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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that we weren't invited to bil+sil baby shower

171 replies

Soapysoap · 23/08/2020 23:03

Just that really. Whole family there or invited, both sides, men, women and kids, not just the women. And my DH, DC and I were just left out of it all, didn't even know about it.
Now it's not the new parents at fault, it was a surprise to them, so they didn't know. But mil was there (and we have always got on great) so she knew, and so did the rest of dh family.
It's like we're just forgotten about.
Pictures are all over social media, and normally I just brush things off but I feel really hurt this time. I've not commented. But I keep thinking I should. I don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I don't even know what I want from this. Just a vent maybe. Sorry for waffling on.

OP posts:

SE13Mummy · 24/08/2020 19:39

YANBU to feel upset and left out. You need to decide whether it's worth saying anything and/or who to say it to. You or DH sending a message to your SIL saying you're sorry to have missed her baby shower and would have loved to come but didn't know about it might make you feel better in terms of ensuring SIL is aware you aren't avoiding her. Alternatively, your DH could speak to his DM and ask her who organised the baby shower (whilst letting her know his family were sad not to have been invited). Neither option will rewind time though.

A couple of years ago, I discovered via Facebook that every other female in the family (including my mum and my other brother's wife) had gone to SIL's hen do. I'd not been invited. I get on well with SIL and have always been supportive to her, DB and their DC. I asked my mum if she'd not thought it was strange that I hadn't been there but other SIL had and she said she'd had no idea I'd not been invited, she just assumed I hadn't been able to make it. I've not mentioned it to SIL or DB because there's little to be gained from doing so - the event had passed by the time I knew about it.

Original poster

Soapysoap · 24/08/2020 20:31

Thanks all for your input. I'm not so sensitive tonight. I think I'm probably just gonna drop a grown ups gift in for the new parents because I know they're sick to death of being plied with baby stuff that they dont need. I'm sure I'll find out while I'm there.
Also I didn't come here to get berated about covid. I know it's there. I have a child in a high risk group. I'm not about to run around putting my child at risk. We are careful wherever we go. We take precautions. Doesn't mean I can't be upset about being left out. Because we would have shown our faces with even if we didn't stay long.

Ps. It was not an illegal gathering. The internet exists outside of England. It also exists outside of the UK. You don't know where in the world I am so how can you tell me of my laws.

OP posts:

ProfessorRadcliffeEmerson · 24/08/2020 20:44

@Bluesheep8

www.gov.uk/guidance/meeting-people-from-outside-your-household-from-4-july

As I said, I don't agree with the rules which have been passed in law, but here they are for anyone who needs to check them.

Guidance, not law, even if the OP were in the UK. Spoiler; not everything that appears on the Government website is law.The actual regulations are here: www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2020/684/made.

Reg 5(1): no person may participate in a gathering of more than 30 people in a private dwelling. Nothing about households.

ProfessorRadcliffeEmerson · 24/08/2020 20:47

Sorry to hijack your thread, OP; I get fed up with the misinformation on here sometimes.

I don’t blame you for feeling upset about being left out.

titchy · 24/08/2020 20:53

@Bluesheep8

www.gov.uk/guidance/meeting-people-from-outside-your-household-from-4-july

As I said, I don't agree with the rules which have been passed in law, but here they are for anyone who needs to check them.

If you're going to act as Covid police at least understand the difference between guidance (what you've linked to, 6 people) and the law - ie what is illegal (over 30 people).

ILoveFood87 · 24/08/2020 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Anordinarymum · 24/08/2020 20:58

I don't blame you for feeling left out and wondering why. This is atypical of family behaviour and yet if you take them to task on it they will probably be shocked.

My family did stuff like this to us for years and I knew why and they knew I knew but it was always left unsaid.

My husband was (shock horror) black and my mother was racist. The rest of the family fell into line and we had to accept it or walk away which we eventually did.

sallyshirt · 24/08/2020 21:31

I completely understand why you are upset, I would be gutted.
Are you going to ask why you weren't invited?
There must be a reason behind it all, if I were you, I'd need to know.

Feedingthebirds1 · 25/08/2020 01:10

Grow up OP the person that organised it either forgot you or does not like you. Either way you were not invited. Don't be childish about it.

And the August 2020 empathy award goes to....

FuckwitMcGee · 25/08/2020 01:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tinyandpetite · 25/08/2020 02:05

Feedingthebirds1- that was really uncalled for. She has a right to be upset. The wolves are out tonight aren’t they 🙄

Tinyandpetite · 25/08/2020 02:06

Sorry Ilovefood87, quoted the wrong person.

DrManhattan · 25/08/2020 07:25

Re Covid- you can only meet people where there is a till.

notacooldad · 25/08/2020 07:29

Grow up OP the person that organised it either forgot you or does not like you. Either way you were not invited. Don't be childish about it
Baby showers suck, and this tale is a load of rubbish anyway
Wow.

Why be nasty?

takenbywine · 25/08/2020 07:41

To all that are saying it's against the Covid restrictions should bugger off. It's ok to protest, it's ok to take packed flights, it's ok to sunbathe on packed beaches and also ok to sit in packed pubs. Op @Soapysoap this would really hurt me and I would put my distance to this family. Not engage or even attend any family events in the future. Bloody awful!

rayoflightboy · 25/08/2020 07:54

I wouldnt drop a gift up,you were not invited for whatever reason.

This is your get out card and please let your dh raise merry hell.Its his family and if he wants to do that,jest let him.

Unhomme · 26/08/2020 16:23

Have you asked them/MIL yet?

Newfornow · 26/08/2020 16:29

At least one person knows why... ask around. Say you feel terrible at not getting a gift (and hope your nose doesn’t grow)

Newfornow · 26/08/2020 16:30

@notacooldad. Wow was that username bestowed upon you?

Sceptre86 · 26/08/2020 17:24

Either you allow your dh to hold off at them or you quietly seethe. Your choice. I would not be dropping off a present until the baby is born. As to how your inlaws treat your kids I would address it now, if will be even more cruel when the kids themselves notice.

notacooldad · 26/08/2020 20:33

@notacooldad. Wow was that username bestowed upon you
What do you mean. @Newfornow?
What point are you?
I thought the comment to the op telling her that people probably didn't like her and to grow uo and not be childish was awful and quite mean.
Also the comment about baby showers suck was rude.
What is your problem with that?

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