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Original poster

To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

999 replies

TheatreJunkie84 · 25/08/2020 10:32

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

OP posts:
BikeTyson · 25/08/2020 14:27

I just find it so culturally interesting that women who are objectively the majority and the norm can be made to feel like a stigmatized minority.

These populations aren’t distributed evenly. My NCT group was 8, I was the only formula feeder. My friendship group of 6 women with babies, I was the only formula feeder. Some introduced combo feeding later - e.g 6 months or just before so they didn’t count in the “exclusive” stats but to all intents and purposes they breastfed - but in the early months I had no real life contacts who bottle fed. I relied on things like Facebook groups to find out about stuff like moving up a nipple size, because no one I knew in real life would have had a clue about any of it. I didn’t feel at all normal.

It must also be very isolating and difficult for women who want to breastfeed who don’t have any friends or family who do or have done so and I hope the initiatives which are put in place to change this do help.

ScarMatty · 25/08/2020 14:27

@TheKeatingFive

No, because it's a waste of my energy on someone I know will never understand.

Rainraincomeback · 25/08/2020 14:27

I have mentioned finding breastfeeding hard at first etc earlier up the thread and the associated difficulties but I do absolutely agree that it was far far easier than I expect formula to be, after that. Except I suppose for not being able to leave the baby as I never seemed to get enough pumping

Bubbletrouble43 · 25/08/2020 14:27

I had trouble breastfeeding and gave up with my twins and had massive anxiety around it but I would never have taken that out on another woman who also faced hurdles breastfeeding. I say congratulations to you. Some people are uppity about it but you don't sound like one of them. You are rightly proud, I know it's tough! X

TheKeatingFive · 25/08/2020 14:27

The point is that it’s not their fault you still have unresolved feelings over it. We should celebrate each other’s achievements, even the more mundane ones, and not internalise them as our own shortcomings.

Exactly. Well put.

MistressMounthaven · 25/08/2020 14:27

I'm a failed breastfeeder and thirty five years on I still feel sad about it.

But I wouldn't say anything to anyone - but nowadays online people are so unpleasant.

KarenFitzkaren · 25/08/2020 14:28

Well you'd have a point if people posted 'so proud my kids have a dad!'.

Can you not see it isn't the bf, as many of us have done, it's being 'proud' of it.

There's nothing wrong with being proud with having managed to breast feed. And I have no issue with people posting that they managed to succeed in something that is quite difficult for many. Likewise I don't care if people post up their happy family / dad pics. If we don't like something we see just move on. Not censor everything in case someone finds it insensitive. We could apply that to everything in life, not post or talk about anything we have achieved or makes us happy. But that would be a pretty crap way to live.

ScarMatty · 25/08/2020 14:28

@ancientgran

That is one of the best things I've ever been told throughout my entire journey of motherhood.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

butterpuffed · 25/08/2020 14:28

I breastfed my son for six months, my daughter i had problems with after a month so abandoned it. Never thought anything more of it, wasn't proud or not proud.

Why do mothers need to be congratulated or castigated these days ? It's nobody else's business.

Mine were born late seventies when there was no social media so nobody criticised you. Jesus, it's worrying that not only people are able to be so openly judgemental about things like this these days but that people listen to strangers' opinions and let it affect them Sad

It's understandable if someone has nobody to turn to about a serious problem, I'm not knocking that, that's a different thing.

MillyMollyFarmer · 25/08/2020 14:28

I guess I find it odd that apparently every health care professional is being so intense about BF when the overwhelming majority FF. It does;t add up. Breastfeeding mothers are the minority. And we can see why, can't we....

Original poster
TheatreJunkie84 · 25/08/2020 14:28

Can anyone offer a reason to not be proud other than

'It's a basic human function'

or

'it offends me that you can and I cant so therefore BF isn't something you should be proud of'

Because that's genuinely most of what I'm reading?

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 25/08/2020 14:28

No, because it's a waste of my energy on someone I know will never understand.

Well if you don’t want to actually talk about, not a whole lot to be done, is there?

DiscordandRhyme · 25/08/2020 14:29

I'm proud of doing it.

Not because I'm better than anyone but as it's not an easy thing to do when several things go wrong so to come out the other side is something to be proud of yourself for.

ScarMatty · 25/08/2020 14:29

@MillyMollyFarmer

Because a GP, nurse or HCP standing at the end of your bed pressuring you to BF does not magically produce milk and a baby that can latch.

MillyMollyFarmer · 25/08/2020 14:29

No, because it's a waste of my energy on someone I know will never understand<

Why do you think this? Nothing the poster has written indicates that. You seem hell bent on taking offence.

ScarMatty · 25/08/2020 14:30

@MillyMollyFarmer

And you seem hellbent on being exactly the sort of person I try to avoid.

gumball37 · 25/08/2020 14:31

Oh I'm giving you a high-five! My breasts are useless. 3 babies and barely a few drops of colostrum and no actual milk... Despite trying every fucking option available... And one that's even illegal in the US 🤷

I will admit I'm jealous of people who can breastfeed... But not in a hateful way in a wistful one.

My first 2 were failure to thrive (although my second had so many issues with her stomach I ended up needing breast milk from a milkbank. My youngest... As soon as I realized things weren't working out I just went straight to formula... No point in stressing us both out.

ifitmakesyouhappy · 25/08/2020 14:31

@MillyMollyFarmer well it's implied really isn't it? It's a bit like if someone with cancer were to say "I fought hard to get better" so others didn't? It's not said but it could be taken that way depending on the persons own experience, for instance, a statement like that wouldn't bother me but someone that has lost their mum to cancer it might do.

That is why it is best to keep braggy posts off of social media as you do not know your audience. If you want to put braggy posts on social media then deal with it like the breast feeding, bottle feeding, formula feeding woman that you are and don't come on here and moan about the reaction.

Bubbletrouble43 · 25/08/2020 14:31

@ScarMatty
Amen to that. Same experience for us... Ff was not easy!

MillyMollyFarmer · 25/08/2020 14:32

ScarMatty

I'm on the thread, so no need to @ people

you said: Because a GP, nurse or HCP standing at the end of your bed pressuring you to BF does not magically produce milk and a baby that can latch.

Yes I know this. I had my problems too. Why did you direct that to me? Why are you taking out your anger over unprofessional doctors and nurses on other Mums? You have a lot of resentment towards these people, understandably, but you can't project that onto other people who had nothing to do with it. Did you make an official complaint? I hope you did.

ScarMatty · 25/08/2020 14:32

I'm going to leave this thread on the basis that I want to leave on a good note, provided by @ancientgran

If posters genuinely cannot see how a FF feeding mum might get upset by certain things, then I think you need to educate yourself a bit more and be more receptive to people's feeling.

BikeTyson · 25/08/2020 14:33

The point is that it’s not their fault you still have unresolved feelings over it. We should celebrate each other’s achievements, even the more mundane ones, and not internalise them as our own shortcomings.

But I don’t think it’s the OP’s fault. If you care, scroll up to my first comment on this thread. I’ve taken issue with the people comparing not being able to breastfeed with no being able to book a holiday. That wasn’t her. But those analogies are dismissive.

gumball37 · 25/08/2020 14:33

@TheatreJunkie84

Can anyone offer a reason to not be proud other than

'It's a basic human function'

or

'it offends me that you can and I cant so therefore BF isn't something you should be proud of'

Because that's genuinely most of what I'm reading?

Well as I just replied... It isn't a "basic human function"for all of us. And there are countless other ways people struggle to succeed that I didn't have to face. People are dicks🤷
TheKeatingFive · 25/08/2020 14:33

And you seem hellbent on being exactly the sort of person I try to avoid.

You’re not actually engaging here. Just throwing out vague insults. If you want to actually debate, then we can do that in a civilised way.

VeniceQueen2004 · 25/08/2020 14:34

There are plenty of posters who quite clearly infer that breastfeeding is very hard but they got through it. This suggests that anyone could if they tried hard enough and that is where 'pride' starts to come in.

No. it doesn't infer that AT ALL. Any more than saying you're proud of getting a 1st at degree level means everyone could get that if they tried.

But saying "I got all Cs at A-level, missed my offer at Uni, but with the support of my parents I did an access course and was accepted a couple of years later on the course of my dreams, today I graduated with a first and I couldn't be more proud of myself" - doesn't mean everyone has parents who could support them through an access course; doesn't mean everyone could pass it if they did; doesn't mean everyone could get onto that course; and doesn't mean the person thinks they're better than everyone who didn't because they did. What it does do is: celebrate their individual hard work and success; and gives inspiration to someone else who hasn't got the results they expected that they are not alone and it doesn't necessarily have to be the end of their ambition.

I think if everyone who sadly bombed their A-levels and went on to be disatisfied with their career piled on and told that person they were a smug braggart who was being insensitive and telling them to piss off , we'd see it for the bitterness and spite that it was.