’s not right! The U.K. has some of the lowest BF rates in the world and that needs to be addressed. The low breastfeeding rates are not a result of the difficult and personal choices that families make but a result of the lack of support available. And I do believe the low rates need to be addressed; I think the science backs that up. But we’re not even allowed to talk about it.

weight charts based on ff norm

It might seem like a minor point, but the weight charts used in the UK are not based on formula fed babies. They are the WHO Child Growth Standards, which describe the optimal growth for healthy, breastfed children.

It's not what you do it's the way that you do it.

If OP had posted a 'feeding photo' (🙄) on a bfing group page, she wouldve been showered with the compliments & 'you go hun' she was looking for.

But she posted it out of the blue, zero context, on a general parenting page. Which if I'm honest comes across as very cringey & attention seeking.

It's the difference between posting about your exam success on your own personal FB page, where people that know and like you will be pleased for you, and posting it on a page for people with dyslexia etc. It doesn't 'raise awareness' or 'show anyone can do it', it is just a bit wanky.

As a side note, I'm really sad to see how many people wasted their precious newborn months in the grip of breastfeeding obsession. It reads like being able to lift the breastfeeding 'trophy' was more important than enjoying their new baby & making sure they were full and contented

OP my breastfeeding journey was abysmal - I still carry the guilt and hurt from that months down the line, I don’t feel bitter or angry at someone for succeeding where I didn’t I’m so pleased it has gone well for you. You are allowed to feel proud for persisting in something hard - be it running a half marathon, or breastfeeding your baby.

And I do believe the low rates need to be addressed
Do they? The OP rightly considers herself a breastfeeding mother, but according to those statistics she isn’t because her baby has some formula. How many other women who breastfeed aren’t included because they’ve given some formula, or started solids before 6 months, or something else that deviates from the really narrowly drawn definition of breastfeeding success?

You can feel proud yourself if you consider it an achievement but seems strange to post a message on SM that you are feeding your baby. Don’t all mum feed their babies?

It's the difference between posting about your exam success on your own personal FB page, where people that know and like you will be pleased for you, and posting it on a page for people with dyslexia etc. It doesn't 'raise awareness' or 'show anyone can do it', it is just a bit wanky.

What the fuck? Some of these analogies are ridiculous. The only way it would be comparable is if OP posted on a formula feeding support group, which she didnt. Also people with dyslexia still achieve high exam marks in many cases.

As a side note, I'm really sad to see how many people wasted their precious newborn months in the grip of breastfeeding obsession. It reads like being able to lift the breastfeeding 'trophy' was more important than enjoying their new baby & making sure they were full and contented sad

Not even sure where to start with this.

Sweetmother has it: “we live in a culture that make women feel bad for everything, so every choice is a judgement, how you are pregnant, how you birth your child, how you feed your child, how you talk to your child, how you play with your child, whether or not you work. It's a feckin minefield. So you can be proud of nothing.”

What you have done: overcome horrible obstacles to persevere with bf, is valuable and worth celebrating - well done!

It's the difference between posting about your exam success on your own personal FB page, where people that know and like you will be pleased for you, and posting it on a page for people with dyslexia etc.

This again. General parenting groups include breastfeeding mothers. We shouldn't have to be hived off in a little niche bf group to talk about our experience of parenting just because it's not the norm. That's just bullying and silencing. Next you'll be saying people who conceived by IVF have no business discussing it on a parenting page because it's not the norm, or parents who adopt.

And it wasn't zero context. The OP gave the context in her post and on the FB post. she was bigging up the support service that helped her carry on. Which might be useful to another parent who was struggling too and needing support.

Wow! People posting nice bf pics and being happy. I didn't post a lot of pics because I don't post pictures of my children. But you post about bf trophy is very bitter. A child could be a screaming reflux baby or hated being put down. All of my children. So your saying the babies were neglected because they're mums wanted Facebook likes??.

Don’t all mum feed their babies?

Yes they do, so what's the issue with posting about it?

Perpetually: There are plenty of posters who quite clearly infer that breastfeeding is very hard but they got through it.

Very hard? No. Were we on the verge of giving up but didn't? Yes (we had bottles and pre-prepared formula. DP was watching me sleep and deciding whether to wake me or try a bottle).

We need to learn resilience.

I think so many of us are saying things that we think will make the others feel better for their choices, but instead, people are taking them hard and to heart, when it really isn't meant that way.

Feed your baby the way that is best and easiest for you. Stop even thinking or paying attention to how other women do it, unless it's helpful.

Yup bitter and twisted...

I think some people are getting caught up on some false information. Formula isn't a "perfectly safe alternative". Formula can be dangerous, due to being a perfect environment for bacteria to grow it. The iron levels can be dangerous and cause bacterial infections, as well as GI issues, and trigger type 1 diabetes due to bovine serum albumin. A staggering percentage of the population also reuse formula that was made earlier in the day instead of fresh, or don't use boiled water. Formula can be the cause of death for some babies, at which point breastfeeding is no longer a second option. Not all CMPA babies have access to CMP-free formula either.

But also, yes, most breastfeeding issues can be rectified if caught at the right time. Not every one gets the right support, and not every one gets offered support at the right time.

But some women just don't persevere either. Some, not all. And then they get salty because people who do persevere have success.

Now why some people choose not to persevere is deeply personal. Some people can be validated in that choice and others feel like it's been taken from them, some didn't have familial support, some might have had their Mil breathing down their neck telling them "one bottle won't hurt/that baby is starving" when they're in a vulnerable and receptive state. Some people have legitimate medical reasons for not continuing.

But none of these reasons for tearing down women who do successfully breastfeed. Trying to tell people what they can and can't talk about is controlling as fuck, regardless of what it's about. Just because you're particularly stung by this topic does not give you the right to silence other people.

Calling it a journey is very wanky.

As a PP said, breastfeeding doesn't make you any better or worse than another mum who chose not/wasn't able to.

If you were posting on a forum that wasn't specifically aimed at breastfeeding mums (just a general 'mum' group) then it may have came across as goady. The reply could've come from a mum who was really struggling and saw your post; it could've been the straw which broke the camels back, so to speak.

I'd just try and push it out of your mind.

@Wolfgirrl so much wrong with your post I honestly don't even know where to begin with it.

@BikeTyson

Thank you, I didn't know that. HV was always telling me when i had concerns about DD going down her curve that 'these don't apply to her because she's bf' so I assumed. But then I ought to know by now HVs are often catastrophically badly informed about a great deal!

[quote TheatreJunkie84]@Wolfgirrl so much wrong with your post I honestly don't even know where to begin with it.[/quote]
Completely agree, I think she has unresolved issues.

As a side note, I'm really sad to see how many people wasted their precious newborn months in the grip of breastfeeding obsession. It reads like being able to lift the breastfeeding 'trophy' was more important than enjoying their new baby & making sure they were full and contented

Aw, don't be sad, love- I really enjoyed ensuring my breastfed babies were full and contented.

@MillyMollyFarmer

Vivi0

Well that is poor treatment indeed, almost no support. I am sorry, I hate that this happens at all in either direction. Interesting about your responses to continuing BF, as that is normal in Polynesian culture ( I'm Polynesian ) but we also get weird reactions from the rest of society.

I wasn’t breastfed, nor was my husband and most of my friends didn’t breastfeed past the first couple of months. I’ve been undermined by my mum, my MIL, friends, HCPs and even strangers.

I have always made a point of feeding my children wherever I am, whenever they need to be fed. Not because I’m an “exhibitionist” but because it is important normalise breastfeeding, and that includes feeding my 3 year old.

I am in the U.K. and I feel that the lack of support and understanding from HCPs and families, combined with the apparent taboo of feeding in public, contributes to the low numbers of women choosing to breastfeed.

Plus, breastfeeding is hard. It is at times painful. It is time consuming. It requires sacrifices. If someone has chosen to breastfeed and has managed to overcome the obsticles they have encountered, then why should they not feel proud? It is certainly not easy.

@Givemlala

As a side note, I'm really sad to see how many people wasted their precious newborn months in the grip of breastfeeding obsession. It reads like being able to lift the breastfeeding 'trophy' was more important than enjoying their new baby & making sure they were full and contented

Ooooookay. But it's definitely the breastfeeding mums on this thread who are being judgmental, right @PerpetuallyUnderwhelmed?

Formula isn't a "perfectly safe alternative". Formula can be dangerous, due to being a perfect environment for bacteria to grow it. The iron levels can be dangerous and cause bacterial infections, as well as GI issues, and trigger type 1 diabetes due to bovine serum albumin. A staggering percentage of the population also reuse formula that was made earlier in the day instead of fresh, or don't use boiled water. Formula can be the cause of death for some babies, at which point breastfeeding is no longer a second option. Not all CMPA babies have access to CMP-free formula either.

This is unnecessary scaremongering. Breastmilk is best but in a country with a safe water supply, formula IS a safe alternative.

And if your concern is genuine perhaps your issue should be with HCPs providing zero information to pregnant women about how to safely and correctly prepare formula, instead of them having to find out from potentially unreliable or out of date sources instead.

@unmarkedbythat

As a side note, I'm really sad to see how many people wasted their precious newborn months in the grip of breastfeeding obsession. It reads like being able to lift the breastfeeding 'trophy' was more important than enjoying their new baby & making sure they were full and contented

Aw, don't be sad, love- I really enjoyed ensuring my breastfed babies were full and contented.

Ha ha mine weren't!

Wolfgirrl
But she posted it out of the blue, zero context, on a general parenting page. Which if I'm honest comes across as very cringey & attention seeking.

question, what do you think are appropriate posts on a baby group- not parenting I do not think, the OP said a baby group. If breastfeeding has no context or is 'pout of the blue' on a baby group, what can someone post about that isn't 'cringey'? What was your last post on a parenting site aside from MN?