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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child coming home from father filthy.

226 replies

darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 19:47

Child’s father has form for being a crap parent in numerous ways.

My two daughters were with him at his bedsit for 24hours this weekend. Youngest daughter, 7, has come home in the same clothes I sent her in. She confirms she hasn’t changed once, not even for sleep. Her dress is covered In filth and her hair matted.

They never brush their hair or teeth when with him. My oldest is 11 so changed her clothes herself (I provide rucksack with clothes and toiletries for both of them).

In addition, (and yes I know that unpaid maintenance would have no bearing on a child contact arrangement in court) he doesn’t pay maintenance (at the moment he is doing a shady cash in hand job so can’t go through CMS) , and myself and my partner have just forked £300 out for my eldest dd’s secondary school uniform and have asked for a contribution towards both dd’s school shoes and a couple of bras for eldest dd.

He has responded “I have fucking bills to pay wtf.”

AIBU to put a halt on contact?

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 23/08/2020 22:02

In your home town

BrutusMcDogface · 23/08/2020 22:03

I was also going to say a similar thing, Arthersleep; an eleven year old isn’t mature enough. She will end up with the weight of the world on her shoulders, feeling guilty and sorry for her dad. This just isn’t ok.

BrutusMcDogface · 23/08/2020 22:04

When my dad had a room in a shared house (grim) we never stayed there. We used to meet in town, look at shops, and have lunch together.

lioncitygirl · 23/08/2020 22:06

halt overnight contact - let him see them a few hours each time, and explain to him why. It totally neglectful - cant believe some people saying its ok - would you be ok your child were treated like this?!

Oly4 · 23/08/2020 22:06

Yabu to stop contact if they love their dad. Can your eldest help your youngest keep clean? If not, stop overnight stays but let them go for the day

BrutusMcDogface · 23/08/2020 22:11

Oh for goodness sake, why should the older child help the younger to stay clean?! She’s a child too. Honestly.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/08/2020 22:23

I gave up after 2 pages at some of the utterly batshit responses on here.

If he wants to see them, he comes to you, or takes them out for the day and returns them. No more sleepovers until he has earnt your trust. Their safety and welfare is paramount. Yes they love their father- but if he loves them enough he will make the effort. Put your foot down.

Its disgraceful how low the bar seems to be for men. Agree with PP if it was a woman doing that people would be calling SS but its only a man so he can act like a twat. No. Can we start collectively raising the bar on standards expected. Then maybe when less men are like this they cant pretend its ok because of "everyone else does it"

Bravefarts · 23/08/2020 22:23

Don't make the older child take on the parenting role because her dad doesn't value her enough to patent them both, please.

This situation is so damaging, you must protect the children.

Catandkittens · 23/08/2020 22:34

Why did you have two kids with this man?? He sounds awful

Spanielmadness · 23/08/2020 22:35

That’s a studio flat, not a bed-sit which is generally far grimmer accommodation.
Sounds like he’s a Disney dad and it’s understandably pissing you off so you are looking to stop contact.
It’s very difficult and I thank my lucky stars every day that I never had children with any of my exes.

Diverseduvet · 23/08/2020 22:36

I really feel for you. Many years ago I let my daughter stay with her dad because I thought it was my responsibility to make sure they had a relationship. The anguish I felt when she came home scruffy and sunburnt was horrendous. Me keeping track of him, trying to guide him to care for her properly consumed much of her childhood. I would never make those choices again.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/08/2020 22:38

Why did you have two kids with this man?? He sounds awful

I agree he sounds awful. But that is not a constructive comment. If you RTFT he sounds like a gaslighting abuser. Not a 'lovely man' OP.
Limit contact. It will be better for your children long term. If he cares enough he will sort his shit out.

Bumlooksbig · 23/08/2020 22:49

DD11 will not be 11 forever. My DD started her periods at 11. At this point hygiene becomes important, as does a degree of privacy. Is it possible that your DD isn't changing because of the lack of privacy? She might be embarrassed and is not really at an age when she could really discuss this with an adult. ANY adult. I also feel that the sleeping arrangements aren't exactly appropriate. These are young girls, not teenage boys. As they become older it will become progressively more difficult. Is the bedsit a temporary arrangement?

lyralalala · 23/08/2020 22:57

@darrenlacey

The issue I have is that they love him to bits.
I loved my parents. Even though my father beat the crap out of us and starved us, and even though my mother encouraged it.

There is a reason that children's opinions aren't taken into account about access when they are young - they are not mature enough to be able to make safe decisions because children are instinctively loyal to their parents.

Don't let him take them overnight. He can spend time with them in the day. His family are local and he can make the effort to stay with them if he wants to see his children.

Bravefarts · 23/08/2020 23:04

"studio flat"/bed sit = potato/potarto

MadgeMak · 23/08/2020 23:05

No way would I allow overnights. The lack of care towards basic hygiene is nothing compared to everything else you've described. He's a violent drunk, you need to protect your children from him.

Prisonbreak · 23/08/2020 23:09

Hair does not become matted after 24 hours

canyoucallbacklater · 23/08/2020 23:18

@darrenlacey

I'm so sorry to hear how he abused you and I can't imagine the situation you feel you are in but your gut is telling you this is wrong. You wouldn't have posted it otherwise.

"the kids will resent you, he's their dad they should get to see him" bollocks to it; let them resent you. One day, when they're old enough, they'll understand that time at Daddy's wasn't fun, it was fucked up and they were frightened. No matter how often it seemed to be fun.

You have two beautiful little girls who deserve to be just that, little girls. Not to be dragged from pillar to post by their neglectful, abusive Father whilst everyone stood to one side and placated the behaviour just because 'he's their dad' - a Dad wouldn't behave as he has done; not a good one.

You owe him shit, don't feel like you do.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 23:18

Yes, I conceded that in fact it was very knotty , not matted.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/08/2020 23:24

[quote darrenlacey]@Arthersleep I know that my eldest will end up feeling responsible for him.

He has perfected being repeatedly enabled/ cocklodging/playing the victim/little boy lost with woman after woman, his parents/siblings. He expects people to help/loan/give him things, nothing is ever his fault or his responsibility.

I had to take anti anxiety medication because he made me worry about him so much when we split. Made out he was suicidal, penniless, adrift etc. All the time he was cocklodging with a secret girlfriend and was absolutely fine.

My DD's are doomed to end up feeling responsible for him for sure. [/quote]
Please don’t allow this to happen. You have the power to stop this abuse.

Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2020 23:57

"She stopped after Christmas because he was binge drinking, swore at her and was aggressive at his new (and sixth in a year) girlfriend's house then initially refused to drive her back home to me when she told him she wanted to leave." He sounds like a very bad person to be around. Frightening for children to be put in that position.

I agree with Bumlooksbig "DD11 will not be 11 forever. My DD started her periods at 11. At this point hygiene becomes important, as does a degree of privacy..." Mine started at 11 and so did my dd's. I would stop all overnight stays.

Loving him is fine but I think it will be detrimental to the girls.

Agree also with canyoucallbacklater.

"I'm so sorry to hear how he abused you and I can't imagine the situation you feel you are in but your gut is telling you this is wrong. You wouldn't have posted it otherwise.

"the kids will resent you, he's their dad they should get to see him" bollocks to it; let them resent you. One day, when they're old enough, they'll understand that time at Daddy's wasn't fun, it was fucked up and they were frightened. No matter how often it seemed to be fun.

You have two beautiful little girls who deserve to be just that, little girls. Not to be dragged from pillar to post by their neglectful, abusive Father whilst everyone stood to one side and placated the behaviour just because 'he's their dad' - a Dad wouldn't behave as he has done; not a good one.

You owe him shit, don't feel like you do."

Princessbanana · 24/08/2020 00:49

He is an alcoholic, has anger issues and has raped you in the past but is still allowed your two girls over night (sleeping beside the 7 year old on the floor with not even pillows). Your children will wonder when they grow up why you didn’t protect them from this. There isn’t a chance in hell that he would get near any of my kids and I would tell them exactly what he is like when they are old enough to know.

Italiangreyhound · 24/08/2020 02:07

Oh sorry, I see your dd has started her periods already. So even more she needs privacy.

CrispsAddict I am so sorry about what happened to you and think this is a very clear warning to the OP.

I really agree with thepeopleversuswork "I think you're focused on the wrong thing OP to be honest. Binge-drinking, extremely unsettled lifestyle and abusive behaviour is much more worrying than a slightly slapdash approach to hygiene. Going 24 hours without washing or changing clothes is non-optimal but not a disaster. But he sounds semi itinerant, alcoholic and abusive. That's a much greater concern imho."

1forAll74 · 24/08/2020 02:34

Can you not talk to him about all these issues, especially letting the children stay up till 4am ,as you mentioned..

BrutusMcDogface · 24/08/2020 05:02

Where does it say he raped op in the past?