Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

FFS. You are the adult, the breadwinner, the parent. You get your own room. Or you can carry on being a doormat for the rest of your life. Just know that you will be raising 2 doormat daughters and two entitled sons. If you are happy with that carry on.

Solution-put the ex box in the bin. Better still, never buy the bloody things in the first place.

You get the extension, that's your space for everything. The kids then have bedrooms and living room as their space. Plus they'll be back to school soon, even if it is part time for a while, it's still not 24/7 at home.

Your sons are old enough to be helping round the home and they need to be doing this.

I would not allow the x box downstairs at all.

Torn on this one, I can see your need for space, but likewise I can see that if the boys no longer shared you would gain some peace in your home.
You are being both parents to your children and I know from experience it is hard and we sometimes over compensate. Your ex swanned off to lead the life of a single man whilst you are stuck with all the responsibilities. However you have done so well for everyone.
Once they are back in school in a couple of weeks I imagine working at the kitchen table will be workable.
Sharing with your daughters is far from ideal, although in a few years possibly the boys will have left home.
You have sacrificied a lot, do your older children understand as I know teenagers can take things for granted, dependable, resourceful mum.
To be honest I think only you can make the decision.

You get the extension

You've worked for the money, you've bought it, you've paid for it.

You get your own room.

Everybody else can get to fuck. If they aren't the ones paying for it, tough fucking shit.

Bollocks to letting a child take ownership of you, the house and everything in it.

Mind you, I'd also get rid of the boyfriend, as although he's right about you having your own room, he does sound like a dead weight around your neck.

Sounds like it would be a plan to make sure there are locks installed on the extension, though - just to make sure that an over entitled adolescent penis owner doesn't express his displeasure at you not rewarding his bullying and manipulation.

I'm going to point out as well op: how hard have you worked to manage to not only bring up 4 kids by yourself, but also have a job and manage to save money to build an extension onto your house? Without financial help from your ex because he's a dick?

How many people have done that? And you want to give all of that hard work to your frankly ungrateful son? Hell no!

Definitely have the space for yourself, you need it. I was a single parent to teenagers after my husband died and you do need to prioritise yourself. The saying that you can’t pour from an empty pot is so true, you need to make sure that your needs are met before you can meet their needs. I feel for you, teens are incredibly selfish and will always try and take the best for themselves, I used to have to hide any treat food so I got a share.

Don't pander to the oldest child just because of the ASD.

The girls should share, the boys should share (or share a partitioned room) and you have the extension. The oldest could always use your room with his laptop.

Or girls share smallest room upstairs, you sleep in the partition with the eldest (have a desk in there for both of you to use) and youngest boy in the extention.

I have a DC with additional needs, I know how hard it is but if you give in now then then they'll just want more and more.

The extension is yours. You need the space for yourself.

If your oldest doesn't like, tell him tough. Tell him to go live with his father or your interfering cow of a sister.

Seriously. You have FOUR children and yourself to look after. And if you don't look after yourself, they have no one.

The room is yours. Stop being bullied by the males in your life. Tell them their behaviour and demands aren't reasonable or acceptable and will not be tolerated. Tell them their room will be partitioned only if they behave decently to you.

Op you've clearly had a rough life, no bedroom door as a teenager because it was burst.

Who the f. did that to you?

You'd no privacy as a teenager, been in an abusive relationship, you've no privacy now sharing with girls, and about to put yourself in a living room with no privacy either.

Op you need to put yourself first.
You nobody else deserves to have a room to yourself.

You have that room. A wee bit of space and privacy for yourself. Not somewhere for anybody else.

Hey OP, I can see that your torn over the kids, and I can see from what you have mentioned about your ex that you just so very used to putting yourself last in every single scenario. I think you have a very real fear and guilt of putting yourself first, even when that’s what’s best and it’s what you should do. I also think while you know leaving your ex was definitely the right thing to do, you carry a lot of guilt because of how it’s impacted on the children and in turn I think this only makes you pander to them even more. If it’s any consolation the children won’t make the direct connection between you trying to compensate for the guilt you feel and the change they’ve had, they will just see that they can continually push you until the can get what they want/their own way. This is not good for them or you! Also your hoping that by giving them what they want that they will be happy, and grateful. They may indeed be happy and grateful at the time, but as things are with kids, especially teens, this won’t last long at all! Soon there will be other complaints about other things, they will push for more (because that’s the nature of kids) and you’ll give in, and you’ll give in purely because they keep pushing because they’ve learned that if they push enough eventually they will get what they want.

It is ok to put yourself first, in fact it’s important that you, and here is why:

You as a working adult, the only adult NEED your own space. You need quiet and calm and rest in order to be able to look after your own mental health. This is to the benefit of the entire family who are ALL reliant on YOU to be well enough to continue working and bringing home a wage so that you can take care of and provide for everybody. They need this as much as you need this!!

On top of providing a nice warm home, food and everything else you also realised that they boys need a bit more privacy. Your not telling them it’s tough and that they have to just put up with it. You are offering them a solution by partitioning their room so they can have some extra privacy. Is it perfect, no BUT it is a lot better than the current set up, and they should be happy for any improvement and extra privacy that they get, you are the one paying for it and providing it after all. This what you can reasonably do and afford to do and they should learn to appreciate that. We can all go through life wanting or dreaming of a better house/car/holidays or whatever else but at the end of the day someone has got to work to pay for it!!! When they work themselves and are old enough to contribute to the household, that’s when they can have a proper say in things.

Children have to learn to respect the value of things and the work it takes to provide it. If they continually get everything they want, with no real effort or work to attain it, they will never respect or appreciate the things they are afforded by your hard work and dedication as a mother!! If they don’t learn this soon, life as adults is going to be very hard for them indeed!! So you see, doing what’s best for you (and you very much deserve that extension room btw) is also doing what is best for your lovely children too.

Explain you work hard and the extension is yours. However, if they really want their own space, you would be willing to consider this if they ‘work hard’ for it? Doing chores etc?

Please don't do this. They should be helping out without anything like that level of incentive, because that's what you do when you're a member of a family.

OP, do you find it hard to say no to the children? Especially given you must be feeling shattered and at the end of your tether?

The extension is YOURS.

You have worked for it; you have paid for it; you deserve it.

If it is yours you can have space for yourself when you want, or you can LEND it to your older boy if he needs study space - and then reclaim it for yourself.

If you give it to him, even after he leaves fr university, it will be HIS room and getting him out will cause ructions.

Just split the boys' bedroom. they'll have to lump it.

And everything everyone has said about putting yourself first is EXCELLENT advice.

OP by the sounds of it the extension is already pretty small - a single rather than a double - whilst you've suggested partitioning the boys room which suggests both bedrooms upstairs are probably bigger than the extension. In many (I'd say most tbh) houses, the parent(s) take the biggest bedroom by default. There's not even any debate - I've known plenty of kids sharing a single with bunk beds. By taking the extension rather than one of the bigger bedrooms you are already giving up more than the average parent does.

Any option which involves the boys getting two rooms is not a reasonable solution here. You are going to create a pair of spoilt monsters who will believe that women should subordinate their needs to appease the wants of men. You are considering:

1. 3 females sharing one room, while each male has a room of their own; or
2. 2 females sharing and the third sleeping on a sofa for the long term, while each male has a room of their own.

You are proposing these solutions because their behaviour is awful and you hope it will appease them. It won't. You're house won't become peaceful because they aren't sharing - they'll just develop new wants and demand even more.

You have to put your foot down here. YOU are the adult, the one earning money to put a roof over their head. You need a proper place to sleep. And whilst your current partner sounds a bit useless, you also shouldn't be committing yourself to a long term situation which would entirely prevent you from ever having a partner sleep over until the children have left home.

TAKE THE ROOM.

I would consider letting the eldest have the extension but only on a trial basis and with the following conditions:

1. He has allocated household jobs which he does without being prompted, i.e. every day he washes dishes, does laundry as needed, wipes down kitchen surfaces and cleans up after himself. These are very basic jobs which he should be doing anyway at his age. I would also suggest he learns to make one or two meals and cooks for the family once a week.

2. Second eldest has own room (you could still partition but use one room for your office) and also has allocation of jobs such as hoovering, taking out rubbish/recyling and cleaning up after himself. Again, he should be doing this anyway.

3. Two youngest have star charts and also help by packing away their own toys, sorting laundry (ie pairing socks, folding - it won't be perfect but they will have fun learning) and wiping down surfaces with a cloth for example. They get stickers for completing tasks and small treat when chart is full.

4. All members of household must be respectful of each other.

All of this will help you with the running of the house and give them a much needed sense of responsibility. It's really good for their self-esteem too as they feel capable and valued. Also it's good preparation for life.

If eldest does not agree or defaults on the agreement, he loses the privilege of the extension and you swap back.

Do you still have the floorplan from the schedule when you bought the house? I'm sure there are a lot of creative people on here who can think outside the box! ( not that I'm suggesting you can't, but you are in the middle of it).

I am gobsmacked that there is a minority of people thinking that your eldest - who has learned the art of manipulation well from his father - should get the extension.

OP, another idea which I don’t see discussed already, I think...

What is the downstairs floor plan like?

If your lounge is the biggest room, as is sometimes the case, can you partition that more easily? Especially if you can eat in the kitchen.

So either the lounge becomes two bedrooms, and one room upstairs becomes a family room, or the lounge becomes one bedroom and a lounge.

Why on earth are people suggesting that it's acceptable for the three females in the house to share one room while the two males get their own rooms?

That's simply ridiculous.

It teaches all 4 children that their mother is unimportant. It teaches the girls that they are less important and teaches the two boys that if they cause enough grief they get prime space.

The OP has expressed concern about her eldest not moving out for 10+ years and not going to uni so the solutions put in now, while he is a child, need to be long-term ones because she'll have even less control when he's 18/20/25.

Most importantly the OP needs to take control of her house because her abusive past is continuing (understandably) to cloud their lives.

@Janejones12

How about if I give the two girls a partitioned room each, eldest the extension, second eldest where he is I could get a sofabed and sleep in the lounge which would then have no toys in it. Only thing is I will not have any room for stuff. But they will all have their own space so it's fair for each of them. I could find a day job. I feel I am working to keep them forever. I can't see ever being free to be honest. And they don't even go back to school properly but it's silly half days here and mornings there until at least the beginning of October. That's another 6 weeks

You have got to stop martyring yourself. It’s going to go on forever unless you do something to change the dynamic.

What are you going to do when the other children decide they don’t like their bedroom situation, if you pander to your son’s demands? Let one of them have the sitting room, while your sister tells you that if you were a loving mother you’d sleep and work in the garden?

Yes absolutely you should have the extension. Don't let your teenage sons become carbon copies of the arsehole ex. Tell them very firmly that it has been done to create a work space for you as you have a new job that involves working from home more. (Why haven't you told them this already?)

You are the adult and the breadwinner and you make the decisions not them. Keep saying it. Don't let your daughters see their mum being pushed around by entitled men.

You should also be giving all the kids jobs to do round the house.

And they don't even go back to school properly but it's silly half days here and mornings there until at least the beginning of October. That's another 6 weeks

I don't understand this. Apparently the instruction from the director of education to all schools at the end of July was that induction / staggered intake / settling in should take no more than 2 weeks, so all children should be back to school full time in the second week in September. I would be querying this with your children's schools and if you get no joy, contact the LA. The kids have been out of school long enough.

Oh and I would dump the boyfriend too.

@Fairenuff

I would consider letting the eldest have the extension but only on a trial basis and with the following conditions:

1. He has allocated household jobs which he does without being prompted, i.e. every day he washes dishes, does laundry as needed, wipes down kitchen surfaces and cleans up after himself. These are very basic jobs which he should be doing anyway at his age. I would also suggest he learns to make one or two meals and cooks for the family once a week.

2. Second eldest has own room (you could still partition but use one room for your office) and also has allocation of jobs such as hoovering, taking out rubbish/recyling and cleaning up after himself. Again, he should be doing this anyway.

3. Two youngest have star charts and also help by packing away their own toys, sorting laundry (ie pairing socks, folding - it won't be perfect but they will have fun learning) and wiping down surfaces with a cloth for example. They get stickers for completing tasks and small treat when chart is full.

4. All members of household must be respectful of each other.

All of this will help you with the running of the house and give them a much needed sense of responsibility. It's really good for their self-esteem too as they feel capable and valued. Also it's good preparation for life.

If eldest does not agree or defaults on the agreement, he loses the privilege of the extension and you swap back.

OP will never be able to get him out of the extension once he’s in it.

If DS1 gets the extension, whatever the conditions and alleged temporary status agreed to at the time, he's not going to move out of it.