To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

Yes, you absolutely should feel proud. You’ve overcome lots of obstacles and (hopefully) come out the other end. I loved breast feeding my son; it was a really special time and over too quickly. There was and is no need for other mums to cut you down; your post was intended to encourage other mums who may be struggling and to sign post where they can get support. Nothing wrong with that.

As an aside, what is all this nonsense about feeling guilty or ashamed about formula feeding? The only circumstances in which such feelings might be valid are: if you believe breast milk is better (many don’t) and you make no attempt to breast feed. For what it’s worth, I do think breast is best and I intended to breast feed my twins. I succeeded with one but not the other. Do I feel guilty about my formula fed twin? No, I gave it my best shot, it didn’t work out and we all moved on.

P.S. I am in awe of breastfeeding mums of multiples.

'My kids haven't got a dad. Should I be offended because others post up happy things about their kids with their dads? That's insensitive right? After all, I think my children should have the same. Or doesn't that count? And if not, why not.'

Well you'd have a point if people posted 'so proud my kids have a dad!'.

Can you not see it isn't the bf, as many of us have done, it's being 'proud' of it.

Agree with ChipOffTheOldMock, why don't we all just stop it? What does anybody get out of it?

TheatreJunkie, I breastfed; first one was quite difficult, second one was easier. I have no views on breastfeeding other than it was what I wanted to try to do. I wouldn't have hesitated to switch to formula, I have no bad feelings about it.

I think that for some women it's perhaps they only thing they feel that they have done well and so seek a 'well done' for it. I understand that but don't relate to it. Some women are obsessed with being 'better than' and doing all they can to make other people know it. I can't relate to that either but can read between the lines that other people may not feel 'relevant' without a unique-selling-point-of-motherhood.

Feeding a baby is the important thing. Nothing else about baby-feedling really parallels; the mode is immaterial.

I don't know why some posters are going on about holidays and posting about them. It's really not the same thing at all and you'd have to be spectacularly insensitive to think that being able to fulfil a function of someone's body, or not being able to do so, is anything akin to booking a holiday.

I'm happy for you that you managed to breastfeed as that's what you wanted to do. I don't think you did wrong for posting on your local support group but I think you are perhaps a bit oblivious of the impact to other people hence posting about it here as well. If you're a regular then you will surely know it's a blue-touchpaper topic and it will/already has, become all about breast -v- formula feeding. That's a given really.

Share your pride with those who will want to celebrate your achievements with you, you'll rarely be disappointed. That's what I've found anyway.

People are projecting their feelings onto you. Are we supposed to edit everything we are proud of because it upsets someone else? We all feel inadequate by others social media posts at times, but that’s life! You had a hard time and overcame it, you should be proud. And your post may have inspired others also having a tough time and trying to persevere. Well bloody done!

It’s the being proud of it in a Facebook group that will include others who struggled and feel judged for having FF.

Feels a bit off to me.

Dont post on a public Facebook forum if you only wanted to hear positive comments. Not everyone will applaud you. Nor will they think you should feel PROUD of feeding your kid. As you are simply using your breasts what they are intended for.

Not really a 'proud' achievement. More like a "good on ya" kinda thing. But... some mums that 'failed 'to breastfeed and therefore would feel insecure about your post: they should just scroll along.

I don’t understand why it’s something to be ‘proud’ of!? Everyone is different and everyone does things different for their family. I combi fed and got moaned at by a breastfeeding consultant for bottle feeding at a breastfeeding group even though I was there for advice as I was still breastfeeding throughout the night! She told me it was unfair in others?!? Bloody ridiculous!
You do you and make choices for you and yours but don’t expect others to celebrate your decisions!

Can you not see it isn't the bf, as many of us have done, it's being 'proud' of it

But why wouldn’t she be proud to do something that was tough for her? Am I missing something?!?

I'm a bit on the fence.

Natural to be proud, but OP managed to upset people. We can debate here about why that was, and if and how those people should have expressed their upset, but it remains a fact that she did cause upset.

OP says 3 main reasons for posting in group 'B' was to

• signpost women in group 'B' to group 'C' where she got help,
• to thank group 'C',
• and to say how proud of herself she was.

First one, fine. Helpful. Even with a pic. But personally I think the thanking of group C and the proudness would have been better posted in group C.

I'm slim op, imagine if I posted on FB a selfie with 'proud of my figure Ive worked hard for this, a healthy BMI is best!', don't you think my overweight friends might rightly feel a bit

If you worked really hard to lose weight, then yes, you should be proud and posting pics is not out of the question. If you, as an overweight person, can’t be happy for them, that says a lot about you tbh.

Someone else’s achievements are not your failures.

@peaceanddove

Why would you feel especially proud? You're just feeding your baby good nutrition, as are parents who give their babies quality formula. Breast milk and formula are both packed to the brim with all the essentials a baby needs. It's all good. And I speak as someone who both BF and FF.

Because she’s part of a minority of women in the UK who breastfeed. She’s doing something that most women in the UK don’t or can’t despite facing her own obstacles. If breastfeeding was 90%+ as in other countries/ cultures I would agree with you. While breastfeeding mums are the minority, then it should absolutely be lauded and praised.

@FortunesFave

What a crock. Other Mums don't necessarily WANT to breastfeed and that's perfectly valid. It's not heartbreaking at all.

Whilst that’s true, I think mums who just don’t want to try breastfeeding at all are a statistical minority - I think the majority of women start breastfeeding but then don’t carry on for whatever reason, and that’s more often due to a lack of support, which is sad. Unicef has some info on breastfeeding rates here; they say that 8 out of 10 women stop before they want to: www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/about/breastfeeding-in-the-uk/

Someone else’s achievements are not your failures.

Absolutely. And this thinking doesn’t win out in other areas, so why it’s interpreted like this when it comes to BFing, I don’t know.

*I'm slim op, imagine if I posted on FB a selfie with 'proud of my figure Ive worked hard for this, a healthy BMI is best!', don't you think my overweight friends might rightly feel a bit

If you worked really hard to lose weight, then yes, you should be proud and posting pics is not out of the question. If you, as an overweight person, can’t be happy for them, that says a lot about you tbh.

Someone else’s achievements are not your failures.*

ExACTly Mango. I am a fatty, not happily, and one of my favourite timewastes is to go on weight loss forum 'success story' threads to read about people who have managed to do what I haven't! I find it motivating and I enjoy their satisfaction in their own success. Why the hell wouldn't I? And yes I am very unhappy about my fatness, have tried and failed to get slim, and I do feel very judged by society that I haven't managed it. And yet, oddly, other people managing to do what I have not and being proud of it doesn't make me resent them or post catty responses to their posts. Just bizarre.

Just to throw this idea in but as a mum who tried to bf but couldn't there are mums out there who look down on you if you bottle feed and the whole breast is best slogan is everywhere so a lot of us mums do feel shamed and you don't sound this way at all but there are threads/photos out there that are a bit " in better than you" trust me it does happen so I think some bottle feeding mums can get a bit sick of seeing breast feeding stories in our faces all over social media. Just to show the other side of the story but as for you you don't sound like you did anything wrong xx

Well I am probably not going to be popular on here but I think its a great achievement and those in the group that don't think so can bugger off and stop projecting their own insecurities.

As a mum who breastfed for 8 months I know how hard it can be and to be honest formula feeding is a much easier option but the fact u stuck with it is definately something to be proud of. I was to. I don't have a problem with formula feeding, my LO was put onto formula just before I went back to work so its not a case of breast vs formula.

I was part of a baby group, there was 10 of us and I was the only one that kept breastfeeding past 4 weeks. Everyone of them said what a great job I had done and I am still very proud of doing it. I think the audience you had are probably just miserable with what they have going on. Take no notice and continue to be proud of yourself

[quote Monkeynuts18]@mrsBtheparker

If you feel 'proud' what does that make those who can't/don't want to breast-feed, 'ashamed'? Seems an odd word to use in this context, it makes a judgement of others that is not necessarily justified.

But it doesn’t though. At all. One person’s success is not another person’s failure.

I ran a half marathon a couple of years ago. I’m really proud of that. Are you ashamed because you didn’t run a half marathon (I don’t know if you did but just for argument’s sake)? No of course you’re not, I expect you couldn’t care less. My success at running a half marathon is not your failure to run a half marathon.[/quote]
yes! this! This this this! Breastfeeding is a physical commitment and there are phases along the way that can be really challenging. In other ways, of course, it is perhaps easier than formula feeding. I get that it's a really emotive subject but I wish that it were possible to be proud of it without implying that others have failed.

I'd be thrilled if I ever managed to pass my bloody driving test, but when others manage it (especially in their 30s) I am happy for them, knowing what hard work it is - I don't take their success as a slight on me. OTOH, I am generally pretty quiet in social situations about writing career because I know lots of people would like to complete and publish books, but it's a hard thing to do and much depends on circumstances beyond our control. So yes I think there is a time and a place to express pride in one's own achievements - it's not a level playing field.

OP, I don't think you did anything wrong really but I'd suggest finding a supportive breastfeeding group who will appreciate your journey and not be offended by it. The Can I Breastfeed In It facebook group is useful and also really positive and supportive.

I bottle fed (by choice) my first, bottle fed my second because she didnt take to breast and i wasnt that fussed and was happy to bottle feed and breast fed my 3rd for 8 weeks. I find the whole breast vs bottle thing bizarre and literally do not care about anyone elses choice or feeding story so would probably have rolled my eyes at your post and ignored it.

Your not unreasonable to feel proud of yourself, you are unreasonable to post what sounds like a gushing look how wonderful i am to be feeding my baby post complete with picture on a public group where other women who may have been through their own journey from hell and not been able to overcome the issues would read it.

One of my proudest achievements is passing my driving test. I found learning to drive the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I took double the amount of lessons as everyone I know and I failed my first test but I got there in the end.
Some people take to driving like a duck to water and find it really simple. Some people never learn to drive. Neither of these groups of people have any impact on how I feel about my achievement.
If I was part of a Facebook group for people who are learning to drive, some of them really struggling with it, I don’t think it would be outrageous to post a photo of me after passing my test.
OP, you are not responsible for these women being unable or unwilling to breastfeed. Don’t let them manipulate your happiness into being a negative.

Why should society reward them with praise and kudos for doing something completely run-of-the-mill?

Well, part of it is that breastfeeding isn’t run-of-the-mill at all, from a statistical point of view - see the UNICEF link above. (Although, that said, I don’t think that praising BFing mothers will help improve those figures - what’s needed is proper professional support).

And if you’ve done it then I’m surprised you’d call it run-of-the-mill - you must have had a very, very positive experience. It really isn’t run-of-the-mill in itself - sustaining another human being with your own body for hours and hours every day, sometimes up to 5 hours in one stretch, while you’ve got stitches either in your vagina or your stomach, is really quite tough. Add leaking, blocked ducts, mastitis, thrush, bleeding nipples and/or failure to gain weight into the mix, and it’s tougher still.

It is ok to be proud of anything but it is a choice you made, others choose differently, or they might not have a choice and they may all be equally proud of themselves.

Probably best to just get on with it without feeling the need to document it.

See IMO the analogies with mountain climbing and running marathons ect. just aren't quite right. Nor with anything that is a hobby done for pleasure. These things wont have the potential for emotional load which the carrying and then responsibility of feeding a new baby has.

(Apols to anyone still feeling tearful or guilty that they couldn't get up a mountain years after the event!)

you are unreasonable to post what sounds like a gushing look how wonderful i am to be feeding my baby post complete with picture on a public group where other women who may have been through their own journey from hell and not been able to overcome the issues would read it.

To go into a group for women who had wanted to breastfeed but could not and post about being proud of breastfeeding would be horrible behaviour, to post in a mainstream parenting group about being proud of being able to overcome enormous challenges to breastfeed is not the same thing at all. Why is op not allowed to celebrate something she worked so hard for?

Mind you, more than once I have been given shit for saying how glad I was that I was able to have the births I wanted- apparently that, too, insults women who had other kinds of birth. Do a lot of people view life as some sort of giant competition and assume that when someone says "I did this, I am really proud of myself" that they really mean "you didn't do this, you should be really ashamed of yourself"?

A bit off topic but I do remember accidentally offending someone about it once. I had a very newborn and it was one of our first times out and somebody I didn't know admired her and then said "are you breastfeeding?" I said "yes" and then she said abruptly "well, my sister had a baby and really wanted to and couldn't". I wondered why ask but didn't know what to say so blurted out I was lucky to have support at which point she said her sister was a nurse so it obviously wasn't that and many women just can't and looked really offended

I suppose my answer was a little clumsy maybe but I was at a loss as to what to say and wouldn't have brought up the feeding voluntarily! It's very frustrating

@Rainraincomeback

A bit off topic but I do remember accidentally offending someone about it once. I had a very newborn and it was one of our first times out and somebody I didn't know admired her and then said "are you breastfeeding?" I said "yes" and then she said abruptly "well, my sister had a baby and really wanted to and couldn't". I wondered why ask but didn't know what to say so blurted out I was lucky to have support at which point she said her sister was a nurse so it obviously wasn't that and many women just can't and looked really offended

I suppose my answer was a little clumsy maybe but I was at a loss as to what to say and wouldn't have brought up the feeding voluntarily! It's very frustrating

I had this so many times too!