To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

Unfortunately, if a mother can't breastfeed, it's often seen as a failure of some kind. What woman wants to be reminded of the thing she couldn't do that nature told her she should? I was very close to not being able to BF and I can remember saying that if I couldn't do it then I would just have to accept it - it was a complete show because I was devastated at the thought of "failing".

In the end I managed to BF for about 18 months with each child but I haven't ever "promoted" it because it is a kick in the teeth for any mother that couldn't do it and it's a judgement on the mothers that actively chose not to BF.

You might see it as sharing your journey (and we know it will have been bumpy because just about every BF journey is!) but it will always be a "look at how well I've done" post, no matter how well intentioned. You won't get a pat on the back from the women that had no support or had no choice. You'll just make them feel inadequate.

I'll tell you well done because I know it's hard!

Equally it could help others that are struggling with bf to keep going knowing that it wasn't only them struggling. And thats a good thing right? I don't feel the need to be offended or unpleasant about it. Just move on.

I wouldn't be offended either. I breastfed my 6 dc with no problems at all, I was very lucky.

Would I have posted a photo in a group where people may have struggled? No i wouldn't have.

If I wanted people to give me praise, I would share it with those who know and love me.

There was nothing wrong with the post itself, but op chose the wrong place for it. Her own timeline would have been better, the post in the group could have simply given details of the help available in her area.

Well done OP and congratulations! You should be proud.

I think that some bottle feeders perceive that breast feeders look down on them and think they’ve failed. Not true at all IMO. That’s their own feelings of inadequacy peeking through (not that they should feel inadequate, they just seem to). Paranoia springs to mind.
Surely a fed baby (no matter how) is a happy baby and that’s all that matters at the end of the day.

This cartoon from 1984 by Posy Symmonds.:

Posting about something so personal to you that other people would have wanted to do, and maybe haven't for whatever reason, along with a photo, could be seen as insensitive.
I feel that way about foreign holidays. I hope you never post on SM about going on holiday abroad. It's just insensitive

why would it have been okay to post the message and point in the direction of the group but not the picture?? why is it the picture that is particularly offensive? I couldnt imagine feeling offended by someone bottle feeding a baby, why is there so much outrage over the picture?

really weird

I think you really should be proud but I think you chose the wrong group to post in. Had it been a breast feeding group I think your post would have had nothing but positive comments.

In a mum and baby group you will have so many different opinions and experiences. For me, I struggled to breast feed my first and switched to formula after three weeks of battling with nipple shields and top up feeds whilst being quite unwell. If I had read your post then it would have made me feel like I hadn't tried hard enough, that you were saying you're better than me.

Feeding babies brings out all sorts of opinions. You'll have people like me who see themselves as a failure, people who didnt want to do it who think you're saying youre a better mum and people who recognise your efforts and will congratulate you.

Well done for your perseverance!

@Teaplease29 As I said I don't agree with posting pictures on social media that can cause offence when it's a very sensitive subject as we can see from this post.
And as I also said I am a mum to be and in noway am I making mums feel ashamed? Yes BF is a natural thing but my personal opinion Is that i wouldn't plaster it all over social media along with many other things too. yes I agree with posts and pictures in certain support groups where it's private and your genuinely asking for advice. I myself may be BF and again in my opinion its not something I'd share on my personal social media and neither is bottle feeding if I intend to do this aswell. I am very limited to what I share and like my privacy. But I guess we are all different.
There are people out there who post pictures and boast all the time and I guess that's just how it is now but this is my personal opinion.

@MillyMollyFarmer and no I haven't shared one single thing about my journey, no one knows on my social media apart from close friends and family this is due to having a still birth last year and this is probably why I'm now like this about social media.

Sometimes breast isn't always best.

I absolutley agree with that but disagree about looking back and cringing.

I went in with a attitude of we'll give this a whirl and see what happens. I got much more serious and determined with time probably in response to the constant undermining by people around me.

Bit tactless to put it on a baby group where there will be those who struggle with guilt over not BF Tbh.

Be proud of whatever you like.

But if you're going to be vocal about being proud of something in a public space you do have to accept some people are going to think you're a bit of a tit (pun not intended).

You have the right to be proud, they have the right to point out that it could be insensitive.

I failed to bf after a really, really hard week of trying I did give up, so you absolutley have my admiration for getting through the hard times. I understand why some ff mums feel crap, i did a bit myself, but that was more to do with my (now Ex) partner called me a fat fucking moron for failing to do it, said he would have tried harder than I did and said he'd have ripped his tits off for her. All while pissed up having a rant at me.

Ah good memories!!

I feel that way about foreign holidays. I hope you never post on SM about going on holiday abroad. It's just insensitive

I don't. If I did I would post on my timeline and not in a group of people who may be struggling with money worries I would find a specialist foreign holiday group.

why would it have been okay to post the message and point in the direction of the group but not the picture?

Because that's the line where it turns from wanting to help other people find help, into wanting praise for herself imo. Its absolutely fine, we all need to be told we are doing great sometimes, but choose your audience. If you want support then look to the people in your life who are supportive, and not random people who may have had struggles with the same thing.

@ZoeTurtle well just a little mean. Calling me an idiot for breastfeeding? I combi-fed when he wasn't putting on weight, sorted the tongue tie when it proved an obstacle, and sought help form my peer supporters when his latch wasn't great. How is persevering through that idiotic?

Posting about something so personal to you that other people would have wanted to do, and maybe haven't for whatever reason, along with a photo, could be seen as insensitive
Nonsense. People need to get over themselves and stop being jealous. I wanted to buy a house and couldn’t, but I didn’t kick off when more fortunate friends posted photos of their new homes. I wanted to travel but couldn’t afford it, yet I still managed not to make nasty comments about friends’ holiday photos. When I was pregnant I wanted a girl and had a boy, but I didn’t hate my friend who had a girl. It’s not ok to be jealous and nasty about anything, including breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding for me was literally the hardest job in the world. Relentless, exhausting, baby was never off me, difficult to get him to latch, difficult to get him to stay on, I cried, he cried, boobs were sore, painful, I felt like a complete fucking failure and so anxious on top of it because I was worried he wouldn't drink/wasn't getting enough. I literally cracked after 6 weeks and went to bottle.

I felt so bad - like a failure for "giving up" and feelings of guilt thrown in for good measure. It was a rocky start to the first baby for sure. But even in the depths of my negative experience and the feelings surrounding it I would never be nasty towards a woman who had successfully breastfed her baby. That's just projection, pure and simple. It's a classic case of "I can't do it & you've made me feel like crap because of your success so I'm going to swing for you."

Hats off to anyone who masters it (and maintains it for a sustained period of time.) You have done very well. You should rightly, be proud of yourself.

Why are people talking like it was a FF group? If so then of course it's insensitive. Is BFing not part of being a parent for some anymore?

Nonsense. People need to get over themselves and stop being jealous. I wanted to buy a house and couldn’t, but I didn’t kick off when more fortunate friends posted photos of their new homes. I wanted to travel but couldn’t afford it, yet I still managed not to make nasty comments about friends’ holiday photos. When I was pregnant I wanted a girl and had a boy, but I didn’t hate my friend who had a girl. It’s not ok to be jealous and nasty about anything, including breastfeeding.

You're talking about your friends there. These people aren't ops friends, that's the difference.

You could have done this by posting a review. It didn’t need a picture of you feeding.

While true, this thread has shown it doesn't really need to have a picture for people to view others discussing breastfeeding as judgemental, cringe, or idiotic.

Also, pictures tend to improve reviews, people feel more connected with them, and facebook's algorithm means a post with a photo is far more likely to actually be seen by a group than one without. While not needed, it could be of benefit.

And heaven forfend we actually prefer when people say nice and neutral things rather than nasty ones. The OP clearly says some of the comments were people posting their own stories of peer support so it wasn't all praise and compliments or ~validation~.

YANBU!! Breastfeeding rates are incredibly low in the UK so people that formula feed are the majority. You've done an amazing job persevering against the odd and you should be incredibly proud. I think people need to share breastfeeding post more to help normalise it so I think you're post was a lovely thing to do. I'm sorry to hear that your other mums were so unkind to you.

I still feel absolutely shit that I failed at breastfeeding. First one no milk until she was 5 days old and then too little to satisfy her. Second baby I did manage for a few weeks but as she always wanted a bottle afterwards it seemed a bit pointless. Third baby was premature only by a few weeks but he lost so much weight in hospital we were told to put him in formula and my supply dried up.
So yeah people posting about how great they are because they breastfeed do nothing but make me cry.

@AlviesMam- and no I haven't shared one single thing about my journey, no one knows on my social media apart from close friends and family this is due to having a still birth last year and this is probably why I'm now like this about social media.

So sorry about your previous loss, its hard losing a baby I know. It maybe is why you have some concerns around social media. But you could literally object to anything being posted if your sole concern is to not make others feel bad, jealous or whatever.... everything we do and post could be seen in a negative/annoying light by someone and posting about your own life is what FB groups are for, to share and support. I don't want to seem insensitive, but this is really your issue and you're projecting it onto another mum which is uncool to me.

@Noneformethanks

Bit tactless to put it on a baby group where there will be those who struggle with guilt over not BF Tbh.

See I don't get this. I've been on baby groups with my eldest - tube fed then bottle fed then tube fed. I never once felt bad when someone else posted a bf or ff picture. If they'd said "omg I'm so much better then you bottle feeders" then yeah but just a "aww cute pic" or "I'm so proud of myself" wouldn't have offended. It's a really weird way to live your life to assume that other owners achievements are about you. I then bottle fed the twins after 6 weeks of pumping. Again, lots of posts on the baby group about bf, none of them are able me or reflect on my experience or choice. Not even the other twin mom's who bf. It isn't a person affront if seoje else has lost the baby weight, or their 5 year old eats ice cream (sensory issues).

If to read other people's achievements as being about you, you need to come off am and seek help

I really hope that one day you get to experience the same level of pride I feel every day when I think about what I've gone through. Because honestly - I will ALWAYS feel proud. And some MN keyboard warrior is never going to to change that

Very glad you aren’t letting the negativity get you down. As PP said, your success isn’t anyone else’s failure.

It’s their issue not yours. They’re just taking it out on you. Don’t feel bad about it. You’re doing a wonderful thing xx