Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that's it's perfectly fine to go for a coffee with a friend without inviting others?

342 replies

WhatamessIgotinto · 23/08/2020 11:10

There are 5 of us in a friendship group, we've all known each other over ten years and have a lot of fun together. Occasional weekends away, meals out etc. Sometimes we'll meet up for a coffee somewhere when it's all of us, sometimes a couple of us/them will meet up etc. All good as far as I'm concerned.

One of the women messaged me yesterday to ask if I fancied a coffee at a new tea room where they have a big garden, so no issue with social distancing etc. Lovely. We went - spend two hours there and had a nice chat, I haven't seen her for months because of CoVID.

I sent a message to one of the others last night and got a reply saying she's seen my car outside the place as she was passing. I said 'yes, I met ** for a catch up, it was nice in there if you fancy it some time'. Her reply was 'well I would have fancied it today but I wasn't invited'. I thought she was joking initially but no, she's sent a message on group chat saying that she doesn't think it's kind to leave other people out and can we agree that we should all at least have an invitation to such things next time. The other women are all ??? and also initially thought she was kidding, particularly as out of all of us, she is the one most likely to arrange something without the others - which is absolutely fine - no one has an issue with that. She does like to know what everyone is up to and finds it strange if people don't tag themselves in on FB etc (something I never do).

I just can't be arsed with it. We're all in our early 50s and just find this all so ridiculous. I can't be bothered with this schoolkid stuff and neither, it seems, can the others as they've all said the same thing. One has also reminded her of when she asked her and one of the others to go on holiday and that she's going away for the weekend with one of them at Christmas (also fine) and that's gone down like a lead balloon and now she's not talking to any of us. I also don't want her to feel shit because I genuinely really like her! AIBU to think that it's perfectly fine, and normal, for friends not to do every single little thing together??

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatamessIgotinto · 25/08/2020 14:24

@BlogTheBlogger

Oh she will turn up!! Trying to be all breezy (I hate that expression but I cant think of another Grin) and waill make sure you are all these before she makes her entrance.

She will try to keep "above" everyone and not totally join in, then after 20 mins explode as no-one is taking much notice of her, and you are all being so unfair middle aged Violet Elizabeth Bott! Oh to be a fly on the wall

I think this is exactly what will happen!

I hate conflict and always end up laughing inappropriately which will probably make things ten times worse but it just all seems so ridiculous. 5 women in their 50s meeting at a tea room and all hell could break loose. Grin

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 25/08/2020 14:30

I’m still holding out hope for your blunter friend to post “Grow up!” in reply to her ridiculous WhatsApp post.
So annoying. I’m a similar age and I’d really hate this.

Her lack of self-awareness is the worse thing for me. The hypocrisy.

bemusedmoose · 25/08/2020 14:33

I've had this issue. I was the 'other woman' the friend that goes for a quick coffee and the other friend would flip that either she wasn't I invited, I was up to something... Then if she went out with other friend she would be right in my face with 'i went you didnt'. Honestly I couldn't have cared less what she did. My friend can do what ever she likes and be friends with who she likes and as long as she is happy that's all I care about. I couldn't deal with it and just ended the friendship but the good friend plays piggy in the middle and has to secretly meet me so the other one doesn't flip out and has to arrange double birthdays and special occasions because the ex friend can't be in the same room as me without a melt down.

It's childish and pathetic. I've come to learn lots of adults don't seem to have got past playground behaviour and I don't have time for that - I get enough off the kids!

Im sure she goes places without you (unless that is the problem - she doesn't and is butter and lonely from lockdown). I'm far to easy going, let this one wash under the bridge maybe and see how it goes but if she keeps throwing a fit maybe have a word.

unicornpower · 25/08/2020 14:34

I'm in a group of 3 (or used to be) and there was one girl who sort of established herself as the leader and would think nothing of doing something with just one of us but heaven forbid if the other girl and i did something together! I realised just how draining it was when we became adults and slowly started distancing myself from them as every time i saw them it was like being back in the playground. The final straw was when she ruined the lead up to my wedding by being a narcissist and i haven't seen her since.

I think your friend is being really silly, it can't be one rule for one and another for her-she sounds quite immature to me. I hope it hasn't ruined friendships? I would just continue as you are and if she chooses to be daft and not come the next time you all go out then so be it. Life is too short to pander to some peoples silly demands.

Weebleonaworkout · 25/08/2020 14:42

This is hilarious! I have to deal with this shit daily in a year 6 classroom. It's bloody ridiculous. You are all obviously HER friends and are not to be independently linked without her. She must be involved in everything and consulted and included in everything. She is the glue that holds you all together (in her head).
I really couldn't be doing with it in adult friendships.
I reckon she'll join you all after about half an hour (or near to the end of a normal chat time) when you're already winding it up only to make another scene when she's only included for 5minutes.
I'm afraid I'd be telling her to shove her pathetic, needy attention seeking friendship and continue seeing the others. Life is too short to behave in such a childish manner IMHO.
Her husband sounds a right tit.

TheWayOfTheWorld · 25/08/2020 15:08

My blood pressure has gone up reading this thread. Stay strong OP, people like this woman are too often allowed to get at with such ridiculous behaviour.

Does she have any redeeming features?

BadDucks · 25/08/2020 15:20

What a silly moo. Let her carry on and I wouldn’t give any attention to her little digs or reply to her in the group text. Sadly she’ll manage to push herself out of the friendship group if she carries on like this.

Fleamaker123 · 25/08/2020 16:09

I am in a group of 6 friends, known each other many years. We went to school together.
There's me and two others who live nearer to each other so we'll meet up occasionally without the others, go out for meal etc. Nobody is offended. One day I found out the two friends had met up a couple of times without me... apparently one friend was having a marriage problem and wanted to confide in my other friend who'd been through similar. I wasn't offended in the slightest. A complete non issue. Because it wasn't about me.
OP she is being ridiculous, you're free to do what you want.

custardbear · 25/08/2020 16:27

I think you and the other 'coffee-gate' friend should have a chat about how to handle her on Sunday - perhaps just a quick 'look, just like you've jnstigated the odd trip to cinema and XYZ we just literally met for a quick coffee on the hoof - stop making such a song and dance about it, you do it, it doesn't bother anyone else, on the whole we meet as a group ' ... or such like
Good luck!
PMSL at her dickish husband 🙄

AryaStarkWolf · 25/08/2020 16:33

Well she doesn't have a leg to stand on really considering she's guilty of doing it herself

coronafiona · 25/08/2020 16:42

Why don't you just say sorry? She's obv upset and has felt left out. Yes it's childish, yes it's insecure, yes it's irritating and annoying, but just say sorry and it'll blow over which is what you want??

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 25/08/2020 16:54

I am the queen of pleasing people and I would not actually be apologising for this

IntermittentParps · 25/08/2020 16:55

Why don't you just say sorry?

Fuck no. It wouldn't 'blow over'; she'd make it into a bigger thing. I bet you any money.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/08/2020 16:59

@coronafiona

Why don't you just say sorry? She's obv upset and has felt left out. Yes it's childish, yes it's insecure, yes it's irritating and annoying, but just say sorry and it'll blow over which is what you want??
Why? That's saying that they were wrong and committing to never being "allowed" to meet any of the other group one to one anymore? And why should she be pandered to when she does the exact same thing herself? Saying sorry in this situation is very Door Matt behaviour
DragonPie · 25/08/2020 17:04

But the OP hasn’t got anything to be sorry for.

Nineteenfiddlytree · 25/08/2020 17:04

OP please don’t apologise for a quiet life, as drippyDora will take that as she was in the right and you were in the wrong...and will never let it drop! You’ve done nothing wrong. None of you in your group are joined at the hip and are free to do what you want, whether she likes it or not.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/08/2020 17:20

@Nineteenfiddlytree

OP please don’t apologise for a quiet life, as drippyDora will take that as she was in the right and you were in the wrong...and will never let it drop! You’ve done nothing wrong. None of you in your group are joined at the hip and are free to do what you want, whether she likes it or not.
Exactly, I mean I'd have some level of patience for her if she always invited everyone herself every time she arranged something, I mean I still wouldn't think she was right but I would try to understand her point of view BUT that's not the case, she's trying to tell the group that no one can meet without her but that rule doesn't apply to herself, it bonkers and self indulgent crap
TheWayOfTheWorld · 25/08/2020 17:20

@coronafiona

Why don't you just say sorry? She's obv upset and has felt left out. Yes it's childish, yes it's insecure, yes it's irritating and annoying, but just say sorry and it'll blow over which is what you want??
No, they ha e done nothing wrong. She is an eco-centric drama queen that needs to get over herself. As for her husband intervening, words fail me Hmm
TheWayOfTheWorld · 25/08/2020 17:21

*Ego-centric

Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 17:26

I think you should say something. You don't have to be horrible. She's behaving ridiculously and needs to be told. This is how ridiculous people carry on behaving like this

HelloDulling · 25/08/2020 17:42

@WhatamessIgotinto

Sorry, this is probably deathly dull to everyone now.
No. I am hugely invested, and if you don’t let us know how things play out on Sunday I will always wonder.
BuffaloMozzerella · 25/08/2020 18:08

I would give this the airtime it deserves - none. You have done well ignoring the whole thing so far and I would stick to that.

If she raises it or plays up when you all meet, then I would tell her directly that you are amazed at her behaviour (let alone her husbands!!) and that no one has done anything wrong. Don't change how you meet up with each other just to pacify her. She obviously wants to be head of the group and is stamping her feet to get you all back in line. No thanks!

LittleDoritt · 25/08/2020 18:22

God, you are a Saint. I would have bitten by now, and bitten hard.

You MUST update us on Sunday!

BlogTheBlogger · 25/08/2020 18:22

Dull? You gotta be kidding. I want to be there!! Am googling fake mustaches as we speak...

intheningnangnong · 25/08/2020 18:41

Glad I’m not alone in being rather too invested.

OP perhaps when this is over we could go for a coffee? Just us though, none of the others on this thread.