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Original poster

To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

999 replies

TheatreJunkie84 · 25/08/2020 10:32

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

OP posts:
PerpetuallyUnderwhelmed · 25/08/2020 14:05

It’s the idea of a ‘struggle’ or a ‘journey’ that annoys people. Perseverance is subjective. Some people think they had it hard but maybe they didn’t compared to others!
I spent hundreds trying to breastfeed. Multiple different pumps, private lactation consultants. It didn’t work. I decided to give and enjoy my baby. We both became much happier after she had her first bottle. Should I have persevered more?
People have different priorities. Mine was mine and my baby’s. A friend of mine has persisted with breast feeding beyond the 1 year mark. It’s still difficult, still not easy and has been literally ALL she has done or thought about for a whole year. She missed out on playing with her baby because she was constantly trying to feed/worrying about supply/worrying about weight loss. Breastfeeding evangelists will never understand that it’s just not the same for everyone! (It's very clear who those people are from the posts here)

Rainraincomeback · 25/08/2020 14:06

Sorry, no - she'd asked if I was bottle feeding, not breastfeeding. But I'd answered truthfully (was I supposed to lie?)

ScarMatty · 25/08/2020 14:09

I definitely find the subject emotive because every BF mum I has spoke to thinks formula feeding is 'easy' when it's not.

It's all "I persevered" etc etc making it sound as if the FF just didn't quite do enough

Givemlala · 25/08/2020 14:09

Why should society reward them with praise and kudos for doing something completely run-of-the-mill?

Well the vast majority of people don't BF, so it's not run of the mill is it.

LimpLettice · 25/08/2020 14:09

I wrote a long post but actually, what @CatteStreet said. This intense shame some women feel is so sad, but it should not stop anyone being proud of a fairly essential biological function and is absolutely part of the problem as to why we are so set up to fail. I have no strong feeling about those who actively choose not to BF, but that's not the case for a great deal of mums who need all the positivity they can get as a standard thing.

TheKeatingFive · 25/08/2020 14:10

Should I have persevered more?

Not if you didn’t want to no.

Did anyone suggest you should?

MillyMollyFarmer · 25/08/2020 14:11

Breastfeeding evangelists will never understand that it’s just not the same for everyone! (It's very clear who those people are from the posts here)<

Is it? Because I do not see a single evangelist nor anyone who doesn't understand the difficulties. You're making assumptions because people breastfeed, about whether or not it is difficult. The OP herself had a struggle, that's the point of the thread! I had a horrible time initially too. Why is simply saying, I breastfed, a judgement on anyone else or an indicator on how hard or easy it was?

ScarMatty · 25/08/2020 14:11

@TheKeatingFive

Yes, every midwife, HV and GP that I encountered.

piscean10 · 25/08/2020 14:11

I think you should feel proud but that only important to you op. Why did you feel the need to make a big song and dance about it. Your journey, struggles and whatever only mean something to you.
I put myself through so much trying to bf, until my doctor told me it's really ok and to not stress myself out this way and my baby will be absolutley fine. My ds is fine and dandy. In fact the stickiest 2 kids I know were breastfed so whatever.
You may have had good intentions but you came across smug. These things are only relevant to you.

BikeTyson · 25/08/2020 14:12

See IMO the analogies with mountain climbing and running marathons ect. just aren't quite right. Nor with anything that is a hobby done for pleasure. These things wont have the potential for emotional load which the carrying and then responsibility of feeding a new baby has.

So very true. These analogies are incredibly dismissive of something that causes a lot of heartache to a lot of women and is a significant contributing factor to post natal depression.

TheKeatingFive · 25/08/2020 14:13

Yes, every midwife, HV and GP that I encountered.

And you decided that you knew best what was right for you. That's fine, what's the issue?

MillyMollyFarmer · 25/08/2020 14:13

It's all "I persevered" etc etc making it sound as if the FF just didn't quite do enough<

Again, someone talking about their experience isn't making a judgement on others. It just isn't. Its saying, I had it hard and I persevered and it got better. Thats it. If YOU are happy with your choices, great. Don't forget not everyone wants to breastfeed and so some FF haven't gone down that route or struggled trying. Thats their choice.

BikeTyson · 25/08/2020 14:14

Yes, every midwife, HV and GP that I encountered.

Same. I even had midwives telling me it was a good thing I hadn’t had formula in the house to “tempt” me, while my baby was being readmitted for significant weight loss, low blood sugar and jaundice. Which could have been entirely avoided with formula.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 25/08/2020 14:14

Unfortunately this is all a result of the excellent formula marketing that has been allowed by governments around the world as they profit so much from selling it.

TheKeatingFive · 25/08/2020 14:15

These analogies are incredibly dismissive of something that causes a lot of heartache to a lot of women

The heartache isn't cause by the women who bf though, rather the system that sets people up to fail.

BFing mothers aren't responsible for the fact that the NHS doesn't provide adequate support or manage expectations.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 25/08/2020 14:15

Thanking everyone for their support would have been nice, but to take a picture of yourself breastfeeding and post it online is a bit weird.

MillyMollyFarmer · 25/08/2020 14:15

Yes, every midwife, HV and GP that I encountered.<

If they did this after you struggled a lot, then you had a bad run. But the health profession isn't always fair to women in a number of areas, not just breastfeeding. Even if you do breastfeed, they find something else you're not doing right. Nobody here on this thread is saying to you to keep trying are they? So perhaps get a new GP

ancientgran · 25/08/2020 14:15

I breastfed my 4, total of 5 years and it was easy and convenient and cheap. I need no congratulations. You on the other hand had a tough time and that's worth a "well done" for the perseverance not the actual breastfeeding. It's a bit like I didn't congratulate my two who taught themselves to read before they started school but heaped praise on the dyslexic one who struggled as he deserved it.

So well done and take no notice of the people who can't bear others to succeed.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 25/08/2020 14:15

@ScarMatty

I definitely find the subject emotive because every BF mum I has spoke to thinks formula feeding is 'easy' when it's not.

It's all "I persevered" etc etc making it sound as if the FF just didn't quite do enough

I’ve never heard of anyone switching from formula to breast because breastfeeding is easier. I’ve known many (15 off the top of my head) who switched to formula within days because it was easier. Newborns are hard work regardless of what you feed them. Breastfeeding IS harder though.
IdblowJonSnow · 25/08/2020 14:16

It's a shame it descended into a bunfight. Doesnt sound like you said anything wrong but its such a sensitive subject. I've known lifelong friends fall out about it permanently!
The thing is, at what point do you accept it's not happening and 'give up' which can then be perceived as a failure- not how I see it at all by the way.
I had to pump for 5 weeks with my first who wouldn't latch. It was so miserable and my personal advice, if anyone ever asks me is to FF in those circs. Plus, it's just so bloody tying. You csnt have a life.
With my 2nd I managed to combo for 4 - 5 weeks. BF made me feel a bit odd tbh. V emotional couldn't really pinpoint the exact feeling but was happy to switch to just FFwhen milk supply started to run out.
Basically I just wish there was less judgement around it...

BikeTyson · 25/08/2020 14:16

And you decided that you knew best what was right for you. That's fine, what's the issue?

Do you think it’s acceptable for women to be put under immense pressure to take a particular course of action (that has statistically very similar outcomes to the alternative) by health professionals at a really vulnerable point in their lives, when their hormones are all over the place?

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 25/08/2020 14:16

Someone else’s achievements are not your failures.

This is excellent - given how much is out there about teaching our children to be resilient, I'm surprised at how touchy so many people are.

Be happy for other people's achievements, what's that line from Desiderata?

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Hell, all of Desiderata (my GP had it on the back of their bathroom door, so it probably had quite the effect on me!)

MillyMollyFarmer · 25/08/2020 14:17

but to take a picture of yourself breastfeeding and post it online is a bit weird.<

why? Lots of people do it because it normalises it and makes it easier for mothers when they';re out and their baby needs feeding.

PerpetuallyUnderwhelmed · 25/08/2020 14:17

@TheKeatingFive

Should I have persevered more?

Not if you didn’t want to no.

Did anyone suggest you should?

Well that's the point isn't it?

People posting about how they overcame their 'struggles' suggests that other people didn't work hard enough to overcome theirs when in reality the definition of a 'struggle' is completely subjective. Those who think they had it hard maybe didn't compared to someone else.

Parker231 · 25/08/2020 14:18

Family wise I was surrounded by breast feeders. I chose to use formula. DC’s are now 21. You can’t tell how there were fed. They are healthy. Tall and slim. No health problems. Would the same be the case if I’d ff? Who knows and it doesn’t matter.