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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that we weren't invited to bil+sil baby shower

171 replies

Soapysoap · 23/08/2020 23:03

Just that really. Whole family there or invited, both sides, men, women and kids, not just the women. And my DH, DC and I were just left out of it all, didn't even know about it.
Now it's not the new parents at fault, it was a surprise to them, so they didn't know. But mil was there (and we have always got on great) so she knew, and so did the rest of dh family.
It's like we're just forgotten about.
Pictures are all over social media, and normally I just brush things off but I feel really hurt this time. I've not commented. But I keep thinking I should. I don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I don't even know what I want from this. Just a vent maybe. Sorry for waffling on.

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 24/08/2020 01:57

Demeaning and rude to demand explanations.

Gosh, really? In general, yes. Not with close family, surely. Just weird not to be invited and weird not to mention it, I would have thought.

expat101 · 24/08/2020 02:04

Yes, I think you both have a right to feel upset and it would be better to ask sooner rather than later why you were excluded.

Secondly, whoever the nob is posting on social media is just as bad as the person who organised the event and excluded you, or is it the one and the same?

but do ask, it will be interesting (to you) to hear what excuse there is. Watch them duck for cover...

(I remember when our daughter was excluded from her class study group hosted up the road from our house. Her then so-called BF was sending her snap chat photos of the group and asking what she was doing. She hadn't been invited at all. People like that just rub it in that little bit further for whatever point they are wanting to make)..

Move away from them all I say!

Jux · 24/08/2020 02:25

It's your dh's family - I would let him deal with it, and if he wants to go bonkers then just let him. He's known them all his life, after all.

TitsOutForHarambe · 24/08/2020 03:11

I wouldn't "go mad" but equally I wouldn't sit back and say nothing. Something inbetween. It sounds to me like MIL organised it. Say to her, calmly, "is there a reason why we weren't invited to X's baby shower?"

Obviously it's your DH who says it, since it's his family. But I would start off calmly, without being accusatory. Just get your MIL to explain why you were excluded. She will probably avoid the question so I would really push her to give an answer. Once you have her reason, you may then decide to "go mad", if her reason is a shitty one. (I suspect the reason will be a shitty one...)

famousforwrongreason · 24/08/2020 03:17

@nestisflown

If you don’t say anything BIL and SIL may well think that you just didn’t turn up- and so may be upset with you. This is definitely something you need to rock the boat on so everyone can get to the bottom of it.

You’re right to be upset- I would comment on the Facebook images or message BIL and SIL saying “the event looked lovely and that you and DH would have loved to celebrate with them had you known about it”

Yes to this message. Not sure if I'd do it online on the pics but defo send it if dh doesn't want to tackle it f2f
AlwaysCheddar · 24/08/2020 06:24

Get your dh to ask both mil and bil. I’d step back from the relationship as there’s clearly issues of some kind and they don’t care. Hurtful but at least you know where you stand.

Brefugee · 24/08/2020 07:06

Just ask MiL. If it comes out that you were an oversight tell her she's a stupid cow and apologise to BIL & SIL for not being there due to having been forgotten.

If it comes out that you weren't invited the answer to that is... low contact or no contact and in your shoes (because i am petty beyond belief) i would ignore the fact that they're having a baby at all and if they ever mention it act all surprised.

Some families need drama to confront their own shitty behaviour.

Laaalaaaa · 24/08/2020 07:30

Maybe the person who organised it knew you used this site and was aware of the disdain that such events are universally held on here so saved you having to attend?

gassylady · 24/08/2020 07:38

OP another one saying contact SIL and BIL in the first instance and explain that you weren’t invited and are not being rude. Clearly you feel close as you say are in a support bubble - don’t see why this would be difficult to explain to them. You can ask who organised it and then decide what you do with the information then

ScrapThatThen · 24/08/2020 07:52

I think it would not be unreasonable to say 'who organised this baby shower then and why weren't we invited? We would have loved to come and spoil you'.

Blankblankblank · 24/08/2020 07:54

@gassylady

OP another one saying contact SIL and BIL in the first instance and explain that you weren’t invited and are not being rude. Clearly you feel close as you say are in a support bubble - don’t see why this would be difficult to explain to them. You can ask who organised it and then decide what you do with the information then
Yep. Say to them you were sorry to miss their special day but you hadn’t been told about it. I’m sure they will then ask MIL why you didn’t get an invite.
NoWordForFluffy · 24/08/2020 07:55

@notangelinajolie

Was it legal? Who wants to go to a baby shower anyway? Seriously OP be glad you weren't there.
This is what I came to say!
rawlikesushi · 24/08/2020 07:57

Just because mil took a day off to attend, doesn't mean she organised it or saw the guest list.

I think it would be fine for your dh to tell his mum that you both would have liked to attend, and to ask who organised it.

The fact that it was all over fb suggests that it wasn't a secret, maybe some sort of misunderstanding.

slashlover · 24/08/2020 08:10

I'm trying to imagine the kind of man who wants to go to a baby shower.

One who loves his family and wants to celebrate? One who doesn't play into sexist stereotypes?

toomuchpeppapig · 24/08/2020 10:52

You dodged a bullet op. Baby showers are the most cringey, grabby things that people can do, as though they're the only people to ever have a baby and everybody else should buy gifts during the pregnancy and once the baby is born and then every year thereafter... Embarrassing. Hopefully they won't invite you to the gender reveal either (as that's probably something else they'll end up doing, cringe). Winner winner!

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 24/08/2020 10:55

Rejoice.

There’s nothing fuller than a baby shower.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 24/08/2020 10:55

duller even.

JudgeRindersMinder · 24/08/2020 10:58

Clutching at straws here but did you k ow about it ahead of time and it was just assumed you’d be there, or did you not find out till social media etc?
I’d be pissed off and hurt if it was the latter

Rhine · 24/08/2020 11:02

Since when have men been included in baby showers?

Rhine · 24/08/2020 11:03

Or kids for that matter? The ones I’ve been to have always been women only.

LagunaBubbles · 24/08/2020 11:10

People saying be glad you weren't there are really missing the point, which is the hurt at being left out. OP I have little sympathy for the "I don't like drama don't say anything" attitude you have as this just encourages people to treat you badly what an awful example to teach your children. You were either forgotten about or deliberately not invited, both of which aren't very nice. Of course your DH needs to ask why!

LEELULUMPKIN · 24/08/2020 11:15

I understand your hurt OP, but I would take the moral high ground and not let on that I was arsed.

DappledThings · 24/08/2020 11:19

@Pobblebonk

I think you dodged a bullet because baby showers are pretty naff, but I do think your husband should ask why you weren't invited.
Exactly this. I'd be relieved not to have been invited so I didn't have to make an excuse not to go to a cringefest but I'd still want to know why!
user1471457751 · 24/08/2020 11:24

Your husband should ask his brother about it and explain that you guys didn't attend because you weren't invited.
I don't know why you're insisting that you're MIL probably organised it as she had to take time off work. I'm going to a friend's wedding next year and having to take annual leave for it, doesn't mean I'm organising the thing!

Inching · 24/08/2020 11:27

If it comes out that you weren't invited the answer to that is... low contact or no contact and in your shoes (because i am petty beyond belief) i would ignore the fact that they're having a baby at all and if they ever mention it act all surprised.

Yeah, that is petty beyond belief. Hmm