To not want to sleep in the spare room.

[Misskittyfantastico85]

When I was growing up, both sets of GP had separate bedrooms and it felt like it was completely ok. I never felt it was strange, my nans on both sides had their bedrooms and grandads had their own separate bedrooms. When I met DH, his DM & DSD also had separate bedrooms, and his Ddad and DSM also had separate rooms.

Over the last year my own DP have decided to have their own separate bedrooms. Again, this is my normal and it is something that I have lived with all my life. No marital issues in any of the relationships (obviously that I know of)

When my DM was going through the process of turning my old bedroom into her new room I mentioned to a colleague that I couldn't imagine there being a time when I would want to sleep separate from DH. She looked really shocked and said she'd never heard of anything so ridiculous as a happily married couple sleeping separately and that there must be marriage breakdowns. She said that would be the only reason to sleep separately and have separate bedrooms.

She then went on to take it a bit further and proceeded to tell all other colleagues about the 'weird' setup in misskittys family. I was sat right there.

So my aibu is: is it 'weird' to sleep separately? It's not something I'd really thought too much about until it was mocked and I was made to feel it was strange.

I don’t know any couples that live together but have separate bedrooms!

Oh, tell a lie-my in laws did when they were struggling to sell their house when they divorced. It wasn’t for long though.

Your colleague wasn’t being terribly empathic though.

As someone with arthritis, I can definitely see why it’s common in older generations to do this.
My GPs had 2 single beds pushed together which I think would be my preference before going down the route of separate bedrooms as the issue for me is the constant moving I have to do to get comfortable so I can imagine 2 people with arthritis would be a nightmare to sleep in the same bed

No I dont think its weird. Dh works shift and would suit me down to ground to have seperate room

My DH and I often sleep in separate rooms. I sleep so much better on my own. We celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary tomorrow and our relationship is good.

do whatever is comfortable and right for you both.
Have a good discussion on it.
Dh has sleep apnoea and the machine is noisy. He also removes it during the night ( to go to the bathroom) and comes back to bed and does not put it on. Result I am woke with his dreadful snoring.
That said we still mostly prefer to sleep in same room and are much older.
Its just personal choice.

I don't think it is weird. Financial it may be difficult to achieve for some and the physical reasons that may it more desirable may be more likely to occur in later middle age and beyond.

Whatever you choose for your comfort.

The question is, and forgive me, WHO decides to move to the other room for a bit of nookie, lol.

DH and I sleep separately during the week when DS is ill/teething/ any other number of reasons why he suddenly stops sleeping through and will end up in our bed in the early hours. We both work full time and us both being physically exhausted every day was a nightmare, I don't see this being a long term thing.
My grandparents on both sides now in their eighties, have lovely affectionate relationships but have separate bedrooms now, mainly due to varying health conditions eg maternal grandfather needs a bed that rises etc to allow him to get up, goes to bed fairly early and due to diabetes and other health conditions is always cold, so needs a thick duvet, windows closed etc, whereas maternal grandma needs less sleep and gets hot flushes and has restless leg syndrome. So she goes to bed later, fan on, window open, very thin duvet. Suits them both and add they are both then well rested has a positive impact on their relationship.

It sounds eminently sensible. It's the ones who sleep in the same bed that are the weirdos.

@pinktophat

Your title doesn't reflect your post content

Ha ha - this!

But also, My maternal grandparents slept in separate rooms, my paternal grandparents shared.

I prefer to share BUT I'm also a life long insomniac so I have the whole house, spare bed room living room, you name it and I like that option.

I don't know. I like time alone and I sometimes feel it's weird to commit to sharing a room and a bed for a lifetime. We aspire to our children having their own rooms and space. But then being together side by side had led to immense closeness over twenty years, little rituals like coffee and papers in bed at the weekends and more and more mutual affection over the years. It means compromises, and that consideration for each other grows our relationship. And when weird things beep or alarms go off in the night he is awake and compos mentis quicker than me so I don't have to sort anything out.

Not everyone has the luxury of being able to choose, of course, but sure, it's perfectly fine. Harold Pinter and Antonia Fraser had, to my mind, the ideal arrangement of living in neighbouring, separate houses.

We sleep separately because both of us snore.

It’s not odd. It’s just not what the majority can do due to overcrowding and a housing crisis. Your colleague was probably jealous, and nasty.

My sister in law and husband sleep separately, and I only found this out when they were coming to stay (pre-Covid) and asked for a room each. a bit difficult in a 3 bed house with 3 DC but hey
He is morbidly obese with sleep apnoea and uses a CPAP mask at night and she can't sleep with the noise of the machine.

My first thought, with people sleeping separately for non-medical reasons, would be that the marriage is in trouble - but after reading this thread, I guess I would be wrong in most cases.

I don't think it's weird. I remember my grandparents had separate rooms but my parents shared a room right up until my DF died. My mum's BF and her husband have separate rooms. There are no spare rooms in our house and my DH spends every night up and down pacing with cramp which wakes me as a light sleeper then is fast asleep whilst it takes me ages to get back to sleep so sometimes (only sometimes though) I wish we had separate rooms. It's all down to personal preference and there is no right or wrong in my opinion

I think as you get older you often don't sleep as well and get disturbed more easily by the other person snoring or moving around so separate bedrooms makes sense if it helps you sleep better.

Don’t think my marriage is in trouble and we always start off together but I generally wake up about 4am and can’t get back to sleep so go to the spare room.

I think you may feel differently when you hit the menopause, and can't regulate your temperature or even get to sleep at all!

Love sleeping in the spare room. Started just before Lockdown because I was feeling under the weather and really thought my husband would complain.. He doesn't go to bed til at least 1.30am and always woke me up, plus he snores. Apparently I do too ! So he was only too happy with the arrrangement. Don't know about him but I have never slept so well since we got married 42 years ago! When my grandson came to sleep over recently he went in with my husband because he was nervous about having his own room. When asked about how he had slept, my grandson said that his grandpa had woken him up at 1.30am !!!

We’re in our late 30s, together 12 years, married for 9 years, no kids and have separate bedrooms. We have 4 bedrooms (sorry!). We didn’t live together before getting married (logistics, not religious reasons), so both had a long period of sleeping alone. He’s a snuggler, I overheat, I kept waking up with my head on the bedside cabinet after being chased across the bed. We get decent sleep and great sex (2/3x a week). There’s no set pattern on who goes to who.

Yes, it’s weird. Why would you want to sleep separate to the one you love?

Barring severe sleep disturbance issues, of course.

We sleep separately- have a “master” bedroom each kitted out as we like. It’s bloody marvelous.

Sleeping together is a very modern invention. Historically only the poor shared a bed.

We sleep in separate rooms OP. He snores really badly and I'm a terrible sleeper/chronic insomniac.

There's folk here saying, "I don't know a single couple who sleep separately", but unless you're in all their houses when they go to bed you wouldn't necessarily know. It tends to be something you don't bring up due to weird responses like your colleagues. My mum pronounced it "odd" when she realised we sleep in separate rooms, but this is the same woman who hasn't slept through the night in 40 years because my dad snores like a donkey!

I don't think attitudes like your colleagues are unusual though. It's something I've found that some people feel very strongly about. Other folk like me are, "meh.... whatever brings sleep".

I think it's quite common in older people.

Also common in couples that are on the way out of a relationship. Although, perhaps some pop in for sex and then back out again for sleep - who knows. However, some say snoring stops them from sleeping in the same room so if they have space....

Personal choice really. A super king size bed might be the best of both worlds - space plus intimacy ..