To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

I don't like anyone being "proud" of anything. It's patronising

What? Who is being patronised by someone saying "I'm proud I ran a marathon" or whatever.

Absolutely fair enough to feel proud. One of my dc was in NICU and tube fed for weeks - now that was damn hard work to establish and maintain bf, having to pump regularly and then deliver milk daily to the hospital after I’d been discharged (60 miles round trip) and then having to get dc able to feed directly from the breast. However despite my personal pride I wouldn’t dream of posting a photo and proclaiming how proud I am on any sort of forum. There’s no need apart from anything else- you don’t need approbation from others and as for being grateful to those who’ve supported you, well, I think a personal thank you is so much better than a public display of gratitude.
It could also upset others who aren’t able to bf too. But to be honest my main reason for not doing it is simply that it’s not necessary. Achievements don’t count more just because they’re announced online

I've long thought that motherhood is mainly a big competition<

motherhood or parenthood? I think the point of this thread is that it shouldn't be and we, both mums and dads, shouldn't take everything other parents say as a personal attack or shaming. Its not a competition. We can share stuff, support each other and not need to make other peoples choices or successes as any reflection on our own. Motherhood is what got us all here, there is no need to denigrate it at all.

Feeling proud means to get pleasure or satisfaction from something one did. That's it. It has fuck all to do with anyone else. Making someone else's satisfaction about you says more about you than them.

It does not mean to look down on others, it does not mean that people don't recognize luck is part of it, it doesn't mean anyone thinks they're better than someone else.

Some may someone else is acting proud to mean arrogant, but that's not what anyone means when they say that they are proud of anything.

And yes, I've posted about my easy fertility and vaginal births on these forums where there are a lot of people with issues. I've posted about my immigration and living as an American expatriate on forums with people who've struggled to immigrate or have had their accounts closed because of FATCA because they're US citizens. I've also read posts of people doing amazing strength training, something I haven't been able to do in years due to a medical condition, that doesn't mean any of those people should get less pleasure or satisfcation from what they do or feel they shouldn't post it on an open forum or group because some of us can't do it. That's nonsense.

You are doing what women since the start have done, you shouldn't need pats on the back, likes or a medal.
Quite right, women should just toil away raising humans without any reward or joy or sense of accomplishment. Dads, on the other hand...

Other mums are saying horrid things because deep inside they wish they could have had a better experience- so many mums don’t get enough support with breastfeeding it’s heartbreaking

What a crock. Other Mums don't necessarily WANT to breastfeed and that's perfectly valid. It's not heartbreaking at all.

I’m sorry that happened to you OP. It’s mental that how you feed your baby seems to be such a division. The pack mentality is worrying amongst grown adults.

While at baby groups I was often actively excluded from conversations for FF my daughter, as I live in an area with a very high EBF rate. I imagine the reverse happens in areas with much lower rates. Luckily I have plenty of friends already with little ones, but I can imagine it can be very isolating for many new parents.

Breastfeeding doesn’t make you a saint. Formula feeding doesn’t make you the devil. No teacher can ever spot which child was fed in which way, so let’s all just be kind.

I think most humans tend to be proud of the things we have had to strive and strive to Achieve

So I can’t see why you can’t be proud
It’s a great achievement bit pair that with being mindful how others can feel v sensitive about it

Same with many other topics really like if you choose to return to work or not etc

Honestly I think you were really inconsiderate. Its like going on an infertility forum and posting how proud you were of conceiving naturally.

Not really, it doesn't sound like OP posted on a site specifically for women who wanted to breastfeed but couldn't, which would be the equivalent of talking about being proud of conceiving naturally on an infertility forum.

when I had my first I struggled to feed him, mastitis, extreme pain, he wouldn't latch on properly. I spent a fortune on a private breast feeding counsellor and NCT plus the hospital feeding specialist were involved too. i felt totally useless that whatever I tried nothing worked. So, OP I'm sure it is lovely for you to be feeding so well and feeling so proud but if I had seen your post I'd have been very upset by it and even more of a failure. I would not have been pleased for you at all, because it would have seemed so unfair.

Quite right, women should just toil away raising humans without any reward or joy or sense of accomplishment

None of that needs to be external though.
Women have kids because they want to. Why should society reward them with praise and kudos for doing something completely run-of-the-mill?

My kids haven't got a dad. Should I be offended because others post up happy things about their kids with their dads? That's insensitive right? After all, I think my children should have the same. Or doesn't that count? And if not, why not.

If someone posted in a facebook group about their kids dad being so amazing and wonderful and supportive, complete with photos, when others had been posting that their kids were struggling not having a father, then I would expect the person to get some negativity, yes.

If that person put on their own Facebook wall that their kids dad was amazing compete with photo, I would expect them to get some positivity.

I think the point of this thread is that it shouldn't be and we, both mums and dads, shouldn't take everything other parents say as a personal attack or shaming. Its not a competition. We can share stuff, support each other and not need to make other peoples choices or successes as any reflection on our own.

I'd like it to be like this.
But, sadly, it isn't.

I wouldn’t comment anything horrible but I don’t really think there is anything to be proud about feeding your child.

The thing is that when your baby is still little you are speaking to like-minded people who all have the same aim - to nurture their babies, so when you smugly point out that you’re proud of being able to feed your baby those who will have struggled will feel criticised, and not necessarily because of what you said, but because of the militant breastfeeders who insist that it should be breast or nothing. There was even a thread on here some years back entitled “formula is junk food,” which some people actually agreed with.

But once you reach the age of no longer breastfeeding, and almost certainly by the time your baby goes to school, literally no-one will care how they were fed. In the same way that when you look at your teenager tucking into a Burger King and fries nobody is going to care that they ate nothing but fruit and veg when they were weaned.

You fed a baby. Big deal. We’ve all fed babies, it’s what you’re supposed to do with them.

Why should society reward them with praise and kudos for doing something completely run-of-the-mill?
All right there, Mr Bumble. Because... it’s... nice?

Motherhood is tough, why not give each other praise and support and virtual high fives? What a dizzying utopian vision, what starry-eyed pie-in-the-sky dreams.

I'm very proud of you @TheatreJunkie84 even if other people are throwing their insecurities on you.
Just because one person can't do it doesn't mean you shouldn't be proud you could. I never wanted to go to University but I don't shit on people have degrees?! I don't own my own home but I'm not angry at those who have managed it. Bloody good for them I say! Well done!

I only managed to successfully 100% breastfeed one out of three children. Had numerous issues with DD1 because it hurt like a bitch and I was new. I was exhausted. I was inexperienced. I was in agony. I felt some pride actually managing to get to 6m combi feeding.

DD2 was all boob no formula at all. Fed til 21m when she self weaned as I was pregnant.

Failed with DS because of tongue tie which the doc refused to fix because "formula is readily available and I feel that perhaps your breastfeeding ideals don't align with what's best for your son". He said cos DS could drink from a bottle and I never got good results pumping I obviously wasn't making enough milk.

Dickhead. Pumping is nothing like nursing a baby. My DD2 was a hella chunky monkey on my Breastmilk alone.

Be proud OP. Good for you.

People can feel proud of anything they like. It's posting it on social media that seems odd and tbh a bit attention seeking.

I'm slim op, imagine if I posted on FB a selfie with 'proud of my figure Ive worked hard for this, a healthy BMI is best!', don't you think my overweight friends might rightly feel a bit

@emmylousings

I think you should be VERY PROUD, IMO, (unpopular I know) we pander too much to the idea that breastfeeding is optional and hard, and formula is just as good (it is not). There is lots of scientific evidence to suggest the breastfeeding is linked to longer term health benefits for children in relation to digestive health, obesity. It is part of our 'anything goes' / it's all relative culture that we are to scared to stand up for breastfeeding. I have one nipple but breastfed both my DC's for 2 years and that is one of my proudest achievements. Don't care how much I get flamed.

Well done!. It is good to see mothers BF-ing in 'public' now, not in an ostentatious way, but just quietly and discreetly. I used to find places to BF so tricky if out and about, and used to find quiet parks or whatever.

From the antibodies alone, BF is good -even a month doing it is surely better than none?

Mothers who BF are not ''Show offs'' or ''Attention seekers'' -if they are out for half a day, it is obvious that the baby needs feeding, hence mothers Bf'ing in 'public' places.

They aren't doing it as a ''Look at me, what an Earth Mother I am'' .

I remember the embarrassment of early days, and two scaffolders called out ''There's a breastfeeding mother!''...Because of the dirigibles my size 'A' had become.
I wish I'd had a witty comeback.
I should have said ''Your moobs are bigger than mine, mate!'' but of course only thought of this years later.

I formula fed my first as he was premature in the baby unit for a week and I was only 22 so felt this was the best thing to do, I never felt bad about doing so. I tired breastfeeding with my second, but it just wasn't for me so switched to formula, but again didn't feel bad or useless.
You should be proud OP, this was your journey to get to that point with your child. Try not to let it get to you.

Why would you feel especially proud? You're just feeding your baby good nutrition, as are parents who give their babies quality formula. Breast milk and formula are both packed to the brim with all the essentials a baby needs. It's all good. And I speak as someone who both BF and FF.

None of that needs to be external though.
As a social species, connection to others is a need. Many mothers struggle with the isolation that comes from lack of ability to discuss the pains and triumphs of parenting with others. Why make it harder than it needs to be by pushing mothers to isolate further?

Women have kids because they want to. Why should society reward them with praise and kudos for doing something completely run-of-the-mill?
While an ideal, the first statement is not true for all mothers and it never has been. Also, society rewards all sorts of common behaviours because that's how society works - incentivising and disincetivising behaviours is how societies across all social species function.

Breastfeeding is incentivised where there is medical and personal support, and disincentivised by people being shitty and difficulty in doing so with other commitments and lack of facilities.
Formula feeding is incentivised where there is medical and social support and the need for other commitments particuarly work and disincentivised by people being shitty and lack of facilities in some places.

All of us deal with shitty people and while people may find photos cringey, they support others. In an open baby group, feeding of all type should be expected to be represented.

Having babies is run of the mill? Your friendly reminder this is a parenting forum! Its actually hard, rewarding, wonderful, terrifying, thankless, scary and much more. It is also necessary for human survival. Its a big fucking deal to have a baby and its a big deal to breastfeed it too. Its amazing what women bodies can do. There is every reason to celebrate and be grateful for all the things our bodies can do.

why are people unable to get it into their heads that the OP feels proud because she had a rough journey and is proud of herself for carrying on and getting to that point. why are people so arrogant as to think that any time someone posts about breastfeeding it is a slight at them. get over yourselves

Why would you feel especially proud?< that is literally what the thread is about. Did you not read it? The OP struggled a lot and is proud and thankful she got there in the end. People can feel proud of whatever they want. Why shouldn't she be proud, is the question. The only reason I see here is jealousy, shame and misogyny. I reject all three as valid reasons.