To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

You're talking about your friends there. These people aren't ops friends, that's the difference.
So it’s ok to be nasty and jealous towards strangers as long as you don’t do it to your friends. Personally I think it’s horrible to treat anyone like that.

So yeah people posting about how great they are because they breastfeed do nothing but make me cry<

Then don't go to baby or mother support groups. You can't emotionally manipulate other Mums because you still feel bad about it. You did your best, you can't do anything more.I suggest talking to someone about it, there's lots of support out there, but the way to deal with it is not to stop other women feeling good about themselves. Find a way to feel good about yourself.

What was your motivation for posting the picture?

So it’s ok to be nasty and jealous towards strangers as long as you don’t do it to your friends. Personally I think it’s horrible to treat anyone like that.

Of course it's not ok, but if you want support and praise then a group of strangers with differing experiences isnt the place.

People who know and love you would be the ones to look to.

@ZoeTurtle

Mean much? You can persevere through these issues without endangering the baby. What gives you the right to call the OP an idiot for knowing what she wanted for herself and her child and going for it?

@Winterwoollies she states it in the OP: to thank others and encourage others struggling to ask for help. Quite clear.

@ZoeTurtle that's the kind of mean thing MN is known for. Name-calling is childish and unnecessary.

I think you should be VERY PROUD, IMO, (unpopular I know) we pander too much to the idea that breastfeeding is optional and hard, and formula is just as good (it is not). There is lots of scientific evidence to suggest the breastfeeding is linked to longer term health benefits for children in relation to digestive health, obesity. It is part of our 'anything goes' / it's all relative culture that we are to scared to stand up for breastfeeding. I have one nipple but breastfed both my DC's for 2 years and that is one of my proudest achievements. Don't care how much I get flamed.

I don’t get it. If you posted saying you’d run a marathon you wouldn’t get a load of grief from people saying you were being unfair because they didn’t or couldn’t run a marathon themselves. And yet being proud of breastfeeding is somehow wrong. Why can’t people be happy for someone else without making it all about themselves and their issues?

@LadyOfTheImprovisedBath

Sometimes breast isn't always best.

I absolutley agree with that but disagree about looking back and cringing.

I went in with a attitude of we'll give this a whirl and see what happens. I got much more serious and determined with time probably in response to the constant undermining by people around me.

I can totally relate to the constant undermining.

If I hadn’t slept, if baby had woken up often, if I wanted a relaxing bath or to eat dinner interrupted, if baby had fed all day and I hadn’t managed to do any housework - all met with “Just give him a bottle”.

It’s almost as if others viewed me as deliberately making work for myself by breastfeeding and having no “right to complain” if I was going to continue.

I did continue though, but I imagine many don’t due to the lack of understanding and support from others.

I think it’s about knowing your audience. Be proud, but might that have been better posted in a group aimed at breastfeeding mums?

I’m on the other side of this and even a few years down the line World Breastfeeding Week and the like put me in a really bad space mentally. That’s not OP’s fault or any other proud breastfeeding mums, it’s restatement to the negative effects of the immense and illogical pressure put on women to breastfeed, by the NHS, the media and society as a whole.

What was your motivation for posting the picture?

Have you never in your life seen the phrase 'pic so we don't get lost'?

Also images of bf are very deficient in society compared to images of bottle feeding. Children grow up bottle feeding their babies because they think that's the only way a baby gets fed. They see baby animals sucking and make no connection with themselves as mammals. This contributes to a culture where breastfeeding is marginalised and unsupported. We need more images of bf.

Have you never in your life seen the phrase 'pic so we don't get lost'?
Nope.

I also think something that gets overlooked is the benefits of bf to the mother. Like that shouldn't matter. The debate about whether bm is objectively better than formula is always prickly and conflicted as the science isn't 'pure' - much of the funding comes from formula companies - so people dismiss the studies that say the opposite of what they want to hear (or formula companies suppress the results of studies that do the same for them).

But there are correlations between mothers who bf and length of time bf and cancer risk reduction; also a correlation between bf and better meaternal mental heatlh outcomes (this is in aggregate and shouldn't affect an individual's own decisions about what will be best for their own MH). Whenever people are sneering at natural term bf and saying 'it's just for the mother's own benefit now' - WHY would that be a bad thing???

Pregnancy is incredibly hard on our bodies. why shouldn't we reap some of the positive outcomes of breastfeeding, for US?

Have you never in your life seen the phrase 'pic so we don't get lost'?
Nope.

Clearly you don't spend much time on FB groups. So... I'd say your ability to comment in an informed way on a post about a FB post might not be right up there?

Well, breast is best. All things being optimal, I don't think that could be disputed. However, if for a myriad of reasons this is not possible then hygienic, quality controlled formula feeding is the best alternative.

Happy, healthy mother and baby is the best outcome. I don't think guilt lends to that.

@Rosebel

I still feel absolutely shit that I failed at breastfeeding. First one no milk until she was 5 days old and then too little to satisfy her. Second baby I did manage for a few weeks but as she always wanted a bottle afterwards it seemed a bit pointless. Third baby was premature only by a few weeks but he lost so much weight in hospital we were told to put him in formula and my supply dried up. So yeah people posting about how great they are because they breastfeed do nothing but make me cry.

I say this kindly bit if other people's feeding choices affect you this badly when you made the decision to do what was best to get your baby feed and growing, you need to not be on Mom groups until you've slight some kind of therapy. I really hope your fine a way to done to terms with making the right decision for your children

I think those that didn’t struggle have absolutely no idea just how hard it is and make us feel like shit.

Why do you think people who bf didnt struggle? My baby was born prem weighing only 1.625kg. She was too small to feed and had a tiny mouth. I pumped. I used nipple shields for 4m. I pumped again when she was hospitalised. Then we had her tongue tie snipped and I fed no shields for a bit. Then I exclusively pumped for 6m. With a baby and a 3year old. It was so. Fucking. HARD.

@VeniceQueen2004

*Have you never in your life seen the phrase 'pic so we don't get lost'? Nope.*

Clearly you don't spend much time on FB groups. So... I'd say your ability to comment in an informed way on a post about a FB post might not be right up there?

Plenty of time on FB groups. Even that Can I Breastfeed In It one. Never been on Instagram though. Is it prevalent there?

@Darkstar4855

I don’t get it. If you posted saying you’d run a marathon you wouldn’t get a load of grief from people saying you were being unfair because they didn’t or couldn’t run a marathon themselves. And yet being proud of breastfeeding is somehow wrong. Why can’t people be happy for someone else without making it all about themselves and their issues?

This. Exactly. Projection, pure and simple. If you have emotional issues attached to your experience, own that and don't take it out on someone else.

I’m in lots of FB groups and I’ve never heard of pic so we don’t get lost.

VeniceQueen, thank you for mentioning the benefits to mothers, its very important but you're right in that it is overlooked or not spoken much about. The endocrine system is a delicate thing and certain things happen for a reason.

If you posted you’d run a marathon in a group that wasn’t specifically about marathon running included a lot of people who’d lost the ability to run, but really really wanted to be able to run marathons, dyou’d expect someone to say well that’s a bit Insensitive.

Oh and agree re the undermining. The number of people who encouraged me to stop bf/stop pumping.... so so many.

Well done OP. Stay proud.

Honestly, the stuff that people are being allowed to be Proud of... things that people can flaunt... but a women can't be proud of breastfeeding?

Dad is allowed to be proud of being dad - with about 5 minutes of contribution sometimes but Mum can't be proud of Bf'ing....