To think that's it's perfectly fine to go for a coffee with a friend without inviting others?

[WhatamessIgotinto]

There are 5 of us in a friendship group, we've all known each other over ten years and have a lot of fun together. Occasional weekends away, meals out etc. Sometimes we'll meet up for a coffee somewhere when it's all of us, sometimes a couple of us/them will meet up etc. All good as far as I'm concerned.

One of the women messaged me yesterday to ask if I fancied a coffee at a new tea room where they have a big garden, so no issue with social distancing etc. Lovely. We went - spend two hours there and had a nice chat, I haven't seen her for months because of CoVID.

I sent a message to one of the others last night and got a reply saying she's seen my car outside the place as she was passing. I said 'yes, I met ** for a catch up, it was nice in there if you fancy it some time'. Her reply was 'well I would have fancied it today but I wasn't invited'. I thought she was joking initially but no, she's sent a message on group chat saying that she doesn't think it's kind to leave other people out and can we agree that we should all at least have an invitation to such things next time. The other women are all ??? and also initially thought she was kidding, particularly as out of all of us, she is the one most likely to arrange something without the others - which is absolutely fine - no one has an issue with that. She does like to know what everyone is up to and finds it strange if people don't tag themselves in on FB etc (something I never do).

I just can't be arsed with it. We're all in our early 50s and just find this all so ridiculous. I can't be bothered with this schoolkid stuff and neither, it seems, can the others as they've all said the same thing. One has also reminded her of when she asked her and one of the others to go on holiday and that she's going away for the weekend with one of them at Christmas (also fine) and that's gone down like a lead balloon and now she's not talking to any of us. I also don't want her to feel shit because I genuinely really like her! AIBU to think that it's perfectly fine, and normal, for friends not to do every single little thing together??

Why don't you just say sorry? She's obv upset and has felt left out. Yes it's childish, yes it's insecure, yes it's irritating and annoying, but just say sorry and it'll blow over which is what you want??

What do you want me to apologise for @coronafiona, genuinely? Being invited out for a coffee with a mutual friend? I am a ridiculous people pleaser and always apologise if I've done something wrong, but I'm not a total mug.
What would I even be saying sorry for?

@HelloDulling @BlogTheBlogger OK well we might need back up - so you could be at the next table ready to step in if things get lairy?

@intheningnangnong you're on - it would have to be a secret though. 🤣

OP perhaps when this is over we could go for a coffee? Just us though, none of the others on this thread.

You know, it's NOT KIND to leave other people out! And to demonstrate this, I will get my husband to post rebuking your Excluding Coffee!!!

@WhatamessIgotinto

Why don't you just say sorry? She's obv upset and has felt left out. Yes it's childish, yes it's insecure, yes it's irritating and annoying, but just say sorry and it'll blow over which is what you want??

What do you want me to apologise for @coronafiona, genuinely? Being invited out for a coffee with a mutual friend? I am a ridiculous people pleaser and always apologise if I've done something wrong, but I'm not a total mug.
What would I even be saying sorry for?

@HelloDulling @BlogTheBlogger OK well we might need back up - so you could be at the next table ready to step in if things get lairy?

I totally get that you've nothing to say sorry for, just in the spirit of keeping the peace etc. Lockdown has made people quite... sensitive hasn't it

When I want to keep the peace without directly saying sorry for something I have done if I don't feel I did anything wrong, I just say 'sorry if you were upset/felt left out/ annoyed/ etc ' which is my way of saying sorry not sorry

I think the time to say something is now - get it out and then shut it down. Much easier on Whatsapp than in a hideous atmosphere which will ruin the meetup?

Hey, x, I'm really sorry you felt left out but we've always had smaller meetups with just two or three every now and then, including you! Sometimes there's a personal thing that's just better discussed one to one, sometimes it just ..happens! It's really no biggie and doesn't mean we don't love you, just as it doesn't mean you don't love us when you do it. Let's move on and have a nice coffee/drink whatever on Tuesday shall we - it'll be lovely to see everyone.

I'd be tempted to reply: yes you are this time.

I'm not going to apologise. I don't want to be a cow but I'm not apologising for going for a coffee with a friend, that just seems so ridiculous. The more I think about it, the more times I remember when she went out and asked one or two of us and I honestly didn't care because there's nothing to actually care about!

She hasn't said anything further and the group convo has moved on to normal inane shite so I'm hoping she just contributes and we can just get over this silliness.

She’ll be absolutely festering and the next thing will be that all the upset has made her ill and she won’t be able to attend 🙄

@WhatamessIgotinto

I'm not going to apologise. I don't want to be a cow but I'm not apologising for going for a coffee with a friend, that just seems so ridiculous. The more I think about it, the more times I remember when she went out and asked one or two of us and I honestly didn't care because there's nothing to actually care about!

She hasn't said anything further and the group convo has moved on to normal inane shite so I'm hoping she just contributes and we can just get over this silliness.

Absolutely right, you’ve done nothing at all that warrants an apology!

OP, if she does turn up late and causes a scene by having a strop...exit quickly stage left.🙄

I would be motified to be seen to be associated with such a grouping! Cringe

Yikes. My mum can be a bit like this.

@WhatamessIgotinto

I'm not going to apologise. I don't want to be a cow but I'm not apologising for going for a coffee with a friend, that just seems so ridiculous. The more I think about it, the more times I remember when she went out and asked one or two of us and I honestly didn't care because there's nothing to actually care about!

She hasn't said anything further and the group convo has moved on to normal inane shite so I'm hoping she just contributes and we can just get over this silliness.

You're absolutely right @WhatamessIgotinto You have nothing to apologise for! Hope Sunday is drama free 😊

I bet she brings it up Sunday. Do not give in.

How absolutely juvenile, I could not be doing with this. Well done for not fanning the flames

Taps feet....it’s such a long time until Sunday.

@LightDrizzle

Taps feet....it’s such a long time until Sunday.

It really is.

Hopefully her husband will pop up again soon.

It's so childish, it sound to me like she sees herself as the centre of your group and that you should all circle around her at all times and she doesn't like that there is a dynamic where she isn't at the centre.
It isn't that she feels left out, it is that she is worried that she missed something.

I'm so looking forward to Sunday!

Can't believe she asked if she was 'invited this time" - how ridiculous!

You could say to her ‘have I been invited every time?’ And watch while she flusters.

@VitreousHumour

I think the time to say something is now - get it out and then shut it down. Much easier on Whatsapp than in a hideous atmosphere which will ruin the meetup?

Hey, x, I'm really sorry you felt left out but we've always had smaller meetups with just two or three every now and then, including you! Sometimes there's a personal thing that's just better discussed one to one, sometimes it just ..happens! It's really no biggie and doesn't mean we don't love you, just as it doesn't mean you don't love us when you do it. Let's move on and have a nice coffee/drink whatever on Tuesday shall we - it'll be lovely to see everyone.

I agree.

It won't be very nice on Sunday unless you nip it in the bud now.

I'd be tempted to make a list of all her 1:1 meet ups which she had told you about over the years and either present her with it (complete with dates) or simply reel them off as a verbal list (in a neutral tone) when she complains. Then say that since it was OK for her to do all those things all those times (and it really was), surely it's fine for you and friend to have a 1:1 coffee as well.

What a dick head of a husband.

Am googling fake mustaches as we speak...
Really made me

It won't be very nice on Sunday unless you nip it in the bud now.
The only person it won't be nice for is the drama llama herself. There's nothing to 'nip in the bud'; she's just trying to make up an issue out of thin air.