TLDR: My SiL got banned from the country we live in, after she tried to release my address (I have a senior position in a diplomacy/security related field) as she was upset that her son has said he wants to stay with us for longer. AIBU to not exert energy trying (and probably failing) to reverse the decision?
My SiL and I have never been close friends, and I concede that after some bad experiences with her joining dinner parties and family events we hosted (going into our bedroom, refusing to talk to any guests, turning up hours late, leaving hours early, asking to be invited an hour beforehand and requiring menu changes, bad mouthing me, making demands on DH, storming out and screaming) I did stop inviting her. This caused tension between DH and I early on in the relationship, but eventually he came to accept that we don’t have much in common and he has seen for himself that she has been repeatedly and outrageously rude. As such, we don’t do the ‘big family get togethers’ and we don’t know each other very well. Most of our communication goes through DH, and her requests for money are usually denied by him before they get to me. Unfortunately, over the years, she has told my DH and MiL that she finds me to be snooty, overpaid and selfish with money, having ideas above my station, feels like I’ve taken over the family etc. I’m usually not too bothered, and have never hit back with my own opinions beyond my DH, I just would prefer not to engage in the drama over someone I’ve seen a few times in five years.
SiL has a son, he’s a young adult, who she has fallen out with. She has some mental health issues that have worsened after her fashion business failed. We don't know precisely what these issues are, so as not to drip feed. It seems like home became pretty unhappy for my DN, and he asked to come and stay with either my MiL or us, and as my MiL lives in another country and doesn’t have much ability to support him - he came to us (in another country too). I work away, and so only see my family 10 out of the month, but always support him/include him when I’m there, and I know my DH does the same. We make sure he has money, given he can’t work in the country we live, have helped him look at education/business ideas for his next step, and he’s been great in terms of our two children. We haven’t asked how long he will stay, especially given the pandemic, and we’re quite happy for him to stay as long as he would like. He seems to be happy and settled. As it transpires, he recently told my SiL that he doesn’t intend on returning home to see her when flights reopen.
She has not taken this well, and has been sending me abusive emails that are quite explicit, insulting and harsh. In them, she explains that I have stolen her mum, her brother and her son, and left her with nothing. She has said that my children will hate me when they grow up and see me for who I am, and the best thing I can do for her family is to stay at work permanently. I have never replied to these emails, and when she got no response, she began calling DH screaming and crying about how he’s let me hurt her, and how betrayed she feels as his sister. This came to a head when she threatened to reveal my address on the internet. Due to the nature of my work, this isn’t appropriate, and could put my family in danger. As such, I reported this to my workplace who made a formal report to the police. It has since been decided to ban her from entering the country. I had no influence on this decision, it was entirely independent from me.
My DH agrees that I had to report this, as he is also concerned about our children, but the result of the report he feels is very harsh as she will not be able to visit at any point in the future. These bans are never reversed. He would like me to try and have this lifted, if she promises not to continue with the threats and commits to not releasing our personal information. This is particularly important to him, as he thinks she will go to his dad if she finds out (parents are divorced) and he’ll get a hard time from him. I think we can’t trust her to credibly commit to anything, the relationship is beyond fixing, and ultimately the government made a decision based on their own security preferences to ban her from the country. My SiL hasn’t been informed of the ban yet. My DN doesn’t know about this either, and my concern is for how he will react should he find this out. Advice on how to broach this would be well received.
Post edited by MNHQ