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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to sleep in the spare room.

160 replies

Misskittyfantastico85 · 23/08/2020 19:35

When I was growing up, both sets of GP had separate bedrooms and it felt like it was completely ok. I never felt it was strange, my nans on both sides had their bedrooms and grandads had their own separate bedrooms. When I met DH, his DM & DSD also had separate bedrooms, and his Ddad and DSM also had separate rooms.

Over the last year my own DP have decided to have their own separate bedrooms. Again, this is my normal and it is something that I have lived with all my life. No marital issues in any of the relationships (obviously that I know of)

When my DM was going through the process of turning my old bedroom into her new room I mentioned to a colleague that I couldn't imagine there being a time when I would want to sleep separate from DH. She looked really shocked and said she'd never heard of anything so ridiculous as a happily married couple sleeping separately and that there must be marriage breakdowns. She said that would be the only reason to sleep separately and have separate bedrooms.

She then went on to take it a bit further and proceeded to tell all other colleagues about the 'weird' setup in misskittys family. I was sat right there.

So my aibu is: is it 'weird' to sleep separately? It's not something I'd really thought too much about until it was mocked and I was made to feel it was strange.

OP posts:
ilikemethewayiam · 23/08/2020 20:25

Since menopause, I suffer from insomnia. It takes me 2-3 hrs to ‘go over’. I thrash about, hitting DH and waking him up. He’s then peeed off, Wakes me up and the whole cycle starts over again. I just got to the point where him just turning over in his sleep woke me up and here we go again. I was just sleep deprived. We now have separate rooms and it has made a life changing difference. We both get a full deep nights sleep and wake up happier and more refreshed. I think it’s probably more normal than you realise for older people.

MillieEpple · 23/08/2020 20:26

I'd like a wing each to be honest. Love him dearly but my own room, bathroom and study / sitting area would be good. Am happy to visit each others chambers.

lyralalala · 23/08/2020 20:26

I think it's really stupid of your colleague to judge the strength of a marriage based on room/bed sharing.

A couple who share a room, but both spend their time seething at snoring/fidgeting/noise is nowhere near as strong as one who can have an honest conversation and work out what works for them, even if it's non conventional

Finkelbraun · 23/08/2020 20:29

Your colleague is rude and sounds a bit prurient.

DH and I have been together for more than 20 years and for about half that time we've had separate bedrooms (he snores). I LOVE having my own room. I sleep so much better alone. DH pays me regular visits though 😉.

We're only mid-forties, but I'm guessing this set-up is more common among older couples (who are more likely to snore or sleep badly, and also more likely to have spare bedrooms if their kids have left home).

imarocketman50 · 23/08/2020 20:31

We sleep separately and have a strong marriage.

We are just not compatible sleepers. We both snore but I'm a heavy sleeper and husband is a light sleeper. He also has a very high body temp and I like to be cold in bed.

The other factor is he gets up much earlier than me and wakes me and he does shifts sometimes so often wants to go to bed much later than me or gets up much later.

We still sleep in the same bed when away from home but neither of us wake up wanting to kill the other after a bad night's sleep.

TheChosenTwo · 23/08/2020 20:32

I don’t know of anyone who does this, not that they’ve shared with me anyway.
Occasionally, maybe once every other month, either myself or dh will sleep in the spare bed, usually if there’s a drunken snoring incident - this can be either of us Grin
I do sometimes think how nice it would be to permanently have a massive bed to myself and I wouldn’t rule it out in years to come to be honest! Maybe when we stop having sex?!
I don’t think it’s ‘weird’ but it’s unusual.

PatriciaPerch · 23/08/2020 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/08/2020 20:37

Me: Menopause, insomnia, hot flushes, night-time visits to the loo, early rise

DH: snoring and Iate to bed

We are in separate rooms most nights now, we both get a better sleep, don't get pissed off with each other and works just fine for us.

CharlottesComplicatedWeb · 23/08/2020 20:44

Sounds strange to me, but each to their own.

I’ve only ever gone into the spare room when I’ve been ill or couldn’t stand DH’s snoring at 3am 🙄

inickedyourbiro · 23/08/2020 20:44

Me and dp live on the same estate but don't spend every night together. he's a really light sleeper and I toss and turn all night so every couple of nights we both need a decent separate sleep! I totally understand this!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 23/08/2020 20:44

Both sets of my grandparents slept in separate rooms as long as I can remember. I asked my mother about it once. She said it was a form of birth control. She was embarrassed to say anything more.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 23/08/2020 20:48

Dh and I have graduated to seperate rooms. We did sleep seperatly occasionally menopause is not a good time to share a bed with all the sweating and tossing and turning, he'd go to the spare room. But since I had Covid he's only visited me for a little fun, then back to his space. I'm snoring like a train and am taking forever to fall asleep now so I'd disturb him a lot.
If you have the space it's great to have a good nights sleep.
My mother and Step Dad had their own rooms for a few years before he died. It's not that unusual.

AbbieFB · 23/08/2020 20:58

My Aunt and Uncle had separate rooms for years.

I often decamp to the spare bedroom if my husband is snoring or if I'm restless. I think we both sleep better when we're in separate rooms.

EncroachingLoaf · 23/08/2020 20:59

I'd LOVE my own bedroom, I could decorate it exactly how I wanted and I wouldn't have to put up with DH's snoring, farting, fidgeting, his phone light and his bloody crap everywhere. God love him. Alas no space.

Horsemad · 23/08/2020 20:59

I'm definitely considering this as I can't stand DH's snoring!

Thehop · 23/08/2020 21:00

I find it normal.

FippertyGibbett · 23/08/2020 21:00

I know two couples who have separate bedrooms and they’re happily married.
In fact I’ve been thinking that I’d like a room of my own, decorated how I like with all MY things in.
DH snores and comes to bed later than me, disturbing me.
If I had a spare room I would.

LucyRivers167 · 23/08/2020 21:03

My DP and I have separate rooms now. We're only 20s and 30s, but he snores all night and I'm such a light sleeper. I slept in his bed for 6 months but got so depressed - getting 4 hours broken sleep a night - and sleep deprived that I made mistakes at work and had terrible mental health. I was about to leave him because of this, he wouldn't do much about the snoring and the things we did try didn't work.

I decided I love him too much to leave, so slept in the spare room and I'm back to my normal self now. I'm not crying every day, I'm not desperate to sleep but also terrified of bedtime anymore. I sleep next to him until he starts snoring (usually takes an hour until he snores) then leave and come back before his alarm.

I love feeling healthy and like myself again. But I am wracked with such terrible guilt and embrassment about sleeping separetly. Responses like your colleagues - where understandably some people do think it's weird - makes me feel very negative. I feel like I abandon him every night. But he is so disruptive. If he really cared that much about sleeping together, surely he would try resolve the snoring? For my health?

I would LOVE to sleep next to him. It was be my absolute preference. But because he won't fix the snoring (or even try), I have no choice.
I sleep on my own or I do not sleep.

I love my DP very much, but I am not a good spouse or a happy person being so sleep deprived. I don't want to resent him (I already do a bit for causing this issue). It hurt a lot when his defence to not trying to solve the snoring issues was that 'his ex didn't mind'. My need for sleep is just as important as his. I can hear him snoring downstairs....

sigh

I just hope people don't think we are less in love than they are with their spouses simply because we have to sleep apart, it's not true. Things are more complex than that.

flowerycurtain · 23/08/2020 21:04

Not at all weird to me. All my my family and DH's do it.

It helps that we all live in spacious houses with spare rooms to do it.

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2020 21:04

@Misskittyfantastico85

When I was growing up, both sets of GP had separate bedrooms and it felt like it was completely ok. I never felt it was strange, my nans on both sides had their bedrooms and grandads had their own separate bedrooms. When I met DH, his DM & DSD also had separate bedrooms, and his Ddad and DSM also had separate rooms.

Over the last year my own DP have decided to have their own separate bedrooms. Again, this is my normal and it is something that I have lived with all my life. No marital issues in any of the relationships (obviously that I know of)

When my DM was going through the process of turning my old bedroom into her new room I mentioned to a colleague that I couldn't imagine there being a time when I would want to sleep separate from DH. She looked really shocked and said she'd never heard of anything so ridiculous as a happily married couple sleeping separately and that there must be marriage breakdowns. She said that would be the only reason to sleep separately and have separate bedrooms.

She then went on to take it a bit further and proceeded to tell all other colleagues about the 'weird' setup in misskittys family. I was sat right there.

So my aibu is: is it 'weird' to sleep separately? It's not something I'd really thought too much about until it was mocked and I was made to feel it was strange.

Nope. I know of a number of people that do it (including me)

It's bliss! Proper night's sleep. Previously it was torture.

My grandparents the same.

No-one else's business

Thisismytimetoshine · 23/08/2020 21:04

What on earth does your thread title mean?

flowerycurtain · 23/08/2020 21:05

I should add
Grandparents married 60 years
Parents 40 years
In laws 50 years
Us 10 years

All separate room sleepers!

Ponoka7 · 23/08/2020 21:05

I'd say it was usual post menopause. People know how others will react, so probably don't share who sleeps where.

Newdaynewname1 · 23/08/2020 21:05

Fairly normal once retired I think. When people are working, everybody gets up at about the same time. once retired, you can follow your own preferences so sleep/wake up times can be quite different

Colouringaddict · 23/08/2020 21:05

We are happily married and have been for 26 years, together for 30 and we sleep in separate rooms because his snoring is awful and I am an insomniac. We still go to our bedroom together to watch TV in bed and have a cuddle, then he takes himself off to the spare room to sleep. We both get a better quality of sleep and we are still very happily married, if anything happier because we both make more effort to be tactile.

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