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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to sleep in the spare room.

160 replies

Misskittyfantastico85 · 23/08/2020 19:35

When I was growing up, both sets of GP had separate bedrooms and it felt like it was completely ok. I never felt it was strange, my nans on both sides had their bedrooms and grandads had their own separate bedrooms. When I met DH, his DM & DSD also had separate bedrooms, and his Ddad and DSM also had separate rooms.

Over the last year my own DP have decided to have their own separate bedrooms. Again, this is my normal and it is something that I have lived with all my life. No marital issues in any of the relationships (obviously that I know of)

When my DM was going through the process of turning my old bedroom into her new room I mentioned to a colleague that I couldn't imagine there being a time when I would want to sleep separate from DH. She looked really shocked and said she'd never heard of anything so ridiculous as a happily married couple sleeping separately and that there must be marriage breakdowns. She said that would be the only reason to sleep separately and have separate bedrooms.

She then went on to take it a bit further and proceeded to tell all other colleagues about the 'weird' setup in misskittys family. I was sat right there.

So my aibu is: is it 'weird' to sleep separately? It's not something I'd really thought too much about until it was mocked and I was made to feel it was strange.

OP posts:
RealityExistsInTheHumanMind · 23/08/2020 21:07

I think I would have responded with

Different things suit different people. I find it far more weird that you think it is normal to criticise my family's choices to other people.

Ragwort · 23/08/2020 21:10

As a PP says, how do you know who shares a bedroom unless you are with them at bedtime? Confused, I am sure more couples would sleep separately if they had the space. We've been married over 30 years, fortunately have enough bedrooms to each have a comfortable double bedroom. I hate sharing a bedroom ... we are going on holiday next week and I am dreading the sleeping arrangements ... although we have checked that their is a sofa bed available Grin.

I cannot understand how a couple can get any sleep when sharing a bed (although clearly lots do!).

Standrewsschool · 23/08/2020 21:11

My in-laws used to do this.

villanova · 23/08/2020 21:11

My parents slept in different rooms when I was little: dad had COPD and coughed all night, so mum wouldn't share a bedroom with him. Sadly, that meant she & I shared a room, and her loud snoring set off my lifelong inability to share with a snorer!

MaddeningtheUnhelpful · 23/08/2020 21:13

my grandparents always had their own rooms. I don't find it weird at all, I'm looking forward to having a room of my own when my children fly the nest. DH is a big clumsy snoring oath who is perminently on call so I get woken up A LOT

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 23/08/2020 21:16

Not weird at all! As people get older in particular they can have physical issues that make it much easier to have a bed and/ or bedroom of one’s own. And the peace of a room to oneself is so lovely.

If you think about it, it’s a bit odd that once people are a couple they have to share a bed to sleep in!

IAmOptimusPrime · 23/08/2020 21:17

@LucyRivers167 I think it’s perfectly understandable that you sleep in a different room and you shouldn’t feel guilty or embarrassed. Sleep is so important to mental health and yes you’re right he could look in to addressing his snoring.

I think if having separate rooms means a stronger, happier relationship then why not. I’m single and love having my own room and bed, so much so I cannot imagine ever having to share a bed with a partner again 😱

Giraffey1 · 23/08/2020 21:19

I’m not privy to any of my married friends’ sleeping arrangements so can’t comment on what is or isn’t ‘normal’. My view is that if it works for the couple, it, whatever that is, is fine. Your colleague who broadcast it loudly to fellow employees is obviously a bit of a dick.
I do know that one of my siblings sleeps separately from his partner. But they seem perfectly happy together. They are in their 60s, if this is relevant.

Hugsgalore · 23/08/2020 21:22

My husband worked nights for a few years and we slept in separate rooms as he used to wake me coming in and I felt pressured then to get up, dressed and out of the room very early so he slept in another room. His clothes etc were there too. He'd stay with me at weekends and our sex life was fine. It worked for us and its definitely something I'd do again if it meant we were both getting good sleep.
My grand parents slept in separate rooms so as not disturb each other with regular trips to the bathroom at night!

Silvercatowner · 23/08/2020 21:28

Why would you want to sleep separate to the one you love?

We both have huge issues sleeping but we never co-ordinate our sleeplessness, so we wake each other up. I'm a very early riser - OH isn't. OH snores (when he is asleep) and so do I. OH starfishes in the bed. We start off together and I go off to my room when we are on the point of sleep.

Married 34 years.

(I have my own bathroom too... it's bliss...)

ThatDamnScientist · 23/08/2020 21:28

I would love a separate room from from DH, we don't have the room though. My sister and her DH had separate rooms before 30 and before kids.

Wingedharpy · 23/08/2020 21:29

Misskitty, I see you are in your early 30's, so presumably your DH is similar age.

Just wait until you hit the menopause and his prostate is enlarging, necessitating many trips to toilet in the middle of the night where he has to stand for ages meaning he comes back to bed freezing cold and wants to cuddle up to you to get warm, promptly shocking you into a state of wide awakeness.......you'll be desperate for separate bedrooms.

Add in "restless legs" and vivid dreams which necessitate shouting incoherent rubbish at 3am and kicking off bedding ready for fight or flight ......then there's the snoring.

I love the man dearly, but I do not want to share a bedroom with him - and there was a time when I couldn't imagine wanting that either.

MyGirlDaisy · 23/08/2020 21:32

Your colleague was very rude. My DP have been married for 65 years and now sleep in separate rooms because Dad snores and Mum is an insomniac. Suits them, doesn’t mean they love each other less and if people visiting their house find it odd then that’s their problem. My DP are happy!

BrummyMum1 · 23/08/2020 21:41

Definitely an age thing due to ailments and snoring.

DianasLasso · 23/08/2020 21:50

My parents did this for a couple of decades. DMum snored terribly. (I know - I've tried sleeping in the same room as her. Worse than anyone else I've ever come across.) She also really struggled with hot flushes during and post menopause (they never went away). DDad used to get up incredibly early for his job.

They were very happy for nearly 50 years up to DMum's death. DMum used to joke to me that they had "visiting rights" (always delivered with a twinkle in her eye).

frugalkitty · 23/08/2020 21:55

My Dad starting retreating into my room when I was away at uni because my mum had such awful night sweats etc during the menopause and he was always cold (plus a bad back) as she couldn't stand the covers on her....he was teaching full time and needed the sleep! As my brother and I left home, so he ended up in my brothers old room as they both found it much better to sleep apart than constantly disturb each other's sleep night after night. I'd say that as they've just celebrated their 59th wedding anniversary, it hasn't harmed their marriage in the slightest.

BottomOfMyPencilCase · 23/08/2020 22:01

My aunt and uncle had separate rooms. I found it odd growing up but DH and I often sleep in separate rooms now because we have completely different sleeping patterns.

Ahorsecalledseptember · 23/08/2020 22:02

My OH snores, and I move around terribly before settling.

I do feel bad about it, but I honestly don’t think I’d be able to function sharing a bed with him. When we do (on holiday) I only get between 2-3 hours sleep a night.

xanthippe8 · 23/08/2020 22:03

We shared a bedroom for about 20 years, then the snoring/restless legs/menopause shit started to become a problem. I bloody love having my own room, it's my sanctuary, decorated just how I like it, and mine, all mine!

Lindtballsrock · 23/08/2020 22:05

Separate rooms here and we’re not remotely old or unhappy. Just love getting a proper good nights sleep which doesn’t happen when we bed share.

BrokenCrown · 23/08/2020 22:08

We're mid 30s, married 10 years and sleep in separate rooms. Noone else knows cares so I'm sure my colleagues would claim not to know anyone who sleeps separately.

For us it started temporary due to snoring and restless legs, and I am not a morning person at the best of times, and we argued as I would snap because I was just soooooooo tired for work in the morning, but we found there was more guilt/resentment waking up to find the other snuck out in the night than just agreeing it's noone else business if it works for us and sticking to separate rooms.

We still 'go to bed together' cuddle etc but when it's time to sleep we go separate ways and get great nights sleep.

It works for us, but I would neither recommend or try to put off other couples for doing this, do what works for you

SchrodingersImmigrant · 23/08/2020 22:09

Having own space to sleep is the best. The more I sleep, the nicer I am. I can show my DH that I love him during awake hours. We are super compatible couple, just not in sleeping styles.

YorkshireIndie · 23/08/2020 22:10

My maternal grandparents slept separately - apparently due to my grandmother having restless legs. DH and I slept separately due to cosleeping and baby boy. He got more sleep for work and baby boy and I got the bed to ourselves. DH is back in the marital bed but only as the bookend to stop baby boy falling out of bed 😂

mrsbyers · 23/08/2020 22:12

We’ve been married for 7 years and have slept separately for 5 , various issues but mainly snoring (had surgery to try and sort but didn’t) my health issues and the fact he gets up a lot earlier than I do. It works absolutely fine for us , we have our own bathrooms too but when we are at home and awake we spend every minute together really.

corythatwas · 23/08/2020 22:15

I am beginning to gradually move out of our bedroom too and using dd's empty room. Dh needs several more hours sleep than I do and cannot bear for me to have a bedside lamp on, so I have to stumble in in the dark and never be able to read in bed again as long as I live. I had the flu earlier this year and slept in dd's room and it just brought back to me how much I love reading in bed. I love dh but I need my own space.