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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that we weren't invited to bil+sil baby shower

171 replies

Soapysoap · 23/08/2020 23:03

Just that really. Whole family there or invited, both sides, men, women and kids, not just the women. And my DH, DC and I were just left out of it all, didn't even know about it.
Now it's not the new parents at fault, it was a surprise to them, so they didn't know. But mil was there (and we have always got on great) so she knew, and so did the rest of dh family.
It's like we're just forgotten about.
Pictures are all over social media, and normally I just brush things off but I feel really hurt this time. I've not commented. But I keep thinking I should. I don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I don't even know what I want from this. Just a vent maybe. Sorry for waffling on.

OP posts:
JustSaying101 · 24/08/2020 13:15

Let your hubby deal with this one. Odd that you weren't invited, however, you have mentioned previously that your family have been omitted from things in the past. Are your hubby and BIL/SIL close or are the issues there? It is hurtful , particularly when this happens from family. Don't forget it but don't let it get you or hubby down, really not worth the negative energy! On a positive note, be happy that you dodged the cringefest of a baby shower - can't abide them! Wishing you and your family all the best :)

ChikiTIKI · 24/08/2020 13:16

Seems quite rude to me. What if you had tried to meet up with some of them that day, or if you'd happened to have walked or driven past? So awkward 😬

MsEllany · 24/08/2020 13:24

Well what do you want to happen if you won’t let your DH say something?

Of course it’s not fair, but if you never ever say you’re unhappy with it then it won’t change.

Let your husband deal with his family.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/08/2020 13:24

I'm torn on my response - because part of me would want to let DH go mad on his family to find out WHY you were left out, but the other part of me would be desperate to apologise to BIL and SIL, so that they didn't think they'd been deliberately snubbed!

So either let your DH talk to his family (you shouldn't stop him anyway), or message your SIL/BIL and say you're so sorry you missed their shower but you hadn't been told about it, or you would have been there. Pass Agg, maybe, but fuckit - no one else seemed bothered about upsetting you, and if your SIL/BIL didn't know you weren't invited, it would be better to tell them!

notacooldad · 24/08/2020 13:28

Baby showers are rubbish and tacky, you dodged a bullet OP!
How nasty!!!
Who made you the arbitrator of what is an acceptable event for people to enjoy.
Some of the baby showers I've been to have been ok but I've been to some lovely ones in nice restaurants and tearooms. It was used as an excuse to have a great gathering and a nice afternoon
I'm trying to imagine the kind of man who wants to go to a baby shower

Do you lack imagination? The men I know that have been have been family men, friends of the mum to be, cousins, brothers, etc. What's difficult about a men being at a BBQ baby shower or a house
gathering?
Since when have men been included in baby showers?
Or kids for that matter? The ones I’ve been to have always been women only
I've been to loads that have been a family and friend celebration. Just because you have been to women only doesn't mean it's the only way to do things.
In my friends family it has always been anything to have family and friends round whether it is a gender reveal, baby shower, longest day of the year, anything! It's always a nice relaxed, welcoming atmosphere.

Bluesheep8 · 24/08/2020 13:31

Aren’t support bubbles for single adults/single parents?

Er, yes...and the whole event was illegal.Hmm

Unhomme · 24/08/2020 13:34

I think it's because the organiser doesn't like you because of something you did 3 years ago, or some other reason you haven't mentioned.

But can your DH hurry up and ask because
I'd quite like to know for sure.

LockdownMayhem · 24/08/2020 13:59

@toomuchpeppapig

You dodged a bullet op. Baby showers are the most cringey, grabby things that people can do, as though they're the only people to ever have a baby and everybody else should buy gifts during the pregnancy and once the baby is born and then every year thereafter... Embarrassing. Hopefully they won't invite you to the gender reveal either (as that's probably something else they'll end up doing, cringe). Winner winner!
FFS, I don't think the OP really cares that you think baby showers are cringey, grabby or embarrassing. Or many other people actually. Why do you care what other people choose to enjoy? Does it make a difference to your life in anyway? If you don't like them, fine, don't go to one. But trying to belittle others who choose to is just snobby and unpleasant. And in fact, I'm cringing a little on your behalf right now for sounding like such a snob.

OP, I would be upset to be left out so seemingly deliberately too. I wouldn't be able not to ask, but I'd probably start with MIL in case it was SIL and BIL who asked you not to attend (and then if they didn't know, then apologise to them for not going as you weren't aware).

Youngatheart00 · 24/08/2020 14:03

I agree with the person who said baby showers are tacky.

There’s enough fuss made and presents bought for newborns anyway. Just no need for baby showers and all those forced ‘fun’ party games. I think they are very indulgent.

Of course if they are thrown as a surprise for a mum to be that’s very slightly different, but I still don’t like them and avoid them, and would never have one myself.

Feedingthebirds1 · 24/08/2020 14:19

Dh wants to go mad because he feels we are always an after thought. Our kids aren't treat equal to some of the grandkids etc. But I don't want to rock the boat. Lots of little things over the years you know. But I don't like drama. I've told him not to and I keep telling myself not to but I feel like I should still. Torn I guess

@Soapysoap - you can't have it both ways. You can't get upset about always being an afterthought, and your DCs being treated less favourably than the others, and ALSO demanding that your DH doesn't say anything. You have to let one or the other go.

There are many threads on MN where the DH always kowtows to his birth family at the considerable expense of his wife and children. Your DH wants to stand up for you and the DCs and why shouldn't he. He's showing you that you are his priority, not his wider family. He's a good 'un.

Why do you describe it as 'rocking the boat', which tends to have negative associations? Why don't you see it as a positive move that addresses the fact that your (and therefore DH's) family are being treated as lesser than the others?

Coming on MN to vent won't change anything. Make your mind up which of the two ways you want your future, and that of your DH and DCs to be.

Tolleshunt · 24/08/2020 14:20

It’s not the point of the thread, though, is it, Youngatheart00? OP didn’t post requesting a critique of her tastes and enjoyments, did she? Or those of her family....

Thanks ever so much for sharing your opinion of baby showers with us, though. I’m sure our lives are all now immeasurably richer for knowing where you stand on the matter.

MondeoFan · 24/08/2020 14:34

Well I'd be silently fuming. I would let this go I'd have to say something otherwise it'd eat me away. Who cares if you rock the boat, they've already rocked the boat with you

MondeoFan · 24/08/2020 14:35

Wouldn't let this go

Malaya · 24/08/2020 14:35

@Tolleshunt

It’s not the point of the thread, though, is it, Youngatheart00? OP didn’t post requesting a critique of her tastes and enjoyments, did she? Or those of her family....

Thanks ever so much for sharing your opinion of baby showers with us, though. I’m sure our lives are all now immeasurably richer for knowing where you stand on the matter.

😂
phoenixrosehere · 24/08/2020 14:38

It’s not the point of the thread, though, is it, Youngatheart00? OP didn’t post requesting a critique of her tastes and enjoyments, did she? Or those of her family....

Right! There is a full thread going on about how naff some people think baby showers are. Could easily go on there and have a moan about it.,

OP I think you’re better off letting the BIL and SIL know how happy you are for them and wish you could have made it if you had been notified. Send a nice gift if you feel the need and leave it at that. They could be thinking nothing of it or think you chose not to show up and everyone else did.

It’d be better than trying to find out who missed you two. In case it was intentional, considering your history with his family, it stops whomever it is from making it out as if you and your husband chose not to show up.

CoraPirbright · 24/08/2020 14:48

I think I would message bil/sil saying: “hi! Saw the photos of your baby shower online - what a lovely time it looks! We were really sorry to not be there but, quite honestly, we had no idea it was happening! Don’t know who organised it but they left us off the guest list for some reason. What a shame - we would have loved to have been there to celebrate with you! Hope you had a great time though and got some lovely gifts. Much love and looking forward to seeing you soon”

The reason I would send this is so that the couple know you were not being churlish and not attending or couldn't be arsed or something. That would really annoy me. Other than that, I guess there’s not much you can do....

ErinBrockovich · 24/08/2020 14:55

It is an f you whichever way you look at it.
I’d just ask mil who organised it and take it from there.
They clearly weren’t worried enough to be discrete, they know for sure you will see the pictures on social media.

rayoflightboy · 24/08/2020 15:06

I think this would be the straw that broke the camels back.

If you are always an after thought and your kids are not treated the same,just step back.

Your kids will realise and wonder why you put them last.

Let your dh go mad,draw a line and just do your own thing.

Orchidsindoors · 24/08/2020 15:09

"I think I would message bil/sil saying: “hi! Saw the photos of your baby shower online - what a lovely time it looks! We were really sorry to not be there but, quite honestly, we had no idea it was happening! Don’t know who organised it but they left us off the guest list for some reason. What a shame - we would have loved to have been there to celebrate with you! Hope you had a great time though and got some lovely gifts. Much love and looking forward to seeing you soon”"

I'm sorry but I think that's churlish. Just mention it to them next time you see them.

HelloDulling · 24/08/2020 15:18

Do you have to go mad? Can’t your DH, or you, depending on how close you are, just ask either MIL or SIL/BIL who organised it, and say you didn’t know about it but would like to drop a present round this week.

chopc · 24/08/2020 15:19

Also if it was a surprise then maybe BIL and SIL also wondering why you weren't there

honeygirlz · 24/08/2020 15:23

If you’re going to keep quiet then you’re just giving them permission to keep leaving you out. Make a fuss.

birdy124 · 24/08/2020 15:37

Wow that's bullshit! even if whoever organized it doesn't want you there, it's pretty crazy not to invite close family who live in the same street as BIL! That's beyond rude and I would be telling them to fuck off and also i would be calling police to report a party breaking covid rules GrinGrin

StatementKnickers · 24/08/2020 15:38

YANBU at all, hope you will ask your MiL why she did this and tell her how hurtful you found it.

Chickychickydodah · 24/08/2020 15:38

They should have asked where you were, did they not comment or ask where your family was? I would have to say something. It’s disrespectful.

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