Am I been unreasonable? Child access

[pj722]

So, dad here

I have been separated from my wife for a year and a half. We have a 3 year old. We was together 10 years and married. She is 30 and I am 35.

The marital home is now sold, in the last few months and completed. I am still at my mums pending my new house being ready. My ex has now got a shared ownership 4 bedroom house on the same new estate as we lived on before, and as a father I always wanted her and my son to be sorted first. In order to do this, out about £27,000 equity, I ended up with 4k as we paid her car loan, PERSONAL loan, part of her credit card and enough for her a deposit for a new house. It was more than fair on her behalf and a year later until house was sold ive been with my mum. Not easy. I also took majority of credit card debt.

She works as a teacher, 3 days a week, earns about £1340 a month for that. She gets £300 CSA from me, and £86 child allowance, oh and she got some universal credit on top for nursery, but I still paid more than half of nursery on top of CSA. Thankfully our son is now 3 and from 7th sept he gets 30 hours free.

She regularly complains that she cannot manage financially, reasons such as smoking etc are a factor But anyway, that isn’t the point of this.

I work shifts. 6 days on, 4 day off, this is 2 earlies, 2 lates and 2 nights.

Since we split I have my son on 3 of my days off and sometimes after my second early and into the late shift.
So usually out of 10 days I have him overnight 3- 4, mostly 4. It has always worked well.

All of a sudden she has now decided that me working shifts doesn’t provide stability for our son. It would be nice to have more consistency, however he is a very happy boy and knows he gets 3 good days with his dad on his days off.

She doesn’t seem to accept this all of a sudden but maybe it could be because she has met someone new.
I have done a lot of research and it seems the amount of days that a) don’t see their children, b) see them one every 2 weeks is astounding. And I’m getting it in the neck for having him technically 4 in 10?

I would love to see my son more, however due to giving her most of the money from the divorce and having bigger debts I have no choice to carry on working what I do and what I earn. I also need a house now for me and my son too.

I think the question is, what can I do? I don’t think I’m been unreasonable.

The thing is, if she didn’t get the £300 a month CSA she would struggle, but if it came to the point it was half and half she wouldn’t get any CSA and I wonder if she should even get what she gets if I’m already having him 4 nights in 10.

I know this may sound ridiculous bit if I had to have him more and most of the time, then I would consider an aupair and give them £300 a month!

I have to work and do the job I do. I have no choice in the current climate to take pay cuts, change jobs. I did say to her we both need to be thankful we have jobs, and that I am very much part of my little boys life.

All he cares about is being happy, and he gets 4 days off with me so its great.

I don’t want to go to court, because I have never known people go to court because one parent in other parents opinion doesn’t have their child enough, It’s just ridiculous. Surely a judge would accept I’ve done what I’ve done to make sure she and my son are okay.

She isn’t the best communicator most of the time.

It’s my time to get sorted now.

Great idea! Start with 50/50 access.

If this really bothers you, go for 50/50 and arrange childcare for when you need it.

The phrase on call simply means that she is deemed to be available when you're not...so you dictate when you are available to parent and she picks up the rest.b

Minimumstandard 'Just out of interest, does anyone know of any single mums who also work shifts in this way but are the main carers for their children? How do they manage? Who facilitates them?'

Yes, me. I facilitate it with my salary from my shift working job and a variety of different childcare options. No family help available nearby, and ex is unreliable at best. It's difficult and expensive, but there is no alternative to shifts in my line of work. My son and I spend lots of time together and he is not at all unhappy with the hours I work because he has never known any different. We have a very happy life together

My exh works shifts and has done since we split. There was always a pattern but it’s quite random. The kids were absolutely fine with it. For some people it just isn’t possible to do set days. It was slightly frustrating that my life revolved around his shifts but I knew them in advance and there wasn’t an alternative. Not sure if that’s helpful but I wanted to make the point that not all children need set days - some are genuinely happy to spend quality time with their dad. Another massive positive is that whenever they are/were with him, he was off so could give them his undivided attention and they didn’t need to go to after or before school care.

@Evilwasps

Minimumstandard 'Just out of interest, does anyone know of any single mums who also work shifts in this way but are the main carers for their children? How do they manage? Who facilitates them?'

Yes, me. I facilitate it with my salary from my shift working job and a variety of different childcare options. No family help available nearby, and ex is unreliable at best. It's difficult and expensive, but there is no alternative to shifts in my line of work. My son and I spend lots of time together and he is not at all unhappy with the hours I work because he has never known any different. We have a very happy life together

She’s not a single mum

OP why have you picked one of the few comments that supports you 100% - and goes in for dramatics in the process by calling the majority “man hating” rather than a different point of view - and called that “the best comment”?

It all sounds very much like you’re not listening.

OP what would you do if she text you saying she’s moved her timetable around for 6 weeks time and is working the opposite days.

You’d probably ask why she’s telling you. You probably wouldn’t assume she’s tacitly implying you need to call nursery to rearrange on her behalf. Because that’s what being on call/default parent means. You’re the one the buck stops with. It’s a lot easier to fulfil that role with set days.

She’s not a single mum

In what way is she not a single mum?

Ps - Just as a complete aside, I used to work unpredictable hours and had an au pair . It did work but I think they are much rarer now. Brexit has slightly ruined this as a childcare option.

The OP is not the "on call" parent. He gets to pick and choose when he has their DC. His ex is. Because she has to be prepared to look after their DC whenever they are not with dad or at nursery. If the child is ill, she has to collect from nursery. If the childcare arrangements break down, she carries the can for it. I'm assuming she had the child during lockdown when nurseries were shut... If she wants to go out with friends, she has to organise childcare. The OP has none of this to worry about. Ergo, he is not on call for his child. He can put his own schedule first and just have them when it suits.

Some of comments on here are unbelievable. One parents works shifts - THAT IS HIS JOB for crying out loud. He cant just change jobs because the other parents decides she needs a fixed schedule.

Im assuming you know your shift pattern then she can work around it. Not bloody rocket science.

This is just like a friend who works a week away and then week home (pattern before he even met her). His ex decided he have to have kids every week instead of week about. So she just decided to stop contact

As someone married to a shift worker, my career has been limited as to the hours I can do because of my husband s shift, I expect that ad we are married and for the same of our family accept that is how it is, however if we were divorced and I STILL had to plan my life based around his shift work it would massively piss me off, it would mean very little weekend access for me, therefore doing weekly donkey work drop offs etc. Not saying it's the same for you, but you are separated now, you are no longer a family unit. You also sound bitter af. You should probably reflect on that.

@Pogmella

OP what would you do if she text you saying she’s moved her timetable around for 6 weeks time and is working the opposite days.

You’d probably ask why she’s telling you. You probably wouldn’t assume she’s tacitly implying you need to call nursery to rearrange on her behalf. Because that’s what being on call/default parent means. You’re the one the buck stops with. It’s a lot easier to fulfil that role with set days.

I Would call nursery. Plan ahead. Change my shifts if needed. She does nothing in relation to sorting my things out. I sorted his nursery, I applied for his 30 hours. I support her even sort her bills out!

And one of my mum friends works shift. Complete single parent as ex in another country and all family 3 hours five away. She has two night sitters she uses for evening and nights obviously, then daycare/afterschools and holiday club for school holidays.

@Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches

OP why have you picked one of the few comments that supports you 100% - and goes in for dramatics in the process by calling the majority “man hating” rather than a different point of view - and called that “the best comment”?

It all sounds very much like you’re not listening.

It’s because he’s not here for advice - he’s here for an ego stroke about what a good man and good dad he is, and for an opportunity to show his misogyny. And luckily Mumsnet these days has plenty of posters who are happy to oblige.

That’s why he won’t say why he won’t get 50/50 access, it’s because he doesn’t want it. But that’s won’t paint him as the good one, so he ignores it.

Well don’t sort her bills for her! That’s not your job at all now.

I feel that a lot more proper separation between you both - knowing that finances are separate and have been separated finally, and that each of you have your time with ds which is yours to cover if needs be, would be beneficial. A fixed schedule would probably help with this. Try to make the lines and distinct as possible and nothing blurred.

@Minimumstandard

The OP is not the "on call" parent. He gets to pick and choose when he has their DC. His ex is. Because she has to be prepared to look after their DC whenever they are not with dad or at nursery. If the child is ill, she has to collect from nursery. If the childcare arrangements break down, she carries the can for it. I'm assuming she had the child during lockdown when nurseries were shut... If she wants to go out with friends, she has to organise childcare. The OP has none of this to worry about. Ergo, he is not on call for his child. He can put his own schedule first and just have them when it suits.

That's not quite true is it? If the child is ill dad may very well be off anyway. You're probably assuming wrong re lockdown, if op has 4 days off in a row why wouldn't he have had the child then?

You say he's putting his own schedule first like he's out on the town every weekend. He's working - to pay maintenance and childcare for his child and to provide a home.

‘I am literally creased up laughing. Christ knows what my kids think of me and their dad. We have worked shifts for their entire lives and trust me they are not frightened and bewildered children’

Who says that shift working equals frightened and bewildered children?

@Waveysnail. But the only reason he CAN work shifts is because his ex facilitates it. If she wanted to change career and train as a police officer, she wouldn't be able to because there would be no one to facilitate her. As it is, he earns more than her because she does this.

Btw, I agree with pp who say she needs to consider the financial impact if the OP were to change jobs/go for 50/50 contact. She might not like it at all and might decide facilitating him to work is worth it for her.

So the 30 hours of free childcare is used when SHE works. If you are to have your DS more then this needs to be addressed.

[quote Minimumstandard]@Waveysnail. But the only reason he CAN work shifts is because his ex facilitates it. If she wanted to change career and train as a police officer, she wouldn't be able to because there would be no one to facilitate her. As it is, he earns more than her because she does this.

Btw, I agree with pp who say she needs to consider the financial impact if the OP were to change jobs/go for 50/50 contact. She might not like it at all and might decide facilitating him to work is worth it for her.[/quote]
He earns more than she does because she works part time.

OP unless you have set days and arrange nursery for when your shifts fall on those days then I’m afraid she is ‘sorting your things out’. Just because she isn’t working 2 days a week does not mean she’s sat about waiting to find out if you are.

You send her your shift pattern, she works around it by sorting childcare or rearranging her own commitments. She doesn’t want to anymore.

It’s good you do some of the admin but you don’t get a medal for that I’m afraid- he’s your son and so you should. I would suggest you stop paying her bills unless you mean childcare which is not necessarily ‘her’ bill.

@Minimumstandard

Just out of interest, does anyone know of any single mums who also work shifts in this way but are the main carers for their children? How do they manage? Who facilitates them?

I was a single Mum who worked shifts. Sometimes I would be at work on Friday and would be nagging my manager for next week's rota My mum did all my childcare. My ex refused to have the dc anything over and above 10-6 (if that) on a Saturday. He didn't even have a job, but heaven forbid he should make my life easier !

@TrustTheGeneGenie. You really don't understand what "on call" means, do you? Yes, the OP might do these things IF HE IS FREE. But he can't guarantee this. His ex has to do them, whether she's free or not, because she's the parent with primary childcare responsibility. She can't tell nursery, "I'm too busy working to come and get my child, call his dad!"

Some of these comments my god.

“What happens if she wanted to go and work shifts”

She complains about finances but won’t go back to work an extra day. Do you really think for a minute she will work shifts!

And no. I’m not being bitter