Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

[untiednations]

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

Why should op sit and write everything down? That in itself is saying this is her problem to solve.

@piscean10

Why should op sit and write everything down? That in itself is saying this is her problem to solve.

This.

@Newfornow

You both write down a timetable of when you are available to care for him including what duties and time factors. Compare and say it’s lovely for fil to move closer but he stills carers.

Yes the OP has a spare 4-8 hours a night she wastes on sleeping.

OP, how much do you message your DH on an average day?

'Alfie refused his Weetabix this morning again, I' m tearing my hair out! '
' Oliver was really clingy when I dropped him at nursery, and I was already late thanks to the roadworks, hope the lights are all green and that my boss doesn't spot me sneaking in late! '
'Just had a call that Ella' s running a temperature, need to collect her early. Boss very annoyed with me, and I need to pick up some shopping on the way home as well, what a pain. '

Etc. I suspect he hasn't a clue about the reality of your typical day. Time he found out.

Why does your H want to reduce the carers visits?
Is he an only child? Is he getting annoyed because 'his inheritance' is being 'frittered away' ?
Very strange.

@Nubbled

Why does your H want to reduce the carers visits? Is he an only child? Is he getting annoyed because 'his inheritance' is being 'frittered away' ? Very strange.

Because he expects his wife to take over.

Well obviously, but why?

It that unfortunately very common mindset of ‘oh my wife’ll do it!’ That’s a hangover from the days of us being chattels and assumed care workers for the extended family. Outrage when we don’t agree and attempts to push us back in the box through a special type of guilt tripping just for females- ‘oh you are cold and uncaring’ - ie the ultimate insult to women in the parochial Universe. They’ll grow emotionally one day and in the meantime we have to keep holding our bouderies strong 💪🏿.

Boundaries not bouderies!

Patriarchal not parochial ffs.

Fuck that for a joke
He is setting OP up to be the default carer while giving up nothing himself

Well what an eye opener. We have had a chat and obviously you were all correct.

At first DH thought I could use my employers’ goodwill (they are extremely flexible regarding kids’ things) to nip home and check on FIL every lunch time. This is apparently because FIL doesn’t have any lunchtime meds and only eats ready meals so paying for this care visit is a waste of money. No.

Then DH thought that it would be good if I reduced my hours at work and FIL would pay me a top up wage for any caring I did. Also no.

DH’s unwavering belief is that my time is his to volunteer. What a total twat.

I suspect your DH sees a carehome or increased care costs on the horizon and as FIL is pretty wealthy, will be self funding. He certainly has his eye on the prize doesn't he?
How selfish and heartless can you get?

And surely FIL wouldn't inflict this indefinite burden into your already very busy life would he, when he can easily afford care? I would think very differently of him if so.

@untiednations

Well what an eye opener. We have had a chat and obviously you were all correct.

At first DH thought I could use my employers’ goodwill (they are extremely flexible regarding kids’ things) to nip home and check on FIL every lunch time. This is apparently because FIL doesn’t have any lunchtime meds and only eats ready meals so paying for this care visit is a waste of money. No.

Then DH thought that it would be good if I reduced my hours at work and FIL would pay me a top up wage for any caring I did. Also no.

DH’s unwavering belief is that my time is his to volunteer. What a total twat.

Honestly, do NONE of it and make it VERY clear that this is a potential dealbreaker or this sexist twat will bully you.

He has NO idea how busy you are with the three kids because he's been enabled to skive out of life besides work, which everyone does.

NO WAY should you ever reduce your hours or imperil a second of your job for him or for this. It is your freedom and your pension and your safety net.

He doesn't give a shit about you! What about your lunch break? Don't you need a break and to eat, too?

I hope it's VERY clear to him now you will NOT be doing any caring at all. And you know what? I'd not be emergency point of contact, either, because I've seen how that goes. Once the agency knows there's a handy female, your FIL will be the one crossed off the list when they're short and they'll call you to step in, full of apologies about staffing.

No, no and fuck no. 'I'm not doing any caring duties at all. I'm not compromising my job to do any caring duties at all. I'm not going to be point of emergency contact for caring duties at all.' That's it. Keep saying that. He comes back with anything, you repeat.

And do not enable him at all, you already do. No looking for flats or coordinating moves or anything. In fact, those 400 miles trips to see FIL? He'd be making them with the kids from now on. Time he learns what it's like to look after his own kids.

It's water under the bridge now as you've got 3 kids with him, but you married a sexist who believes life work is women's work. But that doesn't mean you have to enable him in this erroneous belief. You already do this already by allowing him to skive out of life work 5 days/week. FUCK doing that any further.

@cptartapp

I suspect your DH sees a carehome or increased care costs on the horizon and as FIL is pretty wealthy, will be self funding. He certainly has his eye on the prize doesn't he? How selfish and heartless can you get?

Yep! Just like he already has his life and earning enabled by a spouse willing to do all the donkey work of parenting 5 days a week whilst he 'works away'. 'Waste of money', my arse.

That's quite the update, OP and it's rather a vindication that whenever posters claim that MNers have suspicious minds, it tends to be that a lot of posters here genuinely have seen/experienced so many similar situations.

DH's more work for everyone but no more for me, nothing for me except warm feelings and kudos plan would co-simultaneously wreck your family life, your personal finances and your career.

It sounds like an interesting conversation. I hope that a plan (centering around no) is forming as a result of this exchange of perspectives.

The more I read about your husband,the more I think he is the problem. He is selfish and entitled.

Please stand your ground as I said upthread, do not give up your lunch hour or lower your hours for this overbearing man who is your husband.

Your husband had no right at all to volunteer you. He us behaving like a twat, which leads me to wonder if he has his eye on the prize when his Father dies. I take it there will be a good inheritance.

Oh, I've seen this happen a lot to friends (I'm 50), it's always the woman expected to do the caring or fill in the gaps. I've seen it wreck families entirely.

It's a no brainer. You have 3 small children and work FT. If you wanted to work as a carer, you would.

at your update.

Is he often a twat or is this a massive blind spot for him?

oh wow! This is partly why I am now 3 years separated (amongst other things) ex DH thought my time was less important than his and I should be at his families beck and call... as well as him and our 2 DC. Oh and my family too, they should take a backseat.

Anyway, please be clear about your wishes now and speak your mind. You will definitely be the one left to deal with it all, that is not fair.

@InDeoEstMeaFiducia

Oh, I've seen this happen a lot to friends (I'm 50), it's always the woman expected to do the caring or fill in the gaps. I've seen it wreck families entirely.

It's a no brainer. You have 3 small children and work FT. If you wanted to work as a carer, you would.

100% this. Was a huge part of things.

Could he be more of a selfish twat thinking he can volunteer YOU, a single parent to mind his father, whilst you work FT and look after 3 young children as he conveniently works away.

What a selfish prick.
The cheek of him.

Well you can't say you don't know EXACTLY what he thinks of what you do.

This can't be in isolation.

God help you🙄

He pulls the 'selfish' card you tell him, 'You're so bloody selfish you don't even think I deserve a lunch break when I'm here doing 100% of everything for this family 5 days a week.' He pulls the 'heartless' card, you tell him, 'You're so heartless you don't even think your own father deserves proper, qualified carers to tend to him. Just want to keep all his money for yourself when he dies.' Serve it right back to him. His motivation is to increase his inheritance at your expense and that of your kids. What an arsehole.

I can't believe how unreasonable your DH is being OP!

'Nip home and check'? Talk about man-think. He doesn't seem to have thought through how much of your time it would take up if you 'nipped home' and there was actually a problem. Nor does he seem to have any concept of what elder care entails. (I speak as a carer to my mother who lives with us, and formerly my father too.) To say nothing of the fact that he seems to be presuming on your employers' goodwill.

Elder care is HARD. You have a full life. Don't let yourself be suckered into this. I'm feeling riled on your behalf, and I don't even know you!