To be upset that we weren't invited to bil+sil baby shower

[Soapysoap]

Just that really. Whole family there or invited, both sides, men, women and kids, not just the women. And my DH, DC and I were just left out of it all, didn't even know about it.
Now it's not the new parents at fault, it was a surprise to them, so they didn't know. But mil was there (and we have always got on great) so she knew, and so did the rest of dh family.
It's like we're just forgotten about.
Pictures are all over social media, and normally I just brush things off but I feel really hurt this time. I've not commented. But I keep thinking I should. I don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I don't even know what I want from this. Just a vent maybe. Sorry for waffling on.

I don’t think going ’mad’ about things is ever the right thing to do. I’d suggest your DH phones his sibling and politely explain that you would have liked to come and feel a bit excluded. I wouldn’t ask for explainations or apologies or anything, I’d state my feelings and move on.

Were many men attending?

I think it is definitely worth mentioning - for all you know they might be thinking you were invited and simply didn’t turn up. (I always work on the principle: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity"). If there’s no reason you can think of why you would have been deliberately excluded, then maybe crossed-wires or a simple mistake are a more likely explanation.

I’d say something casually (totally non-confrontationally) and see where it leads. And if it leads to issues being aired, then at least you get the chance to sort things out.

I think you could write on social media:

“Guys - which of you forgot to invite us to our niece/nephew’s baby shower?”

I mean whoever did it expects you to put up and shut up!

People saying be glad you weren't there are really missing the point, which is the hurt at being left out. OP I have little sympathy for the "I don't like drama don't say anything" attitude you have as this just encourages people to treat you badly what an awful example to teach your children. You were either forgotten about or deliberately not invited, both of which aren't very nice. Of course your DH needs to ask why!

Agree. I understand some people don’t like baby showers but 🙄, that is not what the thread is about nor does that make the OP feel better.

Saying OP and her husband should be grateful to be the only two not invited because baby showers are naff is ridiculous.

@Tolleshunt

Ffs, the Covid rules (whatever they might be these days, I’ve completely lost track with all the chopping and changing in ways that make no sense) have nothing to do with it.

OP is upset because they add the only ones who’ve been left out. The family are clearly happy to flout the Covid bubble rules, whatever they are currently, for the rest of the family, so this is a completely irrelevant point.

OP, I’d be hurt too. I’d be asking, in a reasonable way, along the lines of ‘we were really surprised to see there was a baby shower for bil and sil, and we weren’t invited but everyone else was. Have we done something to upset them? Or you, MIL?

This....Covid is totally irrelevant in the context of the OP . Yes I would be massively hurt ! If you get on well with the in laws I would just ask why .

Do not question them on social media, people get defensive if they feel they are being questioned so publicly and you may find other wade into the agreement. Address it directly with whoever you feel is most likely to have the answer, not your BIL and SIL as they knew nothing about it and this was a nice surprise so don't ruin it for them. They deserve to have their happy memories of the day and for those memories not to be tainted because of someone else's actions.

Yes that’s really shitty and I would be unhappy about it too. Very bizarre. I would ask mil and explain how you feel.

Yes the covid police are out in forces....

Message directly to organiser baby shower:

The baby shower looks like it was an amazing event for xx.
I am surprised that we were not invited, and if I am honest a little hurt, as we are so happy for xx and the baby's arrival and I wondered if something has happened to cause any upset? Lots of love op x

It's perfectly possible your BIL and SIL are puzzled and upset you didn't attend because they assume you were invited, so I would drop whichever of them you're closest to a message and say 'Look, this is slightly awkward, and probably just someone's oversight, but we didn't know your shower was happening, so didn't get a chance to give you a present. Let us know what you would like.'

Re: Support bubbles - stop assuming people are in England. We can have four households in a bubble here, no limit on how many people are in each household!!!

It's perfectly possible your BIL and SIL are puzzled and upset you didn't attend because they assume you were invited,

Oh yes this is so true, hadn’t thought of this.

I thought I wasn’t invited to a good friends hen do and finally was brave and asked the bridesmaid about it... turns out they had made a Facebook group and I wasn’t on Facebook so didn’t know about the details but I was invited!!

I would also be hurt at the lack of invite.

I agree with others that you should let BIL and SIL know you weren't aware of the baby shower until after the event in case they think you didn't bother turning up.

I would send something like Inching's suggested response.

Firstly I would have to say I would be very upset in your position. Secondly, those talking about the current Covid regulations are missing the point- this is not about whether a party should or shouldn't have taken place but rather about the exclusion of the OP.

I would advise caution though should you/your DH talk to your BIL/SIL about the matter. You really need to go in with a calm approach and do not react to any comments you get (no matter how unfair you think they are) but rather take time to digest them.
I say this because am surprised that even if by some reason you were forgotten to be invited, that no one there asked about you or contacted you to see where you were.
It seems there can only be two reasons:

a) That there has been a genuine error/misunderstanding and that ppl thought that you weren't coming.

b) Ppl didnt want you there.

Let him go mad, it’s his family and he understands the dynamics better than you.

I would be upset too OP. I wouldn't post on FB though.

I would let DH calmly ask why you hadn't been invited.

With your attitude to answering reasonable replies, I can see why you weren't invited!!!

The reply you're referring to isn't in any way reasonable. I'm not surprised the OP is out of patience with the Covid Behaviour Police. Her response to this nonsense was bang on point.

YANBU and I would definitely say something.
Btw, you have misunderstood support bubbles, they are for single parents although under the rules you are allowed spend time indoors with one other family.

My first reaction would be to speak with MIL to find out who organised the party, not to post on MN with very little detail or 'go mad' at anyone.

@scubadive

Covid alert, you can have 6 people meeting outdoors, not the whole family.

What is wrong with people.

Quite.

I can understand why you are hurt.
From what you say, you get well with both MiL and the parents to-be. Could it have been an oversight?Is there a reason why they wouldn't invite you?
Anyway, it'd DH's family so it's probably best for him to deal with it and speak to his brother and his mother. You've no business telling him not to.
And if you get on well with SiL maybe you could speak to her direct just to let her know that you weren't aware that it was happening but would have loved to have come. She'll surely tell you who organised it, anyway.

And YY To the constant assumptions about where people live
Anyone would think anywhere outside England didn't exist or that devolved administrations make their own rules
And god the sanctimonious Covid prefects on here really are fucking pathetic

MIL taking a day off to attend doesn't mean she organised it. And if she didn't organise it then perhaps she wasn't responsible for the invitations.
Just get your DH to ask. There might have been crossed wires and they think you just didn't turn up, so it's best to clarify what happened. Don't waste time making up scenarios, just get DH to ask.

@Soapysoap

Dh wants to go mad because he feels we are always an after thought. Our kids aren't treat equal to some of the grandkids etc. But I don't want to rock the boat. Lots of little things over the years you know. But I don't like drama. I've told him not to and I keep telling myself not to but I feel like I should still. Torn I guess

What boat is there to rock?

He should ask. And tell his brother/sister why it is you weren't there

Have you asked anyone why you were not invited? looks like someone forgot rather than deliberate