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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to sleep in the spare room.

160 replies

Misskittyfantastico85 · 23/08/2020 19:35

When I was growing up, both sets of GP had separate bedrooms and it felt like it was completely ok. I never felt it was strange, my nans on both sides had their bedrooms and grandads had their own separate bedrooms. When I met DH, his DM & DSD also had separate bedrooms, and his Ddad and DSM also had separate rooms.

Over the last year my own DP have decided to have their own separate bedrooms. Again, this is my normal and it is something that I have lived with all my life. No marital issues in any of the relationships (obviously that I know of)

When my DM was going through the process of turning my old bedroom into her new room I mentioned to a colleague that I couldn't imagine there being a time when I would want to sleep separate from DH. She looked really shocked and said she'd never heard of anything so ridiculous as a happily married couple sleeping separately and that there must be marriage breakdowns. She said that would be the only reason to sleep separately and have separate bedrooms.

She then went on to take it a bit further and proceeded to tell all other colleagues about the 'weird' setup in misskittys family. I was sat right there.

So my aibu is: is it 'weird' to sleep separately? It's not something I'd really thought too much about until it was mocked and I was made to feel it was strange.

OP posts:

Original poster

Misskittyfantastico85 · 23/08/2020 22:17

Thank you everyone for your responses. It seems that sleeping separately is more widespread than my colleague made out. I've a good mind to show her this thread. I now no longer feel like myself and DH come from 'weird' families.

OP posts:

Saracen · 23/08/2020 22:18

I sleep much better alone. DP gets very lonely without me though, so I only do it on rare occasions, for example if I am very tired or ill or he is snoring up s storm.

Different people like different things. That's okay.

janetmendoza · 23/08/2020 22:25

Seperate bedrooms here and I love it! We've done this right from the start tho. There is no one I would want to share a bed with if I had the opportunity not to. It suits us and not really important what anyone else thinks

anothermansmother · 23/08/2020 22:26

I think your work colleague sounds rather spiteful and terribly rude.
It used to be the norm for those who 'had money' to do in my great grandparents era ( my great grandmother on my dads side always had her own room which had an adjoining door to my great grandfather's room.) However my mothers side never did this and up until my grandfather in my mothers side passed away my grandmother had never slept in a bed on her own in her whole life ( went from sharing with a sibling to sharing with her husband). I know of friends parents who had separate room who stayed together ( in the same house) for the children, but then later divorced.

Dominicgoings · 23/08/2020 22:27

We mix and match depending on circumstances. We both work shifts so post night shifts we sleep separately. DH is a really restless sleeper, I’m a really light sleeper. He’s a night owl and I’m an early nighter. He wakes frequently for the loo.
So whilst we often start off jn the same room he often migrates to the spare room at some point. If it’s a first night post night shift he starts off in the spare room.

Akindelle · 23/08/2020 22:31

I sleep separately from DH. Our DC are poor sleepers and DH doesn’t appreciate being woken up during the night. I sleep upstairs in the bedroom next door to DC and DH sleeps as far away as possible in the ground floor guest room.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 23/08/2020 22:31

@Misskittyfantastico85

It is way more common than people think. People don't usually talk about separate bedrooms because of the stigma from people who think that you cannot possibly like each other if you don't spend half nights awake😂

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/08/2020 22:36

"She then went on to take it a bit further and proceeded to tell all other colleagues about the 'weird' setup in misskittys family. I was sat right there."

Your colleague is a git.

No, it's not that unusual.

KindKylie · 23/08/2020 22:36

I can imagine me doing this - I've always said I'd like to be like a medieval queen with my own chambers that dh could visit 😂

Dh and I keep very different hours - I am a night owl and like reading til I fall asleep but hate getting up. DH likes dark and quiet to fall asleep to and springs out of bed in the morning. He likes cold air sweeping through, I like to snuggle up with my thick duvet and bed socks!

It's no reflection on our relationship at all!

JellyfishandShells · 23/08/2020 22:37

My parents did because my father snored terribly and my mother was a very light sleeper.

We could, now, because both DDs have moved out but we haven’t - though I assumed we would at some point. Neither of us snore or move around particularly much but I do retreat to the spare room sometimes when I get occasional insomnia.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 23/08/2020 22:38

Only peasants sleep in the same room as their partners.... according to all the period dramas I watch.....

xanthippe8 · 23/08/2020 22:39

@Misskittyfantastico85

Please do show her, I think, given the choice, most people would prefer a room of their own!

Yeahnahmum · 23/08/2020 22:44

Separate bed: yes
Seperate rooms: no

user1468538201 · 23/08/2020 22:50

12 years married yesterday and we sleep in separate rooms for around 4 years now. He snores and I have chronic fibromyalgia so every move he makes while asleep can hurt me, i use a weighted blanket to help with pain, he sleeps with the covers thrown off, I like the door closed, curtains tightly closed,light off, he likes door and curtains open and often falls asleep with light on. We have a very strong marriage, have been through a lot in the time we are married, we are self employed and work together most days and our sex life is just fine,I'm 49, he's 52, separate rooms have helped our marriage and certainly aren't a sign that it's in trouble. I think far more couples sleep separately than ever admit it.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/08/2020 22:51

@Yeahnahmum

Separate bed: yes Seperate rooms: no

You haven't heard dh snore! With separate rooms and both doors shut I can still hear it.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 23/08/2020 22:51

@Yeahnahmum

Separate bed: yes Seperate rooms: no

I like double and sadly, standard houses in UK don't have large bedrooms...

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 23/08/2020 22:52

We have separate bedrooms, none of my close friends do, but nearly all of my work colleagues do. I definitely recommend it.

StartingGrid · 23/08/2020 22:56

We're mid 30's and have seperate rooms, have done so for 2 years now... I value my sleep more than anything, it keeps me sane! I wouldn't really care what people thought to be honest, immediate family know and don't say anything even if they do think it's odd (though he is a reknowned terrible sleeper, that's why) Now if only the cats would stop mithering me at 5am...

abstractprojection · 23/08/2020 22:58

I think getting up to pee multiple times in the night can be a reason along with snoring. Even if the same room often separate beds due to different mattress needs.

Sometimes one of us kips on the sofa if we’re restless and the other is sleeping. I don’t think we ever want separate rooms either OP but I can see how it happens

Chocolate1984 · 23/08/2020 23:01

I would love to have my own room. I sometimes sleep in the kids room if they are away. He is messy, he snores, stomps around in the morning. My room would be tidy with a heavy duvet and I’d sleep in the middle of the bed.

occa · 23/08/2020 23:02

I have reason through work to go into a lot of houses (not an estate agent!) and I can tell you for a fact that separate rooms/separate beds is a lot more common than most people probably think.

I'd say the people with this setup don't seem to be any more or less likely to be unhappy together than anyone else.

blowyernose · 23/08/2020 23:06

I sometimes sleep in a separate room from DH when he is farting massive stinky ones or with our new baby who after 4 month is still not sleeping well.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 23/08/2020 23:08

DP is a terrible snorer, so always sleeps in the spare room on a Sunday night so I start the week on a decent sleep. Otherwise if one of us ill. Sex life just fine.

Mothership4two · 23/08/2020 23:13

In my world separate rooms is very rare but not unheard of. Having said that, my best friends DF and DSM lived in separate houses (next door to each other) and apparently were very happy. Sound like bliss to me

ifeellikeanidiot · 23/08/2020 23:17

God I love having separate rooms. Cant imagine anything different. It's my escape and getaway. DH and I very happy, loving marriage.

I have no problem with anyone in RL knowing we have dif bedrooms. I find it odd that people would automatically equate separate rooms with a failing relationship. I see my being able to let people know about it as a sign of confidence in our relationship

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