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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

358 replies

untiednations · 22/08/2020 20:23

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsSpookyM · 23/08/2020 16:29

Well, of course he thinks it's a great idea because HE wouldn't be the one doing it. It would be you doing it.

justilou1 · 23/08/2020 16:33

Wow! Men are so fucking selfish with their wive’s time and things.... it simply doesn’t occur to them that women have thoughts and feelings and desires of their own! (My own marriage almost ended due to my own DH’s refusal to wrap our reality around his expectations and wonder why I was in an impossible position and very unhappy about it.)

PermaStress · 23/08/2020 16:34

Wow! Shock that was worse than I thought it was going to be.

@EmbarrassingAdmissions has it spot on.

DH'smore work for everyone but no more for me, nothing for me except warm feelings and kudosplan would co-simultaneously wreck your family life,yourpersonal finances andyourcareer.

I think (hope) something has shifted. Now DH needs to prove his worth in this family unit. You do 5 days solo, you could easily do 7, and if he were to have the children part of the week in the event of a separation then you'd be better off energy- and time-wise. Certainly you wouldn't have any pressure to look after his dad any more. Now you may totally not want to separate and that's totally fine but what I'm trying to say is the dynamic is different. He needs to prove his worth as a part of your family unit now.

AskingforaBaskin · 23/08/2020 16:36

I would serialist look him in the eye and ask
'Why the fuck do I keep you around?'

And actually expect him to answer.

piscean10 · 23/08/2020 16:39

I hope you LTB. Such a disrespectful twat. He really doesnt see you as a person but an object he gets to control.
What really does he bring to the table. He is barely there anyway while you are bringing up three small kids!

NeedToKnow101 · 23/08/2020 16:41

Stand your ground OP. As everyone else said, your time is not his to give away. Being a carer even for much-loved own elderly parents is difficult enough, as can destroy relationships and physical and mental health. Completely fucking unreasonable of him to even suggest it.

Also, what @jacks11 (?) said is completely correct. Moving an elderly person away from their familiar home and life can rapidly increase mental and physical decline.

NeedToKnow101 · 23/08/2020 16:42

@piscean10

I hope you LTB. Such a disrespectful twat. He really doesnt see you as a person but an object he gets to control. What really does he bring to the table. He is barely there anyway while you are bringing up three small kids!
I agree.
Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/08/2020 16:46

DH’s unwavering belief is that my time is his to volunteer. What a total twat

I couldn't have put it better myself, and also agree with PPs that he's probably keeping an eye on his inheritance

Now that there's no room for doubt about how he sees your role, your FT job is more important than ever ... there may come a day when you'll be glad you hung onto that Sad

SuitedandBooted · 23/08/2020 16:57

Well, well, - he really is quite something. You should give up your lunch times (to save money), and also be paid by FIL (thus keeping the money in the family)

And FIL has 2(?) houses and a good pension?

Your husband wants to keep his inheritance intact. With the added bonus of being the loving son that can show off to the wider family.

ConiferGate · 23/08/2020 17:02

What an absolute knob.

At least you know where things stand though OP.

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2020 17:26

@untiednations
So what was your response?

PermaStress · 23/08/2020 17:31

I can just see the objections coming in thick and fast.

"But I thought we were a team/equal"

I already do the majority of the work of running a household and looking after three children. Actions speak louder than words and you have already shown me that you value my time more as unpaid childcare than anything else. The fact that you're willing to abuse my time even further while literally nothing changes for you shows me very clearly that you do not think of us as equal team mates.

"How would you feel if it was the other way around?"

well if we went with your plan I'd be caring for three children and two elderly fathers. So I'd feel even more pissed off tbh

"If the role was reverse I'd do it for your dad"

You won't even do it for your own dad!

Topseyt · 23/08/2020 17:50

Your DH is being so unreasonable here that it is hard to know where to begin.

I've just spent two weeks away helping to care for my vulnerable, frail and elderly parents as a health crisis had put my Dad in hospital. It was very, very full on, and I don't doubt that I will be back there before too long even though they are having carers three times a day and my sister calling in occasionally (neither of us lives close to them).

I've only been able to do that because a) I've just been made redundant from work and b) my children are all grown up now and can take care of themselves. When they were preschoolers and/or I was also working it definitely wouldn't have been remotely possible.

Your DH has a bloody nerve volunteering your time for this. You don't have the time anyway. Stick to your guns here. If DH wants to take care of his Dad without carers then HE will have to take it on. Perhaps then he will realise just what it is he is asking of you, and that there are not 48 hours in a day - well, you can dream, as he sounds like the sort who takes none of that sort of thing in, expecting you to do the donkey work. Don't.

I'd also be wary of moving FIL so far away from his familiar surroundings and his friends as others have also cautioned. It could really knock him for six. Has DH even made 100% certain that FIL actually wants to move anyway? Or is he bullying his Dad there too?

The only thing that is for sure is that DH has thought none of this through at all. He is probably also expecting you to do that. Again, DON'T.

Your DH is being an arse.

Beachbodylonggone · 23/08/2020 17:53

Unbelievable isn't he op?

Sexnotgender · 23/08/2020 17:56

Holy shit, what an absolute knob.

Absolutely do not pick up an iota of care for your FIL. You do more than enough already. How dare your ‘D’H try and place extra demands on your time.

Kisskiss · 23/08/2020 18:34

I just read your latest update. HE IS SO UNREASONABLE!!! He’s taking for granted that you do all the grunt work... if he wants to cancel the lunchtime care visits then he’s just going to figure out how he can nip back every lunchtime himself ..
volunteering you to be the new supplemental carer, is not on

mbosnz · 23/08/2020 18:36

It took me thirty years to train my mother out of volunteering my services and time. I hope you can school your husband out of doing the same thing in a much shorter space of time. . .

Notthetoothfairy · 23/08/2020 18:51

“Then DH thought that it would be good if I reduced my hours at work and FIL would pay me a top up wage for any caring I did.”

Sounds like a good suggestion, but changed to DH reducing his hours at work and FIL paying him a top up wage.

Phineyj · 23/08/2020 18:52

Moving my grandmother from her familiar home, neighbours and routines did hasten her end (even though the care home my parents moved her into was excellent). They had previously been paying £30k for full time live in care which was not sustainable. But if your FIL owns two properties he could sell one and fund live in care for quite a while. He's in a good position.

Knotaknitter · 23/08/2020 19:26

That's cleared that up then - I think we're all now on the same page about who was unreasonable and it wasn't you. It's a straight up penny pinching exercise and not to be touched with a barge pole.

iMatter · 23/08/2020 19:35

“Then DH thought that it would be good if HE reduced HIS hours at work and FIL would pay HIM a top up wage for any caring HE did.”

There you go. Fixed it for him.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 23/08/2020 20:01

I cared for my terminally ill MIL and was glad to do it. However, I had no children and my husband did at least as much as I did.

Yours is a totally different situation and I would definitely refuse. Did you know he was like this before, or is he showing a whole new side of his character?

Iloveacurry · 23/08/2020 20:06

Why doesn’t your DH reduce HIS hours to care for his father?

Finkelbraun · 23/08/2020 20:10

Holy shit, you are married to one selfish wanker.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/08/2020 20:13

DO NOT say you will do it if he will do the same for your DF (or any equivalent). He can say anything, promise that he will care for your DF, have them to live in your house etc etc, and then pull out when that becomes an eventuality.

Likewise telling him that if FIL comes to live close to you, DH must give up working away. He will promise that is what he will do, and then it just won't happen. Leaving FIL stuck, and you with his care.

You have to make it clear to DH that you WILL NOT be caring for your FIL because you have no time to do so. And don't let him give you any bollocks about him doing the same for your dad, or helping you, or anything else. Talk is cheap.