To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

ScarMatty

And you seem hellbent on being exactly the sort of person I try to avoid.

Why? Because I don't accept your anger that is because of someone else's actions being taken out on the OP or anyone else who breast-feeds. What is it that you are so upset about from this thread full of people saying it is totally fine to do either BF or FF, which I have said multiple times. What is your issue?

@MillyMollyFarmer

Perpetually: There are plenty of posters who quite clearly infer that breastfeeding is very hard but they got through it. This suggests that anyone could if they tried hard enough and that is where 'pride' starts to come in. That is not true. As per my previous post, the definition of hard is subjective. How do you know your experience was 'hard' compared to anyone else's.Does it suggest this though? Where, how? Because unless its mentioned specifically, why is it a comment on anyone else? Are you actually saying nobody can ever say any experience they have ever had is hard because someone else might have had a harder one? You could apply that to anything and never use some words again because you can't ask everyone in the world for context. You're actually making no sense whatsoever. Total nonsense.

You know quite clearly what I mean. Publicly stating that something was really hard but you got through it with perseverance INFERS that anyone could get through it if only they had your perseverance. Being publicly ‘proud’ of something INFERS that it is an active choice and not just your good luck. You don’t have to explicitly state something for it to be value laden. Why do you think so many posters jumped on the OP on Facebook? It’s an emotive topic and people will be affected by it. It’s such faux naivety to suggest this thread isn’t full of judgemental undertones.

@PerpetuallyUnderwhelmed totally agree!

well it's implied really isn't it?<

No it isn't. This exact point has been refuted multiple times and not one person who keeps insisting this is listening nr really engaging on what is being said. If someone is talking about their experience and life and their time breastfeeding was hard but they got past that and are now happy and share it... WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR STORY. Literally nothing.

Not. Everything. Is. About. You.

people feel pleased about themselves about all sorts, and they share it. Thats it. Nothing about you inferred or implied.

@ScarMatty thank you, thought I might get flamed. It is sad people feel judged, being a mum is hard enough without turning on each other.

It’s such faux naivety to suggest this thread isn’t full of judgemental undertones.

Faux naivety and a nice side helping of doubting women’s lived experience because how could that possibly be true when the stats are x, y or z is a good summation of lots of these posts.

Perpetually, you said: You know quite clearly what I mean.
Publicly stating that something was really hard but you got through it with perseverance INFERS that anyone could get through it if only they had your perseverance. Being publicly ‘proud’ of something INFERS that it is an active choice and not just your good luck.
You don’t have to explicitly state something for it to be value laden. Why do you think so many posters jumped on the OP on Facebook? It’s an emotive topic and people will be affected by it. It’s such faux naivety to suggest this thread isn’t full of judgemental undertones.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't claim to know what I think or know. I really hate that and its a disingenuous way to discuss something.

No. I quite clearly disagree that stating you had a challenge and overcame it is anything to do with anyone else.

Why do you think everything is about you or has some ulterior motive? Its a suspicious negative way to live.

And yes, if you keep going and manage to overcome something, you have worked at it. Others that do not overcome it, may also have worked hard but ti didn't work out. Luck has nothing to do with this OP and its rude to say so after she has shared a hard journey. This is supposed to be a parenting support site.

You can be proud but you don’t have to be boastful. Side eye at the woman I went to school with who posted that she got her ‘ruby boobie award’ for breastfeeding for X months 🤢

I think, if the vast majority of women who wanted to breastfeed for longer but didn’t manage to, had better support from people who knew how to help them, they would have stood a far better chance of reaching their breastfeeding goal.
If these women took their anger out at the SYSTEM that failed them, rather than at women who miraculously managed to reach their goal (probably because they paid for help or maybe were just lucky) maybe the system wouldn’t fail so many women (because those in power would realise it was an important thing to spend money on) And less women would have the feelings of guilt that fester away and cause so much upset.

There used to be a fantastic breastfeeding group near me, with fully trained consultants And supporters there to help. Gradually, it had its funding removed so they could no longer afford to meet. First they couldn’t afford to pay to train the staff, so when they moved on, no one replaced them, then they couldn’t afford to pay the staff, so they all left, then their was no money left to pay for the room, so the whole thing was disbanded. I have no idea on the official statistics for bf in the area, but I can imagine they are lower than they were 5 years ago when the group was thriving.

I wish women would realise that it is not them that are failing, it is the support system that is failing around them.

Bike Tyson, can you direct me to where I doubted another womans 'lived experience' ( god I hate that phrase ) We were discussing what is on this thread specifically. I didn't;'t doubt her experience with health care professionals, in fact I supported it as I had the same. So please specify where or how I doubted someone. Don't just say it

@MillyMollyFarmer YES IT IS IMPLIED.

I. Can. Write. In. Capitals. Too.

Whether or not that's how it should be, people projecting their own feelings and experiences on others, it happens and the OP was being unreasonable posting about it to a group full of strangers and assuming it would be received well on such a sensitive subject. Send a picture to your mum and sister about how "proud" you are instead.

If these women took their anger out at the SYSTEM that failed them, rather than at women who miraculously managed to reach their goal (probably because they paid for help or maybe were just lucky) maybe the system wouldn’t fail so many women (because those in power would realise it was an important thing to spend money on) And less women would have the feelings of guilt that fester away and cause so much upset

Agreed. A lot of women here were failed or humiliated by a system and they;'re taking it out on other Mums doing their best. That solves nothing

I breast fed mine for a year because I found it easy. I never mention it though unless someone asks. There are things I cant do such as stay home with my children or even work part time. I get upset when people talk about what great mums they are staying home with their children. I dont dispute the fact they are great mums but its rubbing my nose in it as I never had that chance. (Yes i could have given up work and claimed benefits but i did what I thought was right for my family). I dont have a partner or financial support so I have felt responsible for financially supporting the family which means I get less time at home. Its upsetting and I feel like an rubbish mum for not staying home with them.
So I dont think you should post things like that about breast feeding or any other emotive mum issues because it is upsetting to others. Your well done should be the health/ wellbeing of the baby not from anyone else.

If these women took their anger out at the SYSTEM that failed them, rather than at women who miraculously managed to reach their goal (probably because they paid for help or maybe were just lucky) maybe the system wouldn’t fail so many women

A million times this. Sing it from the rooftops.

@MillyMollyFarmer

I guess I find it odd that apparently every health care professional is being so intense about BF when the overwhelming majority FF. It does;t add up. Breastfeeding mothers are the minority. And we can see why, can't we....

This has been my experience.

When DS1 was born, the midwife assumed I would be ff and passed me a bottle. I hadn’t really made a decision either way, but wanted to at least breastfeeding.

On the ward, I was the only breastfeeding mum. I heard no HCP encourage anyone to breastfeed, in fact, I received zero support from any HCP prior to being discharged.

That was 3 years ago.

I recently had my DS2 and nothing had changed.

ifitmakesyouhappy

I am on the thread, please don't @ me.

I clearly disagree. I do not think talking about yourself implies anything about someone else. You seem to think a lot fo yourself if you think everyone is thinking about you when they post.

I hope more women share their breastfeeding photos. Its a positive thing.

*at least try breastfeeding

Why don't you like being @ ?

Milly Molly – it’s fine if you don’t agree and would like to pretend there is absolutely no judgement on this thread. Let’s agree to disagree.
We certainly disagree if you think there isn’t a hefty dose of luck involved in ALL things motherhood/parenting

Vivi0

Thats interesting, so you had the opposite to other posters here? they encouraged formula? Did they ask you what you wanted at least? In NZ we have plunket nurses and years ago when I had mine they honestly did not interfere too much, as in they just supported what the woman wanted and gave advice if needed. A midwife visits every day for 2 weeks to help you with stuff like that, and they will help with whichever you choose to do or whichever ends up best. However, obviously there will be others who had a different story and HCP's who did not follow the guidelines. But the guidelines were clear in that its all led by the Mum.

Although formula feeding is more common statistically, I think it’s pointless and disingenuous to deny how prevalent the ‘breast is best’ message is and how much pressure is placed on women to breastfeed by HCPs in particular - usually without accompanying support or realistic expectations. I’m a proud breastfeeder, but this makes me SO angry. The fact is, it’s much cheaper to make women feel bad than it is to provide them with appropriately trained, easily accessible professional support.

I breastfed and it was a very difficult journey for me but I think the ‘breast is best’ pressure did me a lot of mental harm. I developed awful PND and convinced myself breastfeeding was the be all and end all. “If I don’t breastfeed him, he’ll always be unhealthy and never get a good job” (I know - I was in a bad place).

This isn’t relevant to the thread really but he’s now 13 months. I exclusively breastfed him to 6 months and am still feeding. He didn’t roll over until 5.5 months, didn’t crawl till 10.5 months, can’t walk at 13 months and hasn’t got any words yet. Oh, and I’m about to take him to the GP for the third time in 3 weeks. Whereas my friend’s baby who is the same age and was formula fed from early on is walking, talking, and seemingly invincible.

The marathon comparison is a daft one as, just like the OP's issue, it's all about knowing your audience.

I've run lots of marathons. They all go on my Strava (training log primarily for me, where running mates will also see it).
The big events might go on my Facebook page where friends can see it. Prob with a picture and something like "knackered but happy after the xx marathon - 3:32 on the clock - time for cake now."

I would NEVER post a photo and a load of waffle about being proud on a public Facebook group, to a load of people I don't know; who wouldn't give a flying fuck about my run or may also be made to feel shit about their own running efforts.

That's the difference - the OP hadn't got her audience right. Seeking approval in public for a very personal thing is just a bit self-congratulatory for most tastes.

there is absolutely no judgement on this thread<

Oh no there is. Just I think its in the other direction. That seems to bear out in the data with very few women breast-feeding.

someone @ someone else means that person receives endless emails. Its also not needed if someone is on the thread. Its a fairly standard request on MN

Oh and I know that my breast feeding experience was just good luck. (Definitely not a support network as the children's dad used to beat me up and I was isolated from others by him.) I know its harder for others and although I didnt struggle with breast feeding I struggle with other things that people are very judgemental about.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be proud. It takes a huge amount of effort to persevere with breastfeeding, especially after a difficult start. I’m sorry you received the negative comments.

I probably wouldn’t post about it on a public forum though, because I know many women were unable to continue for whatever reason and it’s a very sensitive subject for a lot of mothers.