To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

someone @ someone else means that person receives endless emails
You can turn them off. I don't receive an email when I get an @ mention.

I would NEVER post a photo and a load of waffle about being proud on a public Facebook group, to a load of people I don't know

You may not, but it’s a perfectly common thing to do. I can count 5 of my FB ‘friends’ off the top of my head. All I can remember are lots of positive comments.

I would NEVER post a photo and a load of waffle about being proud on a public Facebook group, to a load of people I don't know; who wouldn't give a flying fuck about my run or may also be made to feel shit about their own running efforts.<

Unless of course you were in a running group, right? I was and this was the exact point of it. Lots of support too, including from injured runners who were not trigged by others success. Like how a baby group is about babies and so is breastfeeding

Responses to various random posts, not one individual PP.

If you feel 'proud' what does that make those who can't/don't want to breast-feed

That is for them to determine. No one can compel you to 'feel' anything; you can choose whether or not to allow that. Another person's choices might be different from yours, but they're not a personal slight on you or an implied disapproval of your decisions. Why not own your decisions, be satisfied with them, and if other people disapprove let them go whistle?

'Fed is best'.

Is wrong. A substance organically designed for our species is obviously going to be better than any manufactured substitute. There may be certain situations where breast isn't practical, desirable or logistically possible. This is fine. It's a decision that in different circumstances I'd be happy to take myself. What isn't fine is peddling the untruth that formula is 'just as good'. It's not - in some developing nations there are also serious questions surrounding its ethics - but it is a viable alternative and will keep a baby full, happy and healthy. It's not poison and it's not the next worst thing to child-abuse to FF a baby. There's nothing wrong with it. But don't peddle disingenuous claims as justification for that decision.

'Pride' in breastfeeding:

My reality: the first twelve weeks nearly had me on my knees. After that you can, to use the eloquent phrase of a PP, just flop one out. It was by far the easier, lazier option. If the idea is to normalize breastfeeding then this of rhetoric does nothing to distil the message about how difficult BF is. Of course it sometimes isn't physically possible (hence wet-nursing through history) but most women are in fact able to breastfeed.

Humans have been fed this way since the dawn of our species. We'd hardly have survived all these thousands of years if BF were as impossible as some people make it sound.

Your choices are about you. Other people's are not, and you don't have to justify yours to anyone.

A few months ago a post like that would have upset me. I had no right to be upset by it and I wouldn't have commented on it. I REALLY wanted to breastfeed DS. It didn't work out for us and I spent months beating myself up for not managing. People commenting on your post are probably feeling really emotional about their own choices or situations. Try not to take it personally. You absolutely should be proud of yourself.

@PerpetuallyUnderwhelmed

Milly Molly – it’s fine if you don’t agree and would like to pretend there is absolutely no judgement on this thread. Let’s agree to disagree. We certainly disagree if you think there isn’t a hefty dose of luck involved in ALL things motherhood/parenting

There is also judgment from the FF mums too though. The whole attitude of breastfeeding should be kept a dirty secret and in case it offends someone is surely a huge reason breastfeeding numbers are so low in the UK. Just on this thread I’ve seen “smug”, “idiotic”, “cringe”, used towards breastfeeding mums.

Milly - been on mumsnet for years and honestly never heard that request but. I problem.

That is for them to determine. No one can compel you to 'feel' anything; you can choose whether or not to allow that. Another person's choices might be different from yours, but they're not a personal slight on you or an implied disapproval of your decisions. Why not own your decisions, be satisfied with them, and if other people disapprove let them go whistle?

This in spades.

ifitmakesyouhappy, really? ok well, I was asked when I joined years ago and I see it a lot but anyway....

Bike Tyson, can you direct me to where I doubted another womans 'lived experience' ( god I hate that phrase )

I don’t like the phrase either but couldn’t think of a better alternative. But here:

I guess I find it odd that apparently every health care professional is being so intense about BF when the overwhelming majority FF. It does;t add up. It doesn’t add up. Did I misunderstand “it doesn’t add up?” Because I read it to mean “well that can’t be true because the overwhelming majority FF”.

And because my comment was on the thread in general not your posts specifically, here’s another example of what I meant, that wasn’t you: I always find it astonishing in these threads how many women who formula fed describe feeling unusual, belittled, beleaguered, etc. I'm not doubting their subjective experience but
“I’m not doubting their subjective experience, but”. The but negates the not.

I dont have a partner or financial support so I have felt responsible for financially supporting the family which means I get less time at home. Its upsetting and I feel like an rubbish mum for not staying home with them.
So I dont think you should post things like that about breast feeding or any other emotive mum issues because it is upsetting to others

I truly think the focus should be on emotional resilience here rather than trying to censor what other people do and say. I've had to support my family too without help. I havent been able to be a sahm. I also struggled to breastfeed. There's lots of things in my life that have been good, and other things I wish could have been different. But no way would I want to take that away from other people and stop them sharing their joy in those things just because some of my experiences have been harder.

@TheatreJunkie84

Can anyone offer a reason to not be proud other than

'It's a basic human function'

or

'it offends me that you can and I cant so therefore BF isn't something you should be proud of'

Because that's genuinely most of what I'm reading?

I don't think you shouldn't be proud. However I don't see the connection between being proud and putting it on Facebook in a group where there will be women who are genuinely heartbroken about not being able to do the same.

I wouldn't have had a go at you because that just isn't the right way to behave, but as someone who had less issues than you and still failed, I'd be somewhat upset to be dismissed as "offended" if I was upset.

I wouldn't have been upset if you'd said how lucky you'd been to have enough support to be able to continue breastfeeding I think.

Anyway, what I feel is irrelevant, it's your life. You should say what you feel like on the internet (as long as it's legal 🙂) just imagine how you'd have felt if you hadn't been as lucky as you were.

Gah I missed a "but" before the "just" in the last paragraph

Most women want to BF - 4 out of 5 try in the beginning I think if the stats are the same as a few years ago.

But most don't succeed for any length of time because it's bloody hard in a formula centric society where there is a lot of misinformation (often people thinking they're not producing enough milk when their baby is cluster feeding through a growth spurt), not enough support, feeling conscious feeding in public when so few other people are and our breasts have been sexualised by society.

Then yes I agree that the upset is directed towards other mothers who did manage to keep going rather than against a society who failed them. That's easier.

I think unfortunately this cult of internet validation has made people hugely resentful of others. I wouldn’t ever bother posting personal things online to strangers. This thread clearly proves that people are inherently angry and unpleasant.

@LittleBipper don't worry, your post is still very eloquent unlike someone else on this thread

@MillyMollyFarmer

That is for them to determine. No one can compel you to 'feel' anything; you can choose whether or not to allow that. Another person's choices might be different from yours, but they're not a personal slight on you or an implied disapproval of your decisions. Why not own your decisions, be satisfied with them, and if other people disapprove let them go whistle?

This in spades.

I didn't have a choice. I had a baby during a pandemic with no outside help for breastfeeding as no clinics were open and a baby who would scream bloody murder if I put my boob in his mouth. I pumped and eventually was able to use sheilds but then he started losing weight and I was told I had to put him onto formula.

It does hurt and I still tear up a bit when I think about it. I am devastated that I have to give my son something that isn't the absolute best. This is why I avoid Facebook parenting groups, they seem to be mainly full of women who were able to bf and them putting up pictures all the time. It's on me to avoid though so Yanbu but I can understand why it hits a nerve with others.

Publicly stating that something was really hard but you got through it with perseverance INFERS that anyone could get through it if only they had your perseverance. Being publicly ‘proud’ of something INFERS that it is an active choice and not just your good luck

I’m going to repost this comment because it really highlights what we’re getting at here: that achievements should be celebrated, and their success isn’t your failure:

But saying "I got all Cs at A-level, missed my offer at Uni, but with the support of my parents I did an access course and was accepted a couple of years later on the course of my dreams, today I graduated with a first and I couldn't be more proud of myself" - doesn't mean everyone has parents who could support them through an access course; doesn't mean everyone could pass it if they did; doesn't mean everyone could get onto that course; and doesn't mean the person thinks they're better than everyone who didn't because they did. What it does do is: celebrate their individual hard work and success; and gives inspiration to someone else who hasn't got the results they expected that they are not alone and it doesn't necessarily have to be the end of their ambition

Not. Everything. Is. About. You

We could all do with remembering this

Yes people are resentful/negative about mothers who breastfeed. It is proven to be better for babies and is difficult in the beginning stages so you should be proud that you persevered.

If someone wrote a post saying how proud they were that they had stopped smoking people wouldn't say you should be mindful of those that hadn't stopped.

The but negates the not<

Not always. The point is not to question that posters personal experience, but whether this is policy and normal. Thats why I said the stats show that there must be support for formula amongst HCP's generally. It doesn't mean that one persons story isn't true. Its interesting you select that comment and not the others where I specifically said' I can't argue because my experience with HCp's here is not good either. Why did you only see what you perceived as negative and not where I 100% validate that same comment. perhaps you look for things to prove your point and miss the support. that's on you.

Daisy12Maisie I hope you got away from your children's father.

Be proud of yourself. I also had a very hard time trying to feed DS and tbh if it weren't for my mum motivating me at every bump on the road, I wouldn't have continued. Some women can't and some woman can. Don't let these bitter women make you feel guilty about it. There's loads of restrictions and sacrifices to make when bf. From diet to lifestyle and I applaud myself for that. It is known FF babies sleep better and more content. Not only do I have a high needs toddler but I also have him still waking up frequently for feeds espcially with the weather warmer now. I don't have the freedom like FF mothers do, I can't leave dc with someone to be looked after for more than 3 hours. I still don't drink because of BF. Bf has turned my dc into a clingy little toddler that will only sleep when bf, so I don't even get a break from that. I always have to be the one putting him to bed. So yes, I applaud myself and so should you!

Looking for judgemental undertones. You can play bingo on @MarieIVanArkleStinks 's post!!

The OP successfully combi-fed and had negative responses. Imagine the responses is someone 'dared' to share they felt proud for exclusively breastfeeding. Such a shame, but that's the glorious internet for you.