Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

[untiednations]

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

The compromise is he moves closer and you don’t do any caring responsibilities at all apart from nice weekend socials

DON'T let yourself get guilt tripped into pitching in with the caring. Gradually it will take over your life as care for the elderly becomes more intensive over time. This is your DH's responsibility. Let him find out the hard way that caring for an elderly and vulnerable person is a difficult, often unpleasant, and time consuming job. That's why people are paid (not enough) to do it.

All you should have to worry about is turning up along with DH and the grandchildren for a cup of tea and a chat.

Yadnbu your husband is being a cock. You have zero spare time. It's physically impossible for you to take on caring duties.

Don't do it. I've cared for my parents at a distance for the last 10 years, until their deaths this year. Some things were harder due to distance, but as there wasn't a choice, dad kept going to the shop on his mobility scooter, they accepted the cleaner/gardener/handyman/carers/volunteer car drivers etc etc etc. But if I'd been closer, then I would have been round there loads as dad would have vastly preferred for me to run round after them, fix the phone, sort the TV and a million other things that isn't care.

With a FT job and three small children, plus a non contributing DH Mon-Fri, you don't have time or space to do this

I think moving FIL closer makes a lot of sense, but dropping the regular care he receives is not viable.

Honestly 'working away' - regardless of the necessity to the job, is the biggest skive going if you are a parent. Not only do you get to concentrate solely on work, but you get your children looked after full time without any form of input or stress.
^

Totally agree with the above from @disorganisedsecretsquirrel
You are effectively a single parent with a full time job Mon -Fri - and now you must be a carer on top?

Hell NO.

If DH is thinking of moving FIL, doesn't the argument that "there's no-one closer" become moot? FIL could just as easily be moved closer to any of his other relatives who might - due to their circumstances - be able to provide care. Does DH have siblings? What's their view on the idea? After all, it'll increase their journey to see him ...

He might not want to talk about this but your DH has to. He needs to sit down and figure out a proper plan with you. As he's not around in the week he clearly doesn't understand how busy you are. Literally write down what you do day-to-day and ask him where and how he expect you to help? Tell him there is no time and you have a full-time job and 3 children to look after. You want to help but there is literally no time.

Looking after elderly relatives is a difficult and time-consuming job. I think he definitely needs to be moving closer to you but with a care plan in place or in sheltered accommodation or even a care home. If money is not an issue then why can't proper professional carers be option?

I work as a domicillary carer (most likely what your FIL has).
I would say move your FIL closer, but don't reduce the care visits. It is so much easier for the client and the carers of there is family near by so that in an emergency they can be called. A good care company will do the majority of the work, they will help with the cleaning, shopping if needed as well as the personal care, medications etc. The housework and food shop would come under companionship.
That may also be the compromise that your DH is happy with, so that if god forbid the worst happens you or he ate near by to help/visit etc.

Please don't go down the road of writing down or dwelling upon how much you already have to do. This would sound as if you'd be happy to do it if only you had the the time. You are under NO obligation. Even if you were sitting on your arse watching daytime telly, it is still not your responsibility to take on caring duties for your FIL. If you chose to do it, that's fine. But there should be no expectation.

He cannot compel you to do this. Tell him NO. Your husband has already largely absented himself from the family and the task of bringing up your children, he doesn’t get to dump his father on you too.

@MrsSSG

He might not want to talk about this but your DH has to. He needs to sit down and figure out a proper plan with you. As he's not around in the week he clearly doesn't understand how busy you are. Literally write down what you do day-to-day and ask him where and how he expect you to help? Tell him there is no time and you have a full-time job and 3 children to look after. You want to help but there is literally no time.

Looking after elderly relatives is a difficult and time-consuming job. I think he definitely needs to be moving closer to you but with a care plan in place or in sheltered accommodation or even a care home. If money is not an issue then why can't proper professional carers be option?

That's enabling him even further. Not her job and not a route to go down. And telling him you want to help but don't have time when a) you don't want to 'help' and b) you don't have to, just NO.

There's no talk to be had, either, or sit downs or the OP sorting this out with a plan. Just NO, I am not part of this decision and am not available for caring responsibilities. The h doesn't want to move him closer with more care in place, he wants to reduce it.

And he's not there during the week, so moving him closer will mean the OP is the default contact if something goes wrong.

More responsibility for her when she has no time or energy for it.

Her h is a skiver already. Fuck that. Or lists or sit downs. He's not having any of it.

I do think it is pretty heartless to leave a vulnerable parents living so far away.

I would let him more closer. Much easier also in case if emergency but I would make it clear that you won't be able to help with caring.

@Cooper88

I work as a domicillary carer (most likely what your FIL has). I would say move your FIL closer, but don't reduce the care visits. It is so much easier for the client and the carers of there is family near by so that in an emergency they can be called. A good care company will do the majority of the work, they will help with the cleaning, shopping if needed as well as the personal care, medications etc. The housework and food shop would come under companionship. That may also be the compromise that your DH is happy with, so that if god forbid the worst happens you or he ate near by to help/visit etc.

Uh, 'family near by' means the OP for all these emergencies. She's not there to make the carers' lives easier. And all that companionship would fall to her.

I think the OP has compromised quite enough by acting as lone parent to 3 young children from Mon.-Fri. whilst herself also working a FT job, it's astounding how many think she should compromise herself even more.

The minute these carers and their agency know there's a woman near by they can call on, the more these 'emergencies' will crop up, too. I've seen this happen so often. When the agency knows there's someone they can no show on, when staff numbers are crunched, that client is the one they don't send someone out to and instead call the wifey and say sorry, can't get anyone out to FIL today.

She then winds up using leave or even getting in trouble at work to go look after FIL all to enable her sexist spouse.

When you're married to a sexist who has skived out of family life with a 'work away' job, it's vital to maintain your own earning capacity at full-time.

I bet he expects OP to give up her job, so she can do this.

@Motoko

I bet he expects OP to give up her job, so she can do this.

He certainly expects her to compromise her job by being the default carer. FUCK THAT. He's a sexist pig. He doesn't consider compromise on his part at all, much less work on a solution to the conundrum (and all the eager assistants on here are full of ideas on how the OP can further enable this chauvinist) and his only response to anything other than 'Yes, sir, we'll do it your way' is to gaslight and try to manipulate and guilt the OP - heartless, selfish, close mindset, etc.

He's so far up his own arse he doesn't realise how selfish he is to completely skive out of his fair share of parenting 5 days/week much less expecting his spouse to also take over caring for his father.

What a dickhead. The last thing he needs is his wife coming up with compromises to make his life easier.

If he really cared about his father, he'd be the one looking for a new job close to home and with flexibility in place so he can take over the caring since he wants to reduce this and have it in place before moving his dad over.

@angelfishrock

I do think it is pretty heartless to leave a vulnerable parents living so far away.

I would let him more closer. Much easier also in case if emergency but I would make it clear that you won't be able to help with caring.

Let him move closer? The OP couldn't prevent it if he actually wanted to. But we've had no information to suggest FIL is even up for this!

I’ve not read all the posts but I agree yadnbu. I dislike the mumsnet idea that in-laws are not your responsibility, you are all family and I also think that argument would be quite hurtful turned on you in reverse so is not the route to take when getting your DH to understand. He’s being selfish in assuming you would do all the caring though. The compromise surely is that DFiL moves closer but maintains exact same levels of care. You all benefit from easier visits and you could be quite enthusiastic about that. You need to be able to ask what exactly your husband is expecting the royal we to do for your FIL and then ask how that will be delivered. When he has to actually utter the words, well YOU will be doing xyz maybe it will hit home that he will not be doing any of this. Older people deserve the same level of security and consistency we aim to provide our children with.

You both write down a timetable of when you are available to care for him including what duties and time factors. Compare and say it’s lovely for fil to move closer but he stills carers.

Still needs carers

@Newfornow

You both write down a timetable of when you are available to care for him including what duties and time factors. Compare and say it’s lovely for fil to move closer but he stills carers.

Why should she be available to care for him when she's already working FT and has 3 young children?

I dislike the mumsnet idea that in-laws are not your responsibility

I agree to some extent but I dislike more the assumption that it’s always the female that has to take the responsibility on. How often do you hear of men going round to help their mother or father in law get dressed or cook some meals for them? Never.

And frankly my in laws have done FA to help our family, eg with the kids, whilst I’ve been caring for my own parents so frankly I don’t feel much of an obligation to them at all. If we are all family together then they would have been there for us when we needed help and they weren’t. They were off playing golf and drinking with their mates. Not everyone’s experience, but it shapes my feelings.

You’re already carrying the full responsibility for raising 3 children and managing a household for 5 days a week. Before lockdown, I was doing this with my DC, too. It’s such a full on existence. You must have no time for yourself.

You’re not being unreasonable. Your husband is being incredibly selfish!!

I’m already geared up for this with MIL in a few years. She’s far too busy enjoying her retirement to provide any help/support for us, so I’ll be taking the same approach when she’s in her dotage.

Don’t waiver OP. Ask your DH to write his care plan of how he’s going to support his father, because it sounds like he won’t actually be doing much!

If trying to have a conversation about this just ends in an argument, then don't try and engage with your DH about this any further until he is willing to hear your side and have a reasonable discussion about it.
YANBU OP. Please stand your ground. Good luck.