Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

How about if I give the two girls a partitioned room each, eldest the extension, second eldest where he is I could get a sofabed and sleep in the lounge which would then have no toys in it. Only thing is I will not have any room for stuff. But they will all have their own space so it's fair for each of them. I could find a day job. I feel I am working to keep them forever. I can't see ever being free to be honest. And they don't even go back to school properly but it's silly half days here and mornings there until at least the beginning of October. That's another 6 weeks

OP there is no good reason to give it to either of the boys. You feel like you are constantly put last because you are - but at this point you are bringing it on yourself and seeking it out. You should not be in the living room with no storage space, to give a boy who already has a perfectly adequate bedroom one of his own. You are sending him and all the other children an absolutely appalling message that they will take into adulthood. The boys (especially the eldest) will grow up to treat women/others like your ex treated you, and your daughters will grow up to be treated that way, because that is the behaviour and response they have all seen modelled.

It's a dreadful, unnecessary idea. You absolutely should have that room yourself.

Do this and you abandon your eldest to a lifetime of entitled bullying manipulative unhappiness. He needs boundaries, not rewards. He needs to be parented, not stored in another room until he’s ready to leave.

You deserve the new room. You you you.

Think of what is suggested - a hard working DM sacrifices her own room for a gaming CHILD....
Bonkers op I tell you.
Ask your dsis to buu the shed if she is thinking he is so hard done to..

@ImaginaryCat

Are the boys likely to go to university? If so, id tell the oldest he gets the extension on the condition it's for 3 yrs. At that time you're having the extension and the brothers will share during holidays. If he decides not to go to uni, then he still moves back in with his brother. Bh that time the 10yr old girl should not be sharing with her mother.

A 3 yr fixed term arrangement I could cope with. The potential for the boys to get comfy and never leave would worry me.

I’m sorry, but I don’t believe for one minute that the OP will order her son out of the room, if he reneges on the deal. How is she going to remove a 18 year old man, if she can’t stand up to a 15yr old boy?

@Janejones12

How about if I give the two girls a partitioned room each, eldest the extension, second eldest where he is I could get a sofabed and sleep in the lounge which would then have no toys in it. Only thing is I will not have any room for stuff. But they will all have their own space so it's fair for each of them. I could find a day job. I feel I am working to keep them forever. I can't see ever being free to be honest. And they don't even go back to school properly but it's silly half days here and mornings there until at least the beginning of October. That's another 6 weeks

No. It's not fair on you. You cannot get a new job based around your children's bedrooms.

You have the extension. Get the boys to work out how to split the rooms best for all four of them.

You must show your children how to parent. It's time to stand up for yourself.

Is there space in the loft to create a gaming room/hole/escape room for the XBox-er to make the noise? or can you pop a cheap 6 x8 shed up in your yard (insulate, & with a heater for winter) to run his xbox?

Then eldest could be allowed weekend work/study time in your 'office' for his exams. Set hours when you're not using it. But otherwise it's yours and they still share the partitioned room to sleep.

Either way I'd be instilling in all the kids that they need to step up and do some chores to earn the right to use the extra spaces.

Can any of the three bedrooms be partitioned with easy private access/adding a second door?
If so I’d rearrange your layout a bit, stick the boys in the partitioned space, girls still sharing, but you MUST have your own space- as a single Mum it is simply essential.
Your eldest son will probably be the first to leave home - don’t make things too comfy or he’ll never leave!

One thing I’d like to add- you need to look carefully at the control issues going on in your home. It concerns me that you are scared of telling your son the decision about the extension.

How big is the biggest room op? Could you partition it but do it in a way the rooms have their own doors? Can we see a rough floor plan/pics?
The extension should be yours. 100%

You should take the extension and partition the boys room. The loud one needs to learn to think of others and be less loud and maybe there’s ways to make things easier for him to cope with noise in what is probably a loud household at times.

You need to grow a pair OP, no offence
Your DC are manipulating you, you are the adult and you deserve to have your own space.
You should not be thinking about sleeping on a sofa bed or continuing to share a room with your DD's.
Split the boys room, the DD continue to share and you have the extension.
If you DS doesn't like it, tough, hes a child and you're the adult working and supporting your family and you deserve a room.
Iv read all your posts on this thread and seriously you are heading for trouble unless you start getting tough, your DS isvgoing to continue to manipulate you, thinking if he makes enough fuss he can get what he wants, that doesn't bode well for his future relationships.
Sit the kids down, have a conversation about respect for each other and personal space and explain that you are having the extension and why.
A few home truths and a bit of disappointment is not going to kill them, your DC will get over it.
I know we as parents dont like to disappointed our children but this is another level, you pay the Bill's, put a roof over everyone's head, feed and clothe them but are not entitled to a room in your own home, seriously?

Are the bedroom walls structural? If not could you rejig the upstairs to allow for 3 clear bedrooms and then you have the downstairs room? You really need somewhere of your own.

Jane, but in this proposal you still don't have a room for you. Why don't you think you deserve a room? You pay the bills, sometimes life doesn't pan out ideally, and your children need to learn this. I would think about partitioning the room, and getting sound proofing in the partitoning wall. This is still better than they have now, and I am sorry that you are frightened of your son's reaction. It shouldn't be that way.

no room in garden for shed - OK - what about the attic?

@Janejones12 Did you have the chance to do the Freedom Programme when you left your husband?

It might be worth doing now if you haven't. I really think you need some help to stand up for yourself. It makes a huge difference (I had to learn how to do it)

Madness op.

To be frank, you’re going to have two entitled arsehole men on your hands if you keep pandering to them in this way.

You’re the adult. You’re a person. You’re the bill payer and parent and you deserve a bloody room!

You have two bedrooms and the extension. Give the boys the biggest space and partition it. Give the girls the next biggest to share. Take the third for yourself. And feel zero guilt!

I would have laughed at your sister. Why do the boys seem to deserve preferential treatment over you who has paid for the extension, and your two daughters?

No. You paid for it. You use it. If your son wants it, ask him to hand over the money for it. He can sell his xbox to help with that, and any other stuff he has, get a job etc.

Funnily enough I think he'll prefer to stay in his room. Give your kids a kick up the ass too, they should be helping clean up.

I’m going against the grain here, but I’m not as critical as most other people about OP giving the kids the better living situation. I don’t think you’re necessarily setting your sons up for a life of entitlement - what you’re doing is acknowledging that living together in a small space is difficult for everyone and you’re trying your best to ease things.

You sound incredibly resourceful OP, and I’m impressed. I think intuitively you know what’s best for your family right now (including your own needs), so I’d go with that. Perhaps worth setting a time limit eg we move rooms every 9mths or something?

Oh my goodness you should get it!!!!!!!!! That's the fairest option for the kids too!!!!! It wouldn't be fair on the girls if their brothers had their own rooms but they were sharing with mum! B&Q sell room dividers for £80 I think which would help the boys feel they have some privacy x

You should have the extension and partition the boys room

Absolutely this. You need your own space, and you deserve it, too.

@Janejones12

How about if I give the two girls a partitioned room each, eldest the extension, second eldest where he is I could get a sofabed and sleep in the lounge which would then have no toys in it. Only thing is I will not have any room for stuff. But they will all have their own space so it's fair for each of them. I could find a day job. I feel I am working to keep them forever. I can't see ever being free to be honest. And they don't even go back to school properly but it's silly half days here and mornings there until at least the beginning of October. That's another 6 weeks

Dear lord woman NOOO😂

I’m going against the grain here, but I’m not as critical as most other people about OP giving the kids the better living situation. I don’t think you’re necessarily setting your sons up for a life of entitlement - what you’re doing is acknowledging that living together in a small space is difficult for everyone and you’re trying your best to ease things.

What about the girls? There's "better living situation" and then there's two girls having no proper bedroom - as they are just bunking in with their mum, or a mother having no bedroom at all as she's on the sofa, so that two boys (the only two people in the house who already have a standard, traditional bedroom situation) can go yet another step above the three females and have a room each.

You spent your marriage trying to appease your ex. You're now trying to appease your eldest.

Think about that. Think about the message that sends to your other dcs. You're the adult here. You get to make the decisions. Don't be manipulated by another male.

@aSofaNearYou

How about if I give the two girls a partitioned room each, eldest the extension, second eldest where he is I could get a sofabed and sleep in the lounge which would then have no toys in it. Only thing is I will not have any room for stuff. But they will all have their own space so it's fair for each of them. I could find a day job. I feel I am working to keep them forever. I can't see ever being free to be honest. And they don't even go back to school properly but it's silly half days here and mornings there until at least the beginning of October. That's another 6 weeks

OP there is no good reason to give it to either of the boys. You feel like you are constantly put last because you are - but at this point you are bringing it on yourself and seeking it out. You should not be in the living room with no storage space, to give a boy who already has a perfectly adequate bedroom one of his own. You are sending him and all the other children an absolutely appalling message that they will take into adulthood. The boys (especially the eldest) will grow up to treat women/others like your ex treated you, and your daughters will grow up to be treated that way, because that is the behaviour and response they have all seen modelled.

It's a dreadful, unnecessary idea. You absolutely should have that room yourself.

This!!!!

@Janejones12

How about if I give the two girls a partitioned room each, eldest the extension, second eldest where he is I could get a sofabed and sleep in the lounge which would then have no toys in it. Only thing is I will not have any room for stuff. But they will all have their own space so it's fair for each of them. I could find a day job. I feel I am working to keep them forever. I can't see ever being free to be honest. And they don't even go back to school properly but it's silly half days here and mornings there until at least the beginning of October. That's another 6 weeks

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Why are you twisting yourself in knots to accommodate everyone else?

If you do that, it will be forever. You will have made a very comfortable nest and they will never leave.

Lots of kids share rooms. most hate it. It encourages you to make something of yourself and move out and grow into a responsible adult.

You are doing your boys no favours by doing everything for them. Give them all jobs and have a bit of a rest. Get them to cook (and wash up) at least once a week. What life skills are you teaching them by doing everything?

STOP MARTYRING YOURSELF.

I think you need to think long term with this. And you should have the extension.

Your eldest is 15, even if he goes to uni, he'll be back in the holidays etc until he finishes, that's 21 so another 6 years, 7 for your youngest. If they don't go to uni, how likely are they to be able to afford their own place at 18 or 19?

If you let your sons have their own rooms now, even if they promise it's short term, you'll have Merry hell trying to get them to share again at a later point in time.

Your seven year old won't stay seven forever. Around 10-12 she'll start puberty, getting periods and will start wanting her own space. There's no way she'll be wanting to share a room with her mum in three or four year's time.

So considering all the needs of your children, I'd look at you getting the extension, your older boys getting the larger room partitioned off and your girls sharing with bunk beds. If your boys go to uni, you can look at moving around rooms. Or perhaps in a few years you could afford to convert an attic or garage?