Is my mum being unfair giving cash for university for grandchildren but not the others

[Valerievalerie]

My parents have 9 GC , half of them very high achievers, we are talking all A* , oxbridge standard

They all started going to uni last year . Mum told me that she had given a sum to my nephew as it is nice to have some money when away . First of all it is important to say that I’m absolutely not the type of person who keeps a tally and I indeed agree that it’s lovely to have a bit extra .

Now I have 3 daughters , all similar ages to my sisters children who have not gone to university, there are various mild SEN , and they just aren’t academic, The most academic out the 3 still failed half their GCSEs and has now told me that they don’t want to go to college or Uni .

Sisters second child is about to go off in September and my other sister also has a son going next year , so mum is telling me that they will need to give them the same .
Now because my oldest DD was 21 recently they were given £500 from my parents
This was of course very generous and she said she will give the same to my middle DD who is 21 next year
My youngest DD would have been going to college next year or the year after . Now I think it would be unfair to give my youngest £1000 like the cousins just for going to Uni . I feel like it is penalising for not being clever enough to go on to study . This may not happen anyway as she says she might just get a job instead.

I said to my mum last night that I didn’t think she should treat the grandchildren differently

She was quite shocked and said it was because when you go away from home you need all the help that you can get .

Now I was the one growing up who was not academic and I scraped 2 GCSEs , much like my children and my sisters were very clever and it has brought back all my feelings of inadequacy.
Ive always been envious of people who are clever , as brains are much admired in my family, and I was keenly aware of this growing up .
I know I’m thick and it’s awful seeing my children suffer at school like I did , and watch every one else in the family recipe I g endless A graded .

I was loved just the same but i have always felt like I was a disappointment.

Now I’m going through the same with my children and it stings . My middle daughter works very hard in a minimum wage job , does she deserve less because she didn’t go to Uni ?

I said to mum on the phone that it wasn’t about the money , and it really isn’t . It’s about feeling that brains are rewarded and another reminder about my feelings as a failure.
She said that it was about the money . It really isn’t . We are not short of money .

My mum has always been generous and has given all of us money for various things .
She really doesn’t play favourites so is baffled why I feel like this .

It is really hard watching other teens happily off to Uni , my oldest especially feels down about all her friends going wishing she could.

I have never discussed how I feel with my DC btw, Ive always felt embarrassed about how I feel and would never openly admit it , I try hard to play to their strengths and give them confidence.

So not sure what I should say to mum .
I think that I just want her to acknowledge how I felt second best and how hard it is growing up in a family of geniuses when you aren’t .
I might seem like I’m being really childish and grabby but I honestly am not.

My mum is always so proud of their academic abilities, my daughter was finally awarded a pass for GCSE English this week with the grades fiasco and had failed it twice already . I didn’t even tell mum as sisters daughter was given all As for A level a couple of weeks ago .
I can’t bring myself to tell her about our grade 4 pass .

In my experience children who don't go to Uni, usually end up getting supported by staying at home, paying minimum dig money into the house. Use of a family car. Enabling them to use their remaining income wisely. And they don't get landed with a shed load of student debt.

This isn't about what parents do or do not do. It's about a grandparent giving money to grandchildren, not on the basis of need (she doesn't actually know how much the parents will give them) but on the basis of whether they are able to go to university. It's clearly a reward.

YABU

The grandparents money is theirs to spend as they wish. If they want to use it to "reward" academic achievement then that is their choice. Is it fair or equal? No, but you dont get to spend someone else's money because you think you have an entitlement to it.

I have two siblings, two of us went to university and the other stayed at home, took a year out to work and then did an apprenticeship ... our parents helped out the two of us at uni because they were high earners and so the amount of loans/bursaries etc was determined on their income and they "topped up" our money to what other students received and our grandparents gave us both £250 intended to help us with the initial cost outlay that moving to uni entails - having to buy all the houseware/stationary bits and an initial grocery shop to get all the "storecupboard essentials" that are expensive if you have to buy them all in one go. If I hadn't left home then I wouldnt have had those outlays and I would not have been given that money.

Our sibling who stayed at home didn't get that money because it was given for a specific purpose that wasnt relevent to them. They did get other support - they lived at home paying minimal "rent" proportional to their income (an option we didnt have at Uni), food shopping/meals/laundry/cleaning/bills etc were all covered by my parents, plus because they lived at home they didnt have travel or transport costs. They would often be given the odd £20 here and there by our grandparents if they needed it and probably ended up with more than the £250 we received over the course of our university careers.

Melj that makes perfect sense to me and sounds like the way many families would operate. The kids who stay home get support in a different way and don't need massive cash handouts.

Going away to Uni has always been an expensive business and even more so now with tuition fees.

Money aside - please stop assuming that anyone who does not get their GCSEs is not academic. GCSEs and A-levels are about memory and regurgitation, uni - is different depending on the course taken. I know numerous people who struggled at school, but flown at uni - often getting better marks than those who performed well at school. I've got friends who have PhDs, but did not get a single GCSE and they have SEN also.

Bear in mind that the grandchildren who are going to uni will end up with a huge debt...the others won’t. I think giving money to go to uni is perfectly justifiable. It’s not a reflection on who is clever and who isn’t. It’s a way to help at the right time. Maybe your mum will help the other grandchildren as and when they need it?

I think I it is unfair actually. They are choosing to go to university and potentially may be high earners. Also, just because you didn't do great at school doesn't mean you can't study later.

Uni is so expensive. My parents have 12 grandchildren 3 have been to/ are at uni and my parents give them money each month. My youngest 2 are 10 and 13 so not uni age yet but all other grandchildren are 18+, I dont think its unfair to the others that they don't get money each month.

Do your children live at home? If so it may be in her head to give them the equilivant when they move out for the first time

I'm also making the assumption (as you said your niece/nephew started uni last year) that the nieces and nephews are under 21 - so she may be planning on the £500 for a birthday present for all of them regardless of uni

I’ve had this with my own mum just recently, I don’t give a £&it what she does with her money BUT she doesn’t need to keep telling me how she’s spending it on the clever kids! My two boys have had a privileged upbringing but buggered up school and don’t want Uni debt, their choice. My mother however never lets it go and tells me weekly how much she’s giving the kids at Uni! It’s more to do with having a dig at me I feel, but it smacks of favouritism to the kids & yes they do know because she says it in front of them! The truth is, she was the tightest person on the planet whilst they were all growing up and she’s only now ‘spoiling‘ some of them, wtf was she when I wanted to go to Uni? Telling me I couldn’t because she needed the housekeeping!

OP,
I understand. I also grew up with a family of straight A's/Oxbridge plus very lucrative, successful careers. I did ok academically but I could never match up to them and felt that I was viewed as inferior and a disappointment. This would annoy me too - however, I doesn't sound like your DM is meaning to upset you or reward them for being bright. I think she's just trying to help them with the massive costs that they are going to incur, but can see why you are upset.

Melj that makes perfect sense to me and sounds like the way many families would operate. The kids who stay home get support in a different way and don't need massive cash handouts.

I think that is the crux - the OP and many others see the money as a "cash handout" and so feel like it should be handed out equally amongst all of the children, regardless of circumstance.

However others see it as a gift specifically given to the children going to Uni, in order to fund any up front costs associated with that (Whether or not the student uses it for essentials or pours it down the drain on drinks at the student union is out of the grandparents control). It is a specific gift given for a specific reason because of a specific need. If you don't move out/continue with education then you don't get given the "moving out/going to uni" cash.

If one of your children was getting married and your mother was gifting them £500, would you expect her to give the same to those who don’t get married?

However others see it as a gift specifically given to the children going to Uni, in order to fund any up front costs associated with that (Whether or not the student uses it for essentials or pours it down the drain on drinks at the student union is out of the grandparents control). It is a specific gift given for a specific reason because of a specific need. If you don't move out/continue with education then you don't get given the "moving out/going to uni" cash.

It's not given for a specific need though because the grandmother hasn't ascertained that there is a specific need. She is just giving the money to those that go to university. Not everyone who goes to university needs extra cash beyond loans or what their parents give them. They certainly don't need money for drinks.

You have to see all gifts as just that - a gift / bonus. Not something to rely on or benchmark. My sister is continuously measuring what my parents give me and what she gets and she has made life so unpleasant for me I avoid all contact with her now. Its just not worth the stress. Her children are now adults and I can build new relationships with them without going via my sister which is a relief. My children are much younger and comparing a twenty odd year old to a toddler is just pointless but she still benchmarks whether or not I send her adult children presents.. please don't become another of these small minded types. A gift is just that.

Yanbu. The ones going to uni will most likely earn a lot more over their lifetime, so over the long term they actually probably need the money less. It's really shortsighted only to help the ones who go off to be students as opposed to all grandchildren equally. Any of them might benefit from a 'leaving home' gift to help support them at a point when they start to become responsible for paying their own bills, and the ones who don't go to uni shouldn't feel any less deserving of that help (and with this, they will).

Having "bright" children myself, I know kids don't just get A* and get into university because they are born clever. These children and parents both have to work extremely hard every day, years after years to achieve high academically. People don't usually see the tears and hard work behind the scene, just assume that they are lucky to be born clever. But when normal kids are having pleasure time, these kids are pushing themselves further. In my opinion, they should be rewarded much more. The extra £500 is hardly going to cover any cost at uni.

YANBU OP although in our family situation, it’s the grand children who HAVE excelled academically who are treated negatively.
My siblings children are all set up financially because of decisions my parents made and none will have to worry about buying their first home.
So far my kids are oblivious and I really hope it stays like that.

I can understand you being upset, but you actually come over as a highly intelligent lady!

My father is similar, but rewards GC’s for cycling! My daughter swims and my son runs but this doesn’t count. My children are old enough now not to let it bother them, but it bothers me more than them. You can’t really tell your parents what to do with their money as it is their’s to do with as they wish. My daughter is very intellectual and went to an extremely good university, but she worked hard for her place, my father said it was a complete waste of time.

Don’t fall out with your Mum over this, and stop pulling yourself down.

YANBU in my opinion. My children are treated in this manner by my in-laws but in the complete opposite manner to your children. My children are the high achievers compared to my SIL children, yet my in-laws do not acknowledge or ever give my children gifts for their achievements. It's almost like 'well, they don't need it'. Yet SIL kids have received gifts such as first cars, money etc. Again, I know it's down to us to support our children and luckily we can do this, but to not even send them a card (we live far away) is pretty poor imo. So, whilst my situation is the flip side to yours I totally understand how you are feeling.

I'd say be honest with your mum about the way this comes across to you but I think she's being reasonable about helping her GC who are going to university. I'm sure when your daughters leave home she will treat them too.

What concerns me OP, is the comment you made "I know I'm thick...."
Please don't put yourself down by saying these kinds of things about yourself. I'm sure it's not true and all it will do is reinforce the negative feelings you had whilst growing up.

Speak to your mum and tell her how you're feeling about the situation. Good luck

@cptartapp

YANBU. It represents where you stand in the pecking order and its hurtful. I say this as someone whose SIL was given thousands for her house deposit and wedding, but DH got absolutely nothing. My nephews have had more spent on them over the years at birthdays and Xmas too. They think I haven't noticed but I have. I think a lot less of them than might otherwise have been the case.

This could totally be me! I now have zero respect for my in-laws and sadly my children are old enough to have noticed the difference in treatment too.

I see exactly where this is going and I agree it's not about money.

It's about you.

You feel inadequate because you equate monetary help in respect to academics as "rewards" for intelligence. It's not. Uni requires huge amounts of money just to get through. The alternative does not.

The problem here is your view of your parents NOT their behaviour.

They are giving money to all of the kids: it may not be the same but then not all have same expenses.

I'm not surprised your mum was shocked but she has no idea how to resolve what is essentially your emotional problem to fix so she takes the easy road.

You need to apologise, explain yourself more fully, take responsibility for your own insecurities and work towards fixing them.

I'm sorry you think you're thick and it must be really hard when your siblings are naturally academically gifted but that does not put your poor mum in the wrong.

You need to fix this ASAP.

YABU and if as you say its not about the money then using it as an example kind of shoots your argument in the foot.
If however you said about your dc passing her GCSE and she replied such n such got an A* then you would have a good point.

Basically, as with most things, try to think of it in your mother's shoes. Run through it in your mind before you jump in (it's your mum- only human - you'd probably know the answers she'll give and should have the advantage of thinking why those answers are incorrect).
Final thought sometimes people (maybe not you) make assumptions that ensure a Self-fulfilling prophecy.
You are as good as anyone and unless your mum is the type that speaks down to checkout staff or curt with manual workers she would probably agree.

@wingsanddreams

Having "bright" children myself, I know kids don't just get A* and get into university because they are born clever. These children and parents both have to work extremely hard every day, years after years to achieve high academically. People don't usually see the tears and hard work behind the scene, just assume that they are lucky to be born clever. But when normal kids are having pleasure time, these kids are pushing themselves further. In my opinion, they should be rewarded much more. The extra £500 is hardly going to cover any cost at uni.

It doesn't follow that because some children work hard for high grades those who are 'normal' are having 'pleasure time'. That isn't how it works. Some people will sail into uni with high grades on very little work (btdt); some will work incredibly hard for every extra grade point. Some people will work incredibly hard without ever reaching the grades to get to university; some will get lower grades but could have got higher by working harder. If you're going to try to reward hard work, you will need to look further than just at the grades people come out with.

I did better than my younger brother at school but he now earns much more than I do. Academic excellence doesn't always translate to success later in life. I am very proud of my brother and will never begrudge him his achievements.

He did recently say to me that he always felt it was awkward me being rewarded with money for good grades and that he would never do that to his kids. I guess we learn from what we grow up with. He doesn't ever want any of his children to feel that way.