To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

a lot of people who’d lost the ability to run

It is not the same. The british population is not unique globally in being physically unable to bf. We just dont do it.other countries manage to have 90+ % of people
bf. It's a skill and a cultural thing we dont promote and which is less compatible with our social norms in a western lifestyle.

We (collectively/culturally) make establishing breastfeeding much harder than it needs to be (due to lack of support to the mother, and attitudes inculcated through decades of a formula feeding culture), shame women when they don't breastfeed (or stop bf) as not matching up to some ideal of motherhood, shame women who do bf when they are proud of it and when they (horrors) do it in public. The root of it all is misogyny.

Persevering through a difficult bf experience is an achievement, one of which you are rightly proud. The feelings of those who took a different route, had a different experience, are absolutely valid too. But bf is the optimum for a baby, in many ways we don't yet understand as well as those we do, and I think on balance if we make it a taboo achievement, we will not be helping the current situation (in which the odds are still stacked considerably against established and sustained bf, as some PPs have described) and ultimately public health. In fact, we will, in the long run, be helping those who subsequently may find bf easier because of an overall increase in visibility and confidence around it.

I think the marathon comparison is a good one. Nobody would suggest we avoid celebrating that because others can't, or choose not to, run.

The issue of online validation culture is a separate one.

*'In fact, we will, in the long run, if we make it ok to talk about bf, be helping those who subsequently may find bf easier because of an overall increase in visibility and confidence around it.'

Although I wouldn't post a picture of it myself I understand why the OP would be sharing this by way of encouragement and thanks for the support.

I remember how hard it was in the beginning, for me bleeding nipples, mastitis, trying to get baby to latch on, baby woke every 30 minutes for about five months and in that time I almost never got a longer stretch than 20 minutes sleep (probably a 2 hour stretch every 2-3 days). To this day nobody has helped me at nights and she's only recently started sleeping through at 2, although she is weaned now (I'm pregnant though and so I'll probably be there again soon!)

I'm glad I was able to and persevered although I agree that if the benefits of more sleep etc had outweighed these then formula may have been better for us (there wasn't really anyone to help anyway though as DH often away).

I never volunteer the information, but I'm often asked and then immediately told how the other person couldn't, it's not that easy for everyone etc etc. It's frustrating because it absolutely has not been easy for me but if I say that I know they'll feel I'm implying they should have tried harder. So I wish they didn't ask.

Not to mention all the bitty comments etc when my DD was 18 months etc and feeding even though I tried to be discreet, even had one relative following us and then trying to make DD laugh while latched which I hate because it's such a bite risk!

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

a lot of people who’d lost the ability to run

It is not the same. The british population is not unique globally in being physically unable to bf. We just dont do it.other countries manage to have 90+ % of people
bf. It's a skill and a cultural thing we dont promote and which is less compatible with our social norms in a western lifestyle.

This is true. A lot of the time it’s the blind leading the blind too - you can’t ever expect to receive good breastfeeding advice, for example, from other women who haven’t even tried it. Women who do breastfeed successfully should be posting about it on SM so other breastfeeding women can have someone to go to for help.

I have three kids. Two I BF, one extended and one I didn’t.

No one will care when they’re in their 20s.

But if I’d seen that in a general baby group when I had one I couldn’t feed it would have really upset me. I’d have Prob left The group. I do think it was insensitive to post in a general baby group.

Some people look to be offended. You should be proud of doing what you can and what works best for your family.

Perhaps we should all agree that whether it be bf or ff, babies are getting an excellent start in life and they will be loved and cared for regardless of how they were fed for the first few months of their lives .

I agree with @Darkstar4855. Breastfeeding is definitely something to proud of and you've done great op.

Those who make negative comments are speaking more about themselves. Breast milk is the best source of nutrition for a baby

YANBU for feeling proud. Your feelings of achievement are your own, and don't need external validation.

YABU for bragging. Very insensitive and tone-deaf.
Would you also brag about how proud you are of getting naturally pregnant for the 4th time, on a forum where people discuss infertility issues?
Or of how proud you are about having had a vaginal birth with no tears and a healthy baby, on a forum where people discuss emergency c-sections, 4th degree tears and still-birth?
"Happy" and "grateful" would be socially acceptable. "Proud" means you're taking full credit for something which is also down to luck (no supply issues?) and looking down on others less fortunate.
You're allowed to feel whatever you want, that doesn't mean it's OK to rub it in other's people face.

And YABU for not understanding the difference between being quietly self-satisfied, and publicly bragging. Why do you seek public validation? People who are truly proud and self-confident don't need pats in the back.

Yanbu some people are twats.
A lot of t people online are looking for a fight.

What on earth does ‘pic do we don’t get lost’ mean? It sounds like a meaningless sentence fragment.

I was just asking what the motivation was. Some people will find a breastfeeding baby picture with a post about how proud they are of themselves goady, no matter the pure intention. I don’t think anyone was saying it shouldn’t be seen.

@CatteStreet that is very eloquently put.

I struggled to BF in the begining, in part because I didn't know where to turn and I was given poor (well intentioned, but wrong) advice by midwives at the hospital. I carried on because of peer support from a local group and advice from friends I knew had breastfed/ were breastfeeding. I only knew they were because they had been open about it. Otherwise I would have been clueless and stopped in the early weeks - even though I didn't want to and I had good supply. If I'd stopped against my choice, I'd have been very upset. And I probably would get a bit upset about breastfeeding posts - but I hope I'd have understood why they were made and their value to others. If I had chosen to FF, of my own choice, I'd have been okay with that - though there is a lot of shame leveled at mums who chose that route.

Go over to a vit d thread and you will be told that breastfeeding mums have to give their baby vitamins on top, whereas bottle fed babies dont need this.

Not rtft but be proud. It can be bloody hard and I suffered all that with all 3 of mine. I fed dd1 until she self weaned at 15 months, dd2 self weaves at 3.5, and ds self weaned last September at 4.5. Yes, I'm proud and the issues that other people have regarding their own experiences or choices won't take that away from me. I view it as my greatest achievement.

@kaiserin breastfeeding is more than just luck. I think that's a point made by a lot of people. It is also often hard work. And OP says she was thanking others for their help. That's not looking down on people. I think you have read in to this something which isn't there.

I understand, however, your point about context and the points about whether it was sensitive or not in that forum. I guess it really depends on the topics discussed in the forum?

So*

Kaiserin: And YABU for not understanding the difference between being quietly self-satisfied, and publicly bragging. Why do you seek public validation? People who are truly proud and self-confident don't need pats in the back.

This is true. A lot of the time it’s the blind leading the blind too - you can’t ever expect to receive good breastfeeding advice, for example, from other women who haven’t even tried it. Women who do breastfeed successfully should be posting about it on SM so other breastfeeding women can have someone to go to for help.

Not necessarily - I’m surrounded by family and friends who successfully breastfed, so when I couldn’t it made me really retreat into myself and was a huge contributing factor to PND. It was difficult to go to groups or to spend time with friends, NCT group etc when they all breastfed. All of them. I gave DD bottles in the car or in bathrooms if I had to be out at a time when she needed a feed. Because I was made to feel so alien and other for formula feeding, and made to feel so ashamed. That didn’t come out of nowhere, it came from the narrative around breastfeeding=good and formula=bad which is widespread and pervasive, particularly in white, middle class slightly older mother circles.

In those early days I wish I could have seen someone like me with a bottle, just once.

If you feel 'proud' what does that make those who can't/don't want to breast-feed, 'ashamed'? Seems an odd word to use in this context, it makes a judgement of others that is not necessarily justified.

Of course not, how ridiculous. People are proud of all sorts of things. Someone could be proud of getting a 1st at uni, doesn't mean they think anyone who didn't get that, or who didn't go to uni, should be "ashamed".

@Kaiserin I don't think the situations you describe are comparable.

For one thing, fertility is largely based on matters outside the woman's control. The OP is proud because she overcame adversity and persevered with something she found hard. There was some luck in that she didn't have supply issues, but actually very few women do. If she'd found breastfeeding easy and hadn't need support, she probably wouldn't be writing a message of gratitude and encouragement.

Equally, she hasn't gone onto a formula feeding group to say it. She's on a baby group. So it's not like going onto an infertility page and discussing her easy natural conception. On a local Facebook page I don't think it would be unreasonable to make a post saying that she was excited to be pregnant with her third and wondered if any other local mums were due at same time for example. But sadly there may be mums on that page experiencing infertility.

It's hard to know where it ends - can you say congratulations to your grandparents on celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary or is that insensitive to those whose own marriage or parents or grandparents marriage has broken down, or those whose grandparents have sadly passed away?

You are doing what women since the start have done, you shouldn't need pats on the back, likes or a medal.

Posting about something so personal to you that other people would have wanted to do, and maybe haven't for whatever reason, along with a photo, could be seen as insensitive.

You can say that about anything. Anything can feel personal if you let it. My kids haven't got a dad. Should I be offended because others post up happy things about their kids with their dads? That's insensitive right? After all, I think my children should have the same. Or doesn't that count? And if not, why not.

I've long thought that motherhood is mainly a big competition.
Little I see on this site dissuades me.

Well done OP, you're right to be proud.
Ignore the permanently offended.
I've never come across any mum being shamed for formula feeding.
I would say there was a pretty even split when mine were babies. We met up and some mum's got bottles out and some of us got our boobs out. Simple.