Is my mum being unfair giving cash for university for grandchildren but not the others

[Valerievalerie]

My parents have 9 GC , half of them very high achievers, we are talking all A* , oxbridge standard

They all started going to uni last year . Mum told me that she had given a sum to my nephew as it is nice to have some money when away . First of all it is important to say that I’m absolutely not the type of person who keeps a tally and I indeed agree that it’s lovely to have a bit extra .

Now I have 3 daughters , all similar ages to my sisters children who have not gone to university, there are various mild SEN , and they just aren’t academic, The most academic out the 3 still failed half their GCSEs and has now told me that they don’t want to go to college or Uni .

Sisters second child is about to go off in September and my other sister also has a son going next year , so mum is telling me that they will need to give them the same .
Now because my oldest DD was 21 recently they were given £500 from my parents
This was of course very generous and she said she will give the same to my middle DD who is 21 next year
My youngest DD would have been going to college next year or the year after . Now I think it would be unfair to give my youngest £1000 like the cousins just for going to Uni . I feel like it is penalising for not being clever enough to go on to study . This may not happen anyway as she says she might just get a job instead.

I said to my mum last night that I didn’t think she should treat the grandchildren differently

She was quite shocked and said it was because when you go away from home you need all the help that you can get .

Now I was the one growing up who was not academic and I scraped 2 GCSEs , much like my children and my sisters were very clever and it has brought back all my feelings of inadequacy.
Ive always been envious of people who are clever , as brains are much admired in my family, and I was keenly aware of this growing up .
I know I’m thick and it’s awful seeing my children suffer at school like I did , and watch every one else in the family recipe I g endless A graded .

I was loved just the same but i have always felt like I was a disappointment.

Now I’m going through the same with my children and it stings . My middle daughter works very hard in a minimum wage job , does she deserve less because she didn’t go to Uni ?

I said to mum on the phone that it wasn’t about the money , and it really isn’t . It’s about feeling that brains are rewarded and another reminder about my feelings as a failure.
She said that it was about the money . It really isn’t . We are not short of money .

My mum has always been generous and has given all of us money for various things .
She really doesn’t play favourites so is baffled why I feel like this .

It is really hard watching other teens happily off to Uni , my oldest especially feels down about all her friends going wishing she could.

I have never discussed how I feel with my DC btw, Ive always felt embarrassed about how I feel and would never openly admit it , I try hard to play to their strengths and give them confidence.

So not sure what I should say to mum .
I think that I just want her to acknowledge how I felt second best and how hard it is growing up in a family of geniuses when you aren’t .
I might seem like I’m being really childish and grabby but I honestly am not.

My mum is always so proud of their academic abilities, my daughter was finally awarded a pass for GCSE English this week with the grades fiasco and had failed it twice already . I didn’t even tell mum as sisters daughter was given all As for A level a couple of weeks ago .
I can’t bring myself to tell her about our grade 4 pass .

@eeeyoresmiles

Yanbu. The ones going to uni will most likely earn a lot more over their lifetime, so over the long term they actually probably need the money less. It's really shortsighted only to help the ones who go off to be students as opposed to all grandchildren equally. Any of them might benefit from a 'leaving home' gift to help support them at a point when they start to become responsible for paying their own bills, and the ones who don't go to uni shouldn't feel any less deserving of that help (and with this, they will).

500 isn't going to go far. They need it now for these expenses. OP's children don't have these expenses now. They are still loving with her so what do they need that money for?

My father has given money to GC. He gave the same amount. However, it wasn't just given . If GC go to uni, the money hoes to uni. If the GC decides not to go, then a viable option is asked for. For example, my nephew wanted to open a business with 2 partners. He managed to get most of the money, my father then gave him the money saved for him. The experience of setting up a business was considered just as valuable. Perhaps seein that it is not a reward for being a top student, but how people find just as valuable paths.

You say that your DDs are not academic, but there are many paths. For you, it is about the money and your insecurity. Even as you discuss your dds, you are negative about them. Academic s is not everything. How you see the world is.

I think yabu tbh, it's like her agreeing to contribute to any weddings, then you and your siblings complaining that the non married gc didn't get anything, or that it's not fair because it makes the non married dc feel inadequate. If she agreed to buy a car for any gc that pass their driving test, would you complain about the gc that can't drive not getting a car?

It's her money, and up to her how she spends it, and in this case she isn't playing favourites or being unfair. I wouldn't say you have to be clever to go to uni, just that it helps/makes the process easier. GCSE's and A-levels are hard and a lot of effort goes into achieving good results. A girl in my class was dyselxic but worked damn hard, and got much better results than me (I was totally unmotivated and in a bad place mentally at the time). I sort of get the feeling you're downplaying the work the "clever" dc in the family put in, studying, coursework etc? And I agree with your mum, going off to live alone at that age is hard, and I think it's really thoughtful of her to give them cash to help/as a sort of reward.

It does read like you're taking this personally because of your own feelings of inadequacy. You say your family love you, you need to love yourself too! And you're probably not thick (you seem much too self aware for a start), just not academic, very different.

not given for a specific need though because the grandmother hasn't ascertained that there is a specific need. She is just giving the money to those that go to university. Not everyone who goes to university needs extra cash beyond loans or what their parents give them. They certainly don't need money for drinks.

Maybe need was the wrong word, but I can assure you that most Uni students are going to have an initial outlay of costs at the start of Uni that teenagers who aren't leaving home and there is nothing wrong with the grandparents offering them a gift of cash to help offset those costs.

I was given £250 by my grandparents specifically to help cover the initial outlay of buying everything I needed for university such as the iron my mother insisted I buy and take but in 3 years I used about twice and to help with those little costs that you dont think of when you start university - locker rentals, paying for photos for your student ID, sign up fees for clubs/groups, course specific materials (eg I did a course that included lab sessions so I had to purchase a lab coat/safety glasses), memberships to the uni sports facilities etc.

A grandparent is allowed to give their grandchild a specific sum of money for a specific reason - spending money for a holiday, to help buy a first car, as a contribution towards a wedding/house deposit etc - without having to also give every other grandchild the same cash at the same time. Gifting a student some cash when they go away to university is no different.

As for the drinking comment, it was meant that they can give their grandchil the money for whatever reason they like, they cannot control what the grandchild chooses to use it for. They may even tell the grandchild to use the money to do something fun and enjoy themselves to ensure they weren't 100% focussed on studying and work.

YABU What your Mum gives to anyone is not for you to decide, it is her money to do with how she wants...

You are mixing your feelings of what you think is an inadequacy in knowledge/exams from your past into the present because your children have followed in your footsteps.

Time to act like an adult!

Please don’t feel inadequate because you don’t deem yourself “academically gifted” Social constructs are designed to reinforce certain ideas. How easy it is to feel like less when the world is designed that way.

Spend less time worrying about what you don’t have and focus on what you do. We spend too much time living with regret, disappointment etc. Life has so much more meaning.

Sounds like you’ve done a great job with your girls. Be proud and unapologetic.

@Exilecardigan it is exciting and definitely worth a mention if X did really well and got into Oxbridge but surely it is equally exciting and worth a mention if Y, who has special needs, gets a job in a supermarket. Both have achieved to the best of their abilities.

My oldest child, who is grown up, has significant special needs and attended a special school. We encouraged them to the best of their abilities and, of course, gave them plenty of opportunities, there were still many times when we saw how other children were growing up and achieving and, while we were naturally pleased for them, it could still give us pangs of "what if?" This was never more so than on GCSE results day (our child did not even take them).
OP, you are taking your childhood feelings of inferiority and that you were not "good enough." You know this, though. Perhaps your parents were not good at expressing how they felt about you but l am sure they love you as much as your more academic siblings. It might well be that they are more protective over you because you have struggled. You are very obviously not "thick" and have overcome a shaky start. Would you be in a position to take an open university degree? Then you could prove to yourself (most importantly) and others that you can achieve academically. As for your children, it sounds as if they have done well themselves and I'm sure they will be alright. Please don't compare yourself and your children unfavourably with your siblings and their cousins. Everyone has a place in society.

She's helping when a need occurs. It's maybe not entirely 'fair' by the rules of the nursery. But it's a reasonable decision, and it's the one she's decided to take.

I also see your POV but uni costs a fortune and that money will barely make a dent whereas your daughter is presumably living at home and able to do something more useful with the money than put it towards rent/food.

I don’t necessarily think your view is wrong though. I suspect my parents in that situation would want to financially gift my children exactly the same amount regardless of whether they went to uni or not.

Yes it’s not about the money it’s about you feeling that your children are less valued because they’re not academic. But lots of people value academia, uni is expensive and it’s up to her what she does with her money.
YABU

@Frazzled2207

I don’t necessarily think your view is wrong though. I suspect my parents in that situation would want to financially gift my children exactly the same amount regardless of whether they went to uni or not.

My parents would and are. DS1 is very academic and will definitely go to Uni in two years. DS2 has learning difficulties and I feel is more likely to do an apprenticeship or something similar. My parents have been saving for both, and each will get equal regardless of what they do

You say you were.loved as a child yet felt inferior to your siblings. This is an issue you need to tackle. Your parents are being kind. I reward my nephew's and nieces academic achievement. It is because we want them to do well in life and get a good job. I treated my nephew who is sporty to a pair of expensive fins for his hobby when he reached the England team. It is not just academic achievement but high achievement of any kind be it sport, music, drama or art.

I get you OP it’s really hurtful.
It’s the opposite in my family. Dsis works part time in a supermarket by choice her dc are 18, 16 and 14. Her husband also only works part time so isn’t financially supportive.
I went to uni ( self funded) and now have A good ish job but have to work my arse off to break even and my kids don’t get any extras
My parents are always giving my sister money as she ‘struggles’ and they pay for holidays and give her DC pocket money while mine get nothing
It’s horrible when you are treated differently fir whatever reason. I hope you manage to sort it out

I am really surprised by the amount of people who think yabu.
I disagree with them, yanbu, it’s not kind to treat children and grandchildren differently. In these circs it’s impossible to know if the money is needed or used for fun. Yes, fun is needed. By all grandchildren regardless of education.

High achievement is not always an individual choice. I hate this attitude that achievement should be rewarded. Is effort, aspiration and having a go worth nothing? Even if you don’t achieve big?

Your mum is giving for need not just gifting. Look at it this way, if one of the grandchildren was getting married and your mum offered to pay for something towards the wedding, it doesn't mean all the other grandchildren should get something. If and when needs crop up in their lives, she'll be there to help by the sounds of it. I think you're letting insecurities you've felt cloud your judgement.

Bear in mind that the grandchildren who are going to uni will end up with a huge debt...the others won’t

But those who go to uni supposedly end up with high paying jobs... the others won’t.

Having "bright" children myself, I know kids don't just get A and get into university because they are born clever. These children and parents both have to work extremely hard every day, years after years to achieve high academically. People don't usually see the tears and hard work behind the scene, just assume that they are lucky to be born clever. But when normal kids are having pleasure time, these kids are pushing themselves further*

I have 2 children with SEN and they also worked so hard that we had tears every night. Neither did particularly well.
That doesn’t mean they weren’t working hard.

Your mother is being fair. It's a different situation.

Very unfair. All childrens living expensive will be as expensive now or in Future and the ones who go to uni -and will presumably be higher earners in the future. I would be upset too. Kids shouldn’t be rewarded just for academic achievement and treated equally. .

I don't think your mom is being unfair she's doing her best and college is really expensive.
I think you are being unfair to yourself here calling yourself thick ☹️
You have brought up three wonderful children nothing thick about that . Self esteem causes us to be hard on ourselves 💗💗 (hugs)

Yabu

"Now I’m going through the same with my children and it stings . My middle daughter works very hard in a minimum wage job , does she deserve less because she didn’t go to Uni ?"

No but she needs it less and the circumstances aren't as temporary.

The kids going away to university are going to effectively have negative income for a few years so will need propping up by the family till they're through it.

Your child has a job and isnt training for a different one should they just be subsidised by gran forever? Because it's not a tempoary few year thing like the university kids

I know it is your Mum's money and she can spend it how she likes, however I think for fairness she should treat all Grandchildren the same regardless of their cleverness, giving them the same amount of money for their birthdays and money for uni and if not uni then the money would be useful for driving lessons and towards a car in the future.
I know that going to uni is expensive but treating them all the same will prevent family problems.

Yabu

YABU it’s your own issue to work through, nothing to do with ur Mum or kids, she is being fair minded and generous. She’s not rewarding cleverness or even exam results - that’s a view distorted through your own experience of inadequacy and struggle. Have your kids actually experienced that too, or is that how ur seeing it because of this same focus? Comparison is the thief of joy.