To not want to sleep in the spare room.

[Misskittyfantastico85]

When I was growing up, both sets of GP had separate bedrooms and it felt like it was completely ok. I never felt it was strange, my nans on both sides had their bedrooms and grandads had their own separate bedrooms. When I met DH, his DM & DSD also had separate bedrooms, and his Ddad and DSM also had separate rooms.

Over the last year my own DP have decided to have their own separate bedrooms. Again, this is my normal and it is something that I have lived with all my life. No marital issues in any of the relationships (obviously that I know of)

When my DM was going through the process of turning my old bedroom into her new room I mentioned to a colleague that I couldn't imagine there being a time when I would want to sleep separate from DH. She looked really shocked and said she'd never heard of anything so ridiculous as a happily married couple sleeping separately and that there must be marriage breakdowns. She said that would be the only reason to sleep separately and have separate bedrooms.

She then went on to take it a bit further and proceeded to tell all other colleagues about the 'weird' setup in misskittys family. I was sat right there.

So my aibu is: is it 'weird' to sleep separately? It's not something I'd really thought too much about until it was mocked and I was made to feel it was strange.

It certainly sounds unusual to me- bar severe snoring issues? Or a new baby perhaps?

Your colleague sounds odd and not very nice to try and humiliate you like that.

It’s of course a personal preference thing, I do think your immediate family is unusual in having so many happy couples sleeping apart but that’s not to say no happy couples do it.

I don’t think you should worry about it as an inevitability though.

Nope, not weird. But some people are dickheads - your colleague being one of them.

I don't think it's weird at all. My parents sleep separately. My mum has a mask for sleep apnoea which is really noisy, and my dad gets a bad back from lying on a flat bed. So they sleep separately. I feel that if you're in a secure relationship, you don't need to sleep next to each other.

Your title doesn't reflect your post content

My grandparents had twin beds. I think due to my Grandad having a very painful knee. Shared a bedroom though, I think separate rooms is unusual in a happy marriage yes.

I think a lot of people don’t have the space to do this, even if they want to, until later middle age if they’ve had multiple children. Even then plenty of people won’t.

I would like to have the opportunity to sleep separately - eg if one of us is ill or drunk, or we’ve had a row but wouldn’t want to do it on a regular basis. I’m only 34 though, ask me again in 20 years.

I’m also not sure why this is titled “Aibu to not want to sleep in thr spare room”

That’s a title for a totally different thread? Were you going to write one thing and then changed it to this and forgot to retitle it?

My parents now have separate rooms but this was post my DM going through the menopause and having horrendous night sweats so sleeps with with windows open whereas my DF has the heating cranked up in his!

Not sure who is wanting you to sleep in the spare room!?

Sounds ideal to me. (Dp is a snorer and often sleeps on the sofa).
My dgps had separate rooms and my DM spends most her nights in her spare room too I suspect.

It's totally normal in my family as well, my parents sleep separately as my dad snores, my mums had a few operations and she stays up late reading and wakes early.

My husband is currently in the spare room, we've not had any sex for years due to my endometriosis and the pain it cause and he snores, I'm sure at some point we will change back but again it's our business and not a massive deal and my teenagers don't really comment, so to them it's ok?

Your work colleague was just being attention set and rude tbh.

On the flip side, I don't know a single couple who sleep separately

As pp said, I don’t think I would read too much into it. Could be myriad reasons. I wouldn’t assume unhappiness. I also think your colleague was beyond rude.
We have a spare room, one of us will use it if we are ill , sleeping badly or having a late night / early morning. I quite enjoy it now & again.

I find it surprising that so many people in your family do it although maybe then it felt ok because it was normal for their parents? I’ve been sleeping separately to DH as we have a young baby and I thought it’d be easier; I thought as we don’t go to bed or get up at the same time that it didn’t matter but actually I really miss sleeping next to him, waking up with the security of him there and the (brief) morning cuddles we have.

I think the best married relationship is facilitated by having separate houses.

Me and dh are in seperare rooms - started a few years ago when ds2 arrived and I coslept. It's also partly because we have two bedrooms on one floor and two more at the top - eldest son is on the lower floor and I don't like him being alone. Dh has been back a few times but the last time, he fell asleep instantly, then woke me up complaining he couldn't sleep because I have the window open, fell asleep again, the woke me up screaming - always had bad nightmares - then decided he needed to sleep alone and stormed off downstairs! So that was a fantastic success and tldr: I love my own bed.

It's neither odd nor ridiculous for adults to want to sleep separately. Sometimes it's just more comfortable for each person to have their own space and often necessary healthy/sleep also. It's really nobody else's business what people's sleeping arrangements are.

Take no notice of your nasty colleague and be careful what you share with her in future. If she reacts like this to something non-work related what would she be likely to do with anything to do with your job? 🌹

Yes, sorry everyone, like pp pointed out I was going off on a tangent and forgot to change the title to reflect my post. I explained to my colleague that I didn't want to sleep in the spare room. Not that I feel I will need to, but like another pp said I'm 34 maybe I'll feel differently when I'm older

Yeah, I'd say it's not uncommon with snoring or very different schedules.

We often sleep separately. I'm a terrible sleeper.

The only friend I had who did this has completely separate bedrooms from her dh. After finding out I think there's was more a marriage of convenience, they both benefited in different ways from the relationship. My ex in laws slept separately in later life. There's was not a happy marriage.

My parents slept in different room and it was the strongest marriage I’ve known. When DF was I’ll in hospital he point blank refused to remove his wedding ring.

I think it’s actually quite common amongst older couples. Both sets of grandparents slept in separate rooms and DH’s parents do too. I would consider it if DH snoring gets much worse.

I’d use the example of downton abbey where it’s referenced as being highly unorthodox that Robert & Cora actually do share a bedroom as evidence that it’s not uncommon, you know for those of us living on our grand country estates! Seriously though I’ve heard of it, often linked to the luxury of having 2 bedrooms for the parents so not a choice for everyone.

We celebrated 28 years of marriage yesterday.
Separate bedrooms is great, it doesn't mean you don't get closeness or sex.
It means you miss the snores and farts, and get the nice bits.