Child coming home from father filthy.

[darrenlacey]

Child’s father has form for being a crap parent in numerous ways.

My two daughters were with him at his bedsit for 24hours this weekend. Youngest daughter, 7, has come home in the same clothes I sent her in. She confirms she hasn’t changed once, not even for sleep. Her dress is covered In filth and her hair matted.

They never brush their hair or teeth when with him. My oldest is 11 so changed her clothes herself (I provide rucksack with clothes and toiletries for both of them).

In addition, (and yes I know that unpaid maintenance would have no bearing on a child contact arrangement in court) he doesn’t pay maintenance (at the moment he is doing a shady cash in hand job so can’t go through CMS) , and myself and my partner have just forked £300 out for my eldest dd’s secondary school uniform and have asked for a contribution towards both dd’s school shoes and a couple of bras for eldest dd.

He has responded “I have fucking bills to pay wtf.”

AIBU to put a halt on contact?

Oh dear god, I just saw the post. That really reinforces things for me. I wouldn’t let my two girls within a mile of him.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I'll be emailing him re daytime contact only!

Yes they may be only there 24 hours but are people really thinking that if they were there longer it would be different. It is supposed to be a safe place. Dad's are capable of looking after health, hygiene etc.

When I go away at all DH let's DS stay up later, eat junk, gets a takeaway etc BUT he still ensures both DC are bathed/showered/change their clothes for Pyjamas/brush their hair and teeth...

It is neglecting their basic needs to not do so. Personally I would stop overnight stays.

Sorry I hadn't seen the post saying he has anger issues and has abused you. I would definately limit contact. Good luck getting sorted.

It sounds like some of the issue is directly as a result of dd(7)'s ASD. I can utterly understand him not wanting to cause a meltdown and resulting issues if he forces the issue of getting her to change and attend to personal hygiene if she doesn't want to. He may be picking his battles and this is one he doesn't want to fight.

That said, there's nothing that says he cannot communicate that to you. Eg dd(7) hasn't changed because blah blah. Otherwise it does sound like he's being slapdash and not trying to parent.

Tbh I would be far more concerned about their sleeping arrangements - which I note you have picked up on - given your dd starting her period and therefore being sexually mature if not mature in age. If she is choosing to share a bed with her father is one thing, if she feels forced to by virtue of no other sleeping arrangements then that is entirely another and your ex needs to consider how this might look, even if it is entirely innocent.

Mine are the same but they spend 2 nights so it's worse when they come back and haven't brushed their teeth and dd2 has very curly hair that needs sorting every single day. Court prioritise contact over brushed hair and teeth sadly.

OP I think you are making the right decision by going with daytime visits. But I don't understand why you would have to spend 8 hours of travelling to facilitate daytime visits. I would expect him to either pick them up or drop them off. (or both) If he is unwilling to do this then the visit would not happen on those days. He doesn't seem to make any effort on behalf of his children (who would not buy a pillow for their child!) so this is not an unreasonable request.
It's a crap situation to be in and you sound like you have done everything you can to maintain a relationship between your children and their father despite your very valid concerns.

He said I have effing bills to pay. Why the hell does he think he can talk this way. What a pig.

@Supreme thank you.

He does in fact do all the travelling since he moved two hours drive away to move in with the last gf.

He did try to get me to do half but I have a baby (she was a newborn at the time and exclusively bf) and he didn't discuss the move or provisions for contact with me at all!

I did actually start a thread on MN about it but was under a different username!

@PopsicleHustler he is a total pig. He often swears really aggressively in person and also in text communication!

Hes not giving the children a healthy atmosphere to be in
If hes punching walls and doors, who can say he will ne next. The fact he has assaulted you in the past , both sexually, physically and is still carrying on being verbally abusive is not acceptable.
I wouldn't allow my children to see a man like this. Father or not. He is violent, a drunkard, a rapist and I have a few other choice names. He can see the children In a contact centre if needs be. What a scumbag

Goodness me. I hate him. And as a Muslim I usually love everybody. But what a creep. I cannot believe this.

@minisoksmakehardwork

It's more that he just opts out of any actual parenting. He's a disgusting pig too so why would he get ASD DD7 to brush her teeth and change, if he doesn't? She is compliant when I ask her to brush her hair and teeth so I can't imagine she would argue if he asked her to do so.

Dd11 is not sharing a bed with him, he has a single bed which she sleeps in...and DD7 sleeps on the floor with him.

@PopsicleHustler thank you! I hate him too.

Hes not providing healthy meals. The youngest dd is 7 and maybe isnt even cleaning properly after toilet use and poor dote is sitting in smelly knickers. Sitting to 4am laughing at youtube isnt on. Especially when these days, a lot of things are sexualised. Adverts often pop up that are inappropriate when we watch it and now I have literally kept to YouTube kids. As it's much better for them. I am appalled at their eating habits when with him. Eating junk and sweets til 4am is atrocious.
Yes, children do need to see their parents but not in these circumstances.

My husband would probably love to thump him one

I think the biggest problem if you let this continue is that as your older DD becomes a teenager and maybe starts to rebel a bit he will support that and you risk him making the problem worse or her moving in with him because no rules are enforced there.
I would try and phase contact out slowly if I was you.

I'd be keeping a very close eye on it/keep a diary

My DS never used to brush teeth, used to come home in dirty clothes (although didn't sleep in day clothes), often hungry. I kept an eye, and things did improve. He loves his Dad so i didn't want to jump in and stop contact

I also agree about maybe cutting back on overnights if you can. I do understand that it's difficult with the distance involved

This is what he said to me when I asked him to make sure he paid the last two weeks maintenance (£50 per week - he has been working cash in hand so can't be enforced but has given sporadic payments for the last few months if I repeatedly asked). We are were supposed to go shopping on Tuesday for their school shoes and some bras for DD11 and said that I needed his contribution to afford them.

It's very hard to talk to him.

It seems an unhealthy dynamic between you and your older daughter tbh, if she feels she has to hide potential issues from you so she can see her dad, and if you are questioning her about what goes on while they are there. This will be putting her under a great deal of stress and is unfair to her.
The dangerous driving is a problem. Wearing the same clothes for twenty-four hours isn't that big a deal.

Who said the nonsense about fathers not being responsible for basic hygiene? What a load of old cobblers. Maybe not legally (which surprises me frankly) but it's a very basic fundamental of being a parent.

By the way, all those saying YABU are wrong. YANBU OP, I would absolutely stop overnight contact. Shame on those who have said you shouldn't.

I would do everything in my power to stop overnights. Honestly I wouldn't want him having contact at all due to the violence and alcohol more than anything, but much better to have day times than over nights

I think it's actually quite a dangerous message that your eldest is getting about 'he loves you so its ok'. Love is a verb, it's a doing word. It's about care and attention and actions. He's violent and neglectful but he loves them so that's ok? Nah.

Especially once they start their period hygiene is so important, and having a grown up they feel able to talk to. Would he get them appropriate sanitary items? Remind them they need changing? Deal with any accidents? Make sure they were clean? I doubt it. Somebody with such a blatant disregard for other forms of hygiene is unlikely to be there for female hygiene. Yes, boys and girls have many hygiene needs in common but not all of them. 24 hours with the Same tampon could lead to toxic shock, there are real hygiene concerns there.

Not to mention general concerns about neglect, and his concerning violent and alcoholic behaviour, his inability to prioritise his children's needs (suitable items for sleeping). This sounds like a very inappropriate environment for children, especially considering the younger child's additional needs.

This is a relationship they would be better protected from than enabled to continue. I'm sure plenty of people and courts would disagree, but the question really is what is this person adding to these children's lives? If all it is is late nights, YouTube videos and takeaways, then the OP could do that herself a couple of times a month but Within a much safer and more hygienic environment