Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

I can't believe there's any doubt in your mind!!! You're the adult - you get the extension!!!

The mother should get the extension. It might help encourage the older boy to look at leaving for university as soon as he is 18. Don't want to make him too comfortable at home.

My twins (boys) shared a room by the way until 18 when they went to university (same one - Bristol but different halls and they are very different but managed to get on with each other.

Don’t let your eldest grow into the domineering role his father used to occupy.

You should get the extension as the adult. Two boys share and two girls share. If any one child got the extension there would be cries of unfair for years.

@Janejones12 - don't forget to treat yourself well too. You're very conscious of others' reactions, not so much your own feelings.

Take the extension for yourself. You are the adult, working hard and 'doing' for your whole family.

If the youngest boy uses the living room during the day, the eldest already has most of the day by himself. When you use the living room in the evening, the eldest could use your room, if you don't mind.

But, just, stick up for yourself a little more. You deserve it.

Keep the room for yourself. You need the privacy and quiet, day and night.

Your sister is crazy.

You and two girls shoved into one room so the Prince's can have their own space? No chance for you to have an intimate relationship until at least one child deigns to move out.

No.

Smallest room put the two girls, bunks if necessary
Boys in largest room with partition.
You get the extension.

The OPs sister has probably also had a number done on her boundaries as well.

Thank you for your responses.
To the comment about me not mentioning the girls much, it would be the same if they were boys. They are little, and happy how they are for now. They have lovely toys and like being near me although I appreciate that may change.
It's like on here when people talk about up to 3 kids sharing, that is fine when they are small. But as they become teenagers it becomes firstly unfair in terms of them needing privacy but also difficult because they are so different in terms of personality. If the elder two got on brilliantly, but the elder girl needed quiet, then that would be my main concern.
I am desperate to move somewhere bigger and nicer but realistically it will take 5 years. Someone said to me that by that point the house will be big enough but that may not be so-I would like them to save
for deposits and buy. The second son is already talking about having his girlfriend over when he gets his own room.
I am very aware that once they both have those rooms, I will never get them out of them until they leave home. It also sets a precedent-I identified this in my OP. I am aware how it looks and I am rubbish in terms of personal boundaries. My own father was highly violent and selfish and as children our mother guilted us into everything going wrong-money issues, his temper, being our fault. We would never moan-moaning is a tool of entitlement-but sit quietly and wait to be told. So in some ways, I like that they feel able to complain. But I definitely do not want to pander to entitlement.
Doing everything has been the only thing I know.
I am highly anxious because of how much this cost, still needing to pay for it, the need to move all the children round, leaving a recent job and starting a new one and getting them back to school. My head is spinning, and yes I am pathetic but honestly, coping with it all day in day out means the treadmill approach is all I can take.
My 'partner' has influenced a few decisions recently I have regretted. He thinks I'm a doormat which I am but I can't trust anybody to tell me-or trust anyone full stop in the world. It's so difficult.

You're not pathetic OP, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job. But honestly it's okay to put yourself first. In honesty him having his gf round in a family home isn't ideal anyway, surely now she could come for dinner or whatever if you were happy with that, but I don't think it's a positive that he's already making plans for that.

@Sarahbeans

I've just asked my 14 year old daughter her opinions. She said,

The mum should get her own room.

The boys should share the bigger room because they're older.

The girls should share the smaller room because they're younger.

Anything else is favouritism and just not fair! I did mention the boys having their own room. Again she said that was favouritism and just not fair.

I said that the oldest son doesn't like it. To which my daughter replied "mum's house, mum's rules. If the sons don't like it, they can leave".

Oh, to see it through the eyes of teenagers!!

Tell her thank you for her opinion (-:

In a house of five people, no-one can sleep in the living room, they would get no peace. So you have three rooms and five people. I detest it when parents prioritize boys over girls simply because of their sex, but if the most volatile situation is between the two boys, I'd let one of them have the extension just so there is more peace. I'd move the one who keeps you awake, provided that he will be able to use his console in the extension.

You take the extension.

My basement flooded the day we moved in... That was where my home office was going to be. So... Now my 2 youngest kids share and I have an office. Perfect for them, no... But I need dedicated space and hopefully I can get the basement redone soon.

OP,

Regarding the girls getting older and wanting their own space, you can cross that bridge when you get to it. Your world could be so different in 5-10 years.

It's enough for you to find the solution that works for YOU for the forseeable future.

@Janejones12

Thank you for your responses. To the comment about me not mentioning the girls much, it would be the same if they were boys. They are little, and happy how they are for now. They have lovely toys and like being near me although I appreciate that may change. It's like on here when people talk about up to 3 kids sharing, that is fine when they are small. But as they become teenagers it becomes firstly unfair in terms of them needing privacy but also difficult because they are so different in terms of personality. If the elder two got on brilliantly, but the elder girl needed quiet, then that would be my main concern. I am desperate to move somewhere bigger and nicer but realistically it will take 5 years. Someone said to me that by that point the house will be big enough but that may not be so-I would like them to save for deposits and buy. The second son is already talking about having his girlfriend over when he gets his own room. I am very aware that once they both have those rooms, I will never get them out of them until they leave home. It also sets a precedent-I identified this in my OP. I am aware how it looks and I am rubbish in terms of personal boundaries. My own father was highly violent and selfish and as children our mother guilted us into everything going wrong-money issues, his temper, being our fault. We would never moan-moaning is a tool of entitlement-but sit quietly and wait to be told. So in some ways, I like that they feel able to complain. But I definitely do not want to pander to entitlement. Doing everything has been the only thing I know. I am highly anxious because of how much this cost, still needing to pay for it, the need to move all the children round, leaving a recent job and starting a new one and getting them back to school. My head is spinning, and yes I am pathetic but honestly, coping with it all day in day out means the treadmill approach is all I can take. My 'partner' has influenced a few decisions recently I have regretted. He thinks I'm a doormat which I am but I can't trust anybody to tell me-or trust anyone full stop in the world. It's so difficult.

Can I suggest, as someone who had a violent childhood as well, that you get some counselling to help you go through the issues from your childhood and your abusive relationship?

It made a massive difference to my confidence, self-esteem and parenting.

You are not pathetic. You are treading water when the current is trying to pull you under.

You know you will not get them out of the rooms once they are in them. So give them the choice of how the two bedrooms should be partitioned. It draws a line, but gives ownership.

You need to pull them into line before the girls do suffer. In 5/6 years time you'll have less control, as you've said, but you'll have a teenage girl to add into the mix.

Please seriously get rid of the partner. He's not helping you, and if the boys are seeing him push you into decisions you don't really want to make they will feel empowered to do the same.

If the girls are happy with you, and you're fairly comfortable with that, I'd keep that as is. The boys are stressed so split them up, and it should create a more peaceful environment.

And actually the elder daughter has been equally demanding over lockdown. I ended up buying her lots of extra stuff to the others. I feel there is only my youngest girl who isn't on at me for stuff all the time
I give them all spending money every month on payday and they do nothing for it-50 per month for both boys and 20 for the 7 year old. They get extra for babysitting or helping.
I have previously tried sleeping in the living room but it was awful and I had no space for anything-plus the eldest barged in when he was up and expected me to get up. Even now I'm woken by the younger girls. There is no space or time for me at all. I also regret giving notice for my previous role. It's a mess really.

Have you thought of getting some help with your boundaries OP, some counselling perhaps? Would it be doable?

You can’t sleep in the sitting room !
You are the head of this house, and responsible for four other lives. If you get ill, or can’t work, then it all goes wrong, you need to do the equivalent of giving yourself the oxygen first so that you can then put it on your children.
Looking after yourself isn’t just for you, it is also for them, you need to tell them this.
I agree with the majority, you get the extension, boys get whichever room can be split most easily. My Dh and his sister had childhood bedrooms where one was only accessible from the other and it was fine.

Also OP- look at the Freedom Programme, I think doing this would help you immensely.

The path that you perceive to be the one of least resistance is not the right path, OP.

You are storing up much bigger issues and not addressing the problems you have with your inability to assert authority. I was shocked your DS is already talking about his girlfriend staying over and you don't appear to be batting an eyelid to your eldest taking over the home and big decisions. If you know this is all wrong, what are you doing to get help? Speak to school nurse if you are concerned about son'd manipulative tendancies. Speak to school pastoral care to get support in delivering your decision. There is help. There are online courses on assertiveness.

Your 14 year old is talking about having his girlfriend stay over when he has his own room Bloody hell OP you're treating the boys as fully fledged adults. They're children. YOU ARE the adult.

You really need to sort your boundaries out urgently before it's too late. That has to be your priority, not building an extension.

That is a lot of pocket money OP.
Brother and I had to do cleaning every Saturday morning, clean one room properly, and then we were given pocket money. One of us would do the kitchen, the other a sitting room, and then we would swap the following week. Had to wash the floor or hoover, dust, clean etc. Took about two hours.

I absolutely understand this is very difficult for you and I understand why it is difficult too!

BUT...

You must not give in to the demands of your sons. You love them very much, that is clear! Not giving them exactly what they want doesn’t mean you don’t love them or indeed wants what is best for them. Giving up the extension to them or one of them as I said in my earlier post is NOT what’s best for them, your or anybody. Giving up the space that you are working so hard to pay for will do little to resolve the issues you say the current living set up is causing. In fact you are will achieve is a slight delay to the unhappiness and that unhappiness will soon extend to the other children too, and it will do this because at the very heart of it, giving the extension to one of your children and NOT to yourself in grossly unfair and it won’t take long for the younger ones to work that out! Before long you’ll be kicking yourself when the younger ones are using this unfairness as a stick to beat/guilt trip you with.

I do not mean to be harsh in any way here OP but the fact is, is that you need to get tough with your kids. What has started now with the older two will soon spill over onto the younger two. Before you know it, it will be 4 against 1 and so so much harder in the future than it is right now!! Your setting it up that way, I know you don’t mean to, I know you only want what’s best for everybody BUT what is best for everybody is that you start getting tough and putting up some very firm boundaries. You do not let the kids run roughshod all over your life, it’s no good for them or you!!

When my mum left my dad we had to live in a hostel for almost a year. It was one room shared between my mum and my sister. It was sad and awful, especially having gone from living in a nice house with each our own rooms and space to sharing. Do you know what though, as a kid I was damp grateful to just have a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in! My mum made sure that we knew that we were still lucky to have those things and that life could be so much worse and taught us to be grateful for what we had, not matter how little or less than ideal it was. With respect your children need to learn the same. Oh and when we finally did get a house, guess who got the master bedroom, my mother!! She bloody well deserved it, AS DO YOU!!!!

@Janejones12 We keep asking about whether you could partition the larger bedroom and swap the boys and girls over. You’ve not answered this. Why not? Is this a possibility?

So your teenage son, who contributes nothing to the household either through money, physical help or emotional support, is going to be able to have a partner sleep but you aren't?? No chance

That said, your boyfriend sounds like a lot of extra hard work that you really don't need at the moment