Am I been unreasonable? Child access

[pj722]

So, dad here

I have been separated from my wife for a year and a half. We have a 3 year old. We was together 10 years and married. She is 30 and I am 35.

The marital home is now sold, in the last few months and completed. I am still at my mums pending my new house being ready. My ex has now got a shared ownership 4 bedroom house on the same new estate as we lived on before, and as a father I always wanted her and my son to be sorted first. In order to do this, out about £27,000 equity, I ended up with 4k as we paid her car loan, PERSONAL loan, part of her credit card and enough for her a deposit for a new house. It was more than fair on her behalf and a year later until house was sold ive been with my mum. Not easy. I also took majority of credit card debt.

She works as a teacher, 3 days a week, earns about £1340 a month for that. She gets £300 CSA from me, and £86 child allowance, oh and she got some universal credit on top for nursery, but I still paid more than half of nursery on top of CSA. Thankfully our son is now 3 and from 7th sept he gets 30 hours free.

She regularly complains that she cannot manage financially, reasons such as smoking etc are a factor But anyway, that isn’t the point of this.

I work shifts. 6 days on, 4 day off, this is 2 earlies, 2 lates and 2 nights.

Since we split I have my son on 3 of my days off and sometimes after my second early and into the late shift.
So usually out of 10 days I have him overnight 3- 4, mostly 4. It has always worked well.

All of a sudden she has now decided that me working shifts doesn’t provide stability for our son. It would be nice to have more consistency, however he is a very happy boy and knows he gets 3 good days with his dad on his days off.

She doesn’t seem to accept this all of a sudden but maybe it could be because she has met someone new.
I have done a lot of research and it seems the amount of days that a) don’t see their children, b) see them one every 2 weeks is astounding. And I’m getting it in the neck for having him technically 4 in 10?

I would love to see my son more, however due to giving her most of the money from the divorce and having bigger debts I have no choice to carry on working what I do and what I earn. I also need a house now for me and my son too.

I think the question is, what can I do? I don’t think I’m been unreasonable.

The thing is, if she didn’t get the £300 a month CSA she would struggle, but if it came to the point it was half and half she wouldn’t get any CSA and I wonder if she should even get what she gets if I’m already having him 4 nights in 10.

I know this may sound ridiculous bit if I had to have him more and most of the time, then I would consider an aupair and give them £300 a month!

I have to work and do the job I do. I have no choice in the current climate to take pay cuts, change jobs. I did say to her we both need to be thankful we have jobs, and that I am very much part of my little boys life.

All he cares about is being happy, and he gets 4 days off with me so its great.

I don’t want to go to court, because I have never known people go to court because one parent in other parents opinion doesn’t have their child enough, It’s just ridiculous. Surely a judge would accept I’ve done what I’ve done to make sure she and my son are okay.

She isn’t the best communicator most of the time.

Of course, you’re a cop, right? And had an obliging wife facilitating shifts and overtime. You may find your career progression limited now you’re a single parent, thems the breaks tho.

@Forgetaboutme

I think the arrangement you have now is fine for while your son is 3. I agree with others though that it won't be practical when he goes to school. It will be a pain for organising any youth clubs he is going to or any birthday parties he gets invited to. It will be harder for him to arrange to play with friends. As he gets older it will be much easier if he had specific days to spend with you and is able to understand and articulate these when making plans. It may be a long way off but there's a big difference between the social and hobby lives of a 3 and for example a 6 year old! How you sort it, I have no idea.... I just don't think she's being completely unreasonable planting the seed.

If a party falls on mum’s day she takes him. If it falls on dad’s day then he takes him. Same for clubs etc. How do you think parents who live together but whose days at work change manage?

It feels like you are saying that because of what you did for her financially she has no right to ask you this or even question it. Of course she can. Did you do this financially to help her or did you do it to hold it over her? I don’t think you are a bad guy but you can’t have it every single way you want it on just your terms of what you think is ok

Just out of interest, does anyone know of any single mums who also work shifts in this way but are the main carers for their children? How do they manage? Who facilitates them?

The OP suggests she has asked about this, she’s not threatening you with court or no access right? You can say no to her and unlikely to be any bad consequences to doing so. She’s not going to try to take you to court by the sounds of things. Is she just trying to talk about it? Have a discussion? This seems like an over reaction on your part. If you can’t change job just tell her that! But talk to her

@Pogmella

Of course, you’re a cop, right? And had an obliging wife facilitating shifts and overtime. You may find your career progression limited now you’re a single parent, thems the breaks tho.

I’m not a cop. No. I work for that organisation though. Before I get thrown under the bus no I didn’t have an affair. ..

I work hard. I provide for my child, more than said for a lot.

“Disgruntled women” lovely

The credit cards you’re so graciously paying off, was that debt all of her own making? If so, why are you paying them off?

Same with the aforementioned loan, you say she had a personal loan, was this for buying a handbag or something?

I’m no disgruntled woman. However, I’ve watched parents really struggle when it comes to trying to fit their lives around an ex who works shift work. One is a professional in a medical field (I mention this only because you seem fixated on the monetary aspect of all of this), she had a very amicable relationship with her ex and still she struggled with his shift pattern. Because it IS a struggle to organise childcare/ pickups etc when someone is x days on/ y days off (so she can’t just arrange to have someone do school pickups on certain days all the time for example) and even more difficult when you start a new relationship and just want a normal schedule.

FWIW? I do think your ex needs to pick up some slack and work more hours. She’s forever going to have you lording £300 over her head and having to deal with your shift work pattern otherwise. And presumably you will be happier as well. Win win.

OP, I'm interested in how you would manage if your ex said she didn't want to be the main carer anymore but would pay you £300 plus half of nursery? What would you do then?

@Tyersal

I think what a lot of people are missing us that if op changes job to something more child hours friendly he will A - earn less so if not doing 50/50 will still pay less so the mother will be worse off

B - could potentially them have his son 50/50 and not pay and maintenance and so the mother will be worse off

Actually that’s a good point. If he starts working mon-fri 9 to 5 they’ll need full time childcare or mum will will have to have the child at home on her days off. And contact with dad will reduce to evenings and/or weekends. Shifts are a pain in the arse but the alternative might not be perfect either.

I got bored halfway through catching up with your responses. You've been given really good advice. Finances are irrelevant, her new bloke is irrelevant, her work is irrelevant. You need to separate the issues and make sure that you are doing all that you can to ensure stability for your child. Most children clearly benefit from a clear schedule. That could be X days week 1 and Y days week 2, an EOW arrangement or anything in between. The specifics typically don't matter but the majority of children, in my experience, benefit from consistency with their parents.

@Minimumstandard

Just out of interest, does anyone know of any single mums who also work shifts in this way but are the main carers for their children? How do they manage? Who facilitates them?

I know of a nurse who works (part time) shifts. Either Dad or grandparents do overnights.

Bloody hell - I wish you were my ex - mine left me homeless with a suitcase of clothes and when I finally broke down took our son.

So, when you say you have four days off are these a predictable set of days? Could you map out the days reliably for the next 12 months? If so, then she’s got nothing to complain about

@Barbie222 I'm sorry but I disagree with you there. Parents need a job to pay for their child, to house them, feed them and clothe them. You make sure you have a job first before you have a child, for those reasons.
Are you actually saying the OP gives up his job? Are you crazy? Have you seen how many people have lost their jobs recently, how difficult it will be for them to get another?
The worst this the OP could do right now is give up his job.

My DH used to work shifts when his children were small. His ex told him that he needed to change jobs even though like you, they were fixed shifts which never changed. When she found how much he (and then she) would lose financially going onto day shifts, she soon changed her mind.

He used to print out a calendar and add them manually on for her in quarterly periods, as she couldnt work it out..

Could you have him 50/50 and arrange child care for the days / nights you are working?

I think unless you're on set shifts it's probably complicated.

You feel resentful about finances so maybe a 50/50 split could be a big help to you, so you lose the £300/month expense. If you're struggling with your outgoings then there are several charities that help with debt advice. It's not your ex's problem though.

@Minimumstandard

Just out of interest, does anyone know of any single mums who also work shifts in this way but are the main carers for their children? How do they manage? Who facilitates them?

I was that parent. Mine are older now, but when we separated I wouldn’t have dreamt of expecting my Ex to work around my shifts. So I did all the things that I’ve advised the OP to do. Like using my annual leave solely to cover as many night shifts as I could, by asking family members to help (the OP lives with his parents so they’re obviously involved) I spoke to my boss and was able to arrange some flexibility. And I spoke to my colleagues who were able to support by swapping shifts occasionally. And I paid for childcare when all of the above still didn’t cover it.

That’s one of the costs of divorce when you have small children. It’s not up to the other parent to fix things for you.

^^
What beelola said. I was trying to keep up and give you advice but I don’t think you want to listen.

catch up on sleep? I work shifts, I work nights, getup at 11a, (after 4 hours) and have my son for 3 days.If I am not working I have my son, so when do I get a free weekend?

I am not sure this has been plotted very well. She gets more time on her own, than I do. Im either at work or have my son.

^^
This is not really relevant. It’s not about who has more time on their own. It’s about consistent time off/ on, and people being able to plan their lives.

Ignore people saying things like “she shouldn’t have a better standard of living than she could if you hadn’t been married”. It’s totally irrelevant to the childcare issue, and is only going to make you think the finances are relevant (they aren’t). It can’t be quantified either, because had you not been married she wouldn’t have had a child or taken time out to do that/ have childcare to consider.

@supersonicginandtonic of course they do, but you don't always have the right to work any shift pattern you like. I know I can't consider a job with night shifts. Yes, it limits the jobs I can do but that's the reality of being the default parent isn't it? I wonder what a single mother in the same job would do. I think we all know, though.

The bitter brigade is out in full force op. I personally thing your ex is being unreasonable, think some people are expecting you to ditch your job and walk into another one...perhaps you should maybe just quit your job and claim benefits and be available to have your son to a strict routine...dont worry about supporting your son financially..oh no wait..that wouldnt be good enough either...you basically cant win..so continue with what your doing...good luck

Sorry about the bold fail above!

@Minimumstandard

OP, I'm interested in how you would manage if your ex said she didn't want to be the main carer anymore but would pay you £300 plus half of nursery? What would you do then?

I would quite happily Work 3 days a week, get her to pay me CSA and have the child allowance every month.

@Minimumstandard

Just out of interest, does anyone know of any single mums who also work shifts in this way but are the main carers for their children? How do they manage? Who facilitates them?

I do actually. Their ex does in the situation of the woman I know.

@Minimumstandard

His ex being on-call for childcare 24/7 is facilitating the OP's life to a much greater extent than the £300 he gives her a month in child maintenance.

On call for childcare? Sorry it is not her child too or is she just doing childcare for him?

I mean where I come from its just looking after your own child.

@TrustTheGeneGenie. But surely the ex is the main carer then? I.e. the default parent?