Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

Why on earth are people suggesting that it's acceptable for the three females in the house to share one room while the two males get their own rooms?

For me it's because of their ages, not their sex. Also because OP's wishes need to be taken into consideration and she wants a solution that will make the living conditions more pleasant for herself.

It's also teaching that there is compromise and another way to resolve rather than I'm the parent, do what I say. In OP's circumstances they don't currently respect her enough to do that but if they see real teamwork to achieve harmony in the household, they might. She can't force them to be respectful and helpful but she can create an environment where it becomes more likely. Personally I think it's worth a shot but she should be clear that the situation will change if they don't co-operate. It's a chance for those boys to step up.

You take the new room. When you can afford it partition the other two rooms and fit them out nicely with space saving stuff from ikea. Start with the eldest and work down. Everyone has their own room and let each child pick the colour, bedding etc.

I don't see the OP addressing the suggestion of the bigger bedroom being partitioned for the boys; it's likely that could be done privately as you don't normally get two long thin bedrooms; at least one of them should be wider so you can put two doors in.

I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free

Yes, do this. Your sister's advice is not great, and your noisy boy will need to learn that he can't always have what he wants.

@PiataMaiNei

If DS1 gets the extension, whatever the conditions and alleged temporary status agreed to at the time, he's not going to move out of it.

In that case, OP would have to put in place the usual withdrawal of privileges that happens when teenagers break household rules.

Having read OP's responses I predict the outcome will be her son gets the extension.

OP could end up enabling a long term entitled brat and daughters who will grow up thinking they have to treat men as some precious, poor souls who must be adhered to.

Can't wait for the post in 10 yrs time from the woman who has got together with her PFB...

OP- you have a chance right now to influence how your sons will treat women for the future - please don't ignore the excellent advice. Being frightened of your son's reaction is not normal. Take him to his GP if he reacts badly and ask for CAHMS referral. I suspect you will find out he has the same manipuluative traits as your Ex. Nip it in the bud, now.

I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle, and while I agree the OP should be looking after herself more, I think the arrangement should be one which makes her happiest, and it sounds as though separating the boys might achieve that. I know I would prefer to give an X-box loving son his own room to get peace in the living area than to have my own bedroom and constant gaming in the living room.

It must be hell for a hardworking, quiet, possibly ASD eldest to share with a disorganised noisy brother. Letting him have the extension with a proviso that he works hard (and contributes to chores etc) may be worthwhile. Boy 2 gets the smallest bedroom, and has to keep his gaming and all his mess in there. Biggest bedroom goes to OP plus the girls, but OP also buys herself a really comfortable sofabed so she can sleep downstairs if she wants to (with all toys and her clothes stored in the bedroom).

That gives everyone more space. OP gets privacy in the evenings as all children are banned from her living space. Kids are also banished from living room when OP is working from home.

It's unconventional but might work better.

@Fairenuff

Why on earth are people suggesting that it's acceptable for the three females in the house to share one room while the two males get their own rooms?

For me it's because of their ages, not their sex. Also because OP's wishes need to be taken into consideration and she wants a solution that will make the living conditions more pleasant for herself.

It's also teaching that there is compromise and another way to resolve rather than I'm the parent, do what I say. In OP's circumstances they don't currently respect her enough to do that but if they see real teamwork to achieve harmony in the household, they might. She can't force them to be respectful and helpful but she can create an environment where it becomes more likely. Personally I think it's worth a shot but she should be clear that the situation will change if they don't co-operate. It's a chance for those boys to step up.

It's not teaching compromise at all. It's teaching them that the three people sharing are less important.

There are lots of ways to compromise with the partitioned rooms.

Giving the boys their own rooms and having their mother and two sisters sharing does not teach them compromise whatsoever.

@lyralalala

Why on earth are people suggesting that it's acceptable for the three females in the house to share one room while the two males get their own rooms?

That's simply ridiculous.

It teaches all 4 children that their mother is unimportant. It teaches the girls that they are less important and teaches the two boys that if they cause enough grief they get prime space.

The OP has expressed concern about her eldest not moving out for 10+ years and not going to uni so the solutions put in now, while he is a child, need to be long-term ones because she'll have even less control when he's 18/20/25.

Most importantly the OP needs to take control of her house because her abusive past is continuing (understandably) to cloud their lives.

This op . Take the room yourself. It’s the only sensible option

In that case, OP would have to put in place the usual withdrawal of privileges that happens when teenagers break household rules.

Nothing OP has written so far suggests there is a realistic chance of her enforcing this.

@Janejones12 If you don't feel the partitioned room will work for the boys then perhaps a sofa bed is an option. Not for you though, for your eldest.

Partition the room still so he has somewhere to keep his stuff. You have the extension - if he steps up and pitches into the house then he can have the lounge after everyone else has gone to bed since he is the earliest riser.

I would give the two options - partition the room and share it or partition the room, but sleep on a sofa bed.

@StatisticallyChallenged

OP by the sounds of it the extension is already pretty small - a single rather than a double - whilst you've suggested partitioning the boys room which suggests both bedrooms upstairs are probably bigger than the extension. In many (I'd say most tbh) houses, the parent(s) take the biggest bedroom by default. There's not even any debate - I've known plenty of kids sharing a single with bunk beds. By taking the extension rather than one of the bigger bedrooms you are already giving up more than the average parent does.

Any option which involves the boys getting two rooms is not a reasonable solution here. You are going to create a pair of spoilt monsters who will believe that women should subordinate their needs to appease the wants of men. You are considering:

1. 3 females sharing one room, while each male has a room of their own; or
2. 2 females sharing and the third sleeping on a sofa for the long term, while each male has a room of their own.

You are proposing these solutions because their behaviour is awful and you hope it will appease them. It won't. You're house won't become peaceful because they aren't sharing - they'll just develop new wants and demand even more.

You have to put your foot down here. YOU are the adult, the one earning money to put a roof over their head. You need a proper place to sleep. And whilst your current partner sounds a bit useless, you also shouldn't be committing yourself to a long term situation which would entirely prevent you from ever having a partner sleep over until the children have left home.

TAKE THE ROOM.

Very well expressed.

Please, OP - Keep your extension for yourself.

You are worth it.

(And don't share it with your boyfriend unless YOU want to.

In my house, the girls share one room and the boys share the other room. Each room has study desks and beds. I actually have the biggest room. It's my bedroom/office. The kids pretty much own the living room. But, I'm lucky in that everyone gets on fairly well and like the same things. Homework is either done together in the living room after dinner when the TV is turned off or they can study in their rooms without interruption. It is really hard being one against four, but your own space is important too, OP.

I think the work issue is separate. As you say, it's really hard now with coronavirus and the possibility that schools may close again with no notice.

YOU have the extension

Especially as you need it for WFH now, to keep the roof over your heads and pay for everyone

The three females in the house to share one room, while the two males each get their own room ?
NO

You take the room op. Absolutely and unequivocally. You deserve it.

How dare your eldest son even think it's acceptable that he, a child, gets his own room whilst his working from home single mother and 2 sisters have to share. How dare he?

It suggests to me that he is utterly self absorbed and selfish and following his useless fathers example of 'men are superior and can do what they like'.

I'm cross on your behalf. You are awesome.

Years ago I spend a summer overseas as an au pair and the family partitioned a large bedroom for their two daughters using a big wardrobe. They effectively took the back off the middle section so you could walk through, but it created a wall. Would that be a cheap option for either the girls or the boys - or both?

I don't see why the two boys should get a room each and the girls have to share, although I appreciate the age thing and I suppose if one of the boys is doing GCSEs he'll be off to uni in 3 years and a room/space will become available.

However, I think the OP should get the extension as bedroom and office, and teenage xboxing boy needs to learn some manners and play quietly.

Please don't be scared of your kids op. Tell them now YOU will make a decision as the adult. YOU make the house rules and they need to all step up.

And as a tangent, how the fuck is it not illegal to be able to not financially support your own children?

@PiataMaiNei

In that case, OP would have to put in place the usual withdrawal of privileges that happens when teenagers break household rules.

Nothing OP has written so far suggests there is a realistic chance of her enforcing this.

Ok well then I agree that OP takes the extension for herself and lives with the chaos that she is trying to get rid of.

It’s strange how little the girls come into your calculations. They seem to come behind the boys as well as you. Have you spent all your life trying to please men?

You should have the extension and you should try and draw a floor plan of upstairs because people might be able to help you come up with a better layout.

Ok well then I agree that OP takes the extension for herself and lives with the chaos that she is trying to get rid of.

She wouldn't be rid of it. She'd only be postponing the next issue for a while, and giving more power to the two boys in the meantime.

Far better to help the OP make much needed changes.

Exactly: giving in is not going to do anything to prevent chaos!

A bit left field here....

The girls have bunks in the extension, and you have a desk in there also. They sleep in there but play downstairs. You sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge (or you could have one of those triple bunks).

Hear me out...

The boys each have a decent size room upstairs.

I KNOW this sounds crazy, like you're spoiling them and I know you're the adult and breadwinner BUT unhappy and/or frustrated teenagers can have a huge negative impact on the rest of the family. Boys particularly can get loud, aggressive and really unpleasant, creating an awful atmosphere for everyone.

In exchange for being so lucky to have the private space they MUST engage with chores and help you out as much as possible.

It's for such a short time as in a few years (5 max) the boys will have moved out or be ready to. I say this as someone who was worried mine were so comfortable they'd stay forever!! Two DSs have moved out with girlfriends (one at 19, the other at 18) and one DD is at home saving to move out.

I've just asked my 14 year old daughter her opinions. She said,

The mum should get her own room.

The boys should share the bigger room because they're older.

The girls should share the smaller room because they're younger.

Anything else is favouritism and just not fair! I did mention the boys having their own room. Again she said that was favouritism and just not fair.

I said that the oldest son doesn't like it. To which my daughter replied "mum's house, mum's rules. If the sons don't like it, they can leave".

Oh, to see it through the eyes of teenagers!!