To think that's it's perfectly fine to go for a coffee with a friend without inviting others?

[WhatamessIgotinto]

There are 5 of us in a friendship group, we've all known each other over ten years and have a lot of fun together. Occasional weekends away, meals out etc. Sometimes we'll meet up for a coffee somewhere when it's all of us, sometimes a couple of us/them will meet up etc. All good as far as I'm concerned.

One of the women messaged me yesterday to ask if I fancied a coffee at a new tea room where they have a big garden, so no issue with social distancing etc. Lovely. We went - spend two hours there and had a nice chat, I haven't seen her for months because of CoVID.

I sent a message to one of the others last night and got a reply saying she's seen my car outside the place as she was passing. I said 'yes, I met ** for a catch up, it was nice in there if you fancy it some time'. Her reply was 'well I would have fancied it today but I wasn't invited'. I thought she was joking initially but no, she's sent a message on group chat saying that she doesn't think it's kind to leave other people out and can we agree that we should all at least have an invitation to such things next time. The other women are all ??? and also initially thought she was kidding, particularly as out of all of us, she is the one most likely to arrange something without the others - which is absolutely fine - no one has an issue with that. She does like to know what everyone is up to and finds it strange if people don't tag themselves in on FB etc (something I never do).

I just can't be arsed with it. We're all in our early 50s and just find this all so ridiculous. I can't be bothered with this schoolkid stuff and neither, it seems, can the others as they've all said the same thing. One has also reminded her of when she asked her and one of the others to go on holiday and that she's going away for the weekend with one of them at Christmas (also fine) and that's gone down like a lead balloon and now she's not talking to any of us. I also don't want her to feel shit because I genuinely really like her! AIBU to think that it's perfectly fine, and normal, for friends not to do every single little thing together??

It's so childish, it sound to me like she sees herself as the centre of your group and that you should all circle around her at all times and she doesn't like that there is a dynamic where she isn't at the centre.
It isn't that she feels left out, it is that she is worried that she missed something.

I actually think this is bang on the money. We've all known each other for such a long time and I wonder if we've just kind of got used to her being the 'high maintenance' friend. It's made me think about all the times that one of us has arranged something and she always seems to want to put a spanner in the works (there's always something wrong - she'll find something to complain about IYKWIM) unless it's something that she has arranged when we all have to constantly tell her how wonderful it is. I don't really want to mention this to the others or it looks like I'm shit stirring and bitching rather than resolving anything but it's making me question if I can really be bothered anymore. I feel like it's become hard work to be her friend. I know that makes me sound so horrible. 😟

Course you can. Your friend sounds a bit childish tbh.

I think you should try to sort this out before Sunday tbh. Otherwise it will fester and the meet up is likely to be uncomfortable. If this isn't just a one off moment of insanity on her side, it means that it isn't just going to go away if you ignore.

When I was much younger I had a small group of friends with one character very much like your friend. She was always trying to change arrangements for her convenience regardless of everyone else. She would often exclude me - accidentally of course - and another friend.

Eventually we arranged a night in doing an activity - a strategy board game - and she really didn't want to take part. We refused to change what we were doing so she arranged something else the same night and tried to poach my guests. Everyone turned her down. We asked again if she wanted to come join in but she rudely declined and pissed off a few more people by being nasty about our activity.

Halfway through the activity we saw her coming down the street. We were not going to stop as she'd declined her invite and we knew she would just cause problems (the strategy game we were playing was complicated to set up and we didn't want to start it again) so we all laid down on the floor and kept quiet and waited until she left.

I think she'd pushed things too far and everyone was tired of her putting herself in charge and excluding people. In the end she excluded herself and barely clung to the edges of our friendship group.

We set up a mid-week games night that we held every few weeks and she persistently tried to sabotage it by arranging alternatives. She finally set up her own games night (even though she hated playing them) but it wasn't that successful as she was too controlling over what was played and she would exclude people if she was on bad terms with them that week.

We had similar issues on coffee breaks where she purposely missed people out. The people who were missed out started going for breaks at a slightly later time then everyone else started doing the same as it was less busy and quicker to get served. She had regimented break times so she couldn't come.

I hate conflict and always end up laughing inappropriately which will probably make things ten times worse

I think laughing would be the absolutely most appropriate response here. If there is conflict it's her who has created it, not you.

Had a similar friend OP, went NC 2 years ago and never looked back.

When she was good, she was GREAT. The funniest kindest person I've ever known. But I lived walking on eggshells until the next time she was upset and this petulant, angry, needy side came out.

It's a shame but I'm so glad she's out of my life.

@MyShinyWhiteTeeth sorry but I laughed out loud at this:
so we all laid down on the floor and kept quiet and waited until she left

Absolutely the right thing to do under the circumstances but the mental picture is so funny!

Can I come for coffee on Sunday too please?

She fancies herself the sun. All must orbit around her. What absolute ridiculousness, and as for her husband getting involved - maybe your straight talking friend can volunteer to tell her on Sunday that that is just not on. It feels like it's something that really needs to be addressed.

Can I come for coffee on Sunday too please?

Of course you can’t @Aweebawbee, nobody can go unless I’M invited!

Anyone think op needs to disclose the cafe? We could fill up the place and listen in!!

When she was good, she was GREAT. The funniest kindest person I've ever known. But I lived walking on eggshells until the next time she was upset and this petulant, angry, needy side came out.

@laylalalalao I'm beginning to wonder if it's the same woman! 🤣 This is exactly what it's like! Only I don't think I really realised it til now.

And of course you're ALL invited on Sunday. You need to wear a red rose or something so I recognise any mnetters in case she rugby tackles one of us to the ground and we need help!

@Beachbodylonggone 🤣🤣

Something similar happened in a group of friends I have. We all know each other through an activity we were all part of together. It’s such a great group, we’ve been away on Holiday many times and known each other decades now. A few years ago, one of the group (yes, the “high maintenance” one) threw her toys out of the pram because someone else in the group achieved something she’d always wanted to achieve but hadn’t. She was truly awful to them and expect the rest of us to support her in chucking our friend out of the group!!! Well, unsurprisingly, that didn’t happen and like someone mentioned before, she limps on at the periphery of the group now.

I want to be one of the ⚘🕵️‍♀️, too!
With the travel bans, I'd better leave now so I can arrive by Sunday, though since I'll be coming in from California. I promise I've been social distancing, masking, etc so I won't be bringing any cooties with me...you lot have made me lol since this thread started.
Thanks, OP for the giggles....sometimes you just have to laugh at situations like this

Keep the masses happy with Sunday OP, but don’t forget our little meet up. It’ll be great. Very excluding.

@Intheningnangnong
That's very cheeky of you to continue to try and exclude the rest of us .. OP has sent ME a DM confirming all the 🕵️‍♀️🌹are of course included in your little meet-up with her so knock it off with your tomfoolery!

You've done nothing wrong and she is acting like a school girl!Leave her to it.

OMG,..who is she to tell you who and when you can meet others in the group and as for the husband, well he’s got a bloody cheek. I would really struggle not to respond to be honest but I know it’s best not to. This woman has double standards and she needs to be told by all of you that she has separate meetings/holidays so why can’t the rest of you. Obviously you don’t all pile onto her on Sunday but she needs to know you all feel the same and she is being completely unreasonable!

Actually I don't want to go to a coffee shop on Sunday. I prefer a nice little Italian I know that's near me. Much easier for me to get there so we'll meet there instead.
If anyone is not happy about that, I'll get my dh on to you as you aren't being reasonable.

I know it's petty but I would mentally prepare a list of all the times she has excluded one or more members from an arranged meet up. Then if she brings it up, remind her of these and ask her why her feelings of being left out outweigh everyone else's. (I know no one else has been bothered in the past but you don't need to tell her that).

Well as you've all been so lovely I thought I would update you on the latest in this utterly ridiculous situation.

She's not coming on Sunday. And she's dumped us all as friends. She messaged the group last night saying that she wouldn't be coming on Sunday as she doesn't feel she would be welcome. Fiesty friend said 'don't be ridiculous, it would be great for us all to get together even if it's from a distance, we've got loads to catch up on' etc etc. Moody friend replies that she can 'sense' that we don't want her there as we haven't addressed the situation from last weekend and have ignored her distress. Feisty friend says 'ah don't be daft, this has gone too far now and an issue was made over nothing'. I'm not quoting verbatim but you get the picture.

Moody friend replies with an obviously very well thought out character assassination on each of us before saying that she didn't need people in her life that don't hold her in 'high regard' and that she would not be having any further contact with any of us until we each apologise. Bearing in mind that Feisty Friend and Lovely Friend had nothing to do with the coffee 'betrayal', they have also been dumped.

So, dear reader, it literally went completely to shit from there (you can imagine). And her parting shot ... I shit you not ... is that she 'will not allow you people to dull my sparkle'.

I nearly didn't come back to this thread as I'm so embarrassed to admit that this is the outcome with a group of women our age, but you've been so nice I didn't think it was fair. I have been friends with this woman for 12 years and it seems like she's thought that I'm a twat (weak, not enough about me etc) for quite some time (possibly since when she didn't need me to pick her kids up from school every day and have them at mine every day while she worked ) And there you have it.

"dull my sparkle" is vomit-inducing. What a drama queen she is.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope the rest of you have fun on Sunday.

Oh wow. I’m sorry OP.

You aren’t a twat. Tell her to go shit her sparkle elsewhere.

I'd say fuck meeting for coffee on Sunday, you lot need to get together for a big sparkling, alcoholic drink.