To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

If

yes if you look for things to support your resentment towards other women, I am sure you can find all sorts of things and assume all kinds of horrible intent.

@MangoFeverDream

Publicly stating that something was really hard but you got through it with perseverance INFERS that anyone could get through it if only they had your perseverance. Being publicly ‘proud’ of something INFERS that it is an active choice and not just your good luck

I’m going to repost this comment because it really highlights what we’re getting at here: that achievements should be celebrated, and their success isn’t your failure:

But saying "I got all Cs at A-level, missed my offer at Uni, but with the support of my parents I did an access course and was accepted a couple of years later on the course of my dreams, today I graduated with a first and I couldn't be more proud of myself" - doesn't mean everyone has parents who could support them through an access course; doesn't mean everyone could pass it if they did; doesn't mean everyone could get onto that course; and doesn't mean the person thinks they're better than everyone who didn't because they did. What it does do is: celebrate their individual hard work and success; and gives inspiration to someone else who hasn't got the results they expected that they are not alone and it doesn't necessarily have to be the end of their ambition

Erm, except the concept is rather different when you're taking about a biological function, isn't it?

You think being able to breastfeed is the same as passing exams? Something you can work at and will achieve? If so, you're rather just proving my point.

As a breastfeeding peer supporter I would be delighted to know that we had in some way helped.

I had a really tough time (who hasn't?) which is partly why I trained to support others- I wanted women who were finding it tough to know that they weren't alone.

Congratulations OP it is bloody hard and you do deserve to feel proud of yourself.

Btw, when I said don't let these bitter women make you feel guilty. I didn't mean to write it in a way to make women who couldn't are the ones that are bitter. I have loads of friends who couldn't bf but were very proud of me for continuing and we're very supportive of me. I meant bitter in a way where you get negative/bitter/miserable people in every aspect of life.

The OP successfully combi-fed and had negative responses.

A bit of a side note but that’s a good point when people comment on our “appalling” rates of breastfeeding and how we have the “worst” rates in Europe etc etc - the OP is a breastfeeding mother. But because her baby has had some formula she doesn’t count as one in those statistics.

When I was unwell with hormone conditions and in very large thyroid or other hormone problem groups, there were lots of success stories and lots of sad and struggling stories. I struggled for ages, I still haven;t resolved it as it appears it was actually caused by a massive head injury years ago... anyway, it was so friggin awful each and every day and I used the small amount of energy I had leftover after caring for my autistic child to search for answers, find the right doctor etc etc During this time I read all those success stories. I cheered them on and congratulated them. Even if I had tried the things they had and it hadn't worked for me. I never once thought to myself, Jesus, that B*h is having a go at me and saying I don't try hard enough. Not once. I guess this is why I do not understand this whole issue. I do not feel other peoples success is in any way connected to my own struggles or difficulties... however you describe it. If I did I would of been mad, sad and frustrated every day and not focusing on myself and getting better.

You think being able to breastfeed is the same as passing exams? Something you can work at and will achieve? If so, you're rather just proving my point.<

Oh you think that's it to achieving exam success? My autistic daughter had quite the struggle because of her biology. Others just are not good at them despite trying.

@MillyMollyFarmer

When I was unwell with hormone conditions and in very large thyroid or other hormone problem groups, there were lots of success stories and lots of sad and struggling stories. I struggled for ages, I still haven;t resolved it as it appears it was actually caused by a massive head injury years ago... anyway, it was so friggin awful each and every day and I used the small amount of energy I had leftover after caring for my autistic child to search for answers, find the right doctor etc etc During this time I read all those success stories. I cheered them on and congratulated them. Even if I had tried the things they had and it hadn't worked for me. I never once thought to myself, Jesus, that B*h is having a go at me and saying I don't try hard enough. Not once. I guess this is why I do not understand this whole issue. I do not feel other peoples success is in any way connected to my own struggles or difficulties... however you describe it. If I did I would of been mad, sad and frustrated every day and not focusing on myself and getting better.

I guess with your hormone condition, if you don't improve no one is going to say 'you have failed another human being' or assume it is your choice not to improve.

@VeniceQueen2004

There are plenty of posters who quite clearly infer that breastfeeding is very hard but they got through it. This suggests that anyone could if they tried hard enough and that is where 'pride' starts to come in.

No. it doesn't infer that AT ALL. Any more than saying you're proud of getting a 1st at degree level means everyone could get that if they tried.

But saying "I got all Cs at A-level, missed my offer at Uni, but with the support of my parents I did an access course and was accepted a couple of years later on the course of my dreams, today I graduated with a first and I couldn't be more proud of myself" - doesn't mean everyone has parents who could support them through an access course; doesn't mean everyone could pass it if they did; doesn't mean everyone could get onto that course; and doesn't mean the person thinks they're better than everyone who didn't because they did. What it does do is: celebrate their individual hard work and success; and gives inspiration to someone else who hasn't got the results they expected that they are not alone and it doesn't necessarily have to be the end of their ambition.

I think if everyone who sadly bombed their A-levels and went on to be disatisfied with their career piled on and told that person they were a smug braggart who was being insensitive and telling them to piss off , we'd see it for the bitterness and spite that it was.

Actually there are a few comments on this thread that do imply with enough help, support, fixing of things that anyone can do it, they just need to try hard enough (which some of us know first hand isn't the case)

@MillyMollyFarmer

>You think being able to breastfeed is the same as passing exams? Something you can work at and will achieve? If so, you're rather just proving my point.Oh you think that's it to achieving exam success? My autistic daughter had quite the struggle because of her biology. Others just are not good at them despite trying.

It wasn't my analogy, was it? Again, my point.....

Well done - it is worth it and lovely bonding. It really seems to cause such a stir but generally a lot of new and FTM get into a bit of a tizzy about lots of things eg which baby sleeps the most, when they walk what they eat. It's exhausting! And actually no one really remembers but having a baby is all consuming so I suppose people get obsessed. Anyway, I think you've done great and should be proud. Bit off of people to do you down.

@MillyMollyFarmer

Vivi0

Thats interesting, so you had the opposite to other posters here? they encouraged formula? Did they ask you what you wanted at least? In NZ we have plunket nurses and years ago when I had mine they honestly did not interfere too much, as in they just supported what the woman wanted and gave advice if needed. A midwife visits every day for 2 weeks to help you with stuff like that, and they will help with whichever you choose to do or whichever ends up best. However, obviously there will be others who had a different story and HCP's who did not follow the guidelines. But the guidelines were clear in that its all led by the Mum.

With DS1, it was just assumed that I would ff. I did make clear that I wanted to try breastfeeding and I was pretty much left to it. I am lucky DS1 did not have any problems latching as I am not sure how much support I would have received.

Once discharged, and at home, I had HCP’s encourage me to ff as my son wouldn’t sleep longer than an hour, day or night.

Now he is a toddler, I’ve had HCP’s roll their eyes at me and make comments about me continuing to breastfeed him.

With DS2, whilst I was asked how I planned on feeding, I was again left to it as I suppose I was seen as an experienced breastfeeding mum. Problem was, feeding an infant is so different from feeding a toddler, I had “forgotten” how to latch a newborn, the best feeding positions etc. Again, zero support.

I have since developed thrush and my GP prescribed a gel that wasn’t working for me. She was rather disinterested in the pain I was in and encouraged me to bear with it for 7 days. At the point where I thought I would have to stop breastfeeding, my health visitor intervened and I was given a course of oral medication which has helped.

That health visitor is the first HCP I’ve encounter who has actively been supportive. All others were either disinterested or thought that ff would solve my breastfeeding “problems”.

'if you worked really hard to lose weight, then yes, you should be proud and posting pics is not out of the question. If you, as an overweight person, can’t be happy for them, that says a lot about you tbh.'

It doesn't 'say a lot' about anything. It's a little thing called empathy. I know many overweight people who 'comfort eat', it just wouldn't occur to me to say 'so proud of my figure!' as it sounds smug as does being proud of bf, or being proud of babies sleeping through the night. Stop trying to knock others who struggle.

or assume it is your choice not to improve.<

Actually that's where you are wrong. My friends in the main weer not supportive, lots of , oh I have a friend who has it and is totally fine... doctors who send you off to fat camp despite dieting having no affect on anything to do with it.... doctors who tell you to stop being vain and you;'re fine... I had one who said ' you need to reduce your expectations of life at your age' when I was 39... constant and persisting, 'you're not trying hard enough' and oh yes, ' this is affecting your child and how you can care for her' along with my child saying she missed when I could do things with her ( fair enough)

See what happens when you assume things?

Well I’m just confused as to why feeding our babies is something that we need a pat on the back for 🤔
My ds has horrendous reflux for the first six months of his life. He was formula fed but required medication as well, feeds and even worse post feed was like torture. But I wouldn’t have dreamed of posting on social media about how I had persevered and was so proud of myself! What else was I going to do? Let him starve?!
It’s like saying “I’m so proud of fulfilling my child’s basic needs”!

Breastfeeding trauma when a women has not been able to breastfeed for as long as she wanted, is important to acknowledge, though it gets less attention than birth trauma.

This needs to be considered whenever broaching any discussion about infant feeding.

However, no woman is under any obligation to not talk about her breastfeeding journey or any other aspect of her own lived experience, and if more did we would have a more informed society overall, and potentially more respect for women's bodily autonomy.

I do find it odd the way that women who 'chose to formula feed/say they couldn't breastfeed' try to claim they have a right to stop other women sharing correct information, or even a right to spread misinformation themselves. It's weird and undermines women's education about their bodies, which is deeply conservative and misogynistic.

Vivi0

Well that is poor treatment indeed, almost no support. I am sorry, I hate that this happens at all in either direction. Interesting about your responses to continuing BF, as that is normal in Polynesian culture ( I'm Polynesian ) but we also get weird reactions from the rest of society.

The main thing that annoys me is that many people (not all before people jump at me) use the word "breastfeed" where just the word "feed" would do.

"We needed to stop half way to breastfeed" "I breastfeed him every 3 hours" etc. People don't say I formula feed 3 times through the night or we had to stop to formula feed. So to me it just comes across as any opportunity to show off that your baby is breastfed. 🤷‍♀️

Also , sorry but I've no time to listen to people moaning about how hard it is when there is a perfectly safe alternative. I know I can be a bit blunt regarding this but I've heard so many of my friends moan and go through tough times and making themselves ill and I just think why when there is a solution

Not trying to have a go but this is just my opinions on why people get annoyed at mums going about breastfeeding.

secret llama, there are different needs though, when you stop to breast-feed to when you stop to fed from a bottle or jar etc I hated feeding in the car and could never get it sorted

@PerpetuallyUnderwhelmed

You think being able to breastfeed is the same as passing exams? Something you can work at and will achieve? If so, you're rather just proving my point

Actually no, my entire point (which I explicitly said) was not everyone can pass exams just by working hard. I know wonderful people with successful lives who could work their bollocks off all year and still not pass A levels. I also know people who had the capacity to pass at a high level but didn't have the support or the environment or the access to achieve what they could have academically. That's my WHOLE POINT and is explicit in the post.

I can only assume you are ignoring that because it doesn't fit your narrative.

FWIW, my belief is

(a) some women are physically unable to breastfeed and/or some babies are physiologically unable to breastfeed. This seems obvious and true to me, and has obviously been an issue throughout history to some extent and archaeological finds continue to indicate supplementation and alternative feeding of babies (bottles found in babies tombs etc).

(b) Far more women who want to and are physiologically able to feed but are set up to fail by being given false expectations ("breastfeeding is so natural, it's easy, it doesn't hurt unless something's wrong") incorrect advice based on the formula feeding norm ("If baby is feeding more often than x arbitrary interval they're not getting enough milk", bullshit about nutritional value of hind and foremilk, breasts being 'empty' means baby isn't getting any milk, weight charts based on ff norm) and lack of appropriate support (women pressured to 'get their lives/bodies back' ASAP after birth so they can resume being a sex object, inadequate pat leave/childcare provision so women don't have the intensive period needed to establish bf, pressure to leave the baby with other people or to give a bottle from day dot 'so Dad can bond', etc).

(c) that there is a contingent of women who don't want to bf at all but feel like they 'have to' and stop as soon as possible citing 'low supply' or similar because there is no social support for women who choose of their own free will to ff.

@ThatDamnScientist

Actually there are a few comments on this thread that do imply with enough help, support, fixing of things that anyone can do it, they just need to try hard enough (which some of us know first hand isn't the case)

Like which ones?

@TheatreJunkie84

Can anyone offer a reason to not be proud other than

'It's a basic human function'

or

'it offends me that you can and I cant so therefore BF isn't something you should be proud of'

Because that's genuinely most of what I'm reading?

If you feel proud, you feel proud. But to post it online is just a bit cringe I think. But then I find people posting photos of themselves or telling people their ‘achievements’ online and then clearly waiting for lots of ‘well done hun’ messages to validate themselves, very weird. 🤢 Surely if your happy, proud etc, you don’t need to tell others. If you’re made happier by others commenting ‘well gone’ then I don’t think you’re ever truly happy with yourself. You need more than your own feelings or those of your immediate family and friends. And of course you put yourself out there to the people who will say nasty things as you’ve found. And now you feel upset.

If you are happy and proud and in a good place, just enjoy it. Stop seeking validation from random people.

*‘Well done’

You have done amazingly well. And you should be proud. You weren't gloating in my opinion, I've been breastfeeding since 2016 but I found more people who comment tend to be Mums who bottle feed. I don't care how someone feeds their baby. But be proud. I'm not sure I could cope with all that as my journey apart from super tiredness was easy tbh. Join a good FB support group we are out there 😸